Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I don't know what to do - please help

(125 Posts)
HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:24:25

Hi
I'm a long time lurker and very nervous about posting this so please be kind smile

I am very unhappy. I've been married for 3 years and have a 1 year old. My husband and I have been arguing a lot and I'm starting to think he's right and its my fault.
He is cross with me a lot of the time. If I forget to do something or I'm late for something he tells me off. Ill say I'm sorry for forgetting/whatever but he says 'well sorry's no good, just don't do it! I can't understand how you can forget/get wrong the simplest things! I HAVE to tell you or you'd never learn, would you!?'
I tell him that I don't do it intentionally and Ido try to do things right but he says I'm obviously not trying or I wouldn't make so many mistakes.

This morning we had a huge argument after something small like this because I told him I'm fed up of being spoken to like a child, but he said 'oh so I'm supposed to tiptoe around you and never tell you if you're wrong!? Well that's not going to happen - you may have got away with it in the past but you sure wont with me! You'll never learn if I don't tell you!'
I said that this wasnt how we should speak to each other but he wasn't having it. I cried and suggested we should go to counselling but he just said 'You need it! You'll be paying will you!?' I told him that something has to change as the way he keeps talking to me makes me feel like I'm retarded (sorry HORRIBLE word) to which he replied 'well you said it.'

I'm really really trying every time we argue to be fair and see all sides, I never get personal with him (apart from when I said he was being an idiot) and I always admit when I'm wrong.

I will admit I've been behind with the housework and I know I could be much better at lots of things. My daughter is a year old and I had glandular fever just after I had her which I know some people get over quite quickly but I just don't think I have. I BF for 8 months and I didn't have an easy birth/recovery. All things combined ive been very tired and below par ever since I got pregnant really. Which has meant I have been a bit forgetful and slow to do some things, which yes I know is just an excuse and other women manage sad

I'm now pregnant again (14 weeks) and its since I got pregnant that things have been really bad. I've had terrible nausea and I just feel wiped out. I have very bad emetophobia and I'm trying to hide it from him as i think he thinks I'm just being weak.
When I said I was tired once he said 'well I get tired too and I just get on with it' which is true or 'well it's not like you do anything!'
He works very hard and rarely takes a day off so I suppose he is justified to say this.

Last Christmas he didnt get me a gift, he said he forgot but didn't think it was a big deal. I got upset on Christmas morning as I didn't have anything to open and we had a huge row as he was angry with me for guilt tripping him. It was the worst Christmas ever.

This year he said her get me a tablet on the condition that I use it to start some sort of business to make some money back, but I can't have it yet as he'll get it in the sales. So at least I know ill get something.

I don't know what I expect people to say, I just don't have anyone else to talk to and I suppose I needed to write it down. And I don't feel well and I'm tired and lonely sad

Sorry for the huge essay. Anyone who gets this far deserves a medal.

Ps I should say that reading this back he looks like a monster. He's not really. I just don't know what's happened and I don't know what to do.

Xx

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 10:58:38

x-post

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 10:58:41

Thank you so much. You can't understand how it feels to finally talk about it. He's just left me a voicemail saying sorry for arguing which he sometimes does. I just don't know what to do.
It's not as easy as just leaving as I have no money and nowhere to go. Everything's his, even the car so I don't know how I'd physically leave.
We are living in a static caravan too while renovating an old barn and that is making it more difficult as I can't even go sleep in a different room for a few nights.
Also it makes the place look so much more cluttered as there simply isn't the room for everything to go away with my little girls stuff aswell so it probably does look like a tip every time he comes in.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 10:59:58

<<He didnt used to be like this>>

This is the real him. If he didn't show this side of himself to you before, it's because it would have been easier for you to challenge/leave him. Now you are ill, exhausted, financially dependant and vulnerable he finally feels safe enough to take off his mask.

It is very likely his abuse of you is only beginning - this is a 'testing the water' phase, where he works out exactly how much he can get away with.

He knows EXACTLY how you are feeling. He LIKES you like this. There is only one answer to this and that is to leave.

