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I am obsessed with the loss of a close friendship.

(100 Posts)
Oblomov Tue 06-Nov-12 07:57:15

I posted on another thread, last week or so.
mypost
My post is the long one, about 5 from the top.

I just wanted to add, something to that other post.
Reading it back, it sounds very full on. But it wasn't really like that. Our friendship peaked and troughed, like anyother. Sometimes we saw alot of eachother, sometimes we didn't see eachother for ages. Pretty normal, I assume. I work 3 days a week. She was the class rep and knew lots of people, was very chatty. Which I encouraged her to take the class rep position. And was never jealous of that aspect. Our freindship sounds very full on, but actually over the course of 4 years, it wasn't that full on. I work, she didn't. Some weeks, I didn't see her at all. I chatted to other people in the playground, on the days when I did actually do pick up (not working). and then we would see eachother, realise we hadn't spoken for 1/2/3 weeks and come round to each others houses for a coffee and a catch up.

I was talking to my best freind about this last night.
The atmosphere in the playground is so icy. barely civil. I sit at work, 15 minutes before having to go to pick up, dreading going. Come on, thats not good. And about once every week or 2 weeks, I still have a little sob about it all. When you write that down, it sounds so pathetic.

I am so angry with myself. Why can't I get over this? I want to hit myself with a large slap and shout 'stop being such a wimp, you idiot'. But I still get upset by what has happened. Miss her. Worry about what I am going to do about about ds1's birthday party. I should invite her ds. He is still my ds's best friend. But she was also very very rude and offensive about my dh, that my dh has no time for her.

Why am I letting her get to me? What is wrong with me? Why can't i get over this?

Please could you give me a hard slap. wink
Or atleast give some sensible advice, with practical steps as to how to stop this hurting so much, how to be tougher on myself.

Oblomov Wed 06-Feb-13 17:58:59

Thank you for all the recent posts.
I h ave been doing alot of thinking in the last few days. About being such a people pleaser and on why I valued her disproportionally.
I do agree with nearly all the comments, on the thread. Thank you to everyone who posted. You have given me alot of perspective and alot of food for thought, and so I sincerely thank you. Very much. smile

IWantToRideMybike Wed 06-Feb-13 06:10:20

I just read the entire thread. I just wanted to say you're not alone Oblomov. Don't beat yourself up too much because there are others e.g. me who also find it hard to get over a friendship. It's been 3 years since I was dumped suddenly by my best friend. She refused to reply to my texts, calls, emails. I apologized yet I didn't know what I was apologizing for!

On hindsight, ex best friend made a new set of friends and was slowly distancing herself so that was my answer right there. I just didn't fit into her new lifestyle. I am ok with that but I just wish she'd had the guts to tell me in person. Some songs, places etc remind me of her, but I have a tried-and-tested mantra that makes it all go away and this mantra my recommendation to you: "you can't live inside my head rent free, bitch". It usually works!

IDreamedADreamOfSausageRolls Fri 01-Feb-13 19:31:28

Thank you for clarifying about your DS, Oblomov. I know what you mean when you say he can talk like a little old man at times!

Regarding the rest of it. I don't have anything to add to my earlier post. I'm sorry you found it harsh but I do think you have lost perspective on this. I hope things get easier for you thanks

Laura0806 Wed 30-Jan-13 22:33:55

oooh lalalonglegs youve def hit the nail on the head with me and I suspect the OP. I dont have low self esteem but my firend gave me a new lease of life ( lots of friends I dont click with, not so good marriage). When she ditched me it was like I lost that new lease of life and realised I had put such a lot into that one person. ANyway, dont want to hijack the thread but you certainly were spot on with me and I think your advice to the OP is great. Lets put on the painted smiles ( v v hard) but a lesson we have to learn!!!

lalalonglegs Wed 30-Jan-13 20:20:41

Oooh, Oblomov, I've read the whole thread and I get the impression that there are all sorts of other issues at play here: I feel that you have quite low self-esteem and this woman made you feel a lot more confident - and now that she has dumped you (in a pretty vicious way), you've not only lost a person you cared about but a new lease of life.

She isn't the person you believed her to be. Things will get better, she will get bored of being unpleasant if you keep neutral and unresponsive to it. Lots of deep breaths and painted on smiles. Don't expect the worst at the school gate and see if you can pick up any new friends to help you through the awkward bits. Good luck smile

Branleuse Wed 30-Jan-13 19:58:53

i got dumped by a best friend and i felt like id been dumped by a boyfriend. It hurts.

stubbornstains Wed 30-Jan-13 19:49:07

stubbornstains :"whole heart-pounding anxiety that you yourself suffer in socially difficult situations", do you mena the fatc thta i gett he feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about the icy atmosphere i am about to endure, at pick up?

