Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

What would you do?

(115 Posts)
CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 09:43:58

I wasn't sure where to post this so I put it here, apologies if it's in the wrong place.

I have this male friend who I've known for years. He came round to mine a few weeks back for a catch up as I'd not spoken to him for a while. I've seen him around but haven't recently had time to stop and chat. Anyway, one thing led to another, he stayed the night and, well, you catch my drift...

4 weeks on and I discover I'm pregnant to him confused I already know how monumentally stupid I've been sad. I've decided not to keep the baby as I'm not in a relationship with this guy and I don't plan to be either. I also have 3 children of my own and I'm a single parent, plus a load of other stuff I have going on at the moment. I know this is the right decision for me and my children and I'm sticking to it.

Anyway, my problem is, do I tell him I'm pregnant etc? He's a really good friend and I don't want to ruin our friendship. Plus, his son goes to the same school as my DCs so I see him pretty much on a daily basis. Part of me thinks it's be better to keep it to myself, but another part of me tells me I'm being cruel by not involving him confused what do I do?

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 09:45:19

I wouldn't tell him.

I would consider it my business.

heartichoke Wed 20-Nov-13 09:48:41

I wouldn't tell him - if you've made up your mind already, what would he or you gain by it?

I don't see what would be 'cruel' about not telling him; could it be that telling him could be considered cruel under the circs...?

I wouldn't tell him.

You've made your decision. Emphasis on your.

There'd be nothing gained by telling him.

wontletmesignin Wed 20-Nov-13 09:50:24

I wouldnt tell him.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:51:24

I'd tell him your decision as a fait accompli. Not because it's cruel to keep him out of it but because I think it'll eat you up to hide the secret.

JustAnotherFucker Wed 20-Nov-13 09:52:34

I'd say nothing to him if your mind is made up already. Get support from a friend/family though if you can.

I know others will disagree but that's what I'd do if I found myself unexpectedly pg, and I'm in a similar position to yours.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 09:53:39

I wouldn't consider not telling a friend about a private medical procedure to be "keeping a secret".

There is no reason to tell him. It's nothing to do with him.

It's not "keeping a secret" hmm

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 09:58:43

Isn't it though? This isn't a random one night stand where the two people never cross paths again. The OP is going to see this man every day by the sound of it, the intention is that they remain close friends, and I think sitting on her hands and saying nothing will play on her mind. It'll become the elephant in the room.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:00:57

Thanks for your responses.

Looks like I'm doing the best thing by not telling him. Quite relieved actually as I know it would just all end in tears, probably mine, if I did tell him.

I feel a tad cruel as even though it is ultimately my decision, it's not just my baby if that makes sense.

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 10:03:04

Do you think he'd object if you told him? Run off? Be supportive of your decision?

The key words being "I think".

You don't know how OP will feel.

And telling him is

1. redundant as the decision has been made and

2. could bring OP unnecessary drama and complications.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:03:46

I think he would probably try and get me to change my mind, yes

CogitoErgoSometimes Wed 20-Nov-13 10:04:44

If he'd try to change your mind, don't tell him.

If you think he will try to manipulate you then definitely do not tell him.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 10:06:49

"it's not just my baby"

It's not anyone's baby at this point.

It's an embryo.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:08:09

Bunny you're right about the unnecessary drama and implications. I have enough drama going on at the moment with something else unrelated as it is. I really don't need to be adding more stress to my situation.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:09:38

Well, yes, it is just an embryo.

It's still a big decision to make though

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 10:12:03

Of course it's a big decision to make.

But it's YOUR decision.

And given that you've made the decision to terminate the pregnancy, there is never going to be a baby.

So thinking of it in those terms isn't really helpful.

You don't owe him ANYTHING here.

<supportive arm squeeze>

I've been there and I'm not trying to belittle what you're going through, at all.

Thants Wed 20-Nov-13 10:12:37

I would tell him personally. Imo he shouldn't get to not know the consequences of his actions and just have you bear the burden. It's going to be stressful for you and I think he should be there to support you. If that's what you would want ofc.

CoffeeQueen187 Wed 20-Nov-13 10:14:20

Baby was probably the wrong word to use. I don't think of it as a baby, I'm trying not to think of it as anything at the moment. I'm at the hospital tomorrow for my initial appointment so hopefully it'll all be over with soon.

Kaluki Wed 20-Nov-13 10:17:22

I agree with Thants.
He can't make you change your mind but he should step up and support you.
Why should you have to go through this on your own - he was there too and he should face the consequences the same as you have to.
If he is a good friend then he will understand why you can't have the baby.
thanks for you xx

Of course it's a big decision OP. You have a lot on your plate.

You do sound pretty sure about what you want though.

If so, you shouldn't let anyone try to derail your decision.

If I were you I would go ahead with my plan and work on moving past it as calmly and drama-free as possible.

thanks and hugs for you OP.

JoinYourPlayfellows Wed 20-Nov-13 10:19:25

"Why should you have to go through this on your own"

She doesn't have to go through it alone. He's not the only person in the world who could support her.

Unless he's the first person you'd turn to for support if you were having a medical procedure, there's no reason to turn to him now.

"he was there too and he should face the consequences the same as you have to."

confused

That's a biological impossibility. He can't go through a termination, he's not pregnant.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now