i found a secret facebook account and a 'dirty' text conversation on his phone...

[messybedhead]

But the funny thing is, is that this was in October and I didn't feel hurt or cheated, I just made fun of him.

I also found lots of 'naughty' photos of women on his phone. The most sickening thing I found was a video of him pleasuring himself with all the sound effects. It was obviously made during the day when I was at work which meant my DS would have been in the house.

In the text conversation he had told this girl that I was his sister and that he'd beaten up my boyfriend for me- sorry even writing all this down makes me cringe.

His secret facebook account was linked to a page searching for this girl- I mean it is really soooooooooo pathetic I am dying just writing this down. There is lots more but its all stuff you've read a million times on here about nasty, cheating pigs.

Anyway, I just wanted opinions really. Obviously I should LEAVE HIM (did I mention he's useless around the house and doesn't have a job, nor has he managed to successfully keep one), but I need him to look after the DC. I have just started a job after years of training which requires me to leave at 7 and get home at half past 6. I don't drive. I have looked EVERYWHERE including various adverts on that other parenting website, but there is not available and affordable childcare local that can have my children from half past 6 until half past 6. I don't think I can use a nanny as I would need tax credits to help with the cost. My job doesn't pay that well. But hopefully it will one day.

We do not have any family locally (it was his brilliant idea to move to this area away from everyone) or local friends as we only moved 2 years ago and I don't really know any of the mums at DD's school as we moved here in Year One.

I go to work and make fun of him and everyone says that I should leave him, and if I had my mum living around the corner to help me with childcare I would have left him oooh maybe 2 years ago. And I know childcare is a really stupid excuse , but I have worked so hard to get where I am and I need to complete this one year in order to be qualified properly ( can you guess what I do??).

Sorry I'm rambling, blame the wine. I don't even know what I'm asking really- just want to talk about it without putting on a brave face like I normally do.

[messybedhead]

well at least by writing it down I have got it off my chest.

[AnyFucker]

ok, kick the cocklodger out

and then employ him at minimum wage to care for his own kids

and don't ever sleep with him again

what an arsewipe

[AnyFucker]

I am really sorry, btw

I am replying in flippant style, in keeping with your OP

but yes, I am sorry your partner turned out to be so fucking useless

put him to work, in the only way he can redeem himsel

[AnyFucker]

f

[UterusUterusGhali]

Oh, Bedhead that sucks.

I have no idea about childcare.

If he is unemployed could he still not do it, only from elsewhere?
Could you afford a live-in Au Pair?

[messybedhead]

I have no room for an au-pair- if only!

His mum lives about an hour away on public transport ( he doesn't drive either- what a great pair we are), so he couldnt realistically get her for half six every day.
I'm just putting up with him for now , and sleeping in DD's bunkbeds until I meet my millionaire...

Oh dear that last sentence will out me if anyone knows me in RL but oh well everyone knows what a pig he is anyway.

[Binfullofsiliconelimbsonthe45]

Perhaps if he got off his arse and filled his day with helpful family contributions such as housework or earning an income he wouldn't need to use his wrist to alleviate his boredom.

I was also going to say au pair could be the answer too, and they help with light house duties. Childminders aren't that expensive and can be flexible. What about afterschool clubs?

You can get male au pairs too, give the dc's a positive male role model in their lives who'll play footie in the garden after school rather than wank off on his phone while they play in the next room.

Keep calm, and get a plan in place before you make the break op, take this time to sort out finances, legalities, childcare...just keep him there as free childcare until you sort yourself out.

Good luck in your career, sorry you have to put up with this extra stress on top of establishing your career. He'll probably blame that for all his actions.

[messybedhead]

Oh no I should be grateful to him apparently for allowing me to have a career while he gives up his for me.

Oh please... he lost his last job for being useless, just like every other job he's managed to blag. We've been together 9 long years, and all of that time I've been studying, but prepared to take days off when childcare fell through if he miraculously was offered a days work somewhere. I can not and will not be late for work or take time off because I am so grateful that all my hard work paid off and I have a job in a place that I love. He is jealous and thats his problem for being so useless....

and breathe!

[messybedhead]

Oh and thanks for replying you too and I'm really trying not to drip-feed.

[messybedhead]

*two

[cece]

So DD is school aged?

In that case during term time you only need before and after school care. Have you actually phoned a chilminder so that you have an idea of how much it would actually cost? School holiday clubs can be reasonable - around here they are about £15 per day and you could use a cm before and after the acitvity day.

