Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Discovered husband's affair just before Xmas, my life is ruined

(117 Posts)
QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 12:47:02

After various suspicious incidents, all of which he denied, I found all the messages on his phone. Turned out he has been shagging a young colleague for months. I feel so bloody stupid. Have 2 DC of primary age who love their dad and don't understand why I'm angry. He says he knew it was wrong but it felt great.
I feel like I'm staring at the wreckage of the life I thought I had. Have been sobbing and not eating.

NigellasDealer Tue 07-Jan-14 15:54:48

oh and yes LTB

NigellasDealer Tue 07-Jan-14 15:54:14

thanks brew sorry i have nothing more to offer . you sound like my mum a long time ago xx

morethanpotatoprints Tue 07-Jan-14 15:50:17

LTB and tell him "You know its right, and it feels brilliant". What a twat.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Tue 07-Jan-14 15:45:13

What Chipping has just said. Sorry you are going through this Quiteso. He is a waste of space to be sure.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:30:33

Please - get angry. Sad wont help you, angry will. You cannot forgive this cruel bastard, he's not even sorry ffs.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:29:15

Ignore all of the twatting about it being your fault re focussing on the children etc - it's what parents do. As for him blaming them - words fail me. They really do. Those comments alone would have me kicking his arse out - let alone his fucking someone else, then gloating about it FFS.

Upnotdown Fri 03-Jan-14 19:27:21

What an arsehole. Why on earth would he say 'it felt great' and blame you for looking after the kids. Well rid, I think.

ChippingInLovesChristmasLights Fri 03-Jan-14 19:27:01

What an absolute wanker sad

I am so sorry he has let you down so very badly.

Tell him he made the choice not to live with his children when he started fucking someone else. End of. He has to move out, it is no longer his choice, but yours.

QuiteSo Fri 03-Jan-14 19:20:21

Thanks for all your supportive comments. I'm feeling stronger and calmer today. Less angry and more sad.

As a teenager I had an affair with my married teacher. Big mess- underage sex, tears if deceit that ended in my early 20s. Basically child abuse with some adultery thrown in. But the very worst thing about all of it, I always thought, was that when it all came out and me, him and his wife were sat in a room together she asked him what the point of having sex with me had been and he said "the sex was amazing and I didn't want to stop feeling so good".

They stayed together in the end and I always felt so sad for her that he had said that because a) it showed him up for what he was- a selfish cunt and b) she had to live with the knowledge that he had enjoyed the sex.

Your husband has done very similar. I think if you've hurt someone that much already you should at least not be bragging to your wife about how "great" it felt. LTB. He is a bad man.

shey02 Fri 03-Jan-14 18:52:52

Sorry to hear of your news. Your life is not ruined. How you can reward yourself and punish him most is picking up the pieces little by little, day by day (eating a little, sharing your story here or with friends, getting the proper legal/financial advice ...). Your life is gonna change, but you will be happy again and you and your kids will get though this. smile

ormirian Fri 03-Jan-14 14:33:38

"perhaps he should have been MORE focused on his children instead of his dick!

Quite. Two parents choose to bring the kids into the world, why would one of them choose to opt out and blame the other for not doing so? Twat!

BalloonSlayer Fri 03-Jan-14 08:15:03

These comments "He blames me for being too focused on the kids." and "He says it is all my fault for neglecting our marriage in favour of the kids." are hurtful and typical, but can I ask? Did he just say them or do you have this in a text or email?

If you have a hard copy so to speak you could keep it as insurance/reassurance should he decide to try for custody and start trying to say you're an unfit mother, or any of the other crap they come out with, as it totally contradicts that.

The comments also imply that he would not look after the children as well as you. He thinks that you were too focused on he children, does he? Well that's an admission that if HE had them he wouldn't be focusing on them as much as you do, and thus acknowledging he would not be as committed a parent as you.

sarajane231 Thu 02-Jan-14 23:50:50

Agree with Buzzard! It will be great to get the freedom to have time out on your own, and he will have to discover what its like to be a Mum himself.

