Can anyone help me get through dp leaving?

[awfulweeks]

Sorry, its been a rough few months. Dp and I have been having a difficult time lately and I put it down to his job etc. He was abusive towards me in before and during xmas acting really awful. blaming me for everything....really difficult to live with.
Then in march Found out dp was having an affair with a work colleage - it was a total shock. I suffered from post traumatic stress it was so awful.
Dp claims to not have had sex or physical contact - as he has turned out to be a total liar I have no idea what is true.....it doesnt matter now anyway.
Anyway he said he wanted be with me and dd 2 and supposedly ended the relationship.
We went to councelling. We agreed that it was best to try and work on our relationship for dd and were supposed to be talking in a couple of months about how it was going
He just didn't really try. He blames me for so many things. his arguments are one sided. I have accepted some responsibility for the breakdown of the relationship. He has used every thing I have said against me. He seems to hate me so much.
He refused to answer most of my questions and I kept finding things that didnt add up and it was driving me crazy that he kept lying and lying even when caught.
He also continued to behave in a secretive way - locked phone....fueling my paranoia - I took the bait every time and made things worse.
On sunday he was so horrible and at the end of the day just said, 'I don't love you anymore and i dont want to be with you' And he totally meant it. I was so shocked and unprepared for it.
For some reason I am just unable to process this propery!
He is moving out asap. He is cold and unemotional ( because he doesnt want to be wth me ) But all I want is a hug and reassurance.
What is going on here? I need to toughen up but I feel that I never got the chance to explain how he was part of the breakdown of our relationship. I feel like I am shouldering all the blame.
Its so hard. I feel so upset and keep crying over and over every day.
How long does it take to pick yourself up after this happens?
I am scared of being alone. I hate dp but I also wish he would turn round and change his mind.
Its so weird to have feelings for someone who has hurt you so badly - and behaved so selfishly.
Its such an awful feeling of rejection. so painful. I feel like I am worthless now.
I also know that its probably for the best...
I just keep panicking about everything from him having a new girlfriend, sharing custody, will he resent us for having to support us when clearly he wants to just start over.
Arrrgghhhhh I just wish I could fast forward.
Oh yes he wants to keep things amicable for dd......

[welshbyrd]

Have not got any advice im afraid,but did not want to leave without typing something. Im sure the appropriate MNers experts will be along shortly

I really feel for you x

[MooMooFarm]

awful so sorry for you. Do not really have any expert advice, but wanted to say that you need to slow down, give yourself time to take it all in, and most of all to look after yourself.

You are going through an awful experience, but you will get over it, and will look back at this as a blip, not the end of the world. But obviously that will take time.

Yes it would be lovely if you could fast forward time, but you know you can't. So what you need to do is take each day at a time (cliche I know, but it works). Give yourself a goal of getting through the next 24 hours - then give yourself a big pat on the back when you do.

And most importantly, you need a good support network around you. Don't know if you've confided in any of your friends of family in RL, as before you were obviously trying to work it out, but as you now know this is for real, you need to talk to people who will be able to support you and get you through this. Do you have good relations with your family & some friends you can talk to? I know it will be hard but you will start to feel better even just from 'offloading' some of this.

I know there is so much for you to sort out, legally etc, but for the next few days I think the most important thing is for you to look after your emotional health.

There is also the issue of him saying he's leaving 'asap'. Well if he's definitely going, I think you need to start getting back some control and tell him that he has to go now. Doesn't matter if he's not sorted out anything permanent yet; he can go to his parents or friend or whatever just for now. Because you cannot start to heal yourself while he is still there.

Am thinking of you - and we will help you through this x

[awfulweeks]

Thanks for reply welshbyrd....I wrote the post late it's a bit hard going.....I may try again another time and be less rambling.

Just been on the phone to samaritons for an hour......I didnt sleep last night.

I just keep thinking about OW and coming up with senarios where they are settled and happy in a couple of weeks.

Ex still living here. I am sure that is making things much harder! I just want him to hug me and be normal but he is all distant and unemotional. I wish I could just get over it and stop expecting him to be nice.

He is doing this to us and has been brutal with the timing etc. But doesn't even seem sorry. It's so painful. So selfish.

[awfulweeks]

Thank you moo.

I do have friends. They have been great and I confided in them in dec when things were really tough. Ex was being abusive and so unreasonable. I thought I was going mad. Then affair. Now this....

My folks know too. Everyone is being lovely an it does help to talk.

You are right about him leaving. It is ridiculous him living here after what has happened.

I know what you mean about looking after me.

I have been reading lots of threads and it interesting the similarities. Its hard not to blame yourself for what has happened.....but I guess this would have always happened.
He seems to have sorted it in his head. Everything I do just gives him another reason to hate me.

He is upset that I contacted a solcitor. I don't trust him to do the right thing long term. He keeps remindidng me I have no rights as not married.

