Found husband's receipt for Condoms

[Lindalang2011]

Me and dh have been married 13 yrs., with 2 beautiful daughters. Though we've had ups n downs, we got thru it all. I thought we had a great sex life too; (sex about once a week). Well, about 3 weeks ago, I was cleaning off his dresser, and found a recent receipt for Lifestyles condoms. And another item I can't identify on the receipt. (drvn. 3.25 oz.). Well, the condoms WE use are from the drawer, with a 2011 expiration date. In fact, he'll always put 2 condoms near the bed, and it's ALWAYS the 2011 ones. I keep waiting for him to bring out the new ones he bought, but he hasn't. I decided a few days ago to throw out the 2011, so the next time I'll know for sure. I'm not saying anything yet, but of course my mind is racing. He works at the railroad in the tower, overseeing the yard workers, 3 nights a week. Now, there are mainly men working there. About 2 wks. ago, they ordered a new chair to replace his old one. Well, he took a video of someone throwing the old chair over the tower. Very short video. I found it odd that the video didn't show a face, just arms...and the person didn't say a word back to my husband when he laughed on video. So one night, I played the video frame by frame. The arms are small, with delicate hands, and even though it's a little blurry, I can see a glow of pink paint around the fingernails. When I laughed about the video to him, he said Yeah, the guy didn't want to carry the chair back down so just threw it over. He ALWAYS calls his coworkers by name. About 2 mo. ago, we got into an argument because when he took this shift he stopped calling me or texting me from work. Now he sends me a hello every night, but it was not until I said something. His texts are always aloof though. So last Friday, I sent a text telling him I loved him, and hinted around about sex on Monday night. His answer? Ok...goodnight. I said Wow...no I love you?? Nothing about Monday? I was upset. He then says Yeah Yeah, Monday night, goodnight, I love you. I'm kinda busy right now. Fast forward to the very next day.....He tells me a worker laid off, and he has to work Monday night!!!! wtf?! I acted cool and calm. I didn't want to let on like I know anything. One night, I heard a female dispatcher on the CB talking to him at work. And one night about 2 mo. ago, he got a hang up call on his cell from the dispatcher line at 3 am. Only thing is, I thought the dispatchers for the railroad worked the CB radios from out of Nebraska, unless they hired a new local dispatcher. At this point, I don't know what to think. Should I keep waiting to see if he brings out the new condoms? I've looked everywhere for them, and it's not like him to hide them. Another thing, he just recently started using condoms with me...in the past 2 mo. He always hated condoms and we used the withdrawal method for years, except for a handful of times...which is why the condoms we did have are expired from 2011. Any advice? Am I over thinking things, or could there really be something going on...possibly at work? Please advise. :(

[CaoNiMa]

I think instead of analysing freeze-frame shots of the video and torturing yourself over this, you need to confront him and put yourself out of your misery.

It's a horrible situation to be in, but you really must bring things to a head and not overthink.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

It all sounds dodgy. The trouble with asking him outright is that he'll probably lie. If you're certain his new co worker is female then it's very odd that he hasn't mentioned it.

[Hyperballad]

I think there is something going on here, but whether it is that he is cheating on you is too hard to tell.

I think its odd that he has just started using condoms with you, without a discussion to why. Isn't this something you'd talk about? But you give the impression you were not part of that decision?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Only way to find out is to ask where they are. Whether he's having an affair or not, by telling him you found the receipt, it gets it out in the open. Quite innocent questions - 'where are those condoms you bought?' and 'what's this drvn'?. You'll be able to judge from his reaction if he's lying or not

[RainbowTurtle]

Why are you using condoms that expired in 2011?

[gettingeasier]

I agree didnt you ask why he was using a condom if it wasnt something you normally did ?

The things that are usually advised are to scout round his phone/email and to trust your instincts. Did you look for anything else when you were playing the chair footage ?

Sorry this is awful to go through I know

[Lindalang2011]

Thanks everyone. Rainbow...the condoms were expired because we haven't used any...until recently, when he started to dig them back out again. Well, that's the first thing that began to make me suspicious.

I DID find out something tonight. I called the different buildings around the tower, where he works at the railroad. There IS a woman that I knew worked there, but she always worked in the yards, switching the trains. Well, lo and behold, I called the crew room, where trains are dispatched, and she actually answered the phone, stating her name!! I hung up...but then I pretty much knew who threw the chair out in that video. The fact he even lied about it being a guy in the video tells me he'll lie again, so I don't want to bring this up until the time is right. I just find it odd that he keeps these new condoms hid, and feels comfortable joking around on video with a female coworker. Btw, she is married too, but quit the yard switching, just to work the same shift my husband works, leaving her family to work the night shift. My husband went from working 1 night a week only, to 3 now, and everything seemed different after that. Thanks for all the advice, maybe it is time to confront him with all this. I've just always tried to trust him and never accuse, but this is all a red flag to me. Thanks again to all. Hugs.

[Lizzabadger]

You are in US I take it.

Don't confront until you have hard evidence - he will only deny. Start snooping - email, cell phone, facebook, pockets for receipts etc.

[Dprince]

if dh all over a sudden starting using condoms with me. That would be enough to say hang on. Does he not know that expired ones will probably fail anyway.
Honestly though dh wouldn't get near me with a condom on without a good reason. Did he give you a reason he started using condoms?

