Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Don't really want to post but feel like I'm going nutty!

(130 Posts)

Long story short, me and DP have been together just under a year. He's taken to DS very well, helps out a lot, is supportive & seems respectful.

But I was borrowing his phone to check my FB via his (he knew and was there) and I saw that he's liked this page & gets daily updates, basically of women in their underwear with the option of seeing them naked elsewhere on the internet (they usually post pics with links to more explicit material).

I know a lot of blokes occasionally use porn and for some reason that doesn't bother me but I just didn't think he was the 'type'.

The issue is partly because I think it's a bit sleazy & partly because whilst not massive I obviously look like I've had a kid naked & despite him saying he prefers me now to when I was a twig, I don't believe him, as I used to be the same size as most of these girls etc.

I know this is probably stupid but I feel like saying something (carefully) to him as I'm now silently judging him & feeling like it's changed my view of him slightly, which isn't that fair is it if I haven't asked him about it.

Sorry for rambling! smile

^ I know it's very tame...plenty of my women friends like the style, as they're alternative but I just find it hard to be 'ok' with it, because of the bigger picture.

^ it's partly because I know he searched for a few girls in particular and when I looked to see myself they came up with quite a few naked shots.

It's made me wonder how he feels about things like that in general.

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 11:49:02

Are you worried that he looks at pictures of naked women? Or that he doesn't find you attractive?

No. I know he does, going by his actions, though I feel he's lied a little about not liking skinny girls, probably just to be nice!

I'm just worried that his views might be a little too different to mine on things like this, feminism etc.

(there is a general attitude that some men my age seem to have that women are somehow lesser, looks are most important etc. I just really hope that's not him. I didn't think it was before now)

Branleuse Wed 10-Apr-13 12:01:41

youre worried he might secretly like skinny girls??

Why would he have even said that? Was he desperatly trying to reassure you that he was only attracted to women of your exact frame and style???

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:02:14

Are you sure this isn't more about how you feel about your body and feeling insecure that you are not as slim as the 'skinny' girls on SG rather than your DP really preferring that in a real life partner? How would you feel if he was looking at 'big and beautiful' site or something like that? Probably as bad, if not worse. He is with you...not just your body, be it big, small, wobbly or firm.

Err he did actually go out of his way to say he's never dated a skinny girl, prefers them my size etc. That was unprompted and all from him. I don't actually tell him when I feel insecure about my looks as it doesn't happen that often & I can talk myself out of it fairly easily.

I just don't see why he bothered in the first place. You can like whatever shape you like. He probably was just trying to be nice

I really don't mind him looking at whatever occasionally. I was just surprised that he looks at things like that daily & am a little concerned that he's maybe sleazier than I thought.

I know he likes what he has, as he does say so & act so. I'm not massive either!

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:16:10

He might not look daily...with FB it all just comes up on your newsfeed and you see it there without taking a lot of notice. If he started spending hours every day searching for pics and videos then I think that would be different. TBH from what you've said so far he doesn't sound anywhere near as sleazy as many.

Presumably you're not dating Daniel Craig (or equivalent)...and you're happy.

I am not grin He really is a womanizer

And we are happy.

I'm not sure how much notice he takes but when he's been on fb in front of me he's skipped past a few of that page's posts very quickly, so I don't see iyswim.

It makes it seem dodgier than it probably is.

(It doesn't help that DS's dad was an a tad sleazy, which I ignored, to my own peril. He had some disgusting views on women that I didn't discover til quite late. Much better off now)

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:36:02

Trying not to tar him with the same brush as your ex...but at the same time being vigilant not to make the same 'mistake' again. Can be tricky sometimes. Glad you're much better off now!

Thanks.

I try hard not to jump to conclusions just because my ex was like that...which is why I want to have a chat about it tonight. He'll most likely be very reasonable about it as he's seemed very respectful of women before, respects all the women in his life etc.

I just don't want to presume how he feels about it etc without asking him. It's not fair on him really, especially if he's not that fussed and just liked the page because of it's alternative style (we're both quiet alternative ourselves).

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:49:32

I thought quite a lot of the pics on the site were pretty stylish....tbh it's not a million miles from how my DD and her friends dress (no tats as yet...but the hair/style/specs etc are all similar) and they do tend to pout to camera rather a lot.

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:51:01

That wasn't supposed to make it seem more sleazy btw!...just more a comment on the style, rather than a sexy aspect.

I actually love the style! It's not far off how we both dress etc.

I just don't like some of the sleazier underwear shots iyswim.

Lovingfreedom Wed 10-Apr-13 12:58:42

yeah yeah...I do...! Some of it is not alternative at all! Just pics of young girls wearing pants. If you read the comments against that pic though quite a lot are complaining that this is not SG...it's a girl with tat doing porn and doesn't have a place on the site. Interesting...!

True. There are some on there that don't look very alt at all and are just in their underwear & pouting.

(The actual website seems to be cleaner than the FB page too)

I do like the idea behind it, and that it's sort of set up by women. Just not sure about the direction of some of it & DP's views in general with stuff like this.

ladyjadie Wed 10-Apr-13 13:13:30

OOh, my friend used to work for Suicide Girls. I used to think she loved it but when I met up with her after not seeing her for a year, she told me it had kind of skewed her view on men. She used to get emails and things and guys coming up to her telling her 'I've seen your vag!' (her words hmm ) and thinking she was fair game because of the pictures she'd done.

Personally I like looking at the pretty ladies buuut... I also don't think I'd be ecstatic if I 'found out' my DP had been secretly looking [total hypocrite face] and paying to see more... hmm. Sorry that's no help really! I get what you mean about seeing him as slightly more sleazy though. I felt like that about an ex.

he's not paid for anything as far as I can tell.

He just google searched one of them and it came up when I was typing something else into google (his phone shows previous searches underneath the google bar once you start typing).

I'm pretty sure he didn't realize it was still there tbh or I doubt he'd have lent me his phone to look something up!

ladyjadie Wed 10-Apr-13 13:39:48

Oops sorry (bad reading!) Well if he didn't pay for anything that's better. Have a chat with him, then leave it and just remind yourself that he's with you and you are clearly plenty hot enough for him! You're a real lady, keep reminding yourself you are gorgeous and look at your gorgeous DS and see it as him looking at arty shots. Maybe look at it with him if you like, he'd probably love that!

I think I just need to clarify that he just appreciates the style & the odd cheeky shot and isn't sleazy, so I can forget about it smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now