How do I help 8 year old DD develop immunity to horrible grandmother's vile comments?

[HerBeatitude]

Here's an example: yesterday, DD 8, got all dressed up for carol service at local church, my mother was taking her. She wore her new velvet sequinned skirt, couldn't find a suitable top to go with it so borrowed one of mine, was all blinged up and sequinned and feeling fab. One minute she was dancing around looking forward to the carol service, next she came running up the stairs crying, saying she didn't want to go because Nanny had said she looked ridiculous and silly.

It upset her for about half an hour and just as she'd calmed down about it, once again my mother made some fucking stupid unnecesary remark which set her off again. She ended up changing outfits because my awful mother had made her feel so bad. And she'd felt beautiful an hour before.

I didn't even feel angry about it because I'm so used to this sort of mindless cruelty from my mother. Cutting her out of my life isn't an option, making her stop is never going to happen, so what can I do to make sure that my DD develops the same immunity it took me 42 years to develop to this shit?

Why can't you protect your dd from this?

I don't know. MIL always feels she has to take everyone down a peg or two as well. I don't think it's actually meant maliciously, but is rather the first "witty" thing that comes into her head.

You can probably teach DD to understand that Nanny says silly things and not to take them personally... My boys are old enough to do internal eye rolling (9 and 11)...

Tell her to ignore her grans horrid remarks - say this infront of your mother

What do you mean why can't I protect her from this? That's what this thread is about: I'm asking for advice on how to ensure that she doesn't care about what this woman says.

I tend to surreptitiously catch DS1's eye when MIL is saying something typical... He knows not to react, but also not to take it to heart...

Well, I don't think she can.

You said yourself it took you donkey's years to be able to learn to cope.

I don't think a young child is able to compute that something an adult says can be disregarded.

Unless you tell your mother in front of your dd when she says something cruel like this.

I think that is what you should do. Why should this poisonous woman make you feel like crap, and then carry on and do the same to your daughter?

It's not the child's responsibility to deal with it though - it's your responsibility to protect her from damaging behaviour.

Hmm, yes I have told her that Nanny often says stupid things because she can't help it as she's a bit mad, blucardi, but haven't actually said that in front of her, mostly because I know there is no point confronting her about it.

Though yesterday, when she upset her a second time, I asked her wtf she thought she was doing upsetting a child about something that essentially doesn't actually matter - what clothes she was wearing. It was the sort of outfit my mother doesn't like and for some reason she gives a shit.

Does she mean it? As I say, my MIL doesn't mean to be hurtful (I think...)
But if she actually IS being spiteful then yes, agree that you should say in front of her "Don't listen to Nanny's nasty remarks..."
What did your mother say when DD got upset?

Honestly, stand up to the woman. Why is cutting her out of your life not an option? She sounds poisonous.

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I really feel for you. You seem too scared to tell your mother about the cruelty that you suffered and make a stand, and now your daughter has to suffer the same that you did.

You say you can't cut out a 'mindlessly cruel' person from your daughter's life. Is there no way you could find the strength to do so?

I think you need to operate a zero tolerance attitude with your mother.

Don't get upset or confrontational - but every time she says something out of order, say - in front of dd - 'mum that is out of order, don't say that, I don't like it and nor does dd, you are being spiteful'

Keep saying it - your mother may not change but your daughter will know that you didn't just let your mum say these things without you fighting her corner.

Mind you, I would probably leg it out of her life until she learned to behave, frankly.

Her next remark should be.."sadly you are too old to understand fashion anymore Nanna...this is cutting edge...we can't all live in a tabbard"

Sorry not being flippant, my mum is a complete cow and I had to cut her out of my life for risk of her rubbing off on my son's life too.

Nothing was ever good enough...she remarked on me marrying someone's left overs (a divorcee) when she left my father for a man 5 years older than me....

I would have a quiet word with threatening undertones...make MY daughter cry again and it'll be the last time you see her....say it with a smile on your face to confuse her and walk away before she can harp a reply.It obviously still irks you so why let her infect your DS with the same poison?

Why can't I fuck her off?

Because she is the only grandparent the kids have, in effect (they do have another one but never see her). Most of the time, she spoils them and adores them and my DS at 11 has learned how to handle her. He just ignores her and tells her she's being mad when she gets on his nerves. DD seems a bit more sensitive to it, though yesterday she told her that she didn't like her clothes either, but wasn't rude enough to comment on it.

Mother went from claiming that she was only joking, to telling me that I'd have trouble with DD when she's a teenager.

If it's taken over 40 years for you to deal with it the chances are it will take your dd 40 years too. Unless you do something about it. Not your 8yr old dd. You can't change your mum but you can start to protect your daughter from her heartless, nasty omments.

Good Luck, she sounds a right charmer!!

I think it's really odd that 'Cutting her out of my life isn't an option, making her stop is never going to happen'.

I would not tolerate ANYONE treating my child in that way. Why are you in her clutches like this at the cost of your daughter??