[Jemma1111]

I think he is probably cold and unemotional because he needs to try and lessen his guilt and so justify's his affair and his wanting to leave by making it seem that you are the one to blame totally for the breakdown of your relationship.

You are not to blame. He is the one who cheated, the one who is abusive and the one who hasn't put the effort into trying to save your relationship.

Let him go, you deserve to be treated with respect and although it's hard at first on your own it's far better than being with someone who couldn't care less about your feelings.

Concentrate on yourself and your dd and see where you stand financially. He will have to support his child.

Good luck

[MooMooFarm]

Don't blame yourself for 'expecting him to be nice'. He's still living with you , and you've obviously been together for some time. You can't be expected to just 'switch off' and accept that he's not there 'for you' anymore, even though he is physically. He needs to go now, he really does.

It will help when you start to feel angry - and talking it through with your family/friends may help you to get there.

[SpringchickenGoldBrass]

He definitely needs to leave the house now. It is not remotely fair of him to carry on living there when he has left the relationship.
Bear in mind that if you tell him to leave and he becomes aggressive, you can actually call the police and have him removed.

[MooMooFarm]

Well I wouldn't say you have 'no rights'. I am no legal expert, but you have a child together and he is legally obliged to pay towards your child's upkeep. Are you in rented accom or do you have a mortgage (and is your name on it?). The law is firmly on your side as far as who gets to say in the home goes, as (I assume) you are the person who will be looking after your DD.

It's good you've contacted a solicitor - see them as soon as you can.

And BTW your ex partner is being a shit. Why does he have to rub your nose in it by saying that you have no rights? Hasn't he done enough? Please see your solicitor asap and if he hasn't gone by then, get help to have him removed. Tell the solicitor about the abuse because you don't have to face this all alone.

Do you feel strong enough to get his stuff together and tell him he has to go today? Or do you have friends/family who can intervene?

[MooMooFarm]

Sorry meant 'stay' not 'say' in the home....

[atswimtwolengths]

Just remind yourself that he is going off to make some other woman unhappy and that the sense of relief you will feel once he's gone will be tremendous. It will feel like you're on holiday - the tension you feel now will just disappear.

[HerHissyness]

Let him go, sure it'll hurt for a while, but it'll soon stop the damage to your self esteem and self confidence that he has been inflicting on you.

Sit calmly, sit quietly with yourself. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself to think about all the crap he has put you through up until today. Recall and embrace the PTSD he caused.

Then STOP. BREATHE.

How on earth could life without him be WORSE than that?
Answer: It couldn't possibly be.

While he is in your home, it'll never get better, only worse. When he has gone, it WILL get better. If nothing else you have the HOPE that it'll get better.

Liken this to pulling a plaster off really slowly. It's excruciating. The faster you rip him out of your life, the sooner it'll stop hurting.

You have RL support, that is wonderful. You will need them. You have us too, we'll always be here.

Yep, agree with SGB, the merest hint of a temper and pick up the phone, call the police and ask for him to be removed.

[awfulweeks]

Thanks for your posts.
I am focussing on staying nice.....and avoiding conflict. may be that's wrong.
He is away next week. I offered to stay with parents the following. Is that a bad idea? He is a shit.
He said yesterday that he would support us In The short term but when he is 65 and has 3 kids at uni does not want to be paying for my shopping.
This upset me because he did not want any more kids with me and messed me around about that for 3 yrs. It was like he has plans to move on very quickly!
He asks cryptic questions about schools and dd has SN so needs specialist help. So he is clearly worried about how much this will cost him. We have been together 8 yrs
I am on the mortgage which is good though

[MooMooFarm]

Stop being nice and trying to avoid conflict. However, don't bother getting into arguments with him as it's not going to get you anywhere. I would not be leaving the home to him for any period of time - why 'offer' to do anything helpful when he has treated you so badly? It is not his home anymore anyway, surely, so why should he stay there without you for a week? Isn't he leaving anyway? Try to get used to the idea that it is your home now and not his anymore - and he is outstaying his welcome. You and your DD need the security of your home - he has obviously decided he doesn't.

There is no 'short term' in supporting his DD - unless by 'short term' he means the next 18 years or so!

Please try to put yourself in a position where you don't have to listen to his shitty little remarks anymore, such as the one about about 'not paying for your shopping' - by getting him out of your home. What a complete pompous shit he is. Who's to say you would want him paying for your shopping in years to come? Who's to say you won't be the one in a happy relationship with 3 kids at uni, and won't need feck all from him by then! Hopefully by then he will be a distant shitty memory.

You do have power in this, you have care of a young child and your name on the mortgage - and you have done nothing wrong.

See your solicitor as soon as you can, lean on your friends and family as much as you need to - and get him out of your home.

[HerHissyness]

I get the avoiding conflict, but not the being nice thing, be polite only, that's all that is required. Your mantra is All this shall pass.

He has to support your DC until they have left FT education.

I agree with MooMoo, when he gets back from his week away, he can leave then, no point in prolonging the agony. Get legal advice, good call!

