Mil issues, family time etc going mad here

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

I will try and make sense of what I want to say. We live in UK but I'm not from here, therefore none of my relatives are around. Dh is local and has mil, pil (long time divorced) and a sil with bil and 2 dn. He also has a db we don't see as they don't get on. Added to this are aunts/ uncles / cousins.

I'm getting really fed up that most of our weekend time is being taken up seeing his family. Over Easter, we saw someone for at least a few hours every day of the four days off. Dh works manic hours and it feels like we never have any time just us.

Mil is the biggest issue. We have a history but are polite and pleasant to each other. I will need really trust her due to past issues. I also have nothing to say to her. She has no opinions, hobbies, interests etc any conversation I start is one sided. She isn't being rude, she is just dull. Sorry if that's harsh. I find being on her company mind numbing.

She visits most wednesdays and every saturday afternoon. Dh is at work Wednesdays so it's just me and the dc. On a Saturday dh is here and will either work because she is here to help with the dc or will sit with her drinking tea and eating biscuits. She will expect lunch and dinner.

This is long, and probably boring. Sorry. I tried to tell dh that I'm struggling with us not having time to ourselves and he says she is great with the kids (true) and she helps out so we can have the odd night away (also true).

Am I being awful? I just want to scream with the frustration of it all

[cornsyilk]

that would drive me mad
how long has this arrangement been in place for?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Years

[ENormaSnob]

No advice but I couldn't put up with seeing someone every week on set days.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Someone help please!

[cornsyilk]

does dh have any siblings that could share the MIL duties?

[RandomMess]

Can you drop the dc off with her some Sats so you and dh have couples time?

How about starting to book things to do on Saturday - not every week but every 2-3 weeks so she can't come and visit. What time does she leave on a Wed, does she wait to see your dh?

[tallwivglasses]

Maybe it's time to scream then...well not scream but make it clearer to your DP that you simply cannot put up with this any longer. For a start could you find something really important to do on wednesdays?

[cornsyilk]

how old are your dc? Could they start doing activities when MIL usually calls round so that you are out? dh may not be so keen if he is the one who has to do the entertaining.

[Gigondas]

How would you like it to be with dh family? Can you think what would be reasonable time with them (and try to resist the urge to think well I don't have my family so he can't have his)?
Also can you limit the mil visit to every other week or not.

I don't think it's unreasonable not to want to spend all your free time with family but equally dh wants some time with them. I would think about what you would do to suggest filling some of family time - could you do more family days out with you dh and dx ?

Also I would take your mil up on offer to care for dc so can have more time with dh. There seemed an unspoken issue there that you aren't happy with how dh spends free time with you and dc so are placing some of the blame for this on family visits.

[MrsMcEnroe]

My opinion on this is very subjective, as both my (much-loved) parents are dead and all DH's (pretty useless) family live 250 miles away

BUT

your situation would drive me mad. You need to have a talk with your DH and tell him that a) you don't wish to entertain your MIL on Wednesdays when your DH isn't home, and b) you don't want her coming to your house every Saturday. It sounds as though there are plenty of other relatives who she could go and bother visit at weekends ....

[pumpkinsweetie]

Could u not just have round one day instead of two?
I know the feeling ive been there and by the sounds of it she sees too much of you.
Tell her you are busy on wednesdays and plan trips to the park etc with your dcs.

[smearedinfood]

Could she not just babysit while you go out with DH on a Saturday? You may as well make use of her company...

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

If we went out it would become her doing us a favour iykwim. I am going to start planning things for alternate Saturday's/ Wednesday's.

Dh is upset that I feel this way. I feel alienated when she is around. Ds (2) won't come near me when she is around and it's really wearing thin. Even if my own mother was local I wouldn't want the commitment we have to seeing mil with her.

[MrsMcEnroe]

Your DH has no right to be upset that you don't want to see HIS mother on Wednesdays when he's not there ... That's just ridiculous of him. Would he want to spend time on his own with your mother?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

He is upset because I said I don't like her. But I don't. She was a rotten selfish mother and I don't really like the influence she has over ds. She is super defensive all the time and it's very hard to relax around her. She has succeeded in driving a big fuck off wedge between us today and we had been getting on great too.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Btw to answer other questions dc are 4 and 2 and one on the way. I have no problems seeing his family and would actively encourage it just not every bloody day off we have.

[louloutheshamed]

Can't you go out? I don't mean leave kids to babysit, I mean all go out. We are rarely in on a Saturday afternoon.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

We could go out but we don't because she is coming round. Or we plan going out swimming for eg around being back as soon as possible after she gets to our house and dh will leave her a key to wait for us

[RandomMess]

Perhaps you need to focus on explaining to your dh that you would like more time together as a family unit of 4 and the only way to achieve that is by his Mum coming either less frequently or for a shorter amount of time and that activities shouldn't be cut short to keep his Mum happy.

Does he feel under pressure to keep his Mum happy/not challenge what she wants/expects?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

She rejected him as a child basically. I think he is still desperate for her attention/approval. It's sad cause she doesn't deserve half of him

[RandomMess]

Perhaps you need him to work on realising that his dc are his future and building a strong family unit is important - perhaps even couples therapy to work through his Mum monopolising your family time so he gets an independent point of view as well?

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

He just counters every point I make with an excuse or says I am seeing things from a negative point of view so she can do no right... Round and round in circles and he is just so hurt I could say I don't like his mother

[LydiaWickham]

Oh god, how awful for you! I would suggest plans every other week for Saturdays, tell your DH you won't be back in time, so he can tell his mother it doesn't work, perhaps once you start breaking the arrangements it would help.

I'd also find something you are doing every Wednesday - a class of some sort. Never be available without DH there.

[LydiaWickham]

Actually, I'd tell your DH that you won't see his mother without him, as you've already told him you don't like her, tell him you just won't do it. you will be out, he can talk to you about how to manage this, or he can just deal with the fall out.

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Thanks Lydia, I feel like the big bad wolf which is so unfair. Im going to do as suggested and plan things for wednesday and every other saturday. Also, the things she does that really bug me, such as eating a sandwich I make her, then leaving the plate of the table and leaving the room, I'm going to say "could you just pop your plate in the dishwasher please mil" and a