When you fall in love with someone else.......

[itspuzzling]

Any advice/experience much appreciated - I have so many questions and would appreciate any answers:
Wht do you do when you fall in love with someone other than your dh? I don't just mean fancying, or having sexual feelings about, I mean feeling like someone other than your dh absolutely gets you? Someone who you've known for quite a while in a friendly capacity and who you've spent time with (in a friendly capacity) and you just cannot deny your feelings?

But - to make things more complicated - what if your dh is the man who you GREW to love, who wasn't ever somebody who absolutely made your heart leap, but someone who, if I'm absolutely honest, was safe and loving and always there? And, your feelings for this other guy just highlights the lack of 'spark' between you?

What if you always been able to appreciate this, because, actually, your'e a very down to earth, practical person, BUT are finding it hard to deal with all of the other feelings? Also, being a very down to earth person, you don't necessarily for one minute, think that life will be happy ever after with the other person (because life just isn't like that) and actually, is not quite sure that you would want to jump into any other relationship and is starting to feel that actually, you should be alone, rather than staying in the relationship with dh? What should you do if you know that you look upon dh as a co-parent/friend, but someone who you struggle to be intimate with?

Okay - all of the above is me, obviously. I have written it like this, because these are just some of the questions floating around my head and tearing me apart. I am in my mid thirties, me and dh have been together 11 years and we have one dc aged 9. My dh is a wonderful person, we have had ups and downs (like so many couples) and I have always known that it wasn't love at first sight. As I've said, I do not think for one minute, that my feelings for the other person will lead to a happy ending. I also know that I can take steps to hopefully eradicate these feelings, and can choose to focus on dh. I guess what I'm asking is that if I have feelings like this for someone else, is it healthy/fair to stay with dh? Doesn't it just highlight the nature of our relationship? Am I living a lie? Please help.

[Flojo1979]

Hi
So many unanswered questions in your mind but thats the way things are, most ppl have them, and most ppl have exactly the same ones as u. We all have doubts, the spark isnt always there, or if it is its only there in the honeymoon period. U sound so lucky, a wonderful husband. Just remember the grass is always greener on the other side til u get there. If it was me, I'd focus on my husband and push the doubts aside.
Hope this helps!!
Jo

[thatsnotmyfruitshoot]

I think you can love differently with different people. It's difficult to know how any relationship will pan out until you've been in it a while. What might seem amazing from a distance, might be very different once you're actually there.

I wouldn't do anything for the moment, except maybe go and have some counselling to try and clear your head. Don't act on a crush, which might be clouding your feelings for your DH. However, if you still feel this way some months down the line, it might be best that you do separate. Is your DH happy?

[itspuzzling]

The problem is that I've felt like this for about 2 and a half years concerning the other man. I've pushed and pushed it away and have such a busy life, that I've tried to force it out of my life. I an aware that it might seem 'bigger' because i am obviously married, which makes it so wrong and annoying and silly!

It almost feels like if I were single with these feelings I could kind of deal with them, whereas, as I'm married with these feelings, I feel deceitful and quite honestly, that my heart isn't in it.

DH has some idea abouy how I feel (not specifically about this other person), but he senses I am not happy.

[perfumedlife]

The question is, if this other man wasn't around, would you still be happy to stay married to your dh? I know its hard to think that way as it isn't the case, but if things were just cruising along, with no distractions, do you think you would try to make it work with dh?

[SeveredArmbow]

I think that you should not leave a relationship with children just because you prefer someone else. Your dh sounds dependable and a good man.

you say you have grown to love you dh - this would suggest to me that maybe you chose to marry him with your head and not your heart? - this is not a bad thing but to leave him because of your heart would be a bit unfair in my estimation. You say you love him, don't be fooled by butterflies and feelings for someone else in time these fade.

please try and see your dh for all his good points.

i am speaking as someone whose h left for the butterflies with someone else btw.

[SeveredArmbow]

"my heart just isn't in it"
this is word for word what my h said to be when he left.

you say you have tried to keep busy in order to try and get rid of these feelings - i think you need to get to the root cause of all this, distraction is obviously not helping.

[itspuzzling]

perfumedlife would I stay with dh if I didn't have feelings for someone else? That is so hard to answer, possibly yes, at the moment, but I would do that I think, because it would be the 'right' thing in my mindset. However, I can't say for certain that I would.

