What is a husband's role to you?

[TheEpilator]

DH and I are on the verge of splitting up, certainly temporarily if not for good. He says he cannot give me what I want from a relationship, which I have told him is:

-to feel loved and equal
-to know that I am special to my husband, not just childcare/cook/cleaner, but a wife/friend/partner to him
-support to enable me to succeed as a person in my own right (both emotional and physical help)

• to feel that spending time with me isn't a chore to be fitted in, but actually something important and, dare I say it, pleasant!
  

that's it really - am I asking too much? I should add that he is a bit ASD and finds all talk of emotions hard work, so I know I'm banging my head against a wall really.

I just need to know if my expectations for a marriage in general are unreasonable, regardless of his personal limitations? If we split up am I likely to find someone else to whom this description of marriage isn't a totally alien concept?

[AlwaysWild]

You're not asking too much at all TheEpilator and yes there are people who don't see this as an alien concept.

Sorry to hear you're having problems. Hope you're OK.

[Nesbo]

Which part doesn't he agree with? Or does he agree in principle but not with something about how these are implemented? Or is it something else not on the list?

[JustHecate]

nope. sounds pretty basic to me.

If he can't make you feel loved, equal or valued - or special, can't make you feel that he wants to spend time with you or that he wants you to succeed, then you've not really a marriage at all, have you?

What does he do that makes you feel that he does not love you, value you, think you're special etc. Does he actually do things that show you that he does not want to spend time with you or love you, or is it that he does not make gestures to you that demonstrate this? iyswim.

I know that may seem like the same thing! But it's not. Failing to show you that he does is not as bad as showing you that he doesn't. If that makes any sense.

[JustHecate]

oh, and he knows how you feel? and you have given him examples of things that would make you feel these things and he has gone, nope, can't do that, sorry?

If so, then there's really no coming back from that.

[WaitingForMe]

No it's not unreasonable (as long as it cuts both ways) but it might sound a lot to some men.

My DH is amazing compared to when we first got together regarding talking about emotions but even now it's easier if I can put my wants and needs in terms of concrete tasks. Making me feel special and enjoying time with me is scheduled as eating evening meals together and a once monthly date.

Your description of marriage matches mine but if I'd presented it to DH at the beginning I think he'd have said he wasn't up to it.

[confidence]

I don't think your expectations are unreasonable at all.

But what they are is very open to interpretation. How much "time"? How much "support"? What exactly is required to make you feel "loved"?

It's easy to look at things like this as though they have a clear objective scope, but sometimes when we do that it's because we take our own personal assumptions for granted, and don't consider that what seems like a normal or reasonable level of something to us might not feel so to another.

If your DH is on the autistic spectrum, he may find these kinds of things particularly difficult as they are so open-ended.

[Yama]

I would say that your list is the very least one should expect out of a life partner. Your expectations are certainly not unreasonable in my book.

[TheEpilator]

Thanks all. It's difficult to give specifics, as there are so many tiny ways that I have felt un-valued over the years. During the 'big talks' this week I have listed so many incidents that have upset me or knocked my confidence but in isolation none of them is that big a deal. I read the phrase "death by a thousand paper cuts" recentle and thats how I feel.

Justhecate Failing to show you that he does is not as bad as showing you that he doesn't.

I think that is a fair description really - perhaps he has failed to show that he does care far more often than showing that he doesn't.

[TeeBee]

Look at this website //www.marriagebuilders.com and look at the section on Most Important Emotional Needs. I found it really useful in terms of breaking down exactly what you want and need from your partner and what they want and need from you.

He may not feel able to meet your emotional needs if he doesn not feel as strongly about you as you do about him or for other reasons. But I really wouldn't say your needs are at all unreasonable. He just may not feel able to fulfill them.

[TeeBee]

Sorry, I meant to say its the emotional needs questionnaire that's useful. In fact I found the whole site brilliant.

[totallylost]

Am in a similar position with my DH. Your list is almost exactly the same as my list. Having discussed it with DH I found I needed to explain it more. As some as said it is quite open and therefore open to interpretation. My DH also has some autistic/asperger tendencies so I have elaborated for him. I gave him an example of an average week and what I would like to happen, things we both might say and do.

He could then see that it is the little things that make all the difference. As you say the little things cause the pain and the little things can rebuild and repair a lot of damage.

His response to the 'guideline' has been to realise that I am not asking him to change completely and to see that it is not an impossible task.

[TeeBee]

Based on your last post, also look at the section on 'Love busters'.

[TheEpilator]

Thanks TeeBee I'll take a look.

confidence Interpretation does seem to be a big issue with ASD. The problem is he hasn't been officially diagnosed (Relate counsellor suggested it, then said she couldn't really help us, as counselling relies on empathy which he lacks!) so I don't want to base it all around that in case it isn't that at all, and he's just not very good at being a husband!

