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i dont know what to do :(

(204 Posts)
dadwithbaby Thu 10-Jan-13 19:10:32

I am a stay at home father looking after 5 boys youngest just turnt 2 having problems with the teenagers. My partner of 17 years was abused physically and sexually as a child but has been trying to carry on with life. That all changed a few weeks ago when all the past was brought up when our son was having a counselling session. She now walks away from me i am not allowed to show any affection (cuddles) or am i allowed to tell her how special she is. She says she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out. I love her more than anything and it is tearing me apart thinking that she may no longer love me and also that she is going through this alone. She is now withdrawn secretive and staying out and it doesnt help that i feel low at times from the isolation of looking after the boys. I just dont know where to turn or how i can help my beautiful wife who is my world. When alone i just want to break down and cry and to be honest have done a number of times after she has said some hurtful things. :'( help please

pollypandemonium Fri 22-Feb-13 20:41:44

Jux people with mental illness usually don't know they've got it. The point is that she is avoiding dealing with the issue of childhood sexual abuse and that's sent her over the edge. None of this is fair to anyone but any blame should be directed at the person that abused her and not at her as that would be self-defeating - the children won't benefit from hatred towards her.

Jux Fri 22-Feb-13 22:21:54

Are you suggesting that the op has been directed to encourage his children to hate their mother? I think that's pretty insulting, but will leave you to it.

izzyizin Fri 22-Feb-13 22:57:29

I don't what OP you're reading, polly, but your responses don't seem to bear much relation to what I've read here.

What isn't known is whether the historic abuse dad's wife allegedly suffered in her childhood is something that was previously known to dad or whether she disclosed it at the time of, or immediately following, her ds's counselling session.

However, what is known is that prior to this counselling session, dad's w had formed a liaison with another man and, while telling dad that she cannot be in a relationship while she sorts herself out and leaving him to assume all of the care for their boys 24/7, she spent night after night out with the other man until the early hours before suddenly announcing to dad that she was leaving the marital home to move in with him.

You may see this as the actions of a woman who is suffering from mental illness. I see it as the actions of a woman who fell for another man and used every trick in the book to keep her h on hold until she was sure of the om's affections, whereupon she upped and left her h and her 5 sons high and dry.

The level of cunning dad's w has displayed, together with her apparent lack of concern for her 5 sons, suggests that she may have a mild form of NPD which is common in those who engage in duplicity and underhandedness but, other than this, I see no sign of any behaviour which could be caused by a psychotic condition.

izzyizin Fri 22-Feb-13 23:06:49

I see nothing on this thread which supports your contention that the dc hate, or are being encouraged to hate, their dm, polly.

In a matter of mere weeks, the dc have not only had to cope with their dm leaving the family home to live with her paramour but are now having to cope with the fact that she intends to move to another country with him.

Under the circumstances it would be a tad unnatural if the dc didn't feel some animosity towards their dm for the manner in which she's effectively abandoned them in order to indulge herself with her other man.

However, with dad's love and support and with the support of therapists where necessary, I have no doubt the dc will be encouraged to work through and resolve their feelings.

pollypandemonium Fri 22-Feb-13 23:42:19

None of us can judge the situation from where we sit at our screens and only OP's wife knows what is driving this. The relationship has failed and what is important now is the children and in order to help the children, both adults need to be supported to communicate well and put themselves last. She can't do that because she's lost the plot (for whatever reason). Her going away is probably for the best, but it is likely that she will come back and the children will miss her. Focusing on her 'abandoning' them is emotive and immature. Focusing on healing the family in some way, might help.

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 00:01:17

I beg to differ in that the OP is as equally aware as his wife is as to what is 'driving this', polly.

IMO 'abandon' is the only word which can be used to describe the action of a parent who leaves the family home to live with another party and subsequently moves thousands of miles away from their young dc, but I fail to see why you are under the impression that there is any undue focus on the w's abandonment of her dc on this thread.

