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I feel want to cry and really don't know what's the best thing to do with a forgettable husband!

(110 Posts)
whosthis Mon 20-May-13 21:33:13

DS is 7 months. I am at Maternity leave but not enjoying it at all. DS is a fussy baby easily can cry for hours and doesn't like falling into sleep and therefore always exhausting at nap time or bedtime. I just posted on the other section that I didn't manage to do anything for myself the entire Maternity time at home. I often found myself exhausted (mainly mentally) at the end of a day but couldn't think of what has been done. I routinely skip breakfast now and lunch is often after 2pm ot even 3pm. DS has been colicy all these months and it takes ages to feed him and burp him. Then a couple of hours after, feeding time again...

Feeling want to cry just now. Planned to settle DS into cot earlier as he slept really poorly last night. Dinner done in time just before DH came back. As usual, I left him to eat first while I went upstairs to settle DS. He's fed earlier, but then he managed to fight for about an hour before giving in and fell into sleep.

I then came downstairs, feeling want to scream when I saw the kitchen to tidy up. I resigned to a sigh, and told DH we would need to distribute tasks after I go back to work. He agreed with no reservation.

I then went to the dining table about to have my already dead cold dinner. I had hard time to control myself when I saw DH didn't even think of cleaning his own plate. At that moment, I really wanted to scream, to shout and to cry...

This man is spoilt. I have been always thinking he's a lot more tired than I am at work and he left home earlier than me but came back later. We had a fee times talk on this subject, he "always agreed" saying "yes, I will -try- to do more". I know he meant it, but he never ever remember to volunteer doing any day-to-day housework. During my entire pregnancy, he barely helped on anything. He only did a few times dishes right after we had the "talk". He hasn't cooked a meal for over two years. He didn't even manage to "remember" picking up his dirty socks and pants into the laundry until lately I made it clear that I had enough.

I know (I do) he's genuinely with good intention. But somehow, in his brain, he is just not capable of keep it in mind. He's literally not moving a finger during the week.

I know I spoiled him. But first of all, I don't want to "instruct" him each time to do this or that. Should he be a capable adult to see what can be helpful?

Secondly, I seriously DO NOT UNDERSTAND , are all men like this, promising one thing with their full heart and then forget right away as soon as the topic cools down?

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 21:42:17

Having a baby is a massive upheaval xx

My OH says that he needs constant conditioning when it comes to chores (not that I do, I genuinely don't care, which is why the flat is generally a shithole).

He explains, that without shouting, I've got to say 'M, pick up your pants off the bedroom floor' about 3 times a day for 3 weeks and the habit of him not dropping his pants at his arse will cease.

Can you calmly ask him to do something, like clearing the kitchen, while you get a bath/something for you? If you make it a request, rather than instruction, it may be better received.

Husbands need training too IMO, which is a ball-ache, but some just don't get it.

Don't beat yourself up about feeling as if you've done little on ML, like I said, babies are a massive shock to any relationship xxx

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 21:46:57

Men are funny creatures, their priorities are different to ours. You may need to point it all out to him. He probably hasn't realised just how bad you feel.

I am pg with dc1 so not experienced but have been around a lot of babies and if you are strained and stressed and dare I say depressed then your baby will pick up on it. Are you bf? If so and you are depressed the hormones can cross the barrier - have a chat to your hv about it.

Have you tried putting baby down and leaving him/her to cry for a while so you and du can eat a warm meal.together? Could you try using a slow cooker so you can just chuck meat veg pots and sauce in and leave to cook to give you some time?

Xales Mon 20-May-13 21:49:49

Have your cry. In front of him.

Let him see exactly what his actions or lack of them have done to you.

Perhaps it will give him the wake up call he needs.

He is a grown adult. I assume he managed to remember the stuff he needs to do at work and do it without permanently being nagged. The difference is that is important to him. Home stuff isn't or you are there to do it.

Stop. If his stuff is in the basket may as well wash it. If it is on the floor leave it there until the laundry fairies pick it up don't remind him.

Don't cook. He can cook when he gets in or order takeaway and give yourself a break.

JoyceDivision Mon 20-May-13 21:55:26

Men arescruff bags. DC1 is nearly 7.

