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Ex at wedding

(207 Posts)
Heynegrita Tue 12-Feb-13 13:58:25

I am going to be chief bridesmaid at a wedding soon. My ex partner will be there with his new girlfriend. I left him approx 2 years ago for another man.

He has said I cannot bring my new partner to the wedding.

The wedding couple are friends of both of us. The groom being my ex's best friend.

Although I feel I cannot say anything as I would not spoil the wedding, I am wondering if I can leave early. I feel everyone will be judging me as all my exh friends have said they don't want my partner at the wedding either.

We are all in our thirties.

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 19:10:00

I hope there will be no drama too.

Maryz Wed 13-Feb-13 19:16:06

Just as a matter of interest were you married to this ex? Do you have children together? Did you own a house together?

Because if you were just living together and you split up (even if you did "go off" with another man), his behaviour is ridiculous.

Obviously if you were married for years, had a couple of small children, owned a house together and you kicked him out of the house and moved the new b/f in, then I can understand the resentment.

But anything less - well, I dunno; you sound pretty mature about it, he sounds like an arse.

2rebecca Wed 13-Feb-13 19:23:31

Agree, if he's just an expartner not exhusband and to me that's pretty much like an exboyfriend and if any of my exboyfriends said I couldn't bring my new bloke to the wedding I'd be peeved. You don't make vows to boyfriends. On the other hand the new bloke isn't a husband either, i presume if he was it would be harder to exclude him. I see later in the OP she refers to exh, I think the husband v boyfriend thing is important to many people.
I wouldn't agree to be bridesmaid to any event where my current man wasn't invited though and knowing that the groom was good friends with the ex would have checked that first.

Heynegrita Wed 13-Feb-13 19:26:58

We were married but I left him and the house. No children.

Heynegrita Thu 14-Feb-13 15:26:34

Ex has sent me an email asking me to stay away from wedding. Tthat will make things easier for him. Unless I can give him a reason for what I did or what he did to make me capable if it.

So I may bow out

Thank you for all your replies

TheWizardsWife Thu 14-Feb-13 15:31:58

I'll try and word this as politely as possible as it isn't necessarily aimed at the OP.
If this was the other way around and it was a man who had cheated who was posting this, he would receive a huge amount of criticism. I'm amazed about the double standards here, just amazed.

CartedOff Thu 14-Feb-13 15:32:00

Absolutely disgusting, to be frank.

He has no right to cause trouble for the couple whose wedding this is. No right to bring his drama into their important day and put them in this position. Presumably your dress and position as chief bridesmaid has all been sorted out? Why does he think he is allowed to interfere with this and force the bride and groom have to rearrange things around him?

Especially when the wedding is soon. It's incredibly self-absorbed. Sorry if this sounds heated but all he is going to do is cast a shadow on their day if he causes a fuss and you stand down and everything has to change.

olgaga Thu 14-Feb-13 15:33:04

He's obviously still not over you!

I think perhaps it's time you made some new friends...

Heynegrita Thu 14-Feb-13 15:42:26

I didn't cheat as such. I met somebody else and left the marriage.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 15:43:13

Oh for god's sake! He has a new partner and it was two years ago! I would email back saying that you are the chief bridesmaid and you are not prepared to let the bride down just because he has found it hard to move on. However if he finds it hard to be around you then perhaps he might like to consider dropping out.

Familyguyfan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:45:06

I find this a little odd. Yes, you had an affair and left. Not good, but that doesn't mean you have to surrender all your mutual friends.

Were you both guests, then maybe you might want to give some thought to not attending. However, you are not a guest. You have been appointed chief bridesmaid by the bride. If he is so uncomfortable, then he can stay at home. Were he best man and you a guest, then you might want to give some thought to staying at home.

If he is so upset still then he can protect himself by not attending in this instance. Why should you upset the Bride and Groom (who, quite frankly, are more important on the day than either of you) by not attending? Sorry, that sounded harsh and I didn't mean it to, but you get the gist!

Heynegrita Thu 14-Feb-13 15:51:03

I didn't think of suggesting he could stay away .