I would be interested in reading your suggestions as to how to 'heal the family' when a significant member is absent?

pollypandemonium Sat 23-Feb-13 00:52:52

We'll have to differ then.
I believe she's having a breakdown, you believe she's doing it deliberately because she's evil.
The family won't heal while she is being vilified.

dadwithbaby Sat 23-Feb-13 00:59:03

Polly perhaps i should have been clearer in OP but at the time i was a wreck.
I have always known about my wife's childhood experiences and have spent many years supporting her as have others sad.
This change in behaviour although sudden was in fact premeditated over a period of months by both of them. As i stated in an earlier post i was always told by my wife that our relationship was private and that i should not discuss it with others which like an idiot i respected. She on the other hand would go into work and tell people how she emotionally abused and controlled at home, neglected and unloved. The O/M incidentally a co worker pretended to be a friend to both of us and even told me how he had a woman who he was planning to move abroad with and that all they needed was time and money. Little did i know that this woman was my wife.
Incidentally the counselling session for my son actually forced their hand. She could no longer get away with the lies she was peddling and her behaviour only reinforced this. The healthcare professionals also believe that this was preplanned and some even apologised for being taken in by her.

I do communicate in a civil way purely for the sake of the boys even though i am extremely angry with the way she treated and lied about me and the boys.
She has fucked off with another man abandoned us. She knew about our sons self harming yet chose to try and hijack the support he was getting for her own needs temporary accommodation for her and new man until departure but me and the social worker put a stop to that. Not once has she asked how our self harming son is or spent time with him and i could say the same about three of the other boys. The only attention she gives is to the youngest and even that is diminishing rapidly

Despite all that happened I still tell the boys that their mum loves them. The anger that they direct towards her is of her own making.
She chose to leave. she chose another man over her children. She has chosen to leave the country. Lets make this clear the boys have had no say in her decisions they just have to suffer the fallout. I have seen them cry and beg for their mother to stay and all she has given them has been lie after lie.
These are not the actions of someone mentally ill; these actions are in fact self serving and self indulgent. She doesn't care about the consequences of her actions she actually believes that she is entitled to do what she is doing. Apparently me and boys need to learn a lesson and we have. but it is not a lesson any child should have to learn.

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 01:08:34

You carry on with your beliefs, polly and the rest of us will carry on supporting and advising dad as best we can.

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 01:11:52

What is this lesson your w seems to think you need to learn, dad? Does it have anything to do with not taking her for granted?

pollypandemonium Sat 23-Feb-13 01:22:13

There's no doubt that this is a horrific situation for you and your children to be in, I wish you all the best and all the strength you can muster to stay strong for them, but try to bite your lip about their mother because she's the only mother they have and if, perhaps, she is going through a breakdown it could lead to suicide and that wouldn't help anyone. I hope you can try to disengage, detach from the behaviour and move forward as best you can. The actions of someone suffering from mental illness are precisely what you have described - self serving and self indulgent. When people are suicidal they deliberately push people away by being rude or agressive and it is very hard to see beyond their destructive actions to see their pain.

dadwithbaby Sat 23-Feb-13 01:32:36

Yes izzy pretty much she was never taken for granted i ran after her like a puppy. Raised the boys cooked cleaned virtually all the housework. Always let her know how beautiful and special she was. She was loved by us all and she knew it.
My devotion to her was blind and for that im a fool. I was also a fool for thinking she would come to her senses and realise the damage she was causing was senseless.
The romance i thought we shared right up to the end was all a fabrication just to buy them time and for that im the fool.
I would say the lesson we have learnt bears no semblance to the intended lesson. Some bridges when burnt just cannot be rebuilt.

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 01:39:31

Are you projecting or what, polly?

Villification? Suicide? Where the fuck have they come from? You haven't read a word dad has said, have you?

Homebird8 Sat 23-Feb-13 01:40:49

I guess time will tell Polly and in the meantime Dad is doing an amazing job of supporting contact between the children and their mother as much as she can be bothered and telling them that she loves them, whilst dealing with their quite reasonable expressions of confusion and grief and anger. His unstinting support of his DSs' needs, both physical and emotional, is being managed without negating their own reactions in favour of an assumption that their mother should be absolved of her planning and forethought.

