Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can anyone help me please?

(89 Posts)
25042013 Thu 25-Apr-13 13:56:06

namechange check first

Yogii Sun 05-May-13 07:53:32

Hi Op,

Firstly, I think that his almost immediate attempts to have you lose weight were not fair, he shouldn't have been with you if he straight away wanted to change you.

That said, time has moved on and there's much more awareness about how the sedentary lives we lead are affecting us and the long term issues that can be caused. It would be a good thing to get close to the so-called "normal" for age, height etc. because health issues can be avoided. Being a diabetic is no fun, i know a few and they hate it.

So if you are going to lose weight, do it for that reason, and not for him. Do it because you want an active life with your kids and no health issues catching up with you over the years.

You said you hate the gym. Gyms really aren't necessary. We all do so little in the course of a normal life with cars, lifts, etc. to move us about, and with high fat foods in plentiful supply, it's no wonder people struggle with weight. Almost everybody I know who's had any success with maintained weight loss has done it by being more active rather than sticking to a diet. So instead of getting on a diet plan, why not get on an activity plan instead. Check out things like fitbit (google it) and use the very active communities on those places to get some support.

As for the financial side, I don't think you should hand over full control. You could go instead for full transparency. So you could have cards, accounts, etc in your name, and open, manage them, and close them as you please, just offer to always be ready to show the state of them.

I think that's a nice meeting-half-way position. It doesn't relinquish control yet it shows you understand that in marriage the financial position of one is of interest to the other. It's astonishing that people can take the view that because you ran up 30k of debt but managed it down yourself, it's your business. If something happened to you and you were unable to work, or you died, and all sorts of scenarios in between, that debt problem would very quickly become his. I can understand why he wants to know.

Good luck.

stargirl04 Sun 05-May-13 05:59:03

Hi OP. I think that you can be whatever size you wish to be, if you are comfortable with it, not whether your OH is comfortable with it. You can be big and beautiful and happy with it if you want to be - it is a free country!

Do you think that if you lost the weight he would treat you differently? I doubt it. Sorry to say this, but he doesn't sound nice. And it sounds as if he is immature too - bragging to his friends about your weight - that sounds like the behaviour of a teenager.

I read something once about how lack of respect not only undermines you but "conditions" you into thinking that an abnormal or abusive situation is "normal". And that you start to believe the nasty things that are said about you.

You may have made some mistakes with money, but it sounds as though you have made significant progress. Please don't lose sight of that.

Could you go to counselling on your own? You can get free counselling through your GP if you are suffering from depression/anxiety.

Hawkmoth Sat 04-May-13 20:46:19

Meant to say, talked myself out of losing weight, and into getting slimmer. Was always wary that I might lose some part of myself in the process!

cjel Sat 04-May-13 11:50:14

I don't think that this is a ltb easy case. OPs mum was abusive about her weight before she was with him, there are clearly alot of things going on for her. ok dH may not be handling things in a perfect way by any means and I'm not defending the way he talks to her. I think that you going counselling and finding out why you are so unhappy overeating and overspending is the way forward. If you can work on yourself and be happy with who you are you will know whether his behaviour is acceptable or not. You will make your own mind up about what you want to live like. I'm glad that you are still able to talk to him a bit but I would caution about taking all the 'blame' and doing everything he wants just because you feel worthless already.

Hawkmoth Sat 04-May-13 11:11:06

I used thinking slimmer and focused on positive changes that I made to my life. Obviously had other things to sort out, but my weight became separate to that. Having more energy to do things really helped, because I could do more about the house etc I felt like I was contributing more. Plus did more walking and that helped to organise my thoughts.

25042013 Fri 03-May-13 16:42:09

Hawkmoth that is EXACTLY what I have been saying this week - how did you manage to work through it please?

