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Something terrible happened last night...

(194 Posts)
Felix77 Fri 22-Feb-13 15:12:05

Hi there,

Thought I might post as its been playing on my mind and wanted to see what others thought. We have two year old dd who is the love of our lives and she is very 'mummy demanding' at present. Im still breastfeeding her so some nights she will call out for me in the night. I'll usually go in and comfort her as my husband, although he offers is usually in a very grumpy mood and has difficulty getting up at that time - he will usually complain, swear and carry on abut her waking so I just tell him to go back to bed. Lately things have been changing. My hubby has been stressed at work - I have also (I work PT and also study and he works FT). Last night DD cried out - I waited for a little to see if she would settle and didn't so I went in - bf her and put her down but she wasnt having any of it. So I asked hubby to see if he would do it, (a very rare occasion indeed to see if she would stop fussing for me) he went in, sat down yawning and said to her "go back to sleep" in a stern voice. I poked my head around the corner and whispered "do that thing you do with her". Anyway he started swearing at me telling me to F off (in front of the child). I went in and told him to stop - DD crying and screaming for me at this point. so I told him not to worry and go back to bed. He went to the spare room and as I brought her in with me (in the back ground he was yelling out) I was so furious with him, I went to the bedroom to tell him how insensitive he was and he was still swearing at me. I had a glass with about 50 ml of water in it in my hand and so I threw it on him and told him he needed to cool down and control himself. Anyway this was a big mistake as he jumped out of bed yelling "you Bitch!" and chased me to the bedroom where DD was, he grabbed me by my clothes and shoved me forward and backward so I feel over on my back. DD was crying again crying out "mummy". I was terrified that she could see what was happening. My husband swearing and yelling at me at this point - grabbed me again and through to the hallway and I fell against the stair banister. I told him to get his hands off me and he stormed downstairs. I went back in to be with DD to calm her down - her heart and my heart was beating so fast it took me hours to get back to sleep. This morning he acknowledged that he was wrong for swearing but seemed to have a mental block for being physical. I told him that shoving me and pushing me around was wrong especially in front of dd. i also have a mark on my chest from his fingernails. He said that she only 2 so she wouldn't know - however i disagree and believe this should never happen. It has happened before a few times in our 7 years of marriage but he has never hit me. What do you think about this?

NaturalBaby Fri 22-Feb-13 15:44:33

It would take me a long time to look a man in the eye who did that to me, let alone be in the same house as him.

Throwing water wasn't the best idea but he overreacted completely.

For your childs sake don't put up with it.

yellowbrickrd Fri 22-Feb-13 15:56:01

Is someone trying to justify the violent behaviour of this person by highlighting the water throwing? Come off it!

He reacted by swearing and being a git when she asked for help; he reacted with violence, shouting and swearing to having a bit of water chucked at him; he now pretends the violence didn't happen. He sounds like a very dangerous person and I wouldn't want to risk living with him.

Sariah Fri 22-Feb-13 16:01:25

If someone threw water at me in the middle of the night I wouldnt be held responsible for my actions. You escalated it. Take some responsibility for your actions. There are a pair of you in it. I cant understand those who are saying that its fine to throw water at someone. He overreacted but thats what cold water is designed to do its meant to shock someone. You asked him to get up, he got up, you went in after him. What was the point of asking him if you were going to follow him in. why did you just not deal with it. People overreact in the middle of the night when they are tired. I have done it myself. Not excusing his behavior but dont think yours should be excused either.

Zaphiro Fri 22-Feb-13 16:01:41

No-one's justifying his behavior yellowbrickrd. Everyone thinks his behavior was unacceptable and that he was in the wrong. Some people - OP included - think her behavior was unacceptable too.

OP, has he been violent before, or do you mean you've argued before?

sudaname Fri 22-Feb-13 16:03:10

Whats with the throwing water on people lately ? There was another thread about someone doing this lately,might have been a mum over her child.
Anyway I think you wind each other up tbh , both in the wrong. He had got up as you asked although you say he gets grumpy, maybe because he works FT and has to be up every morning, a lot of people are very grumpy if sleep deprived.
But then instead of leaving him to it, to do it his way, you start instructing him how to pacify his DD. He obviously found that patronising.
He did totally overreact however and that language and behaviour certainly can affect a two year old. It is nonsense that she is too young to remember/be affected.
You need to talk seriously about how to stop this happening again and go for counselling as others have said. You need to stop helicoptering over him when he has agreed to see to his own DD when she wakes or any other time for that matter and resist the temptation to ever throw water at him again both of which are very belittling behaviour but as others have said there is no excuse for physical violence and he needs to learn to control his language and temper.

PeppermintPasty Fri 22-Feb-13 16:07:42

I see why people are analysing what the op did. I myself made a comment about the water.

The fact is he was very violent towards her. It was not a normal or acceptable reaction, even allowing for the water.