Dad, you are doing so well. It really does not matter to you or the boys what her motives were or are. She has absented herself, firstly from your relationship, and then from the family home and her sons' lives, and soon from the country. You are managing things so well, even finding time to seek support and advice here. If there were two things I would love to hear from you though they would be what your solicitor advises, and that you have told a RL friend of family member.

Hang on in there. We're listening. brew

izzyizin Sat 23-Feb-13 01:42:56

It's often the case that the philanderer chooses to blame their spouse for their own shortcomings.

In saying that you and the dc took her for granted, it seems to me that what she's saying is that she took you for granted and has demonstrated this by taking up with another man as if she hasn't a care in the world, let alone the sensitivities of 5 dc to think of.

Southwest Sat 23-Feb-13 02:11:58

I've just seen this one and wow
dadwithbaby your love and care for your sons really shines through on the thread
Im sorry I have nothing useful to say but I wish you all the best

Homebird8 Sat 23-Feb-13 04:03:23

One person's 'taken for granted' is another person's 'trust'. I take for granted that my DH is who he says he is and feels what he says he feels. People who fail to live up to their professions of intent or emotion are not to be trusted.

Your DSs can trust you Dad. Oh, and you can take me for granted.

dadwithbaby Sat 23-Feb-13 21:23:25

Polly yes it is a horrific situation created by a woman who is not mentally ill but calculating and selfish. How many times have you read about men using the script and the words used to describe them. Women like men have the potential to cheat and deceive; deciding ones path is a matter of free choice. She has made the choice to abandon a loving family chasing a dream which like all dreams she will have to awaken from. The public and private face she shows to both me and the boys differ according to audience this in itself demonstrates a cold and calculating facet of her personality. I shall not bad mouth their mother to the boys as it serves no purpose and is just plain disrespectful.
The only people she is pushing away so to speak are me and the boys but thats our fault isnt it so she can justify walking away not only to herself but those within her warped circle of colleagues.
FYI polly wife's sister is a specialist in the area of mental health and there has been no concern there.

Homebird i have always been happy for the boys to see their mother it would just be nice if she could spent time with them without constantly texting o/m give them quality time. My thoughts on the wife's premeditation are kept to myself and my posts but the boys socially aware teenagers have pointed that there are elements of planning and deception that they have seen for themselves. I suppose your right in regards to her motives it doesn't really matter her actions have said more than words could possibly say. I have spoken to a RL cousin on the issue no tears im all cried out she is a good listener and removed from main family so no complications in terms of reaction. As for the solicitor i have an appointment on tuesday if all goes well.

Izzy i think your right she took us all for granted and her self indulgent entitlement allowed her to believe she could do whatever she wanted without consequence. She still has the belief that she is right in what she is doing well lets see how long that lasts because she isn't coming back into this household under any circumstances. I do not trust her to do anything but be self serving that avoids the potential for disappointment.

southwest thankyou for your concern smile

Homebird you are correct in what you say unfortunately she has failed to live up to many professions of emotion but that also says alot about blind trust and how vulnerable it can leave an individual and those around them. I trusted my wife completely and in a sense empowered her. That trust allowed her to not only shaft me but the boys and in that sense I failed them. I didn't see it coming and consequently failed to protect my boys a mistake which will not be repeated.

Thankyou all for reading and respondingthanks

Homebird8 Sat 23-Feb-13 21:46:10

I have to say Dad, that in a two way and supportive relationship each partner's job is to empower the other. Please don't see your trust in the goodness of what you thought you and she had as a bad thing. It was honest and supportive and everything it should have been. As much as parents want to they cannot protect their children against the ambiguity and negativity of the world. Protection should be made against recognised evils and not a fear that everything may turn bad.

I'm so glad your cousin is such a good listener. We're all very well here but there is nothing like someone who can actually put the kettle on and settle down to give you a real chance to share.