SeveredArmbow I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. Your post is interesting - I probably did marry with my head, not my heart. You then say that 'I need to get to the root cause of this'. My concern is, that the 'root cause' is that I simply don't love dh as I should, and, marrying with my head is possibly what I should not have done iyswim. As I've said, I don't for one minute think that I would swan into another fantastic life, either single or with this other person. In fact, I'm sure it would take me many months to get myself back on track again.

When you say 'root cause' do you mean something that has maybe stemmed from my past or something else that has caused me to feel this way?

[SeveredArmbow]

by root cause i would first look at what was happening in your life when you first started to get feelings for this man - was there anything going on work/family problems that could have triggered this reaction?

[itspuzzling]

Looking back, I did suffer the loss of my brother (he died after a long illness) about 3 years ago. Could something like this trigger such feelings? Dh was very supportive, but did find it hard to 'know' what to do. I didn't expect him to know how to handle it, but he wanted to be able to fix it and I told him that he couldn't. It was something I had to deal with myself. To be honest, this experience did/has made me a far emotionally stronger person and I feel far more emotionally independent.

My other thought on all this is that I wonder whether I have feelings for this other person because things aren't right with dh and not the other way round (that is, having feelings for this other person is making things wrong for me and dh). Throughout our ten year relationship we have had some very good times, but, there have been many times when I've doubted my feelings for him. The fact that I cannot envisage life with this other man to me points to the fact that perhaps neither men are 'right' for me? Does that make sense?

[expatinscotland]

Sounds like a recipe for a really ridiculous novel.

On the Planet Maturia, you don't 'fall' in love with anyone and then can't deny your feelings. This is what carefree teens do in high school.

As an adult, you make a decision to be the bigger person and step away from situations like this because in real life, people you chose to be with and create can get really damaged forever by your selfishly indulging in your adolescent side under the pretext of its being fair on everyone.

Grow up.

[expatinscotland]

Get some therapy then, stop indulging your own feelings so much and get something else more positive to focus on than acting a fool.

You have a son now.

[merrywidow]

My H died (difficult relationship).

I met the love of my life/the one/whatever you want to call it more than 20 years ago. We both held off because neither of us was in a position to do anything about it. The wait was sometimes difficult- I knew I wanted to be with him. We never entered into a sexual relationship during that time. Finally we are together

[itspuzzling]

Well expat, I posted for advice and appreciate everyone's opinion. I don't think this is the stuff of a ridiculous novel because I don't live in cloud cuckoo land and know that there are implications and consequences whatever choices are made.

I have always been a person to get on with things. My life is absolutely full - I obviously bring up our child, have a decent social life and some hobbies, a close family and a very good full time job and am studying for further qualifications. I have stepped away from this - for goodness sake - if I hadn't then something would have happened months ago. However, you are entitled to speak your mind, so thank you for your post.

merrywidow - I'm glad you have had a happy ending.

[ouchthatssore]

I think a lot of people develop feelings for someone else at some time in their marriage. It's not really surprising if you are with someone for years. And many of them jump to the conclusion that their feelings for the other person must mean that there is something wrong with their spouse/their spouse is wrong for them.

I don't think it means that your DH is wrong for you. It doesn't really sound as if your marriage is unhappy or that this other man is all that amazing. I think it might mean you are evaluating your life, and thinking "is this it?" and part of that is wondering whether a different choice of spouse would have been better. We all wonder this from time to time. The difference is in how you deal with it.

The best way to deal with it, IMO, is to imagine you have already made the decision not to leave your DH and not to do anything with the other man. (Which, really, is the decision you already made when you married DH).

That means: not spending time with, or thinking about, the other man; not focusing on his good qualities, but instead focusing on your DH's good qualities (which the OM may not share); focusing on what is great about your current life and what and who you stand to lose/hurt; doing whatever you can to fall more in love with your DH.

Of these, I think the main point is not spending time with, or thinking about, the other man. It's amazing how quickly feelings can disappear if you just don't see or think about someone for a long time. As expat says (rather more concisely) - step away.

[merrywidow]

I think my feet have always been firmly on the ground and I do believe in true love. I know that I will never love another man as I do this man. Sorry I guess its not very helpful; just my story.

[clam]

Is this OM married/with someone? Does he have children? Does he know how you feel?

