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ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT: This thread hasn't been posted on for a while.
OH of 8 years has 2 kids he didn't tell me about. Gutted.(242 Posts)
I found out from my OH's mother on Weds that he fathered twin boys 25 years ago when he was a teenager. I knew absolutely nothing about them until I walked into his Mum's house a few weeks ago to hear two strangers calling her Nan. I asked my OH about them and he said they were an ex girlfriend's kids. I asked him again a few days later outright if they were his -they look like his Dad - and again he denied it.
His mum eventually told me because she thought I had a right to know. One of the boys has just become a dad, making my OH a grandad and my 4 yr old and 1yr old aunties. I've been with OH 8 years and no-one, not even him, the father of my two girls thought to tell me till now.
I'm a reasonable, patient understanding person who can forgive mistakes but I can't forgive being lied to and even conned.
I don't know what to think or do for the best. We've been on rocky ground for the past 18months due to his lack of responsibility and preferring to smoke in his den rather than spend time with us. I feel this deceit is the final straw. I feel like I've been catapulted into someone else's life.
How would you feel?
Op first of all and (((((HUGS))))) hope u & kids are ok?
You may have already kicked his sorry butt to the kerb (what most of us would've done... last week!) or you may have forgiven him, whatever you decided is not our business but eventually he WILL hurt you again, you know this, it's why you posted the thread?
Anyway just wishing you well and hoping u r taking care xxxx
OP, if you're still reading...so sorry you have to go through this. Take one day at a time, you can do it!
even if all you do is phone citizen's advice or a helpline about benefits... its all a step in the right direction.
keep strong for the children xx
Dione, I didn't say that OP should be concerned with her respondent's time constraints, I said that it was their own responsibility
On reflection, Dione, I doubt the 'shock' you refer to is quite as 'massive' as you may consider it to be as, during the course of her relationship with her dp, the OP has had extensive experience of his habitual lies.
Even though it may be her intention or hope that any separation will be temporary, it's precisely because, entirely of her own accord, the OP has 'told her DP to leave' that she needs to make good on her words, Dione.
To do anything less will not only give him the message that all he has to do is
squeeze out a few crocodile tears cry to have her overlook his lack of respect for her and the family they have created, it will also serve to compromise the OP's integrity if she fails to ensure that her word is as good as her bond.
With regard to your reference to Eastenders, it may have escaped your attention that some posts on this board fall into the category of 'you couldn't make it up' and it can be the case that art imitates life.
AF, I think the OP has enough on her RL plate without worrying about the time investment of the posters on this thread. She has had a massive shock, has gathered her strength and told her DP to leave and is doing her best for her DCs. It's hardly a surprise if she needs to breathe, think and build up enough energy to actually remove him from the home.
OP isn't being given grief. That would only be the case if she couldn't come back, even with the same problem. And MN has proved, time and time again, that support is not conditional.
But respondents have to protect their own time to a certain extent, because that ole saying "you can take a horse to water..." is applicable here, as in so many of these situations. It's up to the OP what next step she takes, if any.
Wow. Just Wow. I didn't know that in return for Support and advice the OP has to LTB within a timescale.
This isn't Eastenders. The OP and her family are real people going through a real difficult period. As this is her life and not simply words typed on a keyboard are any of you surprised that practicalities and possibly second thoughts are getting in the way of whoever's deadline said OP's DP had to be gone by this Saturday. The fact that she is now being given grief for not doing what you say when you say it is .
I'm glad she started the thread and I think that it was very helpful, but I totally get why she left it when she did.
And this is why I (as gracefully as I can, through gritted teeth) withdraw from these threads when it is clear OP is rationalising and finding any way she can to stay in the same awful situation.
It's the children I feel sorry for..OP is a grown woman able to make her choices. Children are forced to live with the bad decisions of their parents.
Apologies OP, I certainly don't want to upset you.
But please let me remind you of your very own point in one of your earlier posts:
The stock 'psychological' response is one thing, but to put yourself in the same situations that require cover up is what's also been rocking our relationship. He won't take responsibility for anything.
Don't allow his spineless, lowlife ways to infect your standards OP.
An ex of mine 'hid' the fact he had two children. He told me about the first a couple of months into the relationship - but at the time managed to convince myself that he just hadn't wanted to scare me off.
A year later he said 'I told you about my daughter didn't I?' - I thought that was odd as she lived abroad with her mum and I had taken him to the airport to go visit her. I had been starting to feel uneasy about the situation as originally he told me he had never lived with his daughter, but the story kept changing slightly until it was wildly different from the original.
Anyway, it turned out he had another daughter who was a teenager. He was a teen when she was born. He was off to the army and his gf told him she was pregnant - he hadn't believed her and had assumed it was a lie to get him to stay. He told me he had never met her but was going to meet her now. I believed him. One night he called her ahead of meeting and I overheard him saying how much she must have changed as it had been years since he had seen her.
Trust had then gone out of our relationship as I didn't believe a word he said. Worse though, I couldn't be with a man who would deny his children.
I have been thinking about this.
When my step father died we were told that none of his children from his previous marriages were to come to the funeral.
This was done to protect the image he had cultivated in his last few years as a decent man.
This didn't bother me as I remember him as a vile abusive in every way you can imagine bastard.