Hawkmoth Fri 03-May-13 16:21:26

I understand. I used to think that I was unhappy because of my weight. What would happen if I were a normal weight and unhappy? I'd have to take a long hard look at myself, maybe all the unhappiness would turn out to be my fault, perhaps it was something to do with me as a person, not just my size...

Took me a long time to get over that train of thought, but I did.

25042013 Fri 03-May-13 16:14:53

Thanks for all the recent replies. We've been away for a few days with the children on a break booked ages ago.

We've talked, a little. I've opened up slightly about my fears regarding being thin - i know it is ridiculous to be scared to be a normal size, but I am. i think he maybe understands a little more.

My appointment with Relate is next Wednesday, I'm determined to get myself sorted out.

He has helped me to draw up a budget planner and ways to economise in some areas - some stuff I already did, other stuff will be new.

I have no idea where we go from here tbh, what to expect or how to "be" if that makes sense.

selba do you mind me asking what he spent the money on/what happened?

fuckitybollocks Wed 01-May-13 06:56:28

Op how are you doing?

You know you were daft to run up debts but you have not done that for years, in the contrary you have paid off massive amounts. So well done.

However daft or not you so not need to allow someone to wlk over your self esteem. Self esteem is. Self esteem is a strange beast. Yes, it Meds to be something from inside and not dependent on others for validation. But, if one partner for whatever reason has more more power and chooses to exert it then self esteem suffers terribly. I hope that you can free reading this thread focus in some of the good things you have done. You sound supportive and caring especially how you frame the stress that your husband is under.

Do you think you could start being that supportive nd caring to yourself?

Selba Sun 28-Apr-13 23:36:08

My DP has twice run up debts ( secretly).

it is a massive massive deal to someone like me who was poor and has worked hard not to be.

I will absolutely leave him if it happens again.

I cannot believe people here are making out that your husband's unkindness about your weight pushed you into running up debts so he's to blame for that too .( I see you are not suggesting this at all OP !)

But if he is unkind to you , that's a whole other thing. It is NOT normal or acceptable to hurl insults at you when he is angry.

In other words there are faults on both sides and you are each responsible for your own faults.

mistlethrush Sun 28-Apr-13 22:33:08

My DH has lost over 8st in less than a year... what did I say to him before this - very little - I knew that I could not lose the weight for him, and that he needed to do it himself. Moaning at him about it certainly would not get hi to lose it. I did suggest a possible diet to him because I thought it might suit him and left it at that. I have, of course, supported him in his current diet - but more in terms of letting him get on and do it rather than anything else. Oh - and the odd - 'you've lost more, your shirt looks looser..' type comment.

Your DH married you when you weren't sylph-like by your account -he has absolutely no right to complain that you are that weight, and it is not remotely supportive and will not help you lose weight.

The debt on the cards - the fact that he does not know about it is HIS fault because you realised that it would result in ERRUPTIONS. The amount you have managed to get the debt down is amazing - well done (I bet he's never said that).

Yes, we only ever get on side of things on here but that doesn't make your views any less important!

I hope the counselling helps, hopefully it will help you figure things out at bit and work out what's best for you and your children - don't forget, a change from how things are now would be doing them a favour, not least in terms of a role model for how relationships should be. And I'm sure they'd benefit from having a happier mum!

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:56:01

Thankyou all for your support, obviously you only have my side, his wpuld no doubt be very different. I have a session booked qith Relate for me, and I'm going to phone citozens advice too. I feel relieved it is all out in the open but sick inside too. I have no idea what's going to happen from here. I just don't want my children to suffer. They don't deserve that

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 28-Apr-13 10:08:11

Hi Op

I am equally shocked and disgusted with your DH and am really not surprised with either the debt low self esteem or self confidence

This bloke and I refuse to use the word man, is your jailer he's not your dear partner or husband, because that would imply kindness and respect, of which he has neither for you and looks like he never did from the start, neither has your MI.

my advise to you? Leave the bastard yep LTB he has systematicly character destroyed you in every way possible, and as I read your posts what he has reduced you to, you are echoing his words and saying he is right and you deserve them.

