Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I'm probably overreacting...

(81 Posts)
AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 12:42:24

Have NC'd.

Before I begin, I'm pregnant and hormonal so please be gentle.

Dp and I have been together a year and a half. I have 2 dcs already and I'm now 13 weeks pregnant with our much wanted baby.

He's been perfect. The complete opposite of abusive XH. Kind and considerate and always helps out with the dcs.

We were planning on getting married soon. Just a small thing. But now I don't know if I can. And I don't know if I'm overreacting. I feel like this could be an XH hangup.

So, on Sunday I had arranged to meet with an old friend and her dcs. We hadn't seen each other in more than a year, and she'd never met dp. I really wanted them to get on. Due to busy schedules on all sides, we started planning to meet in December and this was the first opportunity for us both. We would drive a 6 hour round trip and so would they.

Then dp was invited out Saturday night. He never goes out so I encouraged him to, they were watching the rugby. But i did say a couple of times how important Sunday was to me, so could he make sure he'd be able to drive back and help out. And of course be perfect dp for meeting my friend smile

He said no problem. I offered to cancel if he wanted a big night. He said it was fine, reassured me.

Long story short (or slightly shorter) he got totally wankered. Staggered in at gone 2 (we were leaving at 7) completely hammered.

I asked if he wanted to stay at home he insisted he wanted to come.

3 times I had to stop the car for him to vomit.
He then staggered around with us for a bit before finally going back to sleep it off in the car. We left early because he was so unwell.

I am very upset that he ruined the day and feel lied to.

I wish I'd cancelled it.

He is very sorry.

I feel like he wasn't interested in my plans and pissed all over what I wanted. But I'm aware this is what XH would have done, and this is the first time he's done something like this.

I wish I wasn't pregnant, I'm frightened I'm a mug again , I don't want to get married.

I want it not to have happened.

And I look at this and it looks like no big deal. So why am I so devastated?

Please help

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:27:04

I don't think I'm worried about addiction, and I know we can all get carried away as a one off, so when he told me it's almost every time I was really shocked. He's so sensible in all other respects.

QuickLookBusy Mon 11-Mar-13 13:27:19

Of course re think marriage at the moment.

However as this is the first time he's behaved like this with you, I would want to make it very clear that you find his behaviour unacceptable. You will not marry someone who vomits all day long after a night out and spoils a lovely day out. You must have felt very embarrassed in front of your friends.

Do think he's the sort of person to change?

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:29:52

I hope so. I think he will change. Yes I was mortified. He could barely say two words. And in front of the dcs too. They were lovely about it, and said we all need to have a good night out sometimes. I kept stressing how out of character it was sad

QuickLookBusy Mon 11-Mar-13 13:30:06

"I just want to trust him and feel safe, like I did a couple of days ago"

You should be able to trust him and feel safe.

I'd tell him how important this is.

QuickLookBusy Mon 11-Mar-13 13:33:41

Gosh I didn't realise the dc were there too. I would have been livid having to stop for him to throw up in front of them.

Maybe he has got away with behaving like this in other relationships and doesn't realise how most partners would not put up with this.

Seeing how upset you are may just make him realise how much he has to lose.
I think telling him you will not marrying him until he can go out and have only a few drinks, would be a good thing to do.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:35:50

Yup, livid was right sad

Not a good role model.

I think that's pretty much what I'm thinking, Quick.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:39:27

I should have made it clear it was a family outing to a family place.

My only concern about this, is that you don't want to put yourself into a position where you feel you have said 'I'm not marrying you because you went out and got drunk' because I think it's more than that...

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:47:09

Liza I have been very explicit about that. And he says he knows that's the case. I want him to go out and socialise. He doesn't do it much and he needs to (just as I do). This isn't about him getting drunk, it's about him getting drunk when he'd been asked to make absolutely certain he would be ok for a long day on Sunday with a lot of children.

I said I was happy to drive there and he could catch up on sleep in the car, and then he could drive us home later on when I would be shattered.

All happy, all agreed. I was expecting tiredness and maybe a mild hangover. That would have been fine. But he was so ill he couldn't do anything until at least 6 the following evening. We left three hours early because I would have to drive and was worried that after 6 hours at the wheel I'd be struggling to stay awake if we left it any later.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 13:49:09

They'd been necking round after round of jaeger bombs apparently. That was after 6 hours of steady drinking.