Yes, that's exactly it. Sorry, I was having real difficulty finding the words to express myself in that last post.

I guess it would be what CBT practitioners would call "hot thoughts", wouldn't it? One example that I've had would be someone who was once a v.close friend, who let me down very badly, and whom I realise did not regard me with the same closeness as I did her. Sometimes when I think about her I get disproportionately angry, but I just remember: "distance yourself...stay calm.....calm...friendly but not close". I try to stay as dispassionate as possible, and keep telling myself that she's not necessarily a bad person, just bad for me, if that makes any sense.

PotionMaker Wed 30-Jan-13 17:21:15

Lovely to see you listing your good points Oblomov, and sounding positive about it. I didn't mean to be harsh, perhaps I'm giving you advice that I'm really giving to myself IYSWIM? What a shame things went so wrong. I wonder if there's a part of you that just couldn't help having another go because you feel so wronged - if that's the case then writing it all out, the whole rant that you would like to have at her, and then burning it, could be really cathartic. You sound like you have some stuff raging inside, and it always helps to get it out in a safe way.

And I think you're right, you simply need to start afresh with a more positive attitude at the school gates, be civil and polite, don't worry about next year's party, that's a long way off. Keep play dates to other friends for now and give yourself time to breathe a bit. Things will get easier. In the meantime I do think a ritual of closure of some kind would help you tell your subconscious that you've had enough and are ready to move on now. Good luck. It WILL get better!

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 16:42:50

I will text and nothing else. Just send invite next year, nothing more.
Agreed, playdates are more difficult. He has 4 other friends. I will just invite those.

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 16:40:59

Beryl: I will try and not think about it/her. How can I not invite her ds?
Green: sorry you and your dh had similar.
Potion : I hear what you are saying. See my post above re, thinking i was doing the right thing, but getting it so very wrong.
Thanks Chip and Laura.
Lizza and Miggsie, I have already had CBT and was told I was neither anxious nor depressed. In fact I was also assessed by the top Clinical Pyschatrist at Kings College Hospital, in relation to how my diabetes affected me, my life etc, and her report said I showed esteem and not anxiety or depression. But that I had trouble coping with current issues, my sons diagnossi (have you ever been on the sn section, do you know that some people struggle for more than 2 years , like me to get a diagnosis for my son. I felt she was extremely dismissive).
So no, I know i am not unloveable. I still don't beleive I have esteem issues. Unless I am in total denial. I know I have faults, but i know I make a great friend, loyal, and I have confidence in my skills and personality, and i know above all, that I am a good person, extremely honourable and try to treat others .... do you want me to go on listing my good qualiteis? wink Because i can.

Laura0806 Wed 30-Jan-13 16:34:08

just invite the little boy, via normal invite with everyone else to next years party. If she says no she says no and you can tell your little boy that sadly he cant make it. I just sent invites to my friends sons and she had the cheek not to reply but then send them with their dad! Just treat your son like a normal child. I suspect that by the time next years birthday comes round she will send him but just send the invites out like everyone elses. Playdates are trickier , I would just encourage him to invite other people , children can often be distracted, well certainly my ds is

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 16:27:01

"Do you want her friendship back or to punish her?" Neither. I did not want her friendship back. And I certainly didn't want to punish her. I just wanted us to be civil and pleasant and for our boys to carry on being best friends. I only apologised to her thinking that it would make the icy situation a bit better. That was my only reason. Honestly. But all I did was make a hash of it and make it all worse. sad
My ds is insistent that her ds is his best friend and he was the first person that my son said he wanted to come to his 'party'.
I am unable to say anything about this to ds. What could you possibly say? And if he keeps asking and i just ignore his requests, don't you think that in the end he's going to say "mum, why can't x come round anymore".
What do all suggest I do next year for ds's birthday? How could you possibly explain to a little boy that he can't have his best friend to his party?
It's impossible.

BerylStreep Wed 30-Jan-13 15:53:42

Oblomov, I have only just come across your thread.

I just wanted to say it sounds crappy for you. I don't know how you are going to move on from this, but you have to for your own sake.

To be quite honest, your former friend sounds a bit scummy by the way she acted. I wouldn't want a friend like that. I wouldn't bother inviting her to things again, nor would I invite her DS.

Can you maybe try to reward yourself for not thinking about this for say, a whole day, then a whole weekend, and so on?

greencolorpack Wed 30-Jan-13 14:46:52

I can relate Oblomov, I really liked both members of a couple at the school gate but they were insincere types and the guy started blanking me, and it's seven years ago and hundreds of miles away but it still hurts, I still have to block them on Facebook to stop myself looking at their lived and feeling bitter about the friendship going wrong!

Also my dh is heartbroken about a good colleague/friend of his who doesn't return his calls any more, it's a mystery why and it's eating him up, to the extent I want to see this woman and give her a good slap for not being a good friend.