My sister (his actual daughter from his second family) was devastated to be excluded. He wasn't abusive to her. Apart from the fact she wasn't even allowed to be acknowledged as his child even when he was buried.
I have no idea if his children from his first marriage were even told he was dead as most of them had nothing to do with him for 20+ years.
His image was more important than any of his children. His true colours showed even in his death. No idea what shit he spun his last wife clearly every single on of his children and step children were vile human beings he had to suffer with over his life...
Izzy can I ask you a as? Hijack alert, sorry.
Am I right to say that you have several male partners who you see from time to time, have a great time with each but live alone?
Is this because of the way many men are?
Sometimes I think that women are coming out from under and we are not economically doomed to stay with a loser like we used to have to do. Now we can and do leave, and live alone, and do it our way etc.
But don't you think this is a sad indictment on men? And do you think this is a middle step on the way and hopefully mothers are bringing up decent little boys now, and me themselves are realising that they don't get to act the way they might like to and stay with decent women.... I hope it goes that way. I think it is a shame that so many of us may miss out on sharing our lives. Not that having a man is the be all and end all of course, but it is part of life in my mind...
I still think she will make him leave. It's just when he will go that is yet to be seen.
It's all well and good for us to say to her to get him out this second or call the police, but that's someone else's home we are talking about and things seldom move that quickly.
Good luck op if you are still reading. I think you wised up very appropriately, and washed that rosy tint off, and hopefully time will sort you out with a decent man.
Meanwhile, like a lot of us, take time to ask about your own role in this. Xxx
I feel sorry for OP. When ground down, so that this level of abuse becomes normalised it can be very hard when your perspective re shifts. When the realisation of your collusion (unwitting) tumbles down on you it's hard to deal with. Sometimes it's easier to retreat.
What I think she needs is some support in with the firm words.
I too get frustrated on these threads because women very clearly outline an awful situation, then backtrack. You want to desperately help them but like an alcoholic only that person can make that break.
I'd never facilitate by suggesting this is ok, yes stay... But I hope I'd see that personal confidence needs boosting so that OP realises she can do it
There's no question that you're right about the 'nuances', badinage, and the OP is most probably conflicted by considerations which she's not made reference to here.
Nevertheless, the manner in which she has abandoned her thread would suggest that unless she deals with her oh's lamentable lack of integrity in a straightforward manner, she'll be in danger of of losing hers.
I expect it's a bit more nuanced than this.
I think when someone gets a life shock that forces them to confront what they've been avoiding, about themselves as much as the other person, it kick-starts a process rather than a big bang.
Hopefully this thread has started that process. Certainly, it's outlined quite starkly for the OP what her future choices will say about her and her character. But it may also have forced her to confront things about her past decisions that she's preferred to see as being motivated by positives such as wanting to believe the best of people, and not selfishness.
It's very hard to confront things about ourselves that we don't like and when that's combined with having to face the upheaval of the end of a relationship and life as you know it, it's not surprising if old self-defence mechanisms kick in to cope with the enormity of the situation.
I hope you feel you can come back OP when you're a bit further along this process.
Since when has it been insulting to tell someone what they don't want to hear?
You seem to have
conveniently forgotten you were the one who referred to this latest in his long history of lies and deceit as being 'the final straw' and said you'd told him to leave, by which even a casual reader would assume that, having wrung every last ounce of sympathy for your situation over the past week, you had turned your attention to seeking confirmation you were within your rights to tell the duplicitous cocklodger to get his sorry arse out of your home.
FWIW, the only 'agitation' that's apparent here are the pom-poms which were shaken by way of further support for your stated intention, albeit I suspect those who have taken the time to respond to your thread may feel 'a bit'
agitated irritated by the manner in which you've chosen to insult their intelligence.
In the interests of conserving my time and energy for more worthy causes, when you post again
after he's upped sticks for a similarly deluded ow I would be obliged if you would make it clear that you don't intend to take on board any advice and are merely looking for affirmation that whatever you've already made up your mind to do is the appropriate course of action.
You are staying with him then
Good luck, you will need it
Ok. Posts have gone from supportive to insulting and a bit agitated. Thanks to all the support over the last week. You are immense. OP signing off.
He sounds like a total waste of space tbh. I would not tolerate all of this crap from him as well as enabling his drug addiction. I'm sorry but I think if you let him stay then you are as bad as each other. FFS I feel very sorry for your DDs having a father like this - what an example for them
So you pay most of the bills too?
What did you ever see in this bloke?
Does he work and/or pay his way (at least in this particular family set up)?
Get him out
What are you waiting for
You don't want him there. He has no claim to be there. If he won't leave, call the police.
You are a normal mum. But if you let this dickhead stay, that comes under question, sorry.
And you are letting him. Unless you are scared he will use violence against you, in which case that is an entirely different matter.
You've told him to leave twice so, by my reckoning, that's 2 strikes and now he's out.
If he's too blinded by tears to pack sufficient items for the remainder of the weekend pending collection of the rest, I suggest you load up a bin bag, knot and tie it to a stick, and send him on his way with encouragement from the police, if necessary.
The shock of your
boot up his arse decisiveness may result in him experiencing an epiphanybut, if not, you'll be relieved of the onerous burden of having a manchild to dance attendance on care for.
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