Also even if you leave him, won't he still be able to look after your DD? I don't understand why he couldn't if he doesn't work...

[ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso]

Are you still sleeping with him?

Your in a difficult situation but it can be worked on.

I'm off to bed but keep posting, answers will be found.

[messybedhead]

I have 2 DC- DD at school and DS who has only just turned three.

I need a local chiildminder ( I dont drive and need to be in work at 7.45 ) to have both of them, take DD to school, look after DS, pick DD up from school and then have the pair of them until half 6. The childminders round here are approx £4 per hour plus £5 each drop off and pick up. Oh but the local ones don't do DD's school because its not our local one as its the only one we could get her into when we moved here.

I feel like I am making excuses.

Yes occasionally I sleep with him, am thoroughly ashamed of that fact, but you know sometimes there's the itch. I don't find him attractive at all but I have a rather prudish attitude to sex and relationships- I really wish I could go and cheat on him and meet someone else, but I just don't have it in me.

[messybedhead]

When I said 'he wont be able to get her' upthread I meant 'he wont be able to get here'.

[ShineYourButtonsWithBrasso]

I was going to bed I promise

You need to stop him feeling like he is doing you a favour by being at home and not doing a great job, ie wanking on duty!

Your are the bread winner so to speak and should be able to feel confident in leaving him with the children.

Can you talk with him?

[GypsyMoth]

You will have to leave your job ( yeah I know, not ideal)

Housing? Would he leave or you? The problem being residency. The courts like to maintain the statu quo. So that would mean the dc staying with him, as he is, the main carer! Unless he would happily let you take them

[messybedhead]

I cant leave my job, I had DD when I was young and I disappointed everyone and ruined my future blah blah blah... so now I NEED to do this.

He wouldn't agree to leave but I could shame him into it if I let all his family know ( I mean, it's not as if we haven't been in similar circumstances before).

I've spoke to him, but he knows that I am reliant on him for childcare. We argue and he threatens to leave and I obviously give him my blessing, but he knows he has to be here for the DC.

I'm going round and round in circles here.

[Pickadaytocelebrate]

Why don't you learn to drive? It sounds as though that might help you with some practical options.

[messybedhead]

I know I do need to learn to drive. It's one of those things that I talk about doing... one day. At the minute I don't think I could afford it financially or time-wise. We moved from central London where you didn't need to drive, to this horrible place where everyone drives everywhere.

Now I am really making excuses.

[cece]

So you need two cm. One for your youngest and another to do the school run. I have never heard of cm charging to drop off at school though? Are ou sure they all do that? I have used many many cm and not one of them has charged me for this service!

I currently have two CM. One for the preschooler and one for the school aged children. Works fine. Also ask for a temporary reduction in your hours each day at work while you sort yourself out.

Otherwise give up job, move to be near your family (who can help you) and get a new job.

[messybedhead]

It sounds so easy when you suggest it written down.

I am a teacher, in my NQT year. I can't do less hours or move nearer to family (yet).

I could possibly find two childminders, but that would mean leaving even earlier in the morning to drop them off in two separate places before catching my 7.15 bus.

I was planning on riding it out until DS is in Reception (Sep 2013) and then putting them both in a closer school so that a local childminder can take them and drop them off. But it seems like such a long time away.

I think the £5 charge was for a straightforward drop off and pick up but because DD would be there 2 hrs before and 3 hours after, the childminder was charging for those and the hourly rate too. It is so confusing.

I was posting really to discuss what a pig my DP is because I really really hate him so so so so so so so so much.

[messybedhead]

Anyway thank you everyone for trying to help. I need to be at church for half 8 in the morning for DD's Holy Communion classes so I'd better get some sleep.

[Bossybritches22]

Surely an NQT job is transferable? Could you not move back to nearer your family in London where transport and childcare would be easier with their support?

I know it would be difficult but not impossible, and it doesn't sound like your life is very happy at all for any of you, especially for the children who must pick up the atmosphere even if they seem Ok?

[messybedhead]

My mum subsequently moved further out of London in the opposite direction after we moved.

I've spent most of tonight looking at 4 bedroom houses where my mum lives and dreaming about us buying something and living together.

The NQT year can be completed in different schools, but I am really happy where I am and don't feel I could find this again.

[messybedhead]

DD picks up on it because well its normal for me to top and tail her in bed.

DS picks up on it because he sometimes calls me a f--ing ct. I don't swear ever and especially not in front of my DC.

DD shares my disgust and well... I don't know what I'm trying to say but no its not healthy for them.