I realise you are probably a long way from the point of believing this right now but please talk to Womens Aid. It might also be worth you starting to think about how you might leave, if you one day want to. Some secret savings, thinking about where you could move to, which friends and family might help you. Even if you don't want to go right now, thinking about how you could might help you see you do have choices.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:00:34

Do you have any family/friends anywhere? Do you have access to any cash (if not of your own of friends and family)? Can you order a taxi?

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:00:34

Thank you so much. You can't understand how it feels to finally talk about it. He's just left me a voicemail saying sorry for arguing which he sometimes does. I just don't know what to do.
It's not as easy as just leaving as I have no money and nowhere to go. Everything's his, even the car so I don't know how I'd physically leave.
We are living in a static caravan too while renovating an old barn and that is making it more difficult as I can't even go sleep in a different room for a few nights.
Also it makes the place look so much more cluttered as there simply isn't the room for everything to go away with my little girls stuff aswell so it probably does look like a tip every time he comes in.

goshhhhhh Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:05

I am going to be kind - as you say he has changed. It may be he is depressed & taking it out on you. However, if you don't do something to change this you will b e stuck in this cycle & so will he. You will also be teaching your dc that this is the way adults behave in relationships. Please do something for you & for your dh & your dc & dc to be.

bunchoffives Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:14

You are absolutely right Helen, he does speak to you like you're a child. That positions you as having less power than him. Minimising how much hard work a child is - even without glandular fever and pg - is not right or fair. Of course you are tired. He should be doing all he can to help alleviate that.

Being 'behind with the housework' is not fair either. It's not all your responsibility for a start - they are his children too - and he gets to rest when he's not working - so when's your time off?

And a present (bought in the sales so at the least cost isn't exactly flattering is it?) which he expects you to make money from, isn't really a Christmas gift for you is it?

Do you know much about emotional abuse? see here and here

and here

Do you have any friends/family that you can talk to about this in rl too?

I'm sorry but your 'D' H sounds awful and abusive. I think you should start planning to get out of this 'relationship'.

Enb76 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:27

Pay no attention to the voicemail - it's easy to say sorry if you're not.

FloWhite Tue 24-Dec-13 11:01:46

Helen if you were posting about this bloke and saying "but I just tell him to fuck the fuck off because it doesn't matter what he says" I'd say fair enough but I'd worry about the DC's in any case.

But you're not. You sound so unhappy and ground down by it all AND HE'S NOT HELPING in fact he's making you feel worse. The bruises that don't show on the skin are every bit as bad as those that do. You won't be wasting anyone's time. And if you're reluctant to tell anybody for fear of the consequences then I'd say even more reason to get help. Even to help you stand up to this fuckwit.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:02:06

Oh god, you poor love! Having to keep a static caravan with two adults and a baby in it like a show home while pregnant, hyper-emetic and renovating a sodding barn? shock shock

How often do you see/speak to family and friends? Just out of curiosity. Because I think anyone taking an outside view of your life at the moment would be horrified.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf Tue 24-Dec-13 11:06:06

He is abusing you - financially, emotionally, psychologically. its called gaslighting. He is one of the main reasons you are ill. Please don't think it won't escalate into physical abuse - it still could.

Have you got friends / family who can help you? Call Women's Aid and start planning an escape. You will need to take all your key documents, passport, birth cents, bank statements, red book, maternity notes. Clear your Internet history.

flowers and all the best to you and your DD.

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 11:06:34

Of course he's apologising. That's part of the script - a few pats for you so you think 'oh, he's not so bad' and accept the abuse he's dishing out. Have a rad up on emotional abuse. You'll recognise a lot.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:03

Oh sweetheart, you are being abused.

Do you have anyone in real life you can talk too?

You are a grown woman, an adult. You do not deserve to be beaten down verbally by this vile man. Your children do not deserve to grow up seeing their mother spoken to like an idiot.

I know it is hard, I have done it myself, but you need to get out of this relationship.

bunchoffives Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:20

I know your circumstances making leaving seem very difficult, but we can help you work out the best way to do it. You are NOT trapped. You do have a choice of whether to stay or go.

I know which one I'd be choosing. sad

OttilieKnackered Tue 24-Dec-13 11:07:24

I was all ready to slightly side with him as disorganised people who never get stuff right can be really irritating.