When I spoke to dh on the phone today he said ' I realised when I was leaving for work this aft the kitchen was in a bit of a state, I forgot. Sorry about that'.

That has taken nearly 7 years.

I texted him at the weekend while I was off with dcs to do t he ironong before I got back, and he did.

If it a total tip, I put dcs in bed, leve the tip, as soon as dh gets home I leave to go to thegym, dh usually gets the message.

whosthis Mon 20-May-13 22:02:44

Dear ladies, I cried in front of him many times over my stress and disappointment on this subject already. He "always" woke up and genuinely promise he will "try to remember".

I think most of the time I do tell him calmly to do things (if i ever bother to ask). But he won't do it a second time if i don't ask again.

It's really more than the work or the time itself. Sometimes I feel, kike *Xale" you said, it's that he doesn't think (remember) it's important and just incautiously took advantage of my being considerate for him. I do feel this man not care about me at all (it's not true). sad

Ruralninja Mon 20-May-13 22:05:06

I'm sorry you are feeling like this - if the end of the day is a bad time to discuss things because you are both tired, can you email him at work? I suggest being really specific. You need to explain you are exhausted and still adjusting and that you need him to do x,y &z. Think of the three things that would make a difference to you such as a night off from bath & bed, cooking one night & always picking up after himself. Rome wasn't built in a day & good luck x

whosthis Mon 20-May-13 22:07:05

Sigh...does this mean you have no other way than treating them as kids when it comes to any household related things?

His procrastination and forgetfulness are so amazing that i feel over years my memory is constantly improving...

But again, it's just so so tiring and disappointing. I feel like kicking his ass!

whosthis Mon 20-May-13 22:09:08

Thanks, I know a Task List is probably the only way to go... I can't understand guys when it comes to this!

BabyHMummy Mon 20-May-13 22:13:52

I have taken to leaving a "to do" list next to the kettle that way its nit as blatant as saying "babyhdaddy get Ur ass up and Hoover" etc but he does see it and eventually notices what is still on the list.

Admittedly baby brain is in full swing so it has its benefits for me.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:14:34

Stop making his dinner for a start. Stop washing or ironing his clothes (if you are, and I'll bet you are). Explain to him that you are withdrawing all consideration and wifely services on account of him contributing absolutely nothing to mutual domestic welfare at a time when you are very tired and stressed.
it is utter crap to say that men are somehow less capable of remembering household chores than women. They'd remember quickly enough if they felt it was in their interests to do so. Don't put up with it. it will only get worse.

Quodlibet Mon 20-May-13 22:14:40

No you shouldn't have to treat men like children. Not all men are like this - maybe not what you want to hear but true nonetheless. Mine has shopped cooked and washed up nearly every meal for a month because I am in early pregnancy and nauseous and exhausted a lot. Clearly the balance is out of whack in your relationship and you need it to be addressed. I am not surprised you are angry.

You sound like you are having a hard time and are quite low. Have you spoken to your GP to rule out depression?

emstats Mon 20-May-13 22:15:20

In my experience yes, that's men! I have to ask DP to do even the most obvious of things because he'll never think of it himself (which I hate because it makes me feel like a nag!) But, it works better then getting frustrated and ending up in a row

PureDeadBrilliant Mon 20-May-13 22:15:54

Make it clear to him, maybe even in writing.
"Eg on Mondayand Wed can you cook? On Friday, we can have a takeaway.
If I settle the Dc, you tidy kitchen.
We are a team. Man up"

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 22:24:43

In my experience, my OH is the most organised man whilst at work, but as soon as he steps through our home, he's hopelessly ditzy. He went offshore last week, I had the car and discovered 3 bloody outstanding parking tickets, his CC statement (overdue) and a bloody note from me reminding him to organise his brothers wedding present (which he hasn't done, wedding is on Saturday).

It's no excuse, but most men are binary thinkers and need cajoling and reminding. Hard work especially when you have a LO to consider x

BlackeyedSusan Mon 20-May-13 22:30:08

my h is managing to do the washing, and feeds himself... now he has moved out...