IME, and sadly I have some, people who do what the op's partner did will not simply stop if they are given a stiff talking to. I daresay it will continue, and get worse.

sudaname Fri 22-Feb-13 16:16:14

That's the problem l suppose, l too have experience unfortunately. Do you get counselling and both try and fix it and then everything is ok and then one night five years down the line live to regret it. There is always a risk that some people like my exh. can put a lid on their temper and 'behave' for months,even years after being called on it and you think they are changed but underneath really it is just still there brewing.

Well if someone was swearing and shouting at me (and no doubt calling me names) and I had some water I would probably throw it at them as well.
He had no right at all to shout and swear at you.
And then because you react he gets violent.
Sorry, but if anyone got even a little bit violent with me, that would be it! End of relationship. Kicked out of the house and never ever return.
That fact he's done it before is quite horrifying.
Taking from someone who has seen this, it will not stop. It will not improve.
You need him out of the house.
How many times has it happened before?

ouryve Fri 22-Feb-13 16:24:37

Felix, you've apologised for your actions, but you are no way responsible for the way he assaulted you and your child.

Call the police and get rid, before he does more than push you over.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 16:30:41

felix, you do know that shoving and grabbing are as bad as hitting, really, don't you? They are all physical assault.

CheeseStrawWars Fri 22-Feb-13 16:38:00

He chased you, with the intent of hurting you. He maintained a sustained attack. He shows no remorse. Dealbreaker.

dondon33 Fri 22-Feb-13 16:40:53

I don't really understand the point of specifically waking him to see to dd if you were going to interfere.
I don't understand why you would throw water over him, if I've read the OP right and he's been violent previously. Didn't it cross your mind or weren't you afraid that it could, potentially kick him off? Not that it excuses him.

He was bang out of order, you did not deserve to be assaulted, to be terrified and end up injured. HE chose to do this so please don't feel responsible for that.
What do you want to do? do you think you can trust him after this?
I hope you and dd are ok.

EternalRose Fri 22-Feb-13 16:43:27

I am a bit confused by some of the responses here...

I mean, the OP went to see him in the other room because she could hear him effing and blinding while she was trying to comfort her daughter in bed. To be honest it sounds like was at her wits end and I probably would have done the same. confused

EternalRose Fri 22-Feb-13 16:45:23

I agree with hellsbells, it was verbal abuse from him first, she reacted and then he was violent?

Lafaminute Fri 22-Feb-13 16:51:45

He sounds super stressed. OF COURSE he shouldn't have touched you at all in anger but he had obviously reached breaking point. Maybe he needs help

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Fri 22-Feb-13 16:53:55

I am very sorry this happened.

I do not care you threw water at him. Yes, not great. But his reaction was his choice and the not remembering any of it is so convenient.

Have you got physical marks? Could a GP log it ate least?

What do you want to do do?

My mum taught me to leave at the first sign of violence, ever, so I am afraid (glad) my experience is very limited. More experience posters will come along but in my book this is assault.

((Hugs)).

ohforfoxsake Fri 22-Feb-13 16:55:45

Take a photo of the markings he made and keep it.

Only you can decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. You both behaved badly, and you have to take responsibility for escalating it. what you did was stupid, what he did was worse.

Life with small children is hard work. Bloody hard work and it takes it's toll. I've been in your position - both my DH and I have behaved badly like you and yours have. It was an angry, hurtful time when everything was just too much and we weren't handling life very well.

Counselling might be something to look at - we used Relate and it helped. As a start you could try acknowledging the demands life is making and try a bit harder with each other. That sounds a bit lame given the extreme behaviour of last night but something's got to give.

happyhorse Fri 22-Feb-13 17:09:41

I would be asking him to leave.

curiousgeorgie Fri 22-Feb-13 17:20:22

You threw water over him. I would find that completely unacceptable.

Dryjuice25 Fri 22-Feb-13 17:24:11

Its progressed from verbal to mild physical abuse and next time it could be gross bodily harm or worse. It will get worse as he has the capacity to do this. Please listen as he is telling you who he really is.

Throwing water is not nice but it would not kill anyone. Physical assault might.

happyhorse Fri 22-Feb-13 17:26:27

The water is besides the point. Yes it was a silly thing to do and had DH done that to me I would be mightily pissed off, but I would never assault him, especially not in front of our child. There is no excuse or justification for violently losing control of yourself.

mattysmum09 Fri 22-Feb-13 17:36:47

I'll be watchin this thread with interest is it basicaly if you both behave badly u should let it go? Although I suppose steps to stop it happening again would be a good start too. For the record I think u both behaved badly but he really shouldn't have done what he did.

Branleuse Fri 22-Feb-13 17:41:57

you cant expect to assault your partner and then it not turn into a physical fight, especially not in the night when youre both exhausted and stressed. You were both just as much in the wrong as each other.

sudaname Fri 22-Feb-13 17:43:41

Has he flatly denied the violence or just not acknowledged it or actually said he cant remember it ?

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