Is it worth breaking up my family?

[InelegantlyWasted]

DP went out yesterday, as he does most weekends. He was drinking heavily most of the day. He came home at about 2am. He made a lot of noise, crashing about and falling over. This woke up our DS, and I went into his bed to sleep with him for reassurance.
At about 3.30am DP started making more noise, staggering about, going to the loo, being sick, turning lights on and off etc.
When DS and I got up at 7am he had gone to bed. There was vomit all over the armchair and the floor in the front room, more in the bathroom and a massive pile of it on our bedroom floor.
I cleaned up in the front room and the bathroom, the smell in the bedroom was so awful I couldn't bear it. DP was fast asleep.
I couldn't wake him before I had to go to work this afternoon and TBH I wasn't happy leaving a four year old with someone in that kind of state. I managed to get MIL to have DS so he could sleep it off.
I got home tonight and it's as if nothing had happened. A cursory attempt has been made to clean up the sick in the bedroom but there is a horrible stain. No apology, no explanation, no thanks for finding a babysitter. And there's a half eaten Chinese takeaway just left all over the kitchen.
I could cry, I really could. This isn't a one off either, he drinks himself into oblivion most weekends. I just want him to leave, but I don't know how to tell him. What a mess.

[BlackberryIce]

Your family is already 'broken up' by the sound of it. Sounds horrific

[squeakytoy]

If it was a one off, it would be different, but if he does this weekly, then it is time to say "grow up, treat me with some respect, or fuck off".. and mean it.

If he is out late again, double lock the door and leave him a bag of clothes on the step.

Or leave him.

Empty threats are no good, unless he sees you are serious, he will carry on like this.

[InelegantlyWasted]

He is in his mid-thirties. MIL says she doesn't know how I put up with him. She is always helpful and supportive to me when these things happen because she feels guilty that her son behaves in this way.
I should have left him years ago. I nearly did but then he talked me into staying. Then I found out I was pregnant and I hoped things would get better.
Our lives are just so intertwined. The actual practicalities of splitting up fills me with dread. And I feel so bad for our son. He probably thinks its normal for dads to puke up all over the house or wet the bed and then spend all day Sunday asleep.

[tribpot]

Time for you to improve your ds' expectations of family life.

[ImperialBlether]

What do you get out of this awful relationship?

Even his own mother wouldn't go out with him!

Think practically - what difference would it make if you two were to part?

[InelegantlyWasted]

Thanks Imperial, the comment about his mum not wanting to go out with him made me chuckle!
What do I get out of it? Free childcare while I'm at work. I honestly can't think of anything else. Sometimes he cooks a nice meal for us and he often does the supermarket shop because I don't like going to the supermarket. God this is desperate isn't it?
On the whole he is a good dad, DS loves him a lot.
I worry about how I would manage financially without him. I wouldn't be able to work full time anymore. I worry about how he will react when I tell him I don't want us to live together anymore. What if he refuses to leave? What if he takes DS away?

[tuckingfits]

oh you poor girl. You shouldn't have to put up with that. Your son shouldn't have to grow up with that as male role model. I know it's hard because you have a long history & lives are entwined but you would be so much better off out of this situation/relationship.

What does he say if you challenge him? If you were to kick him out (not let him in after his next bender) what reaction do you think you'd get? Such an awful position for you to be in. Would his mother be much help in talking to him or supporting you if you did tell him to leave?

[tuckingfits]

internet shopping delivered.to your home solves one portion of your reason for keeping it going...

[solidgoldbrass]

You need to get rid of him. It won't be as hard as you think, and TBH he's obviously got a drink problem, and these things always get worse, not better.
You don't mention violence or aggression from him but even if he's not an angry drunk, he's still a danger to you and DC. If he's bashing around the house spewing everywhere he could fall over on to a small child, or start a fire trying to cook himself chips late at night or something. Or he may become aggressive - if there's no more money to buy alcohol, or if you or DC criticise him when he's drunk.
Depending who owns the house or what the tenancy agreement is like, work out whether it would be easier to take DC and leave, or put him out of the house. Consult a solicitor or CAB, and then sit him down and tell him what's going to happen. Remember you don't need his permission or his agreement, but if your best option is to make him leave and you think he won't go willingly, you can ask for police assistance to remove him, particularly if he's likely to become violent.

You can control contact/access to your son to the extent that you insist on it being supervised or that he remains sober during contact and that contact will be cancelled if he turns up drunk.

But honestly, don't subject yourself or your son to any more of this.

[Beckamaw]

Yes.
Otherwise DS is going to grow up thinking that this kind of behaviour is acceptable and normal.
And it isn't.

[solidgoldbrass]

X-poost with a few other people. You could probably get tax credits to help with the cost of childcare. And he can't be that much of a good dad if he spends his weekends either pissed and puking or sleeping off the booze.

[tuckingfits]

On a less flippant note,I'm not sure how it works but surely you'd be entitled to financial support from him towards childcare & if you were working full time but not.with him you might be eligible for more child tax credits. Really dont know the ins & outs but I expect people with actual experience & knowledge will be along soon.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I wouldn't be able to work full time anymore.
Many single mothers do. You can get help with childcare tax credits. And your loser H can still provide childcare even if you don't live together.

I worry about how he will react when I tell him I don't want us to live together anymore.
That's really not your problem and you shouldn't worry about it.

What if he refuses to leave?
Then you seek legal advice, or you leave. It depends whose name the house is in.

What if he takes DS away?
Seriously? He's a drunk. He wouldn't have a leg to stand on in court.

No-one deserves to be cleaning up another person's self-inflicted puke every weekend. Your son does not need to grow up believing that this is how men act.