Then I read on and realised you're ill, pregnant, have a very small child, live in a caravan and your dp is an enormous cunt. Get rid.

fusspot66 Tue 24-Dec-13 11:08:00

the 'everything' that you say is his belongs to the family. the car, the money is all family money. there's a benefits calculator website called "entitledto.com" which may surprise you on the support for a single parent with erratic or non existent child support from their spouse. have s look. but use private browsing and cover your tracks on the internet. including mumsnet .

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:10:01

I have always been a really really strong person. If you'd told me 3 years ago I'd be writing this I would have laughed.
I've stood up to him over and over but I've just got no fight in me any more. I've tried reasoning, getting cross, everything.
He has a TERRIBLE role model in his father who treats his wife like a servant, but he always said he'd never end up like that.

I've put on a little weight too recently as I'm snacking on crap to try and stave off the nausea. He sees weight gain as weakness - he's said in the past that he thinks a partner getting fat should be grounds for divorce as they would no longer be the person you married if they didnt have enough self respect to stay slim. To be fair, he applies this to men aswell, but he's unlikely to ever gain weight as he has lots of time and energy to go to the gym.
Plus he's not birthing children.

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:10:03

Don't worry about the practicalities of leaving for now, they can all be sorted. You can get support from the outside world and start making a plan. Just take care of yourself as you take this in, keep posting if it helps and do some reading up for now (unless you feel you're in physical danger at any point obviously, in which case call 999).

MadBusLady Tue 24-Dec-13 11:11:14

x-post.

Wow, what an utter, utter knob.

I think I'd take him up on that weight gain as grounds for divorce thing though.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Tue 24-Dec-13 11:14:25

He has a TERRIBLE role model in his father who treats his wife like a servants

This

Do you want your son to grow up with the SAME example, or your daughter to expect to be treated this way?

MotherofBear Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:00

Oh, Helen, I never usually comment on these threads because I'm not a relationship expert, but he IS abusing you. He's emotionally abusing you, which is just as serious, if not more serious, than physical abuse.

If he was a decent, loving man, he would be helping you with anything you're struggling to do or cope with. He absolutely would NOT be blaming you and being sarcastic at you.

PLEASE listen to the advice given on this thread.

I wish you strength

mammadiggingdeep Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:41

sad

So sorry. My heart goes out to you.

You shouldn't have anybody talking to you like this. End of. How dare he.

He doesn't love you. He is abusing you. Don't bring your children up in this home. Just don't.

Women's aid. Keep posting- the wonderful, wise ladies on here will get you through it.

HelenHuntingdon Tue 24-Dec-13 11:15:43

"Oh god, you poor love! Having to keep a static caravan with two adults and a baby in it like a show home while pregnant, hyper-emetic and renovating a sodding barn?

How often do you see/speak to family and friends? Just out of curiosity. Because I think anyone taking an outside view of your life at the moment would be horrified."

Thank you.
I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't really have friends here, just acquaintances and my mother can be quite delicate and lives hours away, she often says that knowing I am happy and provided for makes her happy. My sisters been a bit difficult and she always says 'thank goodness I never have to worry about YOU!'

Ps I only go online on my phone and always clear my history, and Helen Huntingdon is a pseudonym - anyone read Tenant of Wildfell Hall? My attempt at a little ironic humour.

ashamedoverthinker Tue 24-Dec-13 11:16:00

Helen Ive been a bit lax with the housework. Im busy with toddler and a school aged child. I havnt even managed to get it pulled together for xmas really. But my DH tells me not to worry and we'll do it at the weekend/whenever...and he works a lot of hours. I'm not pregnant and or ill.

So dont be feeling bad for doing what you can manage. It is at very least unkind to make you feel bad for these things. It is not supportive at all. I think because it is repeated and consistent which is nasty and making you feel this way it is bullying and abusive (well IMO ) as other have said.

Just because someone does good elsewhere (he works and pays for stuff) does not justify being horrible elsewhere (how he treats you).

I hope you can just get through the next few days.

take time to read these replies again
read the EA thread
take time to absorb this alternative perspective being put to you (I think you know anyway just couldnt clarify it in your thinking)
when you have accepted the reality of your situation you need to act.
please reach out in RL

BarbarianMum Tue 24-Dec-13 11:16:16

Meh. You don't need weight gain or anything else as 'grounds for divorce' really. Just not wanting to be married any more is enough.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now