You shopped to receive some comfort for the thrill you get when you pick something nice for yourself, cause lets face it there is no comfort to be had at home is there? You were trying to buy his love in a way cause nothing else you do including breathing is and never will be good enough.

I am glad you say you are feisty now days cause love pack ya stuff and your kids tell him to go fuck himself, and go and get the life you were meant to have before you met this sorry excuse for a human being who has sucked the joy and life out of you.

I shany type anymore cause he is making me angry and I dont even know him

x

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 09:57:43

Oh, paid off that one. I have no idea i total how much i ran up altogether, probably near to 30k. I have 5k left now and i aim to do it in 12 months. A lot of that debt was interest and late payments etc - i had no idea at the time that getting cash out the wall was so costly on a credit card sad stupid or what

I have to say, that's great you've come down from 16k to 2.5, how long do you think it'll take to pay the rest off?

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 09:41:08

I haven't run up any further debt or spent more than i have got for 8 years. I jyat need to finish paying it off the repay the same amount into our savings

You have a shopping addiction and debt problems

He is abusive and foul to you

Those two things are related but kind of separate issues. And I'm sorry, but I don't think you should be working on your marriage. He has been abusive to you from the very beginning. I'm hardly surprised you hid your addiction problems from him, he terrifies you.

In all of this your weight shouldn't matter, yet it seems to be more important to him that you as a person, and seems to be a 'legitimate' reason to insult you and make you feel like shit.

It really doesn't sound like he respects you and that's grinding down your respect for yourself. If you're still the same size in five years time, is he still going to be emotioally beating you up about it then?

You can be big and happy. You can also be big and loved, cherished and respected. And you can be big and have respect for yourself.

Also, if you were to stay together you're going to rebuild his trust in your finances. Only you can demonstrate this, if he takes charge he will always say, I had to bail you out / sort it out for you as you obviously couldn't do it. And that will always be another 'legitimate' reason for him to insult you.

I really can't see why he is with you (not being mean about you). But from the start he wanted to change you.

It shouldn't matter to him if you are a size 12 or a 18.

How did he not notice that your not losing weight for 10+ years. I've lost 30lb since last June (was a 18/20 and now a 14/16) and it's very noticable. has he not looked at you at all.

Anyway to my point i wouldn't give in full financial control over you. I would agree to counselling (which may help you to sort out your own issues) but with only joint councelling with him if he admits how his negative attitiude towards you changes.

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 09:04:00

I said that to him and he denied it. I can't seem to get a straight answer

So really, he's saying he doesn't love you for who you are. That's just shit. I'm sorry you're with him, with that attitude, and I don't think that's going to change.

TheSherrif Sun 28-Apr-13 08:46:01

That's quite a generalisation, but moving on from that - Who died & made him the boss? You ran up the debt, you're paying it off. Why is he having a go? Presumably it's in your name? Do not hand over all your finance stuff, you are not a child.
Marriage should be a partnership of equals - he is not in charge. He has attained this state by trying to make you grateful for his presence in your life. Well f* that. I'm not suggesting you leave, but instead stand up for yourself just a little. Get counselling if only to find yourself &your rights as a person again. (Btw my mum would have said something similar. There's no one like mum for giving you a lifelong complex). Here, have a brew to warm you up a bit!

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 08:19:39

Men don't like fat girls, plump is ok but no one is turned on by a fat one.

25042013 Sun 28-Apr-13 08:11:56

I'm doing a car boot sale at the moment. Flipping freezing. We managed to talk a bit yesterday. He says I have always known he wants me to lose weight, that it will imprive our lives in all ways. When i asked why no one ever just likes and loves me, the personality, face person, he aays it is because i am loud and pushy.

He also admitted he is turned off/put off by my size. So, I guess at least I know now.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now