Trying to find the strength to accept that it's over

[diamondsnotforever]

DH and I have been married for 10 years and we have two lovely DCs. Our marriage has been falling apart over the course of the last year, but I am finding it so hard to accept that it is over.

His approach towards me since the birth of our last child has destroyed what we had, and has left only sadness and anger. I honestly don't recognise him as the man that I married, but I just can't seem to accept that it cannot be fixed and that it won't go back to the way things were.

He has emotionally detached from me over the past twelve months, has slowly shut down all communication, will not show me any physical affection and has made baseless and ridiculous accusations (that I had an affair with our neighbour -wtf?? - and that I "deceived" him into having a second child when he knows in truth that I did no such thing).

He moved out - he said temporarily - in February, but it is becoming clear to me that really he has no intention of coming home. Despite that, and despite the fact that I don't want to be in a marriage where I feel no love or support, I have been trying everything I can to persuade him to come home. But now, I feel hopeless, and silly, and desperate to pull myself together and accept that I can't hold this together by myself. When I ask whether he wants to separate permanently, he just tells me that he doesn't know what he wants. And so I see some hope, and the cycle continues.

I am just finding it really hard. I don't know where things went so wrong. I don't know why or how this has happened. He seems fixated on the fact that it is my fault - that I have always prioritised the kids over his needs, that I don't communicate properly with him - but I really don't see how that has caused this and wish I knew just what the hell had changed in him.

[squeakytoy]

I dont like to suggest this, but is he seeing someone else? It sounds to me as though that is a possibility, and that he is hedging his bets by trying to keep you dangling on in the hope of reconciliation.

[diamondsnotforever]

I have asked him that. I got suspicious at one point, when his iPad history was always cleared, but he says that there is no-one else. Things are pretty bad, so he would tell me if there was anyone else involved. At least it would be an explanation (not a good one, granted). But he is adamant that there is not.

[Wowserz129]

Every mother makes there children a priority. Sounds like he is passing the buck too make himself feel better and not accepting fault.

I dont want too sound mean but it definetely sounds like he doesnt want to be with you. It is not good for you to be hanging on his thread.

I know it hurts and I know seperations are horrible but it is best for you and your children that you make a decision and stick to it.

If he really loved you and wanted it too work he would come home and do precisely that.

Hope you come to a decision

[AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze]

I think when you finally discover he has been transferring his affections to another party (parties?) for some time, then your brain will catch up with your heart

In the meantime, please stop begging. It demeans you, and will not work.

[AnyFuckerWillMakeDoWithBronze]

He is lying to you, love

He lies because he still wants to believe in himself as a good man, and for his public persona to be not be of a man who cheats on his family

He isn't a good man

There is someone else, and has been for some time. All the signs are there. You simply haven't found out yet.

[fortyplus]

The OW is probably also married so he's protecting her...

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I agree there is OW, sorry op

The best thing you can do is to let him go and start rebuilding your life.

Get advice from solicitor, CAB etc and find out where you stand legally and financially.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Begging will only increase his contempt for you.

Detach, detach and only communicate about child access.

[GoldenFucker]

are you ok, love ?

[chocoraisin]

I'm sorry you are going through this OP, and I'm sorry if the replies have come as a shock. I know how hard it is to confront and accept the possibility of an OW, and how unwelcome the suggestion can be (no matter whether it's likely or not, it's not nice to hear other people say it is).

In answer to your question about how to accept it, try thinking of it like this - if your relationship is going to work you need to be strong, happy and fulfilled personally. If you feel good you will be able to contribute good and positive things to the relationship. Right now you don't feel good and the constant back and forth makes it worse, so detaching is your best chance to recover that sense of happiness in yourself. Best case scenario, it reminds your DH what a sexy, strong, appealing and fun person you are and you work things out.

Worst case scenario, your fears are confirmed and he wants out permanently. But at least if you have already put effort into yourself and detaching with dignity now, you will be that bit closer to being sexy, strong, appealing and fun ready to face life on your own!

It's hard to imagine life on your own, but honestly since he moved out nearly 6 months ago you need to give yourself credit that you've been doing it for a long time and been ok. You have nothing to fear from finding out what you want for yourself, things can only improve from this stalemate. Good luck

[ErikNorseman]

One person cannot fix a marriage on their own. If the other has checked out already then you are pissing in the wind. I let stbxh do this to me, vacillate between yes and no, not sure what I want, for several weeks. Suddenly something clicked and I realised 1) why was I making it his decision? I am capable of deciding to end it just as he is and 2) I'm fighting for a relationship that is long dead. We have talked and decided to end it and I feel 100% better. Limbo land is awful. Time to catch a flight out!

[sadgitswife]

I agree with most of what has already been said. There are some men - hopefully not all - who want to keep the wife at home with the children while they go out and have their fun. You know as soon as they start closing down. The man has probably already emotionally detached himself and when the woman realises something is going on she may try to make it work but then the only way is to also emotionally detach which can take a while - for some a few months, others will take a year or two or sometimes more. Take care of yourself and your children. You may find that in the long run you will be happier, I hope so.