He will still be your son't father. They will still see each other. He may even get a wake-up call and start being a decent father instead of a drunken idiot. But you will be away from his fuckwittery, and this really is the main thing.

[InelegantlyWasted]

Thanks to all for your supportive messages.
I would never lock him out or challenge his behaviour while he is drunk/drinking. He can become really nasty when he's had a drink. He's never been physically violent to me or DS but sometimes I've seen it in his eyes that it's taken all his self-control not to give me a smack. This aspect of our relationship has been a lot better since DS was born though, mainly because I've developed strategies for avoiding it. When I was on mat leave and when I was only working part time I used to take my DS to my mums every weekend to stay. Since I had to go back to work full time though this hasn't been possible so I've just avoided him when he's drinking. I'm ashamed to say I pretend I'm asleep when I'm not and sleep in with DS so I don't have to be near him.
We din't socialise as a couple anymore because I hate being around him when he's drinking and I hardly drink at all myself anymore because the smell reminds me of him.
His mum probably wouldn't talk to him about it. She's been on the sharp end of his temper more than a few times and I think she's probably a bit scared of confronting him.
Sometimes I wish I'd never met him. But then if I hadn't I wouldn't have my lovely DS. Honestly, he's the only thing that keeps me going a lot of the time.

[tribpot]

Honestly, you have no relationship with him. Time to move on.

Btw, you might find Al-Anon helpful. I think you are struggling to accept how bad his drinking problem is, because you know that if you acknowledge he really is an alcoholic you have no excuse not to put your son first and get this guy out.

[AnnieLobeseder]

You have to use strategies to avoid him physically abusing you? Run, OP, run like the wind. One day your strategies will fail.

You have absolutely nothing to lose.

[InelegantlyWasted]

Having read back all my posts just now I have the overwhelming desire to kick my own arse!
If I read someone else writing this I'd think poor stupid, weak woman.
Our house is in my name. But I don't know if I could afford the mortgage on my own. I don't know if he could afford to pay rent on a place of his own and give me money towards the mortgage. These are the practical things I worry about.
I might try and get some sleep and feel better about it in the morning.

[Nanny0gg]

Would these people helpp you?
www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

You and your DC shouldn't have to live like this.

And I'm sorry, I don't see a 'good dad' there at all.

I hope you find the help you need.

[solidgoldbrass]

See a solicitor about the practical aspects and the CAB about the mortgage. Focus on getting this man out of the house as soon as possible - he will attack you sooner or later, abusive alcoholics don't stay at a bearable level, they either get the lightning bolt moment and stop drinking or they become more abusive. And the lightning bolt may not ever happen.

[blackcurrants]

What everyone else has said, and also, he is not a good Dad. Good Dads are sober, present, engaged with their children and respectful (even if no longer loving!) to the mothers of their children.

So, so sorry OP. He is not a good Dad. He's a drunk. Get rid of him.

[mumnosGOLDisbest]

maybe he could move back in with his mum while he sorts himself out or proves he can change. that is if you want to give him a final chance which he probably doesnt deserve

[tiredofwaitingforitalltochange]

I really feel for you. Breaking up a family is really hard to do. I've got my own thread on here about my guilt in doing just that. I felt suicidal on and off for a long time because I couldn't do it, couldn't face it. You sound like you have been browbeaten into being scared of taking this step. I was too. I am not out yet, but I soon will be. I have another house to move into, and I'm getting it ready. It's not going to be easy, I have two kids and am studying full-time. Not even for a 'normal' degree. I'm doing medicine and it's bloody hard.

It IS complicated and difficult dismantling a shared life and I understand completely your anxieties about all the practical aspects. It's terrifying and feels insurmountable.

All I can tell you is that once the decision is made, and you start to take steps towards it, you start feeling better. You will realise you can make it work, because you HAVE to, for your own and your son's sake. You have no choice but to bite the bullet and you have to find the strength from somewhere. Your current situation is intolerable, and damaging you both. It's a terrible life for you and your son. And I think he WILL hit you eventually, because he is an out of control alcoholic and unless he deals with it and stops drinking. What if it happens in front of your son?

So sorry you have to deal with this and for the path ahead which will be stony for a while, and wish you luck, and strength. There are lots of people on here who can give you good practical advice x

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Hi Wasted,

re your comment:-
"What do I get out of it? Free childcare while I'm at work. I honestly can't think of anything else. Sometimes he cooks a nice meal for us and he often does the supermarket shop because I don't like going to the supermarket. God this is desperate isn't it?"

Yes this is.

"On the whole he is a good dad, DS loves him a lot".

A child loves their parents no matter how crap or abusive one of them i.e his dad happens to be. You and your son can both have a better life that the one you are currently witnessing. It does neither of you any good to be a part of all this.

But for goodness sake stop kidding yourself here re the good dad comment because he clearly is not. Women often write such comments when they themselves have NOTHING at all positive to write about their man. You have written virtually nothing positive about him have you?.

A child loves any parent no matter how abusive but becomes fearful and afraid, consumed by fear, obligation and guilt. You do not want your son growing up in such an awful environment because he will also learn from his alcoholic dad. You have also become inured and conditioned to his behaviour and enabling him as you have done (e.g clearing up after him) does you and he no favours whatsoever.

Leave him to his mother whilst you still can and get out of this toxic unhealthy relationship as soon as you are able. No obstacle is insurmountable, it is possible to get him out and no court would let him have his son because he is a drunkard. You need to be yourself brave and take the first, often the most hardest step, to get him out of your day to day lives.

His mother too is just happy she is not the one having to deal with her son at present.