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DH is very controlling, selfish and often very angry - help!

(145 Posts)
LucyLego Thu 03-Jan-13 10:37:56

DH has had a rough ride in the last few years and it's changed him in to a different person. He has always been fiery but now it's ridiculous - he snaps at me, DCs and the dog for hardly any reason and shouts really loudly at me. He calls me a stupid woman, an idiot or tells me to shut up on an almost daily basis. He is often away with work and I don't work any more and it was supposed to make things easier but now it's even worse as he now never does anything useful with the DCs. I know I don't have to get up to go to work but it would be nice if I was allowed to go to the supermarket on my own just once in a while. He makes such a fuss about looking after DCs for an hour that it's just easier to take them with me. When he's at home he tends to just sit on the computer (yes, I see the irony!) and puts the TV on for DCs. He would never do any activities with them - colouring, painting, baking, going on a walk, taking them to a club etc. The most difficult things are to do with his opinion on my level of strictness with DCs and money. He constantly tells me that I don't discipline our DCs but the difference is that I don't just shout incessantly at them about nothing in particular. I can't get DS to nap in his bed anymore as DH has shouted so often about putting DCs in bed when they are naughty that he says "but I haven't been naughty" and cries. This week I've been trying to organise our summer holiday and have emailed him a few ideas as he's been away with work. He rang and was really grumpy about it and said "you just do whatever you like" in a stroppy teenager way. He is obsessed with hoarding money and checks our bank balance every day and quizzes me on what I have spent money on. I haven't bought anything for myself for ages and the only money I spend is on food, bills and DCs' clothes. He got really annoyed with me about the money I spent at Christmas, even though the majority of it for his family. I really do still love him and I don't want to break up the family but I can't go on with this. Does it sound like he needs some kind of stress / anger management counselling? Any helpful advice welcome!

abbierhodes Thu 03-Jan-13 11:13:35

'I'm not going to give up on him'
'I really do still love him'

Well, that's fine then. Bollocks to your kids and their mental wellbeing. Sod them, mummy doesn't want to rock the boat.
This man is emotionally abusing your children and you are letting him. You are teaching them that this is what family life is like. You are teaching them that this is how men treat women. Their lives will be difficult in the future because of this.

You are allowing them to have a shit childhood, frightened and anxious due to the 'depression' of the man who is supposed to love, cherish and protect them.

You want advice: get a fucking grip.

LucyLego Thu 03-Jan-13 11:16:14

Can't see you are anything less than a complete cow.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 11:16:14

Positive steps forward and constructive advice are to help yourself and your DC.

You can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. But you can and should look after yourself (and DC).

I hope you do, because you deserve to a better life, and only you can take the positive steps towards that life.

Any positive steps your husband wants to take, he will have to choose and take himself.

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 11:16:21

Abusive people cycle between nice & nasty to keep you hooked.

What is he doing to help himself? What stops you making the appointment with the GP?

You can only go on making excuses for him for so long.

Like others have said, does he behave like this with other people?
I would suspect the answer is no.
Because if he abused people on the street, his co workers, his boss, there would be consequences. If he does it to you, there are none, just you saying "oh the poor man, he cannot help it"

Clearly he can control his behaviour.

If you were to present him with an appointment to see a counsellor, do you think it would help?
He can only accept help once he has accepted that his behaviour towards you is entirely his own decision and once he has decided he needs to ask for help to achieve that.

What motivation is there for him at the moment to ask for help?

His behaviour seems to be affecting yours and your DCs day to day life, happiness, well being. Not his.

dequoisagitil Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:32

You're bound to get strong responses, OP, because of what you say about the way he treats your dc. This is a parents' board, after all.

pictish Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:35

What abbie said.

I know you don't want to hear the truth OP, and I'm sorry it is making you cross...but your husband IS a bastard, and it's not for you to sort out. It's his problem.

In the meantime he is subjecting your children to fear and abuse.

Of course he's nice sometimes. ALL abusers are nice at least half of, if not most of the time. They'd never get anyone to stay with them if they weren't, would they? It wouldn't be at all beneficial for him to be horrible ALL the time, or you would leave.
He needs to keep you there hoping for better times, and striving to make those times a reality, otherwise he'd be all alone with no-one to bully. Poor him.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 03-Jan-13 11:18:39

Were you the only one who took marriage vows though?

Or were his different to yours? Did he promise to:

call you a stupid woman, an idiot or tells me to shut up on an almost daily basis

make sure that you were never allowed to go to the supermarket on your own

never do any activities with your children - colouring, painting, baking, going on a walk, taking them to a club etc

shout so often about putting DCs in bed when they are naughty that your DS says "but I haven't been naughty" and cries

quiz you on what you have spent money on?

By the way, I'm not calling him a bastard. These are things that you've said he does. I'm just asking if you think it's good enough for you and your children?

Agree with pictish of course he can control himself. Do you think he's this abusive to his boss (or clients)? He'd have lost his job ages ago already. He's only doing this to you because you are a punching bag. In your relationship, you are in a inferior position. If I'm honest, you are lower than his employee (if he's the boss) and subordinates. If they are putting up with it, then they'll be looking for a new job right now.

