Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?(243 Posts)
DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.
DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.
I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).
I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.
Cory, that's a lovely post. I know we don't always see eye to eye but that's just lovely.
I know you have felt very upset by the worst case scenarios detailled by some posters ("he will want to distance himself from you", "you won't be so close").
But there is another type of scenario to think about too:
My mother made a very conscious effort to let me have my freedom. She let me try water sports, skating on the lake, being out an about on my own.
When I went on a foreign language trip, she saw me off- and did not cry until she had turned the corner.
When I went to university she made herself only ring me once a week, at a pre-arranged time, and made it very clear that she understood that I might not be in.
She is now in her 80s, we are still very close and I can think of those years with a warm happy glow, because she never made me feel guilty about growing up.
Growing up was inevitable but she made it easy.
That is something you and your son can have.
She makes good cakes, too
JustFab I only really know you from your posts about your cat. Forgive me if I have got the wrong poster but I seem to remember stuff about Fabcat?
Please, please, please do not be upset by anything said on this thread, everyone, I am sure, is on your side. You always come across as completely lovely (disclaimer - I am not). The stuff you are feeling, and posting about, is so huge that maybe this is not the best place.
I have been randomly (shit, is that a word?) upset by responses to stuff people have said on here, until I have taken a step back and realised that they have so got the wrong end of whatever shitty stick I have thrown into the cauldron.
Take heart my dear, your concerns underline what a fab mum you are, and you are doing just fine, bumbling along like the rest of us.
Op I just wanted to say please don't be hurt by the people on here diagnosing you on the Internet. They don't know anything other than what you've written here and I don't read it the way they do. Just their personal opinions.
The most important thing is that you love your children and all any of us need to be is a 'good enough' parent, not perfect parents.
I hope you are doing something nice this evening with a and some
I think that you could do with seeing a counsellor-it would be a huge help to you to discuss your childhood and get it into perspective.
Parenting is hard, it is the one job where you aim to make yourself redundant! The thing to bear in mind is that you give them roots and give them wings. If you do it well you always have a good relationship because they want to spend time with you and not because they feel responsible for you and worried about you.
'Letting go' is the hardest part of parenting IMO-everyone wants to protect. When I was in my 30's, and going through a tough time, my mother said that she just wanted to wrap me in cotton wool! While I understand that- it was distinctly irritating at the time! I was trying to explain that you only learn by your own mistakes-and you can't do it through your mother!
OP have you looked into Borderline Personality Disorder?
You CANNOT keep blaming your childhood on your behaviour. You are an adult. You have a choice.
I think you should speak to a counsellor.
This will be having a huge effect on your children, whether your intentions are good or not.
I worry for you OP. I worry that you have immersed your whole self into being a mum and wife, to the point where you don't know who you are anymore and you are using your DC to fulfil your emotional needs by gauging how.worthy you are as a person based on how much love and appreciation your DC show you.
I worry that you see any independence your DC or your DH exercise as a direct rejection of you as a person, if that involves your DC or your DH not needing you for anything you want to feel needed by them for.
I worry that in what feels like no time at all, your DC will be fully independent adults and rather than feel proud and ready to bark on the next chapter of your life, you will cling to your DC well into their adulthood because when the time comes that they no longer need you in the way you want to be needed. . . . . where will that leave you?
I worry you have invested so much of yourself in your DC, and need your DC to fulfill your emotional needs so much that you will find it impossible to ever let your DC become independent adults.
Honestly OP, how are you going to feel when your DC reach 18 and you don't have access to their every movement, how will you satisfy your need to show you care if your DC refuse your offers of help, your offers of helping?
l fear you are going to feel so rejected, and therefore so much a failure that you will cling on even tighter and your DC will feel they have to let you do whatever you need to so you don't feel rejected.
As I said earlier, this is all about you OP.
Children are never meant to remain childlike and in need of guidance and help as children do forever. Your DS is beginning to show signs of independence which is a great thing, but to you, it is a great loss and I fear you will fight it all the way, by whatever means you can, to get your needs met.
I believe you found the baby stage easier. When is a person more needy and dependent than when they are babies?
By always referring to your awful childhood, it's almost as if you are saying you can't change anything because who you are has already been carved in stone.
I think it would certainly make your life a lot easier if your DC didn't show desires to be independent, and remained needy and dependent for as long as you need them too.
Just, I would be upset too at some of the comments on here - even constructive criticism can be hard to read. Especially if you are a sensitive worrier! You have to remember that people are trying up help. None of them are saying they are perfect parents and if you saw their parenting or mine you would probably see a few things we could all do better.
Fwiw I think there are many mothers who worry and that many mums throw themselves completely into their kids.
No need for you to feel everything is wrong - maybe just give yourself a little more time now your dc are growing a bit more independent and try not to worry so much. I've found yoga a massive help - the relaxation is great.
My dm (rightly in my view) considers her upbringing as the main source of her anxiety. It's ok to analyse the reasons for things, as long as we also try to change the things that need improving.
Growing up takes a lifetime and I for one am still learning so much!
(X-post with the above)
With all due respect I think you're right.
There honestly isn't any point in asking for advice if you know in advance you won't take any of it.
Lots of people have spent time trying to help you on this thread. That last post by pag for example was very personal and must have been difficult for her to post. I don't think it's fair to be as dismissive of it as you were.
In all honesty your posts make you sound as if you are so completely entrenched in the victim persona you have created for yourself that you find it impossible to think any other way.
Until that mindset changes I'm afraid I don't see how anyone on here can help you.
I hope at some point you can re-read all the posts on this thread and see them in the way they are intended.
I think you do have a problem with seeing criticism where there is none and seeking to defend yourself rather than listen to advice which is honestly given.