I agree with the stopping doing stuff for him. if he leaves stuff lying around, let him run out of clean socks or whatever. it will focus his mind a bit. it could be a long time before he gets the message, but he needs to feel the consequences of his actions.

if he leaves the kitchen a mess, then you do not have room to cook... (except heating up something for yourself!)

it is not men in general.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:30:12

"most men are binary thinkers and need cajoling and reminding"
I'm sorry, but this is just enabling fuckwittage and laziness.
The dirty plate is in front of you. if you cannot be arsed to pick it up and put it in the dishwasher, it is not because you are a "binary thinker" (whatever that is), it is because you are a lazy bell end.

anastaisia Mon 20-May-13 22:33:44

It's not a man thing. It's a 'someone else will do that' thing. I don't understand why women make excuses for the men in their lives when it comes to this. I'd quite like to switch off when I enter the house and leave all the rubbish repetitive tasks to someone else, but I don't because I'd be treating the other members of the household like crap if I just expected them to pick up after me.

I don't live with my boyfriend. Shockingly he manages to keep his place tidy, shop and cook for himself and do his own washing. He also contributes to the general running of my house when he stays here (washing dishes, checking if washing needs taking out the machine, that kind of thing). I don't think he's special (because of that anyway, though he is quite lovely) he's just an adult who's responsible for his own life.

Men are not physically or mentally incapable of doing domestic work. The ones who do not do their share behave like this because they really do think that you are inferior to them and exist to serve them.

Read this.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 22:39:49

What I mean is that (ok, less of the sweeping generalisation) some men think, 'there's my food, I've eaten it', 'I've worn these socks, I need a clean pair'. Yes, could be attributed to lazy bell-endedness, but IMO, it can be overcome by coaching (read: cajoling and reminding). It is fuckwittage, I agree, and I think making a list is a good thing but it needs to be reinforced to get them to think tertiary.

Yes, it does scream of being a parent in some respects, but the OP asked what can be done and, again, IMO, suddenly stopping doing stuff will not shock 'some' men into action - all that will happen is the OP will get additionally stressed with the increased mess in the house and end up going batshit crazy on him, which is not productive.

KarlosKKrinkelbeim Mon 20-May-13 22:43:47

You need to be prepared to hold out for a bit.
When there are no clean clothes for him, no food to eat, a pile of dirty dishes (and I suggest once it builds up you move it to somewhere unignorable, like his side of the bed) he will start to take notice.
Yes it will be messy but no-one will die.

BeattieBow Mon 20-May-13 22:51:53

I can't believe all of this "men are different' crap. We don't have a gene that makes us more capable of picking up a dirty plate.

no, men are not like this. some might have been brought up like this by crap sexist mothers (my mil being one) but they are grown ups just like you.

So, I agree, stop making his dinner, stop doing stuff for him, you must be exhausted, and need support and some looking after. When he comes in from work sometimes you give him the baby to settle to sleep (unless you're breastfeeding him), or he can cook you both dinner while you settle the baby to sleep, or he can hold the baby while you eat your warm dinner. or he can walk around with the baby for half an hour while you have a bath.

My H is a bit crap in many ways, but he does all of those things for me and more.

anastaisia Mon 20-May-13 22:55:48

But why do they think that way Kitty?

Do you think it's possibly linked to not facing natural consequences of not doing things for themselves because someone will 'cajole' them into doing things instead of letting them experience the 'oh crap I should have washed these clothes yesterday now I have to wear these odd socks and the top with the raggedy hem to work' feeling that happens sometimes when you don't bother to do the washing for a bit too long.

I do agree that a messy house would be stressful for the OP though, I'd get a massive box and just throw all his things in there till he's ready to sort through them as a compromise I think.

KittyVonCatsworth Mon 20-May-13 23:04:27

I haven't thought about the root cause of why they're like that TBH. The OP asked what should she do, and, granted I made a sweeping statement about most men being like that, but I know that I'm certainly part of the lazy bell-end brigade, but would dig my heels in even further if someone was to go all fishwife on me. As for only doing my dishes, or washing my clothes, it just sounds quite churlish and hard work IMO.

No, the poor OP shouldn't have to put up with having a 40 year old child in the house, but she asked for suggestion, I gave one. Not saying it will work.

flowery Mon 20-May-13 23:04:39

Men are not like this, no.

Some people are like this, but the contents of their underwear has no bearing on their attitude, and those who excuse their partners' behaviour as being a result of his gender rather than his attitude are deluding themselves.

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