KittyBreadfan Thu 03-Jan-13 11:20:21

Ok so you don't want complete strangers to tell you the obvious, that your husband is a controlling, abusive arsehole. But you want those same complete strangers to give you ways of dealing with his alleged depression.

How about Google? Should be easy enough, and without pesky people trying to help you and your children smile

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 11:22:22

abbie is not a cow. She understands how being raised in an abusive household affects children.

It really is that bad, Lucy.

Conflugenglugen Thu 03-Jan-13 11:22:54

LucyLego - I am a counsellor and training psychotherapist, and I am advising you (something I wouldn't do with a client because the nature of the work is different) to leave him. He is abusive.

pictish Thu 03-Jan-13 11:24:12

Don't call abbie a cow because you can't handle the truth. You know she's right, and you can't handle it. That's not her fault. No need.

LucyLego Thu 03-Jan-13 11:24:40

Have made an appointment with GP for next week and will go with him. Please don't post anymore unless you have encouragement. I could have worked out the "leave him" idea for myself. For the record he isn't aggressive towards our children but short tempered when they are naughty.

KittyBreadfan Thu 03-Jan-13 11:24:44

BTW I've been in almost exactly the same position you are in now. Been away from it for about 5 years and my life, and my child's life, have both been improved considerably. It took me a long time to get past the feeling of not wanting to break up a family or walk out on a marriage, but I needed to.

If you want help you need to make clear what you're asking for, telling people that your husband basically treats you and your children like shit but you don't want to leave him because of wedding vows is never going to go down well.

LucyLego Thu 03-Jan-13 11:26:01

A counsellor worth their salt wouldn't do that.

pictish Thu 03-Jan-13 11:26:18

'Very short tempered' IS being aggressive!!

Does he shout at them far too quickly, and seem overly angry over small things?
You know he does. That's being aggressive.

CheCazzo Thu 03-Jan-13 11:26:19

You don't want help or advice. You want to be told it's all ok, it's just a phase, he doesn't mean it and pretty soon it'll all be sunshine, rainbows and bunny wabbits. You're in the wrong place luv. All you'll get here is practical advice, the benefit of years of experience (most of it hard gained) and support when you decide to liberate yourself and your poor children from the daily onslaught of abuse.
Right now, and until you listen up, you are complicit in that abuse.

KittyBreadfan Thu 03-Jan-13 11:27:20

BTW I've been in almost exactly the same position you are in now. Been away from it for about 5 years and my life, and my child's life, have both been improved considerably. It took me a long time to get past the feeling of not wanting to break up a family or walk out on a marriage, but I needed to.

If you want help you need to make clear what you're asking for, telling people that your husband basically treats you and your children like shit but you don't want to leave him because of wedding vows is never going to go down well.

WeeWeeWeeAllTheWayHome Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:03

What will you tell the GP? Everything you wrote in your first post?

KittyBreadfan Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:43

Posted twice by accident, bloody phone. You sound just as charming as your husband.

HotDAMNlifeisgood Thu 03-Jan-13 11:28:47

Everybody has a "rough ride" of it sometimes. It's called life.

How we choose to behave is what determines our character.

pictish Thu 03-Jan-13 11:30:43

OP if you just want to clap your hands over your ears and go lalalalalalalalalala while he treats you like shite, that's up to you...but their are children in this situation and they are taking in everything they see, and everything they hear, to use for themselves later in life.

They will grow up to expect abusive behaviour...either accepting it or dishing it out.

So long as you stick to your vows though eh? Because that's the most important thing.

aufaniae Thu 03-Jan-13 11:31:11

You are part of the problem here as you love him unconditionally. I used to think this was a positive quality. However when you are faced with someone who is abusive (as your DH is), it's actually a very dangerous thing to do.

He is treating you and your DCs in a way which is inexcusable.

He may be able to recover with counselling, but that's not going to happen while you're still there, making excuses for him and enabling this behaviour.

I know it's hard advice to take, but you really need to get your DCs away from him as he's damaging them.

It is not going against your marriage vows to get your DCs and yourself away, to a place of safety, where they can be free from abuse.

His best chance for helping himself is to do it on his own IMO. He is an abuser, and you will never be able to get through to him on how he should treat you. He's going to need some pretty life changing events to reconsider the way he is, and most abusers don't change. You can hang on as long as you like to your marriage vows, but love won't cure him I'm afraid.

It took me many years to realise this, but I didn't have mumsnet then!

The people here may be giving what sounds like harsh advice, but many of us have been there, and we are trying to help, honest!

I would urge you to get yourself a late Christmas present of this book, you will probably find your H in it.

FiercePanda Thu 03-Jan-13 11:32:23

He is emotionally abusing your children, and yet you're sat with rose-tinted glasses on asking for advice on how to fix him...?

Your priorities are shot to shit. Stop putting your abusive husband first, start thinking about your DC's wellbeing.

I have depression, been on ADs for nearly two years, and I've managed to not scream abuse at my partner or make my DS think bedtime equals punishment. Your husband's depression isn't making him abusive - he's abusive because he chooses to be. Open your eyes.

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