He really doe sound horrible, and how awful that this happened to you at this time of year. Sending hugs xxx

babycow38 Thu 02-Jan-14 23:19:27

On the thread about Kids, please do not put them in your anger, i did that, made them choose, was a complete anger persn towards thir dad, , if i could do it again i would have kept a lovely distance , hinghtsight is a great thing xxx

divorcedtobe Thu 02-Jan-14 22:18:13

I so feel for you. What a dick. Sounds like my stbx. Especially the nights out with 'work' gym etc. mine started dying hair obsessing over clothes and image and texting/typing like mad and never let his phone leave his hand even in the middle of the night when he went for a piss. Your post made me realise that my stbx has probably being playing away too. He's got plenty of form. "

Regarding 50/50 contact do what is right for the dcs and you not what he demands. I was told I could move out and pay him maintenance and that he wasn't a coward and could look after the kids if I wasn't up to it. (He works 50h a week and goes out on the piss) Gobsmacked I was. Coming from the man who could not lift a finger without wilting and demanding a coffee and a lie down. They think they know what they're asking for but really have no clue but I don't think it's fair on the kids to knowingly let him fail them. Do you really think he can cope with the list of parental duties given above? If maybe yes and it's good for you and the kids then if that's what you want go for it. But if not then it'll only upset you more to see the kids go through more upsetting crap caused by him. Fight for what you want.

"It felt great" - how disrespectful.

babycow38 Thu 02-Jan-14 22:01:59

OP, just want to give my absolute support for you. I know what you are going through, my DP had an affair in September 13, it made me suicidal. knocked every certainty i ever knew, i logged on to MN as a lifeline and it absolutely helped , keep posting, keep talking and know you are a fabulous Mum ,keeping things together, i felt like shit, he told me i neglcted him, used him and the reason he went with the OW was i was not the girl he married? since then i have moved out, got my own house, made it a lovely home for my two DD and can see the light, its took a long time coming , but the one thing i would love you to know , YOU WILL GET THERE DARLING< hang in there, look after your kids and believe me, he will be a distant memory one day xxx

Allergictoironing Thu 02-Jan-14 20:20:31

Thanks JustSpeak, I'm not & never have been a parent myself so was hoping someone else would add to my "starter for 10" list!

JustSpeakSense Thu 02-Jan-14 20:14:38

Really sorry u are going through this OP.

You are obviously not to blame for the affair - pathetic excuse from a selfish man!

I agree with Alergictoironing about creating a list of duties to be shared 50/50 and would like to add to the list of parental duties to be shared equally:

Dentist & doctors appointments
Haircuts
RSVP-ing to friends birthday party invites (buying & wrapping presents, fetching and carrying to said birthday parties)
Reading & responding to school newsletters (reply slips for school trips etc)
Homework / school projects / spellings & time tables
Assisting with outfits for school plays / book day dress up etc.
Taking time off work when children are poorly
Ordering school uniforms / replacing school shoes
Suitable grocery shopping to provide appropriate meals
Packed lunches, PE kits, musical instruments & sports kits etc. to be packed for school

When you look at everything you do listed like that in black and white, you can see how busy you've been while he's been shagging his mistress!

Deathwatchbeetle Thu 02-Jan-14 19:53:29

When you separate if/when he tries to slither back in your life -after you tell him "no, eff off" don't forget to say that life without him "feels great".

CityTiliDie Thu 02-Jan-14 19:10:05

16 years ago this happened to me.
My 'DW' of 15 years had been shagging a good friend of mine for 6 months and it was apparently my fault for being too nice to her and letting her have too much freedom!

I was devastated to the point of being suicidal but now I have been with an amazing woman for the past 14 years have an awesome DD and have never been happier.

I now know it was not my fault, I did not lose everything but gained so much more as you will too.

Time will make things so much clearer and easier. Your DC will be better for having a relaxed happy DM. I still have a good relationship with my 2DC from the first amrriage.

It made me feel better when I found out that the man she left me for later shagged her friend and left my exDW in the mire (homeless etc)

Your STBeXH will get exactly what he deserves in later life just as you will too.

Stay strong, you deserve better and you will get it.

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Thu 02-Jan-14 17:17:07

'It felt great' - Christ on a bucket of ballcocks, some men!

mammadiggingdeep Thu 02-Jan-14 17:13:49

Quite so...

You sound quite together despite the situation.

Don't ever, ever believe that you ruined your marriage by focussing on the dc. If he had out half the effort it must've taken to lie and slink about to see ow into you and your family it might have survived.

Don't worry about his threats of 50/50... My ex said the same thing and I was petrified. Very wise posters on here told me not to worry- that these type of scenarios start with them saying they want 50-50 and in reality it doesn't happen when they realise they have to step up.

Even if it does happen- it'll let you get your life in track and will make him face his responsibilities....which he should have been doing instead of pursuing an ow.

Lillil5.....start your own thread so that you can talk about your situation if you think it would help- sorry you're going through it. Hang in there x

Buzzardbird Thu 02-Jan-14 16:46:14

You are right, but it is not your fault. If any of us could wave a magic wand for you we would...and for all the others it is happening to too. thanks

QuiteSo Thu 02-Jan-14 16:38:41

Buzzardbird, what I want is for this whole sorry mess not to have happened. And for the kids not to be facing a broken home. But I guess it's too late for that now sad

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now