Just a shame society only has certain proscribed relationships you're supposed to obsess over, usually sexual ones. But the heart loves who it loves, it's not about sex.

Sorry you broke your heart over your friend,... Just think you are better off without her if she's a screaming effing and blinding harridan when crossed, that would be off putting for anyone. Think how you save yourself from dealing with her further tirades by not being friends any more. Silver lining and all.

PotionMaker Wed 30-Jan-13 14:35:22

Oblomov, it was me on the previous thread who recommended wrapping it a blanket and throwing it all in a lake or similar kind of visualisation - I really think it could help you to do something like this or as someone up thread suggested, some meditation exercises.

I also suggested apologising, which I now feel a bit guilty about as things haven't turned out well. However I do agree that your (ex) friend seemed to have started being civil again and that when you apologised to her (from what you say) it seems as if you took the opportunity to stick the boot in again and dredge up the past things that she did to upset you in the first place. Surely the point of an apology was to wipe the slate clean, not drag things up again? She must feel that you just can't leave it alone and won't let it lie. That's probably why she thinks things would get nasty again if she / her son got close to you / your son again, and has now decided to cut you off again. This may sound harsh but from an objective viewpoint you can hardly blame her. You're never going to get an apology from her, and things are never going to go back to the way they were, so the more you do to try and get her to apologise or admit fault is only making things even worse.

You seem to be finding it very hard to let go two things - firstly the friendship and secondly the wrong that she did to you. Do you want her friendship back or to punish her? You can't have both! These are two separate things and maybe you need to deal with them separately? I do think counselling / CBT / coaching or something like that would really help you get not just some perspective but also some practical positive advice and actions you can take to move forwards. I think you need to draw a line under it, and get some help in rl, so that you can get some support to move on. The more energy you put into this the more you're stirring up. You need to put your energy into something else, enjoy the fact that you have other friends and accept that this friendship is over. Sorry if that's harsh, but whether it's her 'fault' or yours, that's just the way it is. You need to learn from this and don't repeat the same mistakes again. And make sure you're kind to yourself while you do it wink It's a horrible situation and must be so draining. Look after yourself, and use your 40th birthday as a chance to make a fresh start, eh? x

chipmonkey Wed 30-Jan-13 13:30:46

Oblomov, you ARE better than this! smile
The fact that she's fallen out with you, well, given what she sounds like, it was going to happen sooner or later. I had a friend once who would be friends with a person for a while, then all of a sudden she would fall out with them and REALLY fall out. After I saw it happen with a few of her friends, I eventually backed away and distanced myself because I could see a pattern. This won't be the first time this has happened with your friend, there will have been other victims along the way.
It's not you, really it isn't.
And the person you miss, that's the person she appeared to be. Unfortunately it's not who she actually is. That's the facade she puts up to get people to like her, far different from the screaming harridan she really is.

Laura0806 Wed 30-Jan-13 11:16:18

Hope you feel better after you have logged out. Dont be harsh on yourself. I agree, as you do, that you have to move on but it is very very hard when your lives are so entwined via the school. The problem with my friend started last sept/october and I still spend a lot of time thinking about as its very hard to draw a line under it when I see her at least twice a day at school pick ups and frineds invite us to the same events. She hurt me badly but like you I have to think about why I let a friend be able to hurt me so badly, why did I let her get so close maybe at the expense of making other friends. I think like you I always have quite intense close frienships and thats just the kind of person I am ,although I do have many other, less close friendships. My advice is just to get out there and make other friends but be more discerning , When I look back I can see signs that my exfriend wasn't maybe as nice as I thought ( comments she made, loooks she gave) and I would just try to make a wider network of friends and not focus on one/two people. ALso as another frined says, it is her loss really not yours. I knwo that I would have done anything for my friend , was very fond of her children and would always support her unconditionally. I doubt she has many other people who would do that for her. Take the assets you bring to friendships and find ther people to share them with. Put on a mask when you see this friend, be smiley, polite but keep your distant and dont bring anything up with her again.

Lizzabadger Wed 30-Jan-13 11:03:29

It does sound as though what happened with your friend has activated a negative core belief you hold (this might be something like "I am unloveable"). Even though you say your self-esteem is generally good I wonder if you suffer from latent low self-esteem which is activated by incidents such as this. You might find it helpful to read "Overcoming low self-esteem" by Melanie Fennell (?I think) and to consider some CBT addressing this specifically.
Good luck.

Miggsie Wed 30-Jan-13 10:53:17

This sounds like a childish spat between two boys that has escalated into a war by your "friend's" actions.

You need to let go (easier said than done). Her actions are totally disproportionate to what happened. You can't fix that.

