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trapped in an ea relationship..no way out..

(95 Posts)
olivia42 Tue 02-Apr-13 08:33:44

this is my first post.ive been reading other posts and getting strength from them.i dont have anyone to talk to ill try not to be too long winded
im on my 2nd marriage dh,10years together 3 years married.i have 3 children 1 last one his.he is on his 2nd marriage too has ds from 1st marriage.he was a
always difficult,realised after a few years of being completely in the dark about this type of behaviour that i was being completely controlled by him.
if i went out on my own silence for days if i disagreed with him in any way told i was not normal and mentallly unwell.got pregnant 4 years ago had child.dh told me he didnt want it(we wernt married at the time and not living together) if i didnt have an abortion he would leave me whch he did for a short time. i refused and he eventually came back.(he offered to pay half for the abortion by the way once i didnt go in on a wednesday which is his access day for his ds from 1st marriage)..
he did up his own house and we moved in there away fom my house and family. the abuse escalated,days of silent treatment telling me i was no use to him i was weak and a moron.the first day out of hospital after coming home from hospital after ceasaian section to give birth to our ds,he left me with 4 kids (including his my step son)and told me to get on with it.he moved into the spare room and stayed there,i left after 3months with my 3 kids.he persuaded me to come back which i did for another year of torture when vieventually i got a barring order against him(the day before our marriage he beat me round the house in front of the kids).
but im back again the twat i am.he just worked on me day and night telling me our future was with him and id ruined thekids future by leaving.of course now im back its worse.im 'mental',a nut job, a weirdo, an unfit mother , and a cun.constantly,i found a will that he has made a month ago leaving all to his 2 kids and leaving me £100!
i used to run a home an au pair have a good job well educated lots of freinds and family support before i met him.i have none of this now.family and freinds hate him so no support there.i also manged my finances ok.i now have £14 in my purse to last 10 days.he has £140 k in his bank account alone according to a bank staement i found..sorry i could go on forever..v long winded...theres so much..im simply trapped here and wondering how do i put in the next 10 years till the kids have left and i can go...

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 18:33:47

oh your poor thing. YOu haven't MADE this bed. You don't have to lie in it.

If your bed was too hot,you'd throw off the blanket right?

Look, you are so miserable that no matter what happens next it couldn't be worse than staying with him. Please go to a refuge. They are not the horrifying places I used to think they were. I wish I had gone to one. I left my x with a bag on my back and two small kids, but it took me a long time to work up to it. I really wish I had had more faith that refuges were for people like me. It was only after I left that I realised how precisely and exactly they were for people like me, but for some reason I'd had it in my head that they were for some other type of person.

Tune him out. And practise your positive affirmations.

"the truth about me is that I'm strong, clever and good". Repeat it and repeat it and repeat it.

SanctiMOMious Tue 02-Apr-13 18:35:42

ps, don't waste ten years waiting for your children to grow up. Please don't.

If you go to a refuge, although it may seem 'dramatic' and that was my fear (why I was so afraid of that I don't know) they will link you into services and help you fill in forms and so on, there will be help to get you to the next stage.

izzyizin Tue 02-Apr-13 18:59:26

There's nothing wrong with you that leaving the abusive twunt who's trodden you into the ground won't fix.

i also feel that if i go he will torture me for the rest of my life and poison my ds against me. he has told me he would do that

You're looking at this from the wrong angle, aren't you? While you continue to live with him, you're available for him to torture 24/7. If you're not living with him, how's he going to be able to torture you?

As for poisoning your ds against you, if you stay with this twunt there's a good chance your ds will grow up to be exactly like him but, if not, he'll come to despise you for a childhood blighted by his dysfunctional parents that will have left him with issues which can only be resolved by intensive and/or prolonged psychotherapuetic input.

You've left him twice and each time you allowed yourself to be suckered back by a combination of his false promises and your craving/addiction/dependence on something you believe that only he can provide - what would that be? Has he, in the words of the esteemed AF, got a golden dick? Or do you find it more comfortable to fail than succeed?

MadBraLady Tue 02-Apr-13 19:20:18

Honestly, I think your confidence/self-esteem/anxiety/sleeping problems would start to clear up within days of leaving this nasty, undermining arsehole. You're living with an emotional abuser and you're still managing to get promotions at work and do a Masters degree?? That's so impressive. Even his twuntery is (so far) failing to completely grind you down.

You've just described for yourself how he undermines you in everything you do - even having a conversation with other people. Fearing that others see you as a moron, that's not you experiencing "self-doubt", that's him making you feel like you're a moron because you know he'll call you one at the slightest provocation - or no provocation.

