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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

What a fine mess I have got myself into!

55 replies

sadwidow28 · 29/07/2012 23:51

My next door neighbour (2 children aged 2 and 4) has been suffering from a DV relationship for at least a year. She finally broke down in the back garden tonight and told her family who are over from M

They wouldn't believe her so she cried on my shoulder over the garden fence and I asked if I could go round and support her. She welcomed me in - as did her family (who I have met socially).

The husband has called me a "witch" and told the family that I have 'no life so I have to interfere with theirs'. The family couldn't control his violence and had to hold him back as he tried to attack me.

The wife has admitted to the family that he punches her - but is denying that he smacks the children and is trying to 'make light' of putting a 4 year old child in the back garden at 10.50pm when she doesn't eat her tea. The police attended the home last year when the wife reported the husband.

I took some responsibility on last August with SS and said that I would always know when to make the phone call. I hear lots of things even though I don't want to hear them.

I will lose a neighbour over this - but I am convinced that this man is out of control. Tomorrow I will have to phone SS. I think she is safe for tonight because she has family staying.

What a mess!!!!!

OP posts:

Report

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 00:03

Are you saying that your neighbour had to be restrained by his dw's family from attacking you tonight?

If so, call the police and report him for threatening behaviour otherwise he's likely to make you the focus of his ire when SS become involved again.

lisad123 · 30/07/2012 00:06

Why haven't you called the police previously? Abuse is everyone's problem

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:09

I am very sorry for your trouble. Why didn't you report this man to the police ? You (and your neighbour) are not safe in your home. You really must make a report of his violence, it will help her case later on if she leaves him. And if she stays with him (which is very possible) you can get a restraining order against him, which you may well need if she takes his side against you

It's a fucking minefield. You are doing the right thing, but you must protect your own family, love.

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 00:13

I have phoned the police and reported the incident. they will attend tonight if there is an officer in the area.

There is no way that the chidren are safe whilst the husband is in this mood!

I will have to get out of my home now because he has threatened to kill me!

lisad - I know that abuse is everyone's problem! Why do you think I am in this situation!!!!!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:14

well done, you are doing what you can, love

lisad123 · 30/07/2012 00:15

It wasn't clear from your OP if you have reported this before, or just been aware of it happening and doing nothing. Sadly happens often

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 00:17

I am just packing some bags to get out of my house .... it will take me 15 minutes or so. (I have a holiday home 40 minutes away and I can go there.)

What a mess! I don't even live with this violent man and I am running scared!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 00:18

I am going now..... I am not even packing!

I have labdline at holiday home - catch me when you can!

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:18

this is shit

do SS have your contact details or will you call them from where you are going ?

do you have dc and are they safe ?

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:19

take care of yourself first and foremost x

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 00:42

Jeez, honey, you don't need this just after your lovely narrowboat holiday!

When you get to your holiday home make contact with your local police and tell them you've had to leave your house because of the fear that he'll start targetting you if SS become involved again.

What you don't want is your local police calling round in the early hours and breaking in when you fail to answer the door!

There's always so much to do when you're trying to help someone who's suffering dv while having to keep your back covered at all times.

I sincerely hope that the neighbour you lose is him... and that he gets lost quickly.

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 00:46

Unfortunately sw's only got herself and her dog to worry about, AF, but fortunately there's always going to be someone around here to hold her hand and provide support 24/7.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2012 00:47

that's what we are here for

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 00:50

He tried to attack you and had to be restrained by his family members and has made threats to kill you, but the police response is to send an officer round if there happens to be one in the area tonight?

Did you dial 999 to report him or did you ring the police non-emergency number?

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 00:52

Aye, aye, Cap'n AF...

Welcome back, sir

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 01:38

I have arrived at holiday home safely! My dog is with me.

(Foryunately LN was taken home last night so he didn't witness the debacle.)

I had to drop my bag on the drive because male neighbour came out and lunged for me so I just got the dog and myself in the car and drove.....

Honestly, I am okay. Very shakey - but I am strong and okay.

I have spoken to the police again and they have no record of my phone call. I have been given a new incident number.

I think I might have to kick some butt tomorrow!

Oh goodness, I am now really shaking..... I think I have to walk around and do deep breaths!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 01:39

Izzy, I dialled 101 to report an incident.

I needed it recording for when I phone SS tomorrow.

OP posts:

ladyWordy · 30/07/2012 01:45

glad you're safe sad
Though hopping mad on your behalf..

