Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I do EVERYTHING whilst he sits in his pants playing x box

(104 Posts)
Fairy130389 Sat 23-Feb-13 07:44:00

Hi there.
The argument is fresh so this may well be a bit ranty, apologies in advance.

My husband is kind, thoughtful, generous, and an absolute prick.
We both work full time (My job is a long commute away and I have to leave at 6.45 and don't get home until 6.30), he works 4 days a week on a 12 hr shift, meaning he has 4 straight days off per week.

I have a 7 yr old step daughter who lives with us.
I am also 6 months pregnant.

'D'H is the messiest, uncleanest laziest person EVER. When I first visited his flat it was like something out of how clean is your house.

I'm no desperate housewife but I can't live like that.
For him, cleaning is not a priority. and so he doesn't do it. at all. he just makes more mess. When I say he doesn't do it by the way, I don't mean he doesn't clean the floors, I mean, he doesn't do the washing up, empty bins etc etc, really really basic stuff. So. I have to come home from work, whilst he's had a busy day sitting on his arse, to cook dinner. Before starting I have to clean the kitchen, because he will have made himself breakfast/dsd breakfast, his lunch and obv left it out on the side in a mess explosion.

Honestly it is amazing how much mess one 28 year old man can make in one day.

I pack the lunches, I deal with childcare when he's working, I do all the cooking, shopping (he will occasionally go shopping but doesn't understand that a family need more than fish fingers and chips so I usually have to go again anyway)

I have tried to talking to him about this but it always ends up in an argument.
I can't go on strike because the mess doesn't bother him at all.

I asked him to empty the bins the other day (they had begun to spill onto the floor) he told me off for nagging him and said that he 'always does it'...
I came home, not done. I have given him 3 days. Still not done. So I did it myself.

I am so paranoid that I will end up having a c section and won't be able to do this stuff. He won't understand why it needs doing and lack of sleep will make me unable to turn a blind eye and I can just see us constantly rowing.

this may seem trivial but I'm just so tired and would just like to live in a reasonable environment. Not a show home. just reasonable.

I find myself planning my days off around cleaning. Which will take all day, but as soon as his day off rolls around, it's back to a squat again.

I've even hired a cleaner but he complains that she puts things back in the wrong place!!!!!!! At least she puts things back!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know how to manage this, he is so unreasonable when I try and talk about it and I'm finding it so upsetting that it always turns into a huge row.

Sorry about the long post.

Shagmundfreud Sat 23-Feb-13 07:50:36

Give him three options:

- he keeps the place clean and tidy. You may need to show him how to do this.
- he gives you money to pay a cleaner to do what he should be doing
- you leave.

I couldn't live like this. DH is messy, but so am I. He'll stack the dishwasher, sort the laundry out, empty the bins. If he knew it was making me feel angry and upset he'd deal with it, as your DH should.

stargirl1701 Sat 23-Feb-13 07:53:07

You need to address this as a lack of respect for shared living. He needs to agree to a certain standard and maintain it.

Bigwuss Sat 23-Feb-13 07:57:46

He sounds very selfish and stuck as a teenager.
has he thought about what it will be like when you have a baby crawling through the filth, can you paint a picture that will help him see? Honestly, if you only argue, I would consider getting counselling as the baby is going to make this a bigger issue and having someone help you both work through this may make the difference.
Or think about what is the minimum you want completed and sort out a rota so he has specific tasks. Treat him like the child he is behaving like.

TDada Sat 23-Feb-13 07:58:10

Kick the bastard where it hurts. Would not normally suggest this but a withdrawal of ALL privileges is in order. A list of chores on the wall with daily sign off by both of you is in order. Why are you putting up with this?

HoneyandRum Sat 23-Feb-13 08:00:44

If you stay together you will HAVE to have a cleaner with a new baby coming. What is he expecting to do once the baby comes? I.e. will he have the awareness to care for you and the new baby? If not I see this rapidly going downhill because you will have even more domestic work and all the childcare. If you have not mothered a newborn/young child before you will also be amazed at the work involved and the serious sleep deprivation. I would get a B plan arranged for help when the baby comes because it's looking very likely that DH won't be providing any. Sorry to be so blunt but it doesn't sound like he is very interested in responsibilities or being a grownup. If you don't arrange some help you may find yourself drowning with a new baby. I really hope he steps up but don't count on any kind of transformation.

Fairy130389 Sat 23-Feb-13 08:07:18

He is completely stuck as a teenager. Part of the problem i think is that he became a father young, and has custody since she was one so my MIL kind of went overboard doing things for him because she felt sorry for him having to juggle working and childcare alone at 22. That would have been fine except now he is unrealistic about daily life because mummy dearest used to do it for him.

I think the rota thing is a good idea. We are moving into a new house in a couple of weeks so I may instigate that as a fresh start.

During our 'heated discussion' this morning I happed up the baby card and told him that if the baby was in this environment it would get ill. He looked at me like I was nuts.

I just don't get it.

I feel more and more like a doormat, but I equally don't want to live with constant arguments.

I do love him and he is a great father, reliable etc but this is just a blind spot he has and because it is not an issue to him, every time we have a discussion about it he tells me I'm causing a row unecessarily!

ErikNorseman Sat 23-Feb-13 08:11:35

He's always been like that. What made you think he would change? The only way he will make an effort is if he sees a benefit to doing it. Currently he doesn't. Even avoiding arguments isn't enough of a benefit. I can't imagine how you are going to get through to him other than to threaten to leave him and mean it. I know that doesn't help you but I think you will save kyourself a lot of stress if you stop arguing with him about it and try another tactic.