Please plan your exit, however embarrassed you are. This is no way to live.

sleeton Tue 02-Apr-13 19:41:42

You are getting lots of good advice on here, olivia42 I just wanted to join in and add my support and good wishes. I am rooting for you. Please leave him .... call Woman's Aid.

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:58:23

sad this was me 10 years ago, so awful
I had/have a good job, I am a professional, fine at work, fine with other people.
And my XH wore me down, called me a cunt a fat cunt (WTF is it with these men), useless, worthless etc for so long that I did believe it.
You can get out, you must
The wonderful women on here helped me, some of who will remain lifelong friends.
Please read this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656 it became my bible, until I passed it on to someone who needed it more
CALL womans aid, I didnt for a very long time, but when I did they were utterly marvellous
This WILL be the very hardest thing you've ever done, but you can do and your life will be so much better

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:06
Milly22 Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:28

Agree with other comments posted, but also if he's careless enough to leave statements about, take them or get somebody to photocopy them for you. You need to get as much evidence as possible for a solicitor so that he has to support you in separation/divorce. Even though I'm divorcing H on friendly terms, I didn't take any risks and got into his safe and cabinets on a day off work and photocopied his pension statements, savings books and everything needed for my solicitor. When I took them in to the office, my Solicitor had a small grin on his face. You really need to get into survival mode for you and dc to get through all this. Next time he lays a hand on you should go straight to the police. Please do what's right and overcome this evil man. Letting children grow up in this environment usually screws them up as adults and scar them for life unless you change the situation. There said my bit, please be stong!

macdoodle Tue 02-Apr-13 19:59:34
olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:01:56

thank you for your messages of support its so good to be able just to write this down although i keep thinking im not neing fair to him that his side of the story would be different.im trying to be objective.i do get down.i do feel worse the next day if ive had a couple glasses of wine.before i left the last time i was under a psych.he said it was pnd but it was pure stress of livivng with him,he kepdt ringing the psych asking to speak to her to run me down to her.she said form day one i was in a reactive depression caused by the stress of being with him and that from the conversations she had with him that he was a psycho,then apologised for being unproffessional.i stilll went back.i feel like the 'non person' he said i was.he is so charming and charismatic outdie the house a classic case of street angel and house devil.is this really sad that i know all this yet am still here.and after hime calling me a c**t repeatedly 2 days ago and leaving a road map of bruises on my arms he asks me today is everything ok and whats for dinner...and if only i would trust him and realise what a great person he was all would bo ok..

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:03:20

sorry about the typos im typing fast im paranoid he'll catch me

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:07:59

by the way the first time i left when our ds was 3 mths old he went on a russian brides r us site and went over to russia to 'meet' a russian woman for 2 weeks..when i came back to him not knowing this he asked me to look for a work related photo on his computer to email to a business collegue and i found all the pics of them together..i died a death.. he said he had forgotten to delete them but i think he wanted me to find them..i didnt even know he ha done it..im sorry for ranting on but just writing this is making me realise this is so abnormal...

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:00

maybe his side of the story would be different but you are entitled to have your own perspective and you are entitled to feel. What do you feel? UNHAPPY? Your chance of contentment in this life shouldn't be offered up at the altar of his convenience. 7 years ago I was where you are now. It was tough and he didn't accept it quickly but the drama died down and I'm free now. My x was a street angel too. I got the temper and the insults.

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:09:58

Repeat

The truth about me is that I'm competent, capable and clever.

PLEASE. I am so happy I'm free, but I'm STILL working on my self-esteem years after having left him.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:15:02

im sorry im on a roll the last time i left and got a barring order my solicitor a nice woman in her 50's a very well recommended and respected family law solicitor said in all her years of practice she had never encountered anything like him that he was completely off the wall trying to remove my kids from me etc even though there was no way he would succeed out of pure malice and spite...and there you go...still here..a supposedly strong well educated respectable, used to be attractive, competant,educated,well liked woman who could take on anything..one single minded fucked up man and im reduced to nothing...

SanctiMOMious Wed 03-Apr-13 00:31:58

you're only nothign while you stay with him. And it's amazing what you achieve even WITH him. You're doing a masters did you say? and you work part time!! You are definitely not nothing. despite having a soul crushing size 13 boot on your soul and an albatross around your neck you're achieving a lot there.

If you weren't using up so much energy DEALING with him, everything else would seem easier, would be easier. I know that. I left and went back once too. I think that's 'normal'. The second time I left though, I knew without a doubt that i would never go back.