[perfumedlife]

op I married with my head, but also with my heart. I went through a life changing experience four years ago and also lost my brother and my best friend, both early forties. I felt the way you do. I think I was re-evaluating everything and wanting to go back to more innocent times, to step off the world for a while.

What i did was go on a cruise, alone. I read books, met great people, saw some wonderful sights, and surprising to me, really missed my dh and my life at home. I loved that he wanted me to take that time for myself. It did me, and us, the world of good. I looked, and found my life was as it should be.

The loss of your brother may have destabilised you. And of course the butterflies come and go with love, thank god too. Can you imagine living in a constant state of dizzy nausea?

Can you take some time out for yourself, just to see how you feel without your dh? Not separate, just a weekend or something?

I am a romantic, but I know the most romantic thing in my life is knowing the depth of feelings in my marriage. Marriages can be tested. This sounds like yours. Take your time and be sure. If not for you, for your son and dh x

[itspuzzling]

No, not married, has been but not now. Has a grown up son.

He knows how I feel and he has strong feelings for me but backed off at my request.
He is respectful of my marriage and has not made any comment about ending my relationship.

However I don't envisage a relationship for several reasons - I couldn't imagine going into a new relationship due to dc - if I did, it would be months and months down the line. I just think it would be too much. This man also spends some long periods away from home due to work. He would give this up I think if the situation were different, such as me being single when we met. But, even if dh and I do separate, I don't think that I would be emotionally ready for anything else and for him, it would be all or nothing. I'm not 100% sure I would risk giving my 'all' again in the near future. I would want to concentrate on dc and myself to make sure we were both okay.

[itspuzzling]

perfumedlife.

Your post brought tears to my eyes (and thats a rare thing!) The part about 'stepping off the world for a while' sums it up so well. In fact, I frequently feel that I want everything to stop (my job, my responsibilities, just everything you 'have' to do) so I can regroup myself.


I have said to dh that I would love to disppear for a while (that sounds so awful and I know in rl it can't happen) but it might help. He has encouraged to me go away for a weekend, but deep down I feel scared that it will hit me even harder that I'm in the wrong place. I do get some evenings on my own as dh does sometimes go away for a couple of days at at time. I absolutely love my own company and really enjoy the time apart, so I guess this isn't a good indicator?

[phipps]

itspuzzling, check your inbox .

[perfumedlife]

I get lots of time alone, at home. Dh goes away now and again, but he hates it and would happily never leave the house. I love my own company too, and harsh though it sounds, I KNOW that if dh left me I would be fine. I'm very strong, and I don't need company.

Its worth a try. Do some soul searching. How would you feel if your dh told you he was feeling this way, about you? Do you think you would feel devastated?

[proudnscary]

perfumedlife - what a brilliant post.

But so was Expatinscotland's.

There is definitely more than a whiff of Mills and Boon in a lot of your posts OP.

Don't break up your family before really really working through all of your feelings and getting to the bottom of all of this.

And do not for God's sake give yourself permission to shag this other guy while you are married to your husband.

[itspuzzling]

phipps - have replied x

perfumed life - does it bother your husband that you would be less bothered than he is if it ended (and I mean that in the nicest possible way). I ask because dh feels that although we can carry on at the moment like this, he isn't prepared to plod along because he thinks my feelings should be as strong as his.

proudnscary - apologies for the mills and boons stuff. Its worrying because I am seriously so down to earth in many ways - I'm the person who everyone normally comes to with a problem, the level headed one, the stable one, and actually, many of my friends talk about how I'm quite an emotionally hard person. Over the years, when I've had these doubts (and this was before my feelings for the other person), I would literally tell myself off for being so bloody stupid and just get on with life. I don't know whats happened to me.

[merrywidow]

Over the 20 years myself and OM kept each other at arms length, we both knew it had to be all or nothing even though it wasn't said. If we had embarked on a sexual relationship it wouldn't have suited our personalities and would have possibly destroyed something very precious. We were both committed elsewhere. By a sheer stroke of fate we are now able to be together freely. Weirdly, I feel like he is my first BF/first love and I feel that he is the only man with the exception of my father and DS that I have ever loved.

[itspuzzling]

Were you ever tempted to leave dh, merry widow and be with him?

Or, (and, if I split from dh, I can imagine me doing this) being with neither man?