Familyguyfan Thu 14-Feb-13 15:52:53

I'm afraid you are letting him decide on who goes to the wedding. Last time I checked, that was the job of the bride and groom! If he doesn't like it, we'll attendance isn't mandatory. I'll bet you now, wild horses won't keep him away. He just wants to punish you some more. Personally, I wouldn't let him!

Maryz Thu 14-Feb-13 15:55:26

I think you should forward his email to the bride, ask her to talk to the groom about what would make it easiest for them and agree to abide by their decision.

It is really the only thing you can do at this stage sad.

Alternatively, you could email him back and say "I left because I feel out of love with you. I'm sorry about that, but it was two years ago and I can't turn the clock back. but the more you carry on like this the more relieved I am that I left ".

Maryz Thu 14-Feb-13 15:57:08

And I don't think the replies are necessarily more sympathetic because the op is a woman, they are because this all happened two years ago and the ex has a new gf, so should have moved on by now hmm

Obviously if she had screwed him over and taken the family home and children and moved the new partner in and not let him see the kids, for example, then he would have a case.

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 15:57:46

WTF!

Reply saying it was because of things like this e-mail?

Poor groom and bride!

That's probably what he wanted in the first place, by asking that your DP didn't go.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 16:01:24

I bet his poor girlfriend would be thrilled to know it's still so important to him. hmm It's enough that you are agreeing to go without your DP by your side on what is a special day for you. You have done enough to appease everyone else and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Lueji Thu 14-Feb-13 16:01:54

If this was the other way around and it was a man who had cheated who was posting this, he would receive a huge amount of criticism.

No, I would still think that a woman, who had a new partner and had not been left with the children, nor kicked out of her own home, did not have the right to tell other people who should go to their wedding or not.
Particularly if that meant kicking out the best man (Chief bridesmaid equivalent).

GreenShadow Thu 14-Feb-13 16:08:54

To me the most important thing is to consult the bride and groom.

They have to be happy with the decision.

Apart from that, I fail to see why the chief bridesmaid should be the one to opt out, rather than someone who is just a good friend.

What ever the final decision - OP I think you are behaving very considerately over this and hope you Exh appreciates your thoughtfulness.

Narked Thu 14-Feb-13 16:12:21

Wow. That's some email. I feel sorry for his girlfriend.

I think all you can do is forward the email to the bride and groom and say that you really want to be there for their special day, you weren't planning on bringing your DP out of sensitivity to your ex, but that this is getting ridiculous two years on and the last thing you want is him creating a scene at their wedding so could the groom have a word with his friend.

I really don't think this man you used to be married to, two years ago has the right to dictate the guest list at his friend's wedding. If he can't handle it, then he shouldn't go.

You are not actually in a position to stay away for his sake, because you are the bride's chief bridesmaid. If you decide not to go, you are choosing the ex's well being above your friend's (the bride's).

I would just go and do your wedding duties, and if your partner was invited he should go too. If not, not.

I would not indulge this man at all. Apart from anything else it is rather insulting to his new gf that he still feels so strongly about you.

Bet you're glad you left him. He sounds very self-centred.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 16:29:15

If this is what he is like then all I can say is you had a lucky escape! He would have been a manipulative, controlling taunt.

FellatioNels0n Thu 14-Feb-13 16:29:52

Apple mac auto correct does not know the word T-W-U-N-T obviously. grin

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 14-Feb-13 16:31:54

We don't know the circumstances of the break up, the OP said she left her exH for her current partner. No excuses, no bad mouthing ex. Who is seeing someone else now. We only know the bride picked OP to be chief bridesmaid and both she and groom have socialised with OP and her partner. The groom is a good friend of exH. So whatever conclusions we draw, the couple who are getting wed have kept in touch with both OP and her exH two years' after the split.

Does a participant in another couple's wedding day have the right to dictate who takes part or is invited? Clearly a wedding is a highly emotionally charged event for many but I think that someone's losing perspective.

2rebecca Thu 14-Feb-13 16:44:22

I agree that I feel very sorry for his girlfriend as he is obviously not over you. I'm not sure what reason he expects other than the obvious "I stopped loving you and wanting to live with you".
As you are bridesmaid he should be the one not going to the wedding if he feels unable to see you and your current boyfriend. It isn't his wedding for him to dictate who else comes. he just decides if he goes.

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