Most help for partners of those with ASD seems to revolve around accepting his short-comings and communicating on a basic and factual level, but its soul-destroying when you crave a connection with someone, only for them to tell you they are unable to give you that. I suppose I'm trying to establish if there is actually a marriage without those things and the general consensus seems to be 'no'!

totallylost maybe that's part of the problem, I need to give specifics - it just seems so basic to me, that I can't imagine why anyone would need these things pointing out.

[lottiegb]

He must have had some affection for you and desire to spend time with you, to start with. How did he express it then? How does he think he expresses his admiration, affection and desire for you now? He can't have seen you as just a flat-mate if he chose to marry you, surely?

[TheEpilator]

HereIGo I have looked and it can make for pretty depressing reading! There are plenty of people having a harder time than me I know, but I don't want to allow that to be his 'get out of jail free card' in case it isn't that at all! He won't get diagnosed because of the possible impact on his work, so I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, but in some ways it makes it harder to live with, knowing that he can't change his ways - its in the wiring of his brain.

sprouting thanks that's a useful way to look at it! He has said that he feels a lot of pressure to be all things to me, as I haven't always has a big support network of friends and family, although that has broadened a lot lately.

I don't feel that I am totally dependent on him for my happiness, but I do need to feel loved and lovable for my self-esteem and this relationship isn't doing that for me.

[TheEpilator]

Lottie well desire he has no problem with, although it is generally a wandering hand and the phrase "you're nice and warm" which signals its on the cards (sorry if a bit TMI!)

Admiration and affection...erm.. a cup of tea in the morning. The mention that he was going to buy me some flowers, but didn't because they're not really worth it! Buying me some new tyres for my bike . He is sounding more and more AS isn't he?!

[ArtVandelay]

I don't think its unreasonable at all. I do think your first three points are quite vague though. I have found that talking to my DH about vague things like 'support' and making one 'feel special' just confuse him and upset him. Have you told your DH just to do things rather than trying to have him interpret your feelings? E.g. I'm upset about something, DH panics and starts talking insensitive gibberish so I say "shut up and put your arm round me for 5 minutes" so he does. Not romantic but saves a lot of talking at cross purposes. DH isn't ASD (I don't think) but English is his 2nd language so subtlety is pointless.

The number four point is sad though - what makes you think he doesn't want to do things with you?

[ArtVandelay]

He fixed your bike - epilator you have no problems! I've had no bike lights and a dodgy lock for 2 months now!

[TooEasilyTempted]

Your list is just too vague. If i was presented with that by my DH i would want specific examples like..."to feel that spending time with me isn't a chore to be fitted in, but actually something important and, dare I say it, pleasant!... By, for example, you sorting out a babysitter one night a month and booking a restaurant and taking me out for dinner"

I'm sorry but I can't even think of examples for the first three, they're so vague. I learned when having counselling with DH years ago that men in general he responds better to my needs when given actual tasks or told directly exactly what I would like him to do.

[TheEpilator]

Art they may be vague, you're right, but if someone asked you a vague question like "could you help me out with something sometime" and you said "no sorry, I can't do that" you'd take it as a knock-back wouldn't you!?

That's a bit how it feels when I say I need support and he says "sorry I can't give you that" rather than "of course I'll support you in any way you need me to, just tell me what you need and I'm here".

He was very loving to DS1 the other day, cuddling and reassuring him when he was upset and I asked why he can't be like that with me when I'm upset, and he said "its a different type of relationship. You shouldn't need me to reassure you, you're an adult."

[OrmIrian]

It needs to cut both ways. I have spent years telling my DH his shortcomings, it was only in the last 10 or so he has started telling me mine . And I needed to hear them. It helped. No relationship is a one-wau street.

As for the AS dimension - I have been fairly sure that DH is on the spectrum for a while. He did an online questionnaire at work recently (he teaches children with behavioural difficulties) and the results showed that my suspicions were correct. But I sometimes think that having AS tendencies is part of the business of being male...

[OrmIrian]

I agree that you need to more specific. Especially if his brain isn't wired the same as yours.

'could you help me out with something sometime' means nothing really and would make anyone feel panicky when it was linked to criticism of their whole character and behaviour. Would it help if, when the situation arises, you said ' I could do with some support right about now?'. I have found that works with DH.

[TheEpilator]

OrmIrian exactly, how much of it is just extreme 'maleness'? In fairness I have asked him to tell me my short comings and he can never tell me anything I do that makes him miserable.

From his reaction to suggestions I make or things that I find unreasonable I can only deduce that it comes down to me being too 'needy' and emotional for his liking. I get upset when he chooses to spend disproportionate time and money on himself.

He works most weekends so I am alone a lot with the DCs and so when he is here I try to make the most of it, but he has a need for a lot of personal space, its difficult to find a happy medium.