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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

horseplay or domestic violence?

63 replies

lightsandshapes · 09/05/2011 10:03

I had just got back from a holiday alone with my dogs. DP and I were getting on well, being affectionate in a physical, playful, way. I had just finished an hour of doing the dishes and slumped forward on the chair in exagerated tiredness. I had been hunched over a computer all day at work too. DP said 'sit up straight' as if to correc my posture. I said 'no' then he pushed my head forwards and towards my chest for about 5 seconds. Due to my seating position and the fact I am preganant and full of relaxin it's thrown out my whole spine alignment. I feel awful and teary all the time, and have had a headache for three days. he says there was no malicious intent and it was horseplay. I'm sooooo annoyed. WWYD??

OP posts:

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Adair · 09/05/2011 10:06

If you have to ask the question, I think you know the answer.

Reading the details, I am shocked. No, it's not on. Has he apologised at all?

Pagwatch · 09/05/2011 10:07

Horseplay?
When you are pregnant?

I don't think it sounds like domestic violence but tbh it all sounds pretty stupid.

zikes · 09/05/2011 10:07

Well you were there, what was it to you? I'm not trying to be funny, it's whether you felt there was anger/spite/nastiness in what he did - and how the rest of your relationship is generally.

lightsandshapes · 09/05/2011 10:07

yes apologised and said it was horseplay.... but why would you do that to someone?

OP posts:

JeremyVile · 09/05/2011 10:08

Well, either way it was a twatty thing to do, he hurt you and thats not on.

But whether its horse-play or dv, I dont think anyone else can possibly say. You have to judge that based on what you know of him.

For example, I read that and assume he's probably abusive but when I imagine someone I know doing the same thing, I'd know (from my knowledge of them, past experience etc) that it would just be clumsy, misjudged twattery with no ill intent.

He's your dp, so I imagine if you were confident he was not an abusive man you wouldnt ever need to ask this question.

JeremyVile · 09/05/2011 10:10

But you know him, surely?
Have you not been together long, is that why you dont know his intention?

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/05/2011 10:10

Well it may have been just thoughtless stupidity. But, as Zikes said, what is the rest of your relationship like? Has this sort of thing happened before? Abusive men do very often use 'horseplay' or 'playfighting' as a justification for hurting their partners, it's a matter of pushing the boundaries and seeing how much pain the woman will accept.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2011 10:14

The thing is I would know that dh did bot intend to hurt me ever. I would never have a doubt in my mind because I know he is incapable of intending to hurt me.
So the reason people are questioning is that you don't seem to know. Why do you doubt? You must believe he is capable of wanting to hurt you.

Anushka11 · 09/05/2011 10:15

No, I would not do that.
However, my father once picked up my mother around her chest from behind in horseplay (just to shift her about) and put so much pressure on her chest, he broke 2 ribs. And then said that it hadn't been all that hard!
She was quite cross with him, unsurprisingly.

he was not an abusive man, just a bit of a prat at times- some men seem to miss the listening gene (i.e. carry on when you say "stop, you're hurting me")

But only you know whether this was malicious, or just being a prat.

zikes · 09/05/2011 10:20

I'm kind of horrified by your post Anushka : not stopping when told it's hurting isn't prattishness.

Pagwatch · 09/05/2011 10:23

Bloody hell.

No. Men don't lack a listening gene if they carry on when a woman says 'stop, you're hurting me'

That is not ' man' behaviour.

It is incredibly offensive to most men to suggest it is.

BlooferLady · 09/05/2011 10:24

Like Pag I'm a bit worried that you have to ask. If DH and i were mucking around and I got hurt, it is so utterly beyond the realms of possibility that he would deliberately cause me any harm at all, that I would know it was just 'horseplay'.