I know, I really do.

Do you see what I mean about turning the night out into the 'deal breaker' though. It's the behaviour and the potential behaviour in the future that you want to deal with rather than not going ahead with the marriage as a punishment (not saying that's what you're doing, just that you want to make sure that isn't what comes across)

I would not be going ahead with the wedding at this time for what it's worth, you should feel safe and you should feel secure and you should marry a grown up man who is reliable and capable of refraining from necking alcohol just because it's looking at him.

Does his explanation of why he couldn't resist or slow down work for you?

Helltotheno Mon 11-Mar-13 13:57:56

OP this is worrying:
So it's not an addiction or anything, just an inability to stop once started.

There is a problem with alcohol there for sure. One of the red flags is not being able to stop at just one drink. Another is alcohol getting in the way of your life. I'm not saying he did what he did deliberately to sabotage you so there's probably no need for you to worry about that.

But he has a drink problem. Typically things like that don't get better over time by themselves. This would be an issue for me, though it mightn't be for other people.

Also, many have died from passing out drunk and vomiting in their sleep so that's not nothing and can't be treated as if 'oh we've all done that'.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:00:16

His explanation is that he simply didn't slow down. I think he's telling the truth, but what worries me is that if he has never exercised any restraint, and he says this is the case, what if he can't? Even if he does, how do you start to do something that you should have learned to do years ago? Why was the passing out not a reason to stop? His then gf said he had a problem but he didn't believe her.

Why didn't I know all this before?

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:01:53

Hellto, sorry xpost. I agree. I've never passed out and I've had my fair share of heavy nights. None of my friends ever have either.

Any suggestions?

superstarheartbreaker Mon 11-Mar-13 14:06:53

Hi op. I would be hurt too but it would be a shame to call off the wedding altogether, Mabe postpone til he's proved himself.

So, does he drink much at home?

(Please don't think I'm being judgy, I'm really not)

MooncupGoddess Mon 11-Mar-13 14:08:04

Not being able to stop when you've started drinking is a classic type of drink problem.

I passed out a couple of times at university blush but grew up and got over it by my early 20s. It's not something grown-ups should be doing.

Helltotheno Mon 11-Mar-13 14:09:13

Did you say upthread that he said himself he may have a drink problem? Sorry, can't find it now. I know if I were in your shoes, i wouldn't be walking up that aisle right now OP, though it's hard to know what to do for the best.

I think your best bet is to be honest with him and tell him that you won't marry him (and by implication won't stay with him) unless he sorts out the drinking. I've seen too many lives ruined by alcohol to say anything else. There are also lots of what people call 'functioning alcoholics' walking around not doing anything about their problem, but the effect that has on families is still catastophic. Someone doesn't have to be drinking meth spirits to be a full alcoholic!

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:10:46

No it's not. He doesn't drink a lot at home. Since being pregnant he's rarely even had one beer, and that's only been if I offer it. We would share a few glasses of wine with a meal. He drinks, but I wouldn't say heavily. The problem seems to be when out.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:11:47

Hellto, yes I did. He's worried about his lack of control.

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:12:56

He said that and then I said it was just a stupid one off. Which is when he told me that it wasn't and gave me the history of drinking to excess.

cestlavielife Mon 11-Mar-13 14:19:34

"it's something he can't control"
"He's worried about his lack of control"

that is an excuse isnt it?
sorry i cant control myself... if he really cannot he has a massive problem....if he is making excuses then you have a problem ....
how old is he?
ask him to get some help.

dont marry him!

AmIAMug Mon 11-Mar-13 14:23:10

He's nearly thirty.

It's not that he says he can't control it, it's that it never seems to have occurred to him that he needed to.

He says now he knows he can and will control it

Time will tell. I'm not giving more than one chance.

I honestly thought he was different and normal. Normal issues, not big ones.

Helltotheno Mon 11-Mar-13 14:32:20

I'd say just wait a while and see how things go OP. Don't plan a wedding for the time being.

...oh and I'm sorry you're dealing with this at the moment. It's rubbish you should be worrying about this sort of thing. I really hope he pulls his socks up.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now