[sadgitswife]

forgot to say - they always want to blame someone else for their actions - you haven't done anything wrong - he was probably not fully engaged in the whole family child rearing, team work, lets make it work ethic and feels guilty for wanting and possibly doing something else, blaming you is just his way of trying to absolve himself

[diamondsnotforever]

Thanks for all your replies. I honestly has not seriously suspected that another woman was involved, but I suppose in the long run whatever the reasons I have to look after myself to look after my children. He checked out of parenthood a long time ago, found it hard from the word go, never really pulled his weight and was away at every available opportunity. Now, apparently, that is my fault for allowing him too much free rein. He only pops back on a Saturday for the day, which he wants to spend here at home, and tbh it's torture.

If I didn't have my DCs to consider, then I do think I would be better off by myself but this is not what I wanted for them and I just want to minimise the damage as much as I can.

[diamondsnotforever]

Chocoraisin thank you, what you say makes sense. Detaching from him emotionally would be a relief I think, but not been able to do it yet. Coping on my own with the DCs is second nature to me - it has always been that way pretty much - just feel confused and upset, and want to regain some equilibrium in my life without the roller coaster emotions, but, like you all all say, that might improve if I detach.

Just so hard when he is home every Saturday and I feel sad and anxious all day, and then he leaves again.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

diamonds - your home is your own sanctuary. You need to tell him to take DC out and all handovers should take place on the doorstep. This is important for your own wellbeing as well as the DC- they must get unsettled and confused when their Dad is in their home.

[GoldenFucker]

Tell him the Saturdays must be spent away from your home, your sanctuary

You are being too accomodating, at your own expense

He chose to opt out of family life, now he is McDonald's Daddy

This is not me being vindictive AnyFucker. This is what you must do to protect yourself. He made his choices, now you have to protect yourself.

Doorstep handovers and all arrangements made by impersonal text

Every single thread you will read on this subject will confirm this

It will help you, I promise

[GoldenFucker]

He sounds like a cruel and horrible man, OP (OW issues notwithstanding)

Get him off that pedestal you had him on, as soon as possible

[Angelico]

Diamonds agree with others - you are living at home, he needs to take the kids out and away. At the minute he has the best of all worlds - lives like a single guy all week, comes back to a comfortable home to see kids with you there in the background so he gets to play 'happy families' for the day. He needs to understand the reality of what he is doing - he is destroying his family life and he needs to live with the consequences.

You need to start taking care of yourself FOR YOURSELF. Accept that your marriage is over and detach. If the time should come that he decides he wants back - he needs to earn you back. He can't get away with behaving like this. Time for you to start thinking about your needs and your life, not just the DC. It will get easier but your first step is definitely getting him to take the DC out for his contact - let them go to whevere he is living. That will be the first step in his wakeup call.

Sorry you are going through this - lots of people on MN to hold your hand through it all

[diamondsnotforever]

Thank you so much for replying. It really is helping to unload all of this. Having him take the DCs out for contact would make Saturdays more bearable, but he won't like it as he has never really had them by himself for long. But when he is at home it is truly horrible and very upsetting.

Can't believe what a pushover I sound. Really, I am a confident woman and mother, I suppose I just have a lot on my plate.

I haven't told the DCs that we are separated - they think he is working away (which he did regularly anyway) and they are totally adjusted to not having him here.

I need to tell them, though, don't I? What do I say though? I don't want to make it into a massive, wrenching deal for them, but I guess I need to explain a bit. Especially if Saturdays are changing for them.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Saturdays MUST change - no ifs please.

He has been a twat and he will continue to take the piss if you allow him to use your home. You need space and time to yourself anyway. It will do his relationship with his kids good if he gets used to being more involved with them.

Tell the DC the basics - Mum and Dad do not live together anymore and he has his own place, still loves his DC etc.

[GoldenFucker]

who cares what he "likes" or not

has he always beein in charge of your family
?

he opted out of your family, now you are in charge

stand up for yourself, no ifs and no buts

re. telling the children

you do it together, do not let him off the hook here

you tell them that mummy and daddy aren't getting on and daddy has moved out

that is all they need to know for now

[GoldenFucker]

love, never mind what a strong and independent woman you "usually" are

this crap has laid you low

for a while you haven't known your arse from your elbow

but you will

when you decide to stop dancing to his tune, you will get your "self" back

yes, you will

[DippyDoohdah]

Diamonds, lots of similarities to how me and my dcs have been living for last year or two. Totally understand your wanting it to be different for the children, but having him there a day a week is no compromise on a real family environment, and he has made it clear he is not into that.you can give a better family environment alone, and who knows maybe he will come into his own as a part time dad and they will define a different kind of relationship..or not. What struck me is that the way we live our lives, and allow ourselves to be treated, is direct modelling to our dcs of how they should treat their future partners and family..we are creating their baseline and their experience of normality...I am strong like you, but these kind of marriages drain your resources, but they are still within you :-)