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At what point do you just accept you are single and thats the way its going to stay?

(290 Posts)
Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 08:38:27

Ive been on my own for 5 years now, post divorce. This will be my sixth summer on my own.

Im fine, i have a full life, noone would ever guess i long for a relationship, but i do.

For Whatever reason, its just not happening for me.

This comes off the back of a terrible weekend where i was stood up on a 4th date.

I do online dating, i go out and about with friends. But in this whole time ive not had one relationship, not even a short term fling.

I do not understand what the issue is, i keep trying but not getting anywhere.

At what point do i just give up, accept that thats it for me?

Im 35.

DukeSilver Mon 18-Mar-13 08:45:01

I don't think you should give up. Online dating is hard, its a bloody minefield! I'm sorry about your crap weekend, that would be hard.

I suppose the cliche would be to say you never know what is around the corner but it is actually true. This time next year your situation could be completely different.

<manly back slap and hug>

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 08:48:29

Ive been living by that mantra for the last 4 or so years.

I dont often complain about it, but when i do, thats what friends tell me. Except nothing happens. I go on dates that lead nowhere. I get flirted with when i go out, which also leads to nothing.

And ive been on my own for a long long time. If it were a year or so, yeah, i wouldnt feel bad. This will be my sixth summer on my own. Im planning a holiday with my DS, but yet again, it will be just me and him. With me sat on my own in the evening when hes alseep. Same as it is every night sad

bulletproofgerbil Mon 18-Mar-13 09:28:56

I don't think you can ever give up and say 'this is how it's going to be'. My neighbour met the love of her life in her 80's (the widower next door). My aunt in her 70's. Neither were looking for anything.

I've been divorced 7 years and only recently thought about whether I want a relationship again. The other week I got chatting to a guy walking his dog in the park'. He asked for my number. I wasn't interested but he seemed nice and it just shows how things can happen randomly. I've also had a FWB relationship with my neighbour for 3 years. I'm nothing special and am early 50's and up to the last few weeks, haven't even considered looking for someone special. I don't go out much and am not on any internet dating sites.

Duke says you never know what's round the corner. I'm not religious and I don't believe in fate etc but I have seen too many examples of incredible randomness, to know that is really true.

I would get on with life, doing what you like doing, looking for someone but not 'over' looking, and be open to new people, activities, and see what happens. You are only young still.

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 09:39:58

Ive not even had a fwb thing, i think if i had had that i wouldnt mind so much.

Buts its a long time to be on my own. I had hoped for more children, which isnt going to happen now.

And im heartily sick of being on my own all the time.

carameldecaflatte Mon 18-Mar-13 10:00:57

Don't give up! I met my dh at 40 after being single for years and didn't even realise he was interested (we worked together) until he stuttered it out! And don't give up on more children either; (after 2 losses) we have a lovely 9 month old boy. I'm 45 now.

You never know what or who is around the corner.

struwelpeter Mon 18-Mar-13 10:07:02

I do want to say don't be downhearted. You are only 35 smile.
How old is DS? I know it's a cliche but do get out and try something else - my mantra is as long as it's legal and doesn't hurt anyone I'll give it a go (this is after being ground down by abusive relationship in which I was trapped by him and my destroyed self-esteem).
How much me time do you have? Are there any single parents' groups near you? There are some single parent's holiday organisations. Don't pin all your hopes on a man to make a huge difference, think of the possibility that one could enhance your life not be the centre of it.

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 10:12:20

Oh, i get out and about. I holiday, i have a social circle ( in my childfree time) i have hobbies and things.

Im not idilly sitting by waiting for a man to come and save me and man aside, im happy with my life.

I just cant pretend that i dont want one anymore and that its not getting me down, because, it is.

NicknameTaken Mon 18-Mar-13 10:38:59

No advice, just sympathy. DD was with her dad this weekend and what with the bleak weather, I found I wasn't enjoying my own company as much as usual. I'm 38, divorced nearly 4 years (also an abusive relationship - once bitten, twice shy). I tried online dating but it kind of petered out.

Mostly I don't mind, but there are times when all those solitary evenings kind of get to me.

comingintomyown Mon 18-Mar-13 11:53:28

No advice either but I sympathise but cant add to whats been said.

I dread a time where I feel as you do but so far (3.5 years) I am very happy single and wouldnt consider a relationship.

I guess persevere with online dating ? My cousin does it tons and has had some semi LT relationships and a few laughs.

By the way at 35 you still have ages to have another child !

issey6cats Mon 18-Mar-13 12:15:59

i think i will probably be single forever split with ex 18 months ago due to his cheating on me and since then have dated, not led anywhere serious as men my age in thier mid fifties dont want to commit to anything serious, i have now gone down the FWB route at least this way i get one night a week of good company, lots of laughs and someone who is amazing in bed (a girl has needs lol) and the rest of the week he does whatever he does and i do whatever i want to do, but yes sitting on my own 6 nights a week and going to bed on my own does get me down sometimes and i miss that couple thing

sarahseashell Mon 18-Mar-13 15:02:49

Join some kind of group/class where you can get out of the house once a week and interact with a group on a regular basis. I'd take a break from OD and focus on meeting people (not men) locally - meetup groups/gym whatever ie get a new hobby and something new to get excited about. Also get a babysitter now and again just for a 'date' with yourself, cinema or shopping. Agree with bulletproofgerbil - be 'open to it' but stop looking IYSWIM.

