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My DP left on Saturday. Help please!

(131 Posts)
Mips Thu 01-Aug-13 15:00:54

Hi. A friend recommended MN and I have been reading posts which have helped my situation.
My long term DP left on Saturday. Whilst we had problems, it has come as a shock. Does anyone have any tips for getting through the day in the early days? I have 2 children, 10 and 6. Thank you in advance.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:34:05

Hi hot choc, thanks for reply. I honestly do not think there is anything going on. The woman at work is not his type at all and she is going through problems with her own husband. Apparently i have heard they are off on hols and redoing their marriage vows. I have no doubt that this has been an ego boost as he thinks very little of himself and has low self esteem. Also he has suffered depression since a teenager, so i entered into the r/ship knowing this. His whole problem is his need to not feel a failure and in his eyes its how much money you have, not how many women.i do see how what you describe could be true of some situations but not in this. Ive been in a ltr of constant cheating. I know the signs. My DP never goes out, he is home from work early, spends his spare time at home and when he does go out its with me and kids.
I also think that moving out was to give him time on his own. Away from family, neighbour from hell, etc.
He told me yesterday that he had trusted me for 10 years and then i checked into his email. He has high expectations regards trust. Thats when emails from work colleage were mentuoned.

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 14:43:51

Hi threeandjustme, sorry you are dealing with similar. Its hard to comprehend. Whilst i know the reasons he left i find it hard to contemplate how they cant just be fixed now!! Im impatient.
Sorry you have the added difficulty of living away from family. My friend is in a very similar situation. Hope it works out.

MadAboutHotChoc Wed 07-Aug-13 14:54:26

I get what you are saying and I am not saying he has someone else (or is considering an affair) but it is dangerous to base your assumptions on certain myths.

Just to rebunk a few more myths - OW does not have to be his type, the ego boosts alone can be enough to turn their head.

So many affairs nowadays take place within working hours - fake training/seminars or afternoons off and pretending to be at work.

Also it does not have to be physical - many are conducted online.

Again, I am not saying he is cheating but his current actions are those of a selfish man giving little thought to the plight of his DC sad

Mips Wed 07-Aug-13 15:05:55

Thanks again. He works in a very small office so i cant think of anyone. They all know me as well. I did confront him and he said he genuinely wasnt interested in anyone else. It was to do with the way we were and how unhappy we were making one another. Tbh, im the one who would have been more taken in by another man! My DP was quite jealous of my social life and questioned me about chatting up men, etc. He is quite insecure.
I will be aware of the possibility but i honestly dont yhink its the case.

YvyB Wed 07-Aug-13 15:24:43

How depressing, Three. So many of them out there sad. Stay strong and use MN if you need to vent/blub/rage. We'll all be here. (Would have said "welcome to the thread" in a cheery, enthusiastic way, but it doesnt seem quite appropriate given our circumstances, does it?)

NanaNina Wed 07-Aug-13 19:05:30

Oh Mips and Three so sorry you are going through such a traumatic time. I know some posters are encouraging you to feel angry with your DP and pointing out all his short comings which are real enough. However as I have probably already said, all of your emotions are going to be mixed up and you are still very raw. You are experiencing the classic signs of bereavement following the loss you have suffered. Unfortunately all these emotions don't come in linear form, they dodge about, so one minute you are angry and then you are sad, and wish he would return, and then you feel lonely and so it goes on, the "tape" goes around and around in your head. Many people experience a "red hot" memory - so called because the memory is so painful it is like a burn, and then sadness and tears take over. Also grieving come in waves and sometimes you feel ok(ish) and then are overtaken by all sort of other emotions.

I honestly don't think people can tell you how to feel (and I'm not thinking of anyone in particular on the thread!) but I've found many MNs have very strong opinions on something and can be very definitive about what happened, the reasons it happened and what the future will hold!!

All you can do is take one day at a time and try to structure your time which will help a little. I still don't think blaming is the way forward, for either of you. I think human relationships are very complex things and dynamics between the couple tend to get set in concrete and we can't see for ourselves what is happening. It takes someone right out of the situation to help you understand some of the emotions you are experiencing. I think someone mentioned counselling for you, and whilst I think this is a good idea, I think you need more time to elapse to get the best out of counselling, as it isn't cheap - approx. £50 per hour dependent on where you live.

I think it's important for the two of you to keep the lines of communication open, try not to blame or re-hash what happened, as this will lead to friction and you don't need that now. Also I think it's really important that the children see you together and getting along with things in the usual way as this will help them to feel a little more secure.You need time to "lick your wounds" and so does he although he should most definitely have told you about his intentions, but maybe that was the only way he could do it, when you were away.

I still think depression is a torment and unless you have suffered from it, you can't have any understanding of how awful it can make you feel and there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.

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