[Lindalang2011]

gettingeasier...When all this came about, I pretty much thought if he's cheating, it's with someone at work, because he rarely uses his cell phone and let's me borrow it. I even installed find my iphone on his phone recently, and it never showed anything about him going anywhere odd when he's leaving home. But there IS a phone in his tower at work, but I had never called that line. After finding the receipt, I started calling the tower line, and a lot of times, that line is busy. Even around 4 am. At one point I heard the female dispatcher talking to him briefly. I never knew until I found out tonight it was the same woman that used to switch trains in the yard...now working as a dispatcher on the same night shift as my husband. So little by little, I find out a little more. See, his job is about 40 minutes away, and he knows I'm always home at night with our girls, and not checking up on him. I do know that around 3 am, most of the train crew leaves, if he sends them home. And around the tower is very deserted, it's not likely anyone would see anything. He is pretty much his own boss.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You are driving yourself crazy making up an entire back story on very little evidence. Rather than spying, you will have to ask about the condoms and judge the reaction. It isn't particularly accusatory or confrontational to ask your own husband where condoms are when you use them as a couple. If he overreacts as if you are accusing him of something, that's different.

[Lindalang2011]

No, no reason at all. But I guess it didn't really bother me until I found the receipt for NEW condoms, and kept waiting to see if he'd use those with us...and he didn't. After a 3 wk old receipt, I have looked and looked for them and can't find them. That's when I thought about his job. Then I looked closer at the video. I did read an article about if your dh suddenly starts using condoms or trying new things, it may indicate he's cheating...example, using condoms reminds him of when he's with the other person, and using condoms with them. Like I said, I didn't really say anything because I tried to be a trusting wife, and we never really argued much about anything. But this has just thrown me for a loop.

[Lindalang2011]

ty Cogito. I've always been able to discuss things with him, without arguing, so maybe you're right. True, my brain is working overtime right now, but I do need answers. I plan on asking him Monday night when he's off work.

[KlickKlackknobsac]

Sounds strange every which way you look at it
Why start using condoms again?
Why take on more shifts?
Why buy new and not use?
I have to say I think there is a possible lack of communication between you. If my dh started using condoms I would just ask why straight away. If my dh started increasing his night shifts I would discuss at length. I understand you are being a trusting wife, but you are also a team.
How about requesting non-condom sex or something else that increases the intimacy levels (oral sex either way). That may get an interesting response if he is seeing/shagging someone else.
Plus (this is tmi) if you get near his penis after a shift you can check for the tell tale smell of latex?? Or has his hygiene routine got much more intense recently?
Or as an earlier post suggested- you could just ask him. The angrier his response, the more likely he is to be guilty.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

(FFS... sniffing his cock?) If you normally talk without arguing, do that. Unless he's a gifted actor, you will know if he's lying because you've lived with the man for at least 13 years and you will know what he looks like when he's being shifty. I can think of innocent reasons for all your concerns tbh. Condoms because the withdrawal method is bloody risky. Extra shifts is to earn more cash. He calls a woman 'guy' because all genders can be lumped together as 'guys'. The condoms he bought are sitting in a pocket somewhere. 'OK Goodnight' means 'leave me alone, I'm at work'. A woman in a male-dominated workplace is not necessarily the office bike. OR he's spending the entire night shift shagging Little Miss Nail Polish.

Talk.

[horseygeorgie]

ditto Cogito.

[BonkeyMollocks]

What Cognito said!

But wtf at 'cocky sniffing '!!!

"Hi honey. Good time at work? Let me just sniff your cocky a sec!"

[BonkeyMollocks]

*cock

[arthriticfingers]

Before people advise asking, can I repost Slambags excellent summary of what happens then:

To summarise many many MN threads, the steps are ...

Faced with suspicions "of course I'm not having an affair. I love you."
Faced with evidence. "I'm not having an affair. Shut up."
Faced with incontrovertible proof. "I'm not having an affair. You're mad."
Faced with being kicked out. "Yes there is another OW but we haven't done anything. It's all emotional. I'm so confused"
Faced with not being allowed back home. "Actually, she's the love of my life and I never loved you."
Faced with divorce. "I'm madly in love with her. You are an evil bitch."

6 months to 2 years later. "I made a terrible mistake. I love you.Can I come back?"

[Lindalang2011]

lol Well I don't think I'd go that far. Usually he goes to bed after working, and I let him rest. He gets the same amount of salary, no matter what shift, so it's not that we need the money. We've used the withdrawal method for over 6 yrs. straight, until recently. It wasn't bothering me really, to use the expired condoms. It was just the fact he hid the new ones, and never brought them out. I've pretty much trusted him until this. Could be something or nothing, but it is something we do need to discuss.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Trust your instincts - these are telling you something.

Has he been distant at home? Does he spend a lot of time on the phone/in the bathroom etc? Is he protective of his cell phone? Does he keep finding faults with you? These are other red flags.

[Lindalang2011]

lol arthriticfingers...so true. My late grandmother was faced with all of that, and yet she still came out of it a stronger woman.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Is there any way you could get a trusted friend to babysit your kids and for you to go over to his workplace one night when you know both will be there on their own?

[fiventhree]

arthriticfingers, that is great and should head up the mn divorce section!

Just so true.

I can hardly think of a thread on here which didnt follow that pattern.

[arthriticfingers]

Not mine - although I wish I had the gift of such pithy precision.
Slambang please take a bow.
I, too think this ought to be a sticky.