I would genuinely wish to help you. I think you are sincere and loving mum. I just think you are destined to spend all your time seeing everything in your life as insurrmountable when your problems are shared by so many on here.
You walk away from good kind women offering you there time because they want to help.
You are so determined that your problems are so much harder, your struggle is unique, no one understands.
You are pushing away advice that could help enormously and I don't really understand it to be honest.
In a fight between my ego and my children's happiness you can say anything to me, I would rather correct my issues and be happy then endlessly hang on to the idea that it is all just too hard.
I posted a response but tbh I feel it won't get me anywhere. I have always had a problem when asking for advice and explaining why I feel the way I do and do what I do. It is why I have stopped posting anything personal at all or asking for advice.
Maybe I just can't take criticism. It just hurts to get it when I did what I did because I thought that was what a good mum did since I never had a mum to show me.
I have to go now. It really is time for a break when I get quizzed as to why I haven't answered every single point raised. Maybe I just didn't have anything to say!
ooo make that 11 <slow cold fingers>
Fab ... those last ten posts are really very powerful. In my opinion, which is just one of thousands you could listen to, they sum up the foundation of being human which will help you with the move from parenting primary school to secondary school.
If I were you I would stop and read them. Work out what they meant to me and how they make me feel. Then I'd have a go at building a small plan to do something about those feelings and issues. Just to move forward.
I have to echo pag there. Why have you just focused on one sentence from the last 2 posts? Do you not see how counter productive that is?
I am sure ou are not. But you are not really modelling a full, exciting fun filled life for your children either.
Are you seeing whati am saying as criticisms to defend rather than my sharing a very difficult time in my life to try and help you see a more positive way to move forward? Because it is quite hard to endlessly have everything you suggest dismissed.
If life is full and peachy, what are you asking for here ?
I assumed my childhood made me the person I am as I didn't have parents to mould me so I am a product of life rather than them iyswim.
I am not miserable, lonely or martyrish in my parenting beyond the odd day when I feel alone as I have no family and being annoyed that sometimes they won't help.
I think that Littlemisssarcastic raises a good point.
When I was going through a particularly bad patch following ds2s diagnosis I threw myself 100% into trying to help him and to make life easier for DS1.
What I forgot in my earnest and sincere desire to give everything of myself in order to make their days easier, was that we are teaching our children what life is about via the lives we lead.
So I was teaching my children that they will grow up, have children and become adults who seem to have no fun, no joy, no hobbies and friendship. They will be alone and selfless.
What a fucking miserable example I was.
So I stopped giving everything. I started to make sure we had friends and family around, that I occasionally said - 'sorry boys, I am going out'
I want them to see adult life as a balance between joy and responsibility. To see parenting them as something that makes me happy.
I realised I was teaching my children that their existence made me miserable, lonely and a martyr.
It really wasn't good for any of us.
I always listen to my children.
IMO fab I think you need to move away from the reasoning that you are as you are because of your childhood and perhaps accept that it's just your personality type.
I think if you just think about it in simple terms of "crikey, I'm such a worry wart, I need to sort that out", instead of "gosh, I find this so hard because....." , it wouldn't feel like such a big deal.
What timetosmile said is a brilliant idea, I think if would be a revelation for both of you, but only if you really listen to what he says.
The only thing I can think of that is just mine is I make cards and have a long term friend that I write too. We were pen pals for years and then met. I love to bake but I do that for the DCs. I used to volunteer at school but not since we had to take the children out of that school. I haven't worked since I had DC1. DH and I get very little time together. The best thing we do together is to sit together and watch stuff like Bones, CSI, etc. We don't go out together very often at all and never in the evenings (babysitter won't drive in the dark.)
OP, I mean this in the kindest possible way, but do you have anything in your life that is yours and yours alone? A hobby? Friends who are not connected to your DC? A career?
Are you a SAHM who finds your life is so full of caring for your DC that there is nothing left for you?
Do you share things with your DH which your DC are not involved in?
Or is there no time for that?
OP, my PFB is just a few months older than you, and I do feel your pain!
There's a lot of good advice already on this thread so I will only add a couple of things...a book that hugely helped me was 'Teenagers' by Rob Parsons and I'd really recommend you get a copy..he's also involved with a charity called 'Care for the family' and they have a website with lots of useful advice on.
A question which I found amazingly helpful (though you have to be prepared for the answer!) was,
'Now you're growing up, I don't want to embarrass you or fuss about stuff if I can help it...what do I do that annoys you?'
I was amazed at some of the things he said, like don't hassle me about getting ready on time if the morning, but if I'm not ready then its OK for you to punish me..just stop hovering! and "I don't mind you giving me a hug when my friends are around, but not the 'smacky noise' kiss on the top of my head - that's just for home"
And it meant we could talk about why I wanted him to text me at a certain time to see that he was ok/safe, rather than just me snooping.
It just helped to oil the wheels of the relationship a bit. x
JustFab Of course you want to keep them safe, but what Tants said is so true, you have to equip them to face the world without you, hard as that seems.
And don't forget, you suffered terribly as a child, but you survived. You will have passed on your strength to your DCs, plus they know they are loved and cherished - a fabulous combination
I am sure they know they are loved.
But IMO part of looking after them is equipping them with the skills to look after themselves.Its bloody hard. Secondary school is the hardest time, thats when you really do have to let go a bit because they go to school with friends, go out at the weekend, do clubs etc.
And you dont know their friends like at primary school. I think in primary you tend to organise their social lives, but in secondary, you have to trust that they are more or less sensible and teach them what to do in an emergency, without worrying them.
You have to kind of wave them off with a cheery smile and then spend the next 4 hours wondering if they are ok.
The only thing i can say is the more you do it, the easier it gets. Until they get to 14 and want to go to parties that finish at 1am. But thats a whole other thread
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