You need to mourn for the passing of the relationship you thought you had and find new stuff to do.

Don't blame yourself, I have limited social skills as well, but I don't think anyone could rectify your friend's response or behaviours.

You can't fix your friend.

If you are having trouble reconciling your negative feelings (anxiety etc) you might like to try meditation exercises. You can get CDs and things off Amazon - they help you calm down. They may also help your son - my hyper daughter now has a meditation CD (they do them for children) which she does each night - it has helped her be less scatty and intense.

You may also benefit from Music Therapy as well as CBT. It is very calming.

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 10:42:24

I know Chip. Tell herself "I know this. I knwo this. I am so better than this"
Mantra. Mantra.

I am just going to log off for a bit. Think about what you have all said.

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 10:36:53

Antrobus, I was having CBT, at the time this hapepned. The reason I was having CBT was becasue my diabetes(which I have had since aged 1) has become so brittle, so hard to manage, that I am having regular hypos, permanently tired. My diabetic consultant & I have tried everyhting, over the last 10 years. She now knows not what to do with me.
Alongside this, with my extreme tiredness, I find my Aspergers son very hard to deal with.
My GP and my consulatnt sent me to CBT. In the end CBT dismissed me, me having gained very little from it, she basically said I coped well in difficult circumstancesand that CBT had little to offer me. She said I was neither anxious nor depressed. MY GP and my consultant agreed.
When the friend phone call hapened, the day after, was my sCBT ession. I talked about nothign else. cried. she said I was completely justified in my feelings.
She did not offer any other suggestions.

stubbornstains :"whole heart-pounding anxiety that you yourself suffer in socially difficult situations", do you mena the fatc thta i gett he feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about the icy atmosphere i am about to endure, at pick up?
I have never felt this before. I never get nervous going to a party. Even if i don't know anyone i don't mind. I'm no shrinking violet, thats for sure. I have not expereinced anxiety or nervousness before. So this is very strange for me.

chipmonkey Wed 30-Jan-13 10:36:14

Oblomov, can I just say something?
If anyone ever shouted or swore at me for any reason at all, then I would not want to be their friend. End of. Even if I get upset with someone, I don't shout or swear and I don't expect anyone else to either. I would think a person like that might explode on me at any time and life is too short to put up with people like that.
If one of my boys bullied a friend's ds, I would expect that my friends would first of all, make sure that the bullying had in fact taken place, then I would expect that she would ring me and talk calmly about it, like two adults.
She's not worth it, Oblomov, she really sound far more trouble than she's worth.

stubbornstains Wed 30-Jan-13 10:11:44

I used to be a lot like this OP. To some extent I still am. Obsessing and worrying and self-blaming about the end of friendships.

It's funny you should mention your DS having Aspergers, because I'm pretty sure I've got a touch of it myself, and a couple of bells rang there- both the way he speaks like a little adult (I used to do that!), and the whole heart-pounding anxiety that you yourself suffer in socially difficult situations. Sounds very familiar to me!

I think that the reason that these kind of issues used to affect me so much was that I took it all on board, and blamed myself. I was constantly searching for a rational answer as to why someone should behave like that to me. I also could see no resolution to a friendship dispute other than refusing to speak to them ever again, and blanking them whenever I saw them-what a waste of energy!

But I'm a lot better at dealing with this kind of thing nowadays. I have just cultivated an attitude of indifference. Sometimes I literally visualise a wall between me and the difficult person- we are no longer connected, we are distanced.

Every time a friend does something I find distressing, I constantly remind myself not to take it personally, that people just are like that.

And, now that I have been able to distance myself more from these upsetting situations, it has become easier to maintain the pleasant yet formal relationships that we need to cultivate in this kind of situation- where we will still constantly be bumping into the ex-friend, and need to "get on" on a superficial level.

MarjorieAntrobus Wed 30-Jan-13 10:05:06

Is it worth, perhaps, paying for some sessions with a counsellor to try to work through why the ending of this friendship is affecting you so badly? Clearly you do have friends from different areas of your life. Your birthday dinner illustrates that. Yet this poisoned friendship with this volatile woman has affected you quite deeply.

It's all very well for people like me to tell you to let it go. Clearly it isn't easy for you to do that. You say that you will try and work on it (the letting go) but actually "letting go" only requires detachment, not "work".

Do you feel a loyalty to this friendship? As if you should get to the bottom of the conflict in order either to understand the reasons, or to repair the damage? Or do you feel angry and want to put her right? Or hurt, and want her to be contrite?

I don't know where I am going with those questions, by the way! Maybe just offering you some suggestions to understand why it goes so deep.

Oblomov Wed 30-Jan-13 09:42:06

Floaty, it was this thread, back in October, that suggested i apologise to her.
I only did what the thread , back in October had suggested.

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