You can leave. You should. It might be a messy few months, but it is WORTH it. you knwo that. take a DEEP BREATH. sTEEL YOURSELF. you can do it. You know you can, you did it once before.

It always amazes me how these wretched bullyboy types go for strong women, clever women, women who are socially skilled and who have emotional intelligence. I think it is a bloodier sport to destroy somebody with spirit and intellgience.

You are not nothing. YOu are just one DEEP BREATH AWAY from getting the old you back.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:32:36

hi izzyizin.. he definatly doesnt have a golden dick!.of course he thinks he does..i cant even look at him let alone sleep with him. .. at least you made me laugh...

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 00:37:11

thanks sanctimonious..its so refreshing and unbelieveable to hear this i thought i was the only person who felt like this..i think hes getting up..il post tommorow..

minkembra Wed 03-Apr-13 00:53:01

oliviaif you feel up to it come over to the EA support thread lots of good links there to useful reading and a warm welcome. And you will find no one will judge you or think you an idiot for going back. it is hard to leave but in the long run harder to stay.

When you are ready you will go and until then we r here for you.

And WA are here for you. no matter how many times you need to reach out to them they are there.

And the law is there for you too. that is not his money it is a joint asset.

When he calls you a cunt remember that says far far more about him than it has ever said about you. you need to stop listening to him. he is talking out if his arse. Like all abusers he is trying to lay the things on you that he most dislikes about himself. he is the one with the problems. i know it is really hard not to be wounded when someone treats you do badly but if himyou can work on detaching and ignoring. he is not worth listening to.

(((hugs)))

Hissy Wed 03-Apr-13 02:09:20

I can only echo what has been said here.

You are not trapped, getting out is actually easier than a lifetime of the life you live now.

Sweety, you are not DEpressed. When you are free, you will heal.we will help you.

Hissy Wed 03-Apr-13 02:10:37

Sorry, phone had a 'moment'

Meant to say that you are Oppressed not DEpressed.

MadBraLady Wed 03-Apr-13 07:49:34

I've no doubt his side of the story would be different. And it would be bollocks. smile He can't finesse away what you've told us here, there just aren't many ways to repeatedly verbally abuse someone or leave a patchwork of bruises on them that are defensible. Basically, he's just a nasty, fucked-up idiot and we wouldn't listen to any bullshit he spouted anyway.

It's interesting to hear about all the professionals you've dealt with who saw straight through him, despite his "charm". Doesn't that show you just how readily people will take your side and help you, if you let them?

Keep posting. You WILL find the strength to leave, and stay away, a bit at a time.

olivia42 Wed 03-Apr-13 08:44:13

thanks ma bra lady i cant believe how much better i feel just posting.i often dipped in and out of mn never joined or posted just read the threads.its good to hear a diffenerent voice and not just the one going around in my head constantly saying dont panic keep going.the guilt i feel about my dc is beyond crushing.not just the bad choices ive made but the hours days weeks spent worrying about this and trying to be all things to him trting to please him and do what he wants to do.waiting for hm to giv me a signal to say all is ok..im embarrassed reading this about myself..i think he realises at times hes over the top..one night he cought me outside having an illicit fag..another habit ive gone back to periodically..he locked me out of the house telling me i was a weak drug addict for smoking and that he wasnt going to stay with a wizened old hag!he let me in after about 20mins.i now always leave a window ajar and take the keys with me the nights i step outside for a fag.when we were going out first we were out in a night out with friends.i smoked then (gaveup for him hence the secret smoking)he said to me dont go for another one toward the end of the night i didnt really take any notice of what he said.he was fine in pub as soon as we got into the car his mood changed ' i told you not to smoke anymore' he went silent with rage and at home made me shower and got into bed and refused to speak to me for 3 days..Jesus..i apologised..

izzyizin Wed 03-Apr-13 09:04:58

So he does have a golden dick. Why else would you try to be all things to him, try to please him and do what he wants to do? Why else would you apologise for having a fag - your lungs, your health, your choice - to an obviously abusive twunt?

You're not some feeble minded weakling who believes this twunt is your 'soul mate' and that somewhere, deep inside, he really loves you, are you? Surely you've not sacrificed for dc on the altar of your delusion that this odious man gives a flying fuck for your happiness or theirs?

Trapped in an EA relationship with no way out? As long as the house you live in with your abuser has a door to the outside world, I think not.

What's stopping you leaving him? Your pride? Or your longing for what's between his legs? Because it sure as hell can't be your longing for what's between his ears.

izzyizin Wed 03-Apr-13 09:07:02

Second sentence of second paragraph should read 'Surely you've not sacrificed your dc...' not 'for dc'.

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