Bigwuss Sat 23-Feb-13 08:16:42

Suggest him mother moves in a he would appear to still need her if he can't take care of himself or can you take Mil away for a weekend with you and leave him and his daughter to it, would he se how much there is to do then.
Threads like this reming me why mothers of boys must get them used to helping so they turn into fully functioning adults. Your DH is not a fully functioning adult. How is he with money?

MidnightMasquerader Sat 23-Feb-13 08:18:42

I'm so sorry, OP. I have no idea what I advise. As Erik says, he's always been like this, you've always known he's been like this. What's in it for him to change? Nothing.

I honestly have no idea what to advise. Such a man is anathaema to me and I have no idea how they attract decent, kind women as life-partners. I'd have bid him farewell the first time I stepped into his cesspit...

TweedSlacks Sat 23-Feb-13 08:25:35

sounds like a very entitled young man and you have morphed into his mum in looking after him. As you are pg ( congrats ) he should be looking after you, not the other way round.
Stop shopping and cooking for him maybe?
The X box might suddenly stop working when you pop it in the microwave for 30 ses
Can you not leave a list of tasks that need doing , ffs he is at home alone for 9 hrs . If he spent just 2 hrs doing cleaning your house should be acceptable .
Lazy sexist pig springs to mind . sees housework as womens work and wont do any. Tosser .
Better stop now as getting ranty and get the bedding in the wm

rhondajean Sat 23-Feb-13 08:52:15

Yes why are you cooking and buying food in for him?

Shock treatment.

CailinDana Sat 23-Feb-13 10:21:55

he's a "great dad"? Seriously? A great dad is one who is happy to let his children live in filth? One who has no idea how to shop for a family?

A great dad is one who actually gets off his arse and puts the effort in. He's already seriously letting both his children down by giving his DD a horrible example of how women should expect to be treated and by not looking after the mother of his new child.

Xales Sat 23-Feb-13 10:24:12

Can you give an example of how he is kind and thoughtful as all I can see is a selfish dick who is using a 6 month pregnant woman as a cook, cleaner and free child minder.

I would think hard about moving in with him and go elsewhere unless impossible.

Stop cooking for him and washing his pants. Move into a separate room and leave all bar the communal kitchen and bathroom to them filthy as they are.

OneMoreGo Sat 23-Feb-13 10:31:34

My ex was like this from the outset too. I was young and stupid.

It is a very very dangerous game to think you can change someone, because you can't. This is him. How are you going to work around the fact that he is an entitled, lazy selfish twat with horrible living habits? If you stay with him, of course. I wouldn't personally. He will NEVER change - you must get your head around that.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE Sat 23-Feb-13 10:34:00

Get him to pay a cleaner. That is the best solution I think.

seeker Sat 23-Feb-13 10:35:58

In what ways is he "kind,thoughtful and generous"?

HecateWhoopass Sat 23-Feb-13 10:36:22

You saw his flat.

You knew what he was like.

You still went ahead.

How is this a surprise to you? grin

You need to tell him that he may not care about living in filth but you do and if he cares about you he will care about something that distresses you.

You need to make him understand that he cannot live in filth. That a home must be clean. That it is unfair to children to make them grow up in filth. If your home is not clean - it will stink, YOU will stink and THEY will stink. You will get used to it and won't smell it but it will cling to you and others will smell it. There are people I know who have a stinky house and they walk round all day smelling of it. They don't even realise.

And what about friends? Would it not be utterly humiliating to have them round? Children's friends? Want that going round the school? You don't want to be forever known as the 'mucky family'

He needs to know all that. THAT is what you need to be telling him. Not having a clean home is not an option.

Your post describes a man who doesn't really give a shit how you feel, not a kind, generous and thoughtful person.

You're right that going on strike probably wouldn't bother him. He doesn't care how the house is, doesn't care if you all stink to high heaven and doesn't care that it upsets you.

pirouette Sat 23-Feb-13 10:37:28

Get rid of the X box.

Are you afraid of him?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Sat 23-Feb-13 10:37:35

He is not a great Dad, and he is not thoughtful.

Thoughtful would be to have a tidyish house and a meal waiting when you get home from work when he has been at home all day, even more so as you are 6 months pregnant.

A great Dad would show his daughter than he respects women by doing his fair share of domestic chores.

I would think long and hard about the position you are in. Is the house in your name or his? Rented, mortgage?

ProphetOfDoom Sat 23-Feb-13 10:41:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker Sat 23-Feb-13 10:43:10

And it sounds as if you got rid of the cleaner because he didn't like it- that right?

delilahlilah Sat 23-Feb-13 10:44:41

Immediate reaction is leave, so he gets the shock he deserves. He is NOT going to change as things are. Tell him you are not going to argue any more. X, Y and Z have to happen or you WILL leave and not look back. If he is agreeable to dragging himself away from the Xbox, then you could look at options like shopping online - so you choose what you want, but make sure delivery is when you are in work so he puts it all away. Also, encourage DSD to join in with little cleaning jobs, show her that it is nicer when it is clean and tidy - therefor she is likely to point this out to her father in the wonderfully tactless way that kids do wink
Does his Mother visit at all? What does she have to say?

Fairenuff Sat 23-Feb-13 10:45:46

You married him knowing how he lived. He won't change. Your choices are to either put up with it, or leave. Sorry.

cuppateaanyone Sat 23-Feb-13 10:56:51

dh was identical.
after years of rows every saturday as i cleaned i snapped.
hid the x box control and went out.
On my return I said this was serious and would not go on.
We identified that he requires very explicit instructions about keeping things clean and tidy ie when you walk downstairs take cups with you or every other day you do one of these jobs ( he wrote them down on his iPhone)
We now shop online to avoid him buying rubbish or the wrong stuff.
We have a cleaner and now I am sane, he can play on his x box and whilst its work in progress it's so much better

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now