If someone guaranteed you'd meet a man in say 18 months, you'd enjoy it a lot more I think, so act like that if possible - you're young and you will meet someone wink

JustinBsMum Mon 18-Mar-13 15:15:47

Has anyone said that it is often at the point you say - I'm not going to find anyone round here- that you come across someone you like.

When I met my DH I was working abroad and had come to the conclusion there was no one around that wasn't already married (wife often back home). But met him two weeks later (recently separated).

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 16:55:06

Ive had many periods of not dating and not looking. They havent thrown up anything.

Babysitters are an issue but i do get out and about in my childfree time. A regular babysitter is not something that is realistic on a weeknight for me.

Im open to things. Nothing has happened..

Just been told by a man that id been talking to for a few weeks that although im very attractive and have a great personality he no longer wants to chat as he didnt realise i had a child. I expect this is more of an issue than i hoped it would be.

LeslieWink1e Mon 18-Mar-13 17:09:52

Im grappling with this. im too nice to be alone!!! but it looks like this is what is mapped out for me. i could join a million cluvs and not meet anybody who i liked who actually wanted a relationship. im not very girly twirly laughy but.... i am healthy happy funny and strong. it will sound arrogant but i cant believe it is so hard. i guess i will have to do internet dating. bleurgh!

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 17:15:09

Leslie. Indeed. Im not girly girly. But i am attractive, interesting, funny and apparently ooze sex.
smile

I live a full life.

I cant believe its so hard nor that ive beenon my own as long as i have been.

Men like me. I know this. They just dont want more than a date or two. I dont understand it.

I just want a boyfriend. I dont even want to get married, just someone to see regulary. You wouldnt have thought it to be such a tall order.

Spiritedwolf Mon 18-Mar-13 18:15:53

DH had given up on love when he met me, 10 years ago. We are now married and have a wonderful son.

You know how you say that you meet people and go on dates but it doesn't go anywhere. Are you taking the initiative? Asking people you meet for their number, and arranging a first date. At the end of a good second date arranging the next meet up?

Sorry if you're already doing all this. Do you meet single people you are interested in? If you do, its probably just a matter of time till you find someone who clicks with you too. If not, you maybe need to look elsewhere?

If you really want more children, would it be worth freezing some eggs, or even having a baby with donated sperm? It would be a shame to miss out on more children just because you hadn't bumped into mr. right. Though of course its not unusual to meet someone and start a family in late 30s.

Hmm... maybe you need a 'no timewasters' message on your dating accounts wink

AverageJoe40 Mon 18-Mar-13 18:17:36

I feel your pain - even as an average male rapidly approaching 40 and single for around a year following a mutual split from a 5 year relationship.

I've got a great life and I've tried it all over the last few months - bars, speed-dating, singles clubs, social clubs, the lot! Meeting a potential is easyish but meeting 'THE ONE' - not so!

What keeps me motivated is the thought of meeting someone special, hopefully making a great family and then dying old and happy surrounded by those I love! Not too much to ask I hope?!

You're not alone, my advice would be to enjoy what you've got but never give up hoping for more...

At any point if you want to.

If you don't want to, when you're dead grin
The rates of gonorrhoea in the over 80's is increasing..,

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 18:43:13

average - yep. done the same.

its harder than people i think i think. Its not like when you are 20, you go down the pub, have a few drinks and a snog and then you are a couple. It just doesnt work like that anymore.

Whereabouts in the country are you wink

Helltotheno Mon 18-Mar-13 19:14:58

Is it possible you're coming across a bit desperate too early on? Maybe if you properly stopped caring about meeting someone, it might happen?

Singlesupplement Mon 18-Mar-13 19:24:37

No.

BettySuarez Mon 18-Mar-13 19:28:52

singlesupplement and averagejo I don't suppose you happen to live near each other ?wink

Sorry to hear this OP, I don't suppose it is much comfort right now but I am a firm believer in things happening when you least expect them to.

As my Dad would say 'chin up' smile

greendental Mon 18-Mar-13 19:29:42

So glad you started this thread op. Absolutely nothing helpful to add as in the same boat but with the added bonus of 5 years on you!

I actually feel that I'm so busy trying to survive; work, kids, paying the bills that I've forgotten how to slip into sexy siren mode and have that horrible feeling that life's just slipping me by! Even finding the energy to take some pics for internet dating profile seems such a huge effort.

Where do all these other posters find these fwb' s? They make it sound so easy!

Good luck op

Helltotheno Mon 18-Mar-13 19:30:07

Well look on the positives...sounds like you have a good life smile

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