Do whatever you have to do to mentally stick your fingers in your ears and say LA LA LA whenever he opens that trap of his, it doesn't matter what he says, nothing matters, only the date of his departure and the date for recommencement of your life.

[PeterAndreForPM]

Do NOT leave your home, even temporarily

He must be the one to leave

You don't have to shout and scream constantly, but you certainly shouldn't be trying to make this "nice" for him

Was he being "nice" when he was treating you badly and sleeping with OW ?

Speak to a solicitor ASAP, and take steps to get him out of the family home

[ArthurMcAffertyandhisCat]

Don't be nice, why should you be? I gave up being nice to my ex a while ago, when he did something very similar. I do aim for polite, though, and also am v strict about not being rude to him in front of the dcs.

For now, some thoughts that might help:

• please try and look after yourself, first and foremost. Eat little and often and whatever you can. Get some gentle exercise and sunshine - it really does help. Baths with lavender oil.
  
• find people to talk to, and who you can call in the middle of the night. Find a counsellor if you can - even if it's just for a couple of sessions.
  
• ask your friends to help in very specific ways - take the children for an hour, come and cook dinner, sort out your car insurance, whatever it is that needs doing. When people say "how can I help" tell them what you need.
  

I know that feeling of wanting to fast forward time. You really can't and there are no shortcuts. But you need to know that the pain will change and lessen over time. I felt like I had been hit by a bus - I literally didn't take a deep breath for several weeks. Now several months on I am fine 90% of the time (the other 10% is crap, and currently I am stuck in the 10%) and I can see a future that looks a bit brighter. You deserve better, no one should be treated like this.

[MooMooFarm]

How are you doing awfulweeks?

Hope you're ok.

[awfulweeks]

Thank you so much for all your messages.
I had an ok afternoon. Dare I say that walking in the park in the sunshine made me think about taking dd on holiday to a beach(ex hates beaches) A cheapo crappy holiday where we can have fun rather than a week of me keeping dd away from ex so that he can rest.......and me coming back from holiday feeling terrible.
I spent most of the day on phone and out and about. So it was better. Good advice.
Right now I am feeling nervous about ex coming home. He gives no indication of what he is up to and I am not going to ask.
Plan for tonight is tamazepan and early to bed if possible. Avoiding ex and stupid comments.
Annoyingly the flat didn't work out.......hhmmmm
I am going to avoid vacating the flat for him too. That's defo too nice and accomodating.
By then he will have received the letter from solicitor so should be interesting how that goes down.
I am amazed that I feel a bit more positive. I am so bloody tired though.
I hope he doesnt put me back to square one tonight.

[awfulweeks]

Have found councilor too so that will be really helpful.

[PeterAndreForPM]

AW, if you stick with us and keep thinking about how great it will be, just you and dd on a sun+sangria holiday without that lazy, self-entitled twat dragging you down you will be fine

well, not fine, but ok

you will be ok, you don't need him, you can do better without him

[PeterAndreForPM]

hey, he can only bring you down if you give him permission

don't give him permission

[exhausted2011]

ok, he is abusive, a liar and a cheat.
Maybe you should focus on the fact that you will be better without him
I know that sounds harsh, I'm sorry. Obviously it will take time, you sound like you are in shock
There is a thread around somewhere with all the lovely ladies who managed to move on without their abusive husbands, and they feel so much better for it, take a look.
talk, talk here, talk to your counsellor, therapist. If it helps

[MooMooFarm]

Really glad to hear you're feeling a little bit better. When you get past the shock and the mist clears, you will start to see more and more positives to come of this.

We're with you all the way - keep strong x

[ScaredOfCows]

Just read through your thread. Great that you're sounding more positive and proactive.

I'm sure that you know this really, but it doesn't matter what sort of state (or not) your relationship was in. It didn't mean that he had the right to go and start up a relationship elsewhere behind your back. Please don't take the blame for that on your shoulders. It is not your fault. Other posters will tell you, I'm sure, that he probably manufactured a lot of the so called problems anyway, when he mentally checked out of your relationship, so that he would have a good excuse for his appalling behaviour.

A new and happy life with your little girl is waiting just around the corner!

[molemesseskilledIpom]

He's blaming you so he doesnt feel guilty or faces that he is actually most of the problem here. Thats a common thing I have noticed reading these threads.

It's such a shock at first but you have more rights than you realise. I wish I could advise you about getting him to move out but I cant - I was lucky in my split in that way.

The best advice I was given on here was to see a solicitor, which you have done and to get a new bank account and move any money paid into it for the kids into the new one (assuming you have a joint account).

I found that for the next few months you have great days, fantastic days, shit days, down days and ok days. You will go through times where you have never been so determined in you life to make a life for yourself and the kids, and times where you are not even confident enough to wear your favorite outfit. It's a hell of a rollercoaster but it will be worth it in the end.

I understand totally what you mean about needing a hug and I really wish I could give you one that will just make everything feel a little better.