Wishing you clarity on Tuesday. I hope you get on well with your solicitor and that he or she understands the complexities of your situation and has good and practical advice for you.

ThePinkOcelot Sat 23-Feb-13 22:31:03

Wow, just wow!
(((Dad))) just caught up with your thread again. You really sound like a lovely man and lovely dad and I feel so sorry for you. I cannot believe how your w is behaving. I cannot see this ending well for her, but by then it will be too late for her - tough shit!
Hang on in there, you are really doing amazing! xxx

Jux Sat 23-Feb-13 23:04:07

I quite agree, dad, that family's should empower each member. The object is to have your children feel that the family is stable enough that they can separate from it enough that they can live their lives fully, but can always return. You will be able to achieve this, dad, once you have all settled into the new configuration.

Once xw has stopped traipsing in and out as she pleases, life will be much easier.

Good luck on Tuesday.

Skyebluesapphire Sat 23-Feb-13 23:58:54

dad - glad you are still getting great support here. FWIW I don't think that your wife has MH issues. I really though that my XH was having a breakdown, because why else would a man suddenly walk out on his wife and child with no warning? But then the discovery of endless texts to OW shed more light on the situation..... and of course, the advice received on here pointed the way too.

My XH thinks that he is wonderdad because he takes DD to softplay where he spends all his time on mobile texting OW he is not spending quality time with her, so I really do understand your feelings on your STBXW and your boys.

As I have been told many times, I cannot make him have a good relationship with DD and I am not responsible for his relationship with DD. Sadly, the children will realise for themselves in due course exactly what their useless parents are like.

dadwithbaby Mon 25-Feb-13 00:35:35

Well today she never turnt up to see the boys no surprise there.
Hearing more and more shit as time goes by and to be honest im getting annoyed by it all, just how deceptive can someone be.
She told one of healthcare professionals that i trapped her by getting her pregnant she left out the part about me not being the dad to that child. The two of them have really done a number on me in terms of how long they have been building their web of lies, damn i was a complete twat idiot too naive trusting.
This whole saga has nothing to do with mental health issues that is becoming ever clearer the time and patience taken by the two is almost commendable.
The sooner the two of them fuck off travel the better it will be for all of us. The boys will no longer have the false hope that their mother may actually want to see them; it is clear that her visits are purely for show and that pisses me off annoys me.

Homebird i fully understand what your saying in regards to empowering each other in a relationship i was just having a moment of retrospective hindsight realising how i played into their narrative like a muppet but thankyou for taking the time to respond thanks

Pinkocelot It already is too late she has had her chance to realise what she is doing to her children and realistically she's too caught up with O/M to even care once she leaves the country that's her last bridge burnt. A parent should never choose another over their child and that's exactly what she is doing the consequences for that will catch up with her in time. Thankyou for taking the time to respond thanks

Jux I agree that once their mother leaves these shores the process of healing can begin for all of us. No more lies bullshit false promises and no more taking the piss not turning up to see the boys. Thankyou for reading and responding thanks

Skyblue I agree with you on the mental health point and after receiving the mobile bill the texts and call logs speak for themselves. In trusting our partners we place ourselves in a vulnerable position trouble with that is in some relationships this trust is abused and we are left to pick up the pieces not only of ourselves but our loved ones as well. Supermum she ain't and that's for the boys to realise on their own but i will be there to support them when they do sad. Time will tell if she ever feels any remorse for her actions but i find it highly unlikely judging by how this has developed. Thankyou for reading and respondingthanks

I am grateful for all those who read and respond and i apologise if sometimes i go off on one thanks

izzyizin Mon 25-Feb-13 00:50:29

Feel free to go off on one whenever you want, dad - you've earned the right the hard way sad

When will you be seeing a solicitor and when is her EDD (estimated date of departure)?

Jux Mon 25-Feb-13 08:19:41

That's the beauty of internet forums, dad. You can vent and rant as much as you like!

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