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2011 10:25

you'd been on holiday alone,come back spent an hour doing the dishes?? an hour??? why?

piratecat · 09/05/2011 10:35

when he pushed your head forward, what was said. did you say ouch, did he hold it there quite hard or with intent to make it difficult for you to move?

it sounds like it has really shocked you.

cestlavielife · 09/05/2011 10:42

it doesnt make sense - why would he push your head forward to mkae you sit up striaght?
also timeline is confused -you've been on holiday alone and came back to do an hour of dishes (why ahdnt he done his dishes?) but you have been a t work all day.
anyway - it is context and the rest of your relationship that is important here

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 10:45

you were already slumping forwwards and he forcibly pushed your neck further forward into flexion...he must have had to grip your head pretty hard to do that

and you are pregnant, which makes it even worse (although it's bad enough already)

what ridiculous point was he trying to make ???

that you can acually really hurt someone by doing something so stupid ?

that he needs to hadle you roughly to make his point heard ?

horseplay ?

is that what we call being a heavy-handed twat these days ?

whether there is more "horseplay" in your relationship is not clear, but this isolated incident should not be brushed under the carpet

I would be furious and making sure there was no further rough handling of either me, or my children

lightsandshapes · 09/05/2011 18:25

Thank you for these messages - they help a lot.

Tilly - why is it odd to go on a short holiday alone? I'm just the kind of person who likes my space sometimes... and whilst I was doing the dishes he was doing the cleaning in the lounge and dining room. We agreed exactly one hour each of cleaning, so we blitzed the house and didn't have to do it at the weekend.

AnyF - you're right about not brushing it under the carpet.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 09/05/2011 20:27

never said it was odd about the holiday,at all.....an hour of dishes is though,unless he saved them all for you to do when you got back!!!!!!

AnyFucker · 09/05/2011 21:06

are you ok, love ?

have you spoken to him about it ?

MountainDew · 09/05/2011 22:45

My OH once broke my nose through horseplay. It was one of the funniest nights of my life. I remember it with great fondness. He was absolutely devastated he had hurt me.

Your situation doesn't sound the same. If it is horseplay or an accident or anything innocent, you would never even ask the question. And he would feel remorseful and NOT dismiss it as horseplay. (which in my book can only occur when both parties are up for it, are willing to respect one another and are mindful of their own strength; not when one is exhausted and slumped in a chair, wanting a bit of peace!)

Don't sweep it under the carpet. I'm sorry your OH has hurt you. I hope you are ok.

Jemma1111 · 09/05/2011 23:18

What gives your OH the right to tell you to 'sit up straight' in the first place?, you have every right to sit however you feel comfortable!

As others have mentioned you need to think about how he treats you in general, but what he has done to you IMO does not sound like horseplay.

popalot · 09/05/2011 23:29

It's violence. It was uninvited, it was painful, you are pregnant, what right has he to talk about your posture?

lightsandshapes · 10/05/2011 08:23

MontainDew, popalot you are right - there doesn't seem a lot of remorse. That was exactly that. I was sitting in a chair, knackered from work and dishes and did not want to be manhandled.
I asked him last night whether he had felt guitly at work about it. He said not until you mention it.
I think there's something wrong with him.
he refuses to pay for an osteopath as he says it was an accident. I'm left to sort it on my own. Got a maternity appointment on Thursday so if it doesnt clear up, I might ask for their advice. But what do I say to them, 'my dp has damaged my back'?
Not sure where to go from here.
Can't seem to get into his think-nut head for him to get some empathy so pointless talking to him for any length of time or writing him a letter explaining how he's made me feel. And I shouldn't have to.

GRRRRR - why don't I have a nice supportive guy :(

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Anniegetyourgun · 10/05/2011 08:29

"he refuses to pay for an osteopath as he says it was an accident"

But the point is that you are hurt and need treatment, not whether he did it on purpose. What an astonishing attitude.

Where to go from here, well, I can't think of anything to say that won't sound rather extreme, given that you're expecting a baby together 'n' all, but the hills are that way ---->

Adair · 10/05/2011 08:32

Yes, please do say 'my dp has damaged my back'. They should have lots of information and support.

Best wishes.

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