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 01:45

Izzy, some advice please .......

Should I now tell Chester police that I am here and have had to run out of my house? Or should I leave it to Greater Manchester?

I am okay on the Social Service situation - I'll be on the phone at 9am tomorrow and I know the names I have to get.

I can also phone the top person in NSPCC because they were involved in July 2011.

The little ones will be okay tonight because there are loads of family members (and female neighbour's parents are staying in the house).

She finally opened up and told them about her domestic violence and this lot 'kicked off'!

OP posts:

SammyB30 · 30/07/2012 01:53

Hi, just wanted to offer some advice on a policey perspective - if you report a person at immediate risk - I.e your neighbour and her children this should be done with a 999 call. Even if the police don't arrest anyone they are likely to insist the husband stays elsewhere for the night. As a matter of policy they should also take the children's details as they have 'come to notice' and a report goes in to social services automatically. Hard for me to comment as each force is different but that is generally the way it should work.

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 02:02

Make contact with whatever regional police authority told you that they would send an officer round if they could be arsed and let them know why you won't be at home in the unlikely event that they call at your address - i.e. that you felt it was expedient for you to leave your home as, from his earlier behaviour you had reason to believe that he posed a danger to you tonight and, given the likely intervention by SS, will continue to do so.

FWIW, I suggest you don't inform the police that you have a permanent bolthole as that may encourage them to believe that they can get away with doing sod-all to protect you/warn him off.

There's nothing to be gained in contacting your current regional police authority unless you have reason to believe that he's followed you or has your holiday home address but that's something that can be considered either later today or as and when necessary.

izzyizin · 30/07/2012 02:05

As you now know for the future, 999 is the way to go when reporting incidents of this nature.

Had you dialled the emergency service it's probable the police would have responded within minutes and taken appropriate action that would have resulted in you feeling safe to remain in your home.

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 02:09

Backstory:

Last year (July 2011) the male neighbour put a 4 year old DD out in the back garden because she would not eat. I heard him shout, "You are not allowed to come home until you have eaten. You have no home!"

At 10.00pm I offered to take the little child into my house - not allowed because she had to be punished! At 10.50pm I gave the Dad 2 minutes to get her into the warm and out of the dark otherwise I was phoning SS.

"You don't understand what a willful child she is and how she refuses to eat", said the Dad. "And I certainly don't appreciate you putting your head over the fence."

The dd was taken into the house though - but the parents don't know that I had several discussions with SS subsequently. SS would have sent a letter to say that there were some concerns..... but nothing else.

My judgement was that, if a letter was sent, i would never get to know anything about what was happening inside the house. I suggested that I would be the eyes and ears for the 2 children and I would always know when something really had to be done. (These children were on the narrowboat with me last Wednesday - I have kept them so close).

But DickHead Dad started shouting again tonight - and even the parents were shocked! The children were called filthy language which I won't repeat. The wife was called filthy language. The family couldn't / wouldn't believe it and asked female neighbour what she had done to cause this! Female neighbour said that her H is DV and beats her.

FAmily said that she must be mistaken because male neighbour isn't like that - he's lovely.

That is why I was asked to come round and support female neighbour.

After that.... I think you have the scenario. I am a witch of the first order; I have no life and I look over their fence to cause trouble.

Male neighbour had to be restrained from physically hitting me - but he intends to kill me! I was then physically pushed out of the house!

Anyway, he can't get me now can he? He! He! He!

I'll sort out the SS issue tomorrow and report back on this thread if that is okay.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 02:25

SammyB

I understand what you are saying and I am pretty clued up on most things to do with 'reporting'. I usually deal in a professional educational capacity and I know where to jump and how high.

As a neighbour, I could only offer SS 'circumstantial evidence' last July 2011. Slapping noises on bare skin through a bathroom window and cries from 2 children. That is NOT enough for SS to intervene. I had to get the 'evidence'.

I am so confused tonight! I am frightened to go back - but it isn't about me. It is about a wife who tells her family about abuse - and has to take it back because the family thinks he is lovely. Trust me - I have enough high-ranking in the educational world to get a visit tomorrow!

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 30/07/2012 03:04

I am going to lie down now and see if I can just 'rest'.

I have 'female neighbours' words ringing in my ear..... "Please don't report him, I will lose everything"..... "Please don't abandon me - I will have no-one".

I don't ever swear (RL or cyber life) but if ever there was a time when I wanted to swear, it is NOW!

Pffffft!

OP posts:

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