Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

(243 Posts)
JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 08:05:08

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 08:07:06

He is 11.10.

seeker Mon 21-Jan-13 08:07:33

How old is he?

Sometimes I embarrass my DS1 (nearly 13) by my very existence, especially if his friends are in the vicinity. That's normal. If I were to walk with him to the bus-stop, it would seem to him like some sort of cruel and unusual punishment, and he would wonder what on earth he had done to deserve it.

When we do have to walk somewhere as a family, he walks slightly apart from us. I just find it hilarious. When it's just us, at home, he is still very affectionate.

ubik Mon 21-Jan-13 08:12:04

He needs you to help him be independent. He's growing up , you have to let him.

I'd save battles for when you really think he could come to harm.

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 08:13:39

I guess he wants independence and loves being out in the world alone and getting time in the house alone, but this was about his safety and something I wanted to do. How on Earth do I stop worrying about him and wanting to protect and lool after him all the time, as clearly he is all grown up now?

ThingummyBob Mon 21-Jan-13 08:15:55

ThreeBee, myy dd (12) does the weird walking away from us thing too shock Usually I just up the stakes in terms of embarrassing her if she is being annoying grin

OP, its normal behaviour. I have to agree re walking to a bus stop to check he gets on ok. If he is sensible enough to get the bus alone I'm sure he is perfectly ok to wait on his own and imo most dcs this age would be mortified if a parent walked them there for no apparent reason.

Cut him some slack (as far as you trust your parental judgement of course) and let him come to you... he will eventually grin

ClaudiaSchiffer Mon 21-Jan-13 08:17:46

Oh goodness op stop being so suffocating.

I know he's your baby blah blah blah but really try to loosen the apron strings a little.

You'll never stop loving or wanting to protect him, but you really really need to trust him to be ok.

Last year the road was icy. I was walking the dog with DS1 (13)
He slipped on the ice so I reached over and caught him.

Do you know what he said?

"Mum don't do that. Someone might see"

So falling over on ice is better than mum holding on to your arm to catch you.

He also walks about 4 paces behind us when we are out together. With headphones in his ears.

When I ring him when he is with his friends he grunts rather than speaks.

However, he loves me. He still kisses me goodnight, he talks to me about stuff at school, he appreciates the fact I go to every football game he plays
But he would rather fall over and break his leg than have me walk him to the bus stop.

CabbageLeaves Mon 21-Jan-13 08:21:58

I think you know the problem...and the answer. You just need to do it. Consciously do it (unless you want to drive him away?)

Pourquoimoi Mon 21-Jan-13 08:24:57

OP - it is entirely normal. My DS (12) would be mortified if I walked him to the bus stop. Sorry but I think you're being over sensitive.

It takes a lot of adjusting for us parents as well as the kids at this stage but you need to let him go a little, he has to grow up massively at the moment and needs you to support him in doing that. To be honest it's not about what we want to do (walk to the bus stop) but what works for them to slowly grow and also fit in with their peers. You walking him to the bus stop would have made people take the mick, I can see that.

Sorry if I seem a bit harsh but it seems you're struggling to adjust to him growing up into a 'proper' person and no longer a child. I am a bit shock you decided not to say bye because you were annoyed. Remember that the strops etc are very rarely personal, they really aren't - hard as it is you need to understand that. I remember hating my parents at times when I was a teen, they were absolutely fine in retrospect!

Good luck smile

Snazzynewyear Mon 21-Jan-13 08:24:58

In terms of safety, though, he does this by himself usually. If he did fall, he would probably just bruise but get up and keep walking. I don't think this was an instance to create a battle over, sorry.

I'd agree this sounds perfectly normal.
I was a bit tearful at sending DS out this morning in the dark to get to school, but the only difference was a few inches of snow on the ground! You have to have some confidence in him and his abilities.
I do know how you feel though.

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 08:26:25

Ouch, Claudia. That hurt. I am so not suffocating.

No idea why I am now tearing up blush. Oh crap.

Theas18 Mon 21-Jan-13 08:29:18

This is a year 7 child who normally gets the bus and because it's snowy you want to walk him to the bus in case he falls over or the bus doesn't come??

Agree you need to let him grow up and grow up a bit yourself! You are " pretty upset" because you've decided you need to cotton wool him after letting him have s bit of independence normally and he reacts?

Start "risk assessing" and looking at it from his POV with you being the adult here. Worse case - he falls AND the bus is late- he gets cold and wet. Hardly a " risky" situation needing adult helicopter parenting. Yes he might break a wrist but it's actually not likely and he has a phone .

He's also been at secondary a term and he's still texting you to say he's on the bus? Maybe yes today I might ask them to do that, but I'd say that was a OTT.

Stop taking umbrage about silly things and look at how you are, with all the love you have, going to get this child, in baby steps from nearly 12, through to age 16, when he needs to have a whole load of independence skills under his belt that he's only going to get by you allowing him to take those baby steps in order to learn the bigger things slowly. Stopping him acquiring skills insn't loving, it's smothering.

BellaVita Mon 21-Jan-13 08:32:38

It sounds like you are suffocating though just like me this morning grin - I suggested that DS1 (15) wear wellies to the bus stop and take his school shoes in his bag (all last week they had to be dried in the airing cupboard each evening after school), DS2 is ok as he has walking boots that have recently been bought for his skiing holiday in the Feb half term. DS1 went in his trainers instead with shoes in his bag... I bet he hasn't thought to put a pair of socks in his bag to put on with his dry shoes...

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 21-Jan-13 08:34:06

Thing is, you're the grown up and it's your job not to let them see you're upset or sulk when they're trying to act like any normal kid their age.
So the response is 'ok then, have a good day - 'bye! and don't blame me if you twist your ankle - not visibly being in a huff.
It was really mature of him to text you to say he'd arrived, tbh - not many would remember or bother and that's also fine.

Theas18 Mon 21-Jan-13 08:34:17

BTW they don't stop loving you just because they grow up. My 13yr old is as snuggly as ever at home and manly hugs from my 17yr old are the best .

BellaVita Mon 21-Jan-13 08:38:00

And yes, it is completely normal.

Mine get the bus too and if it does not turn up in bad weather after the kids have waited 20 mins then they are allowed to come home (Wed, Thur, Fri DH and I would have already left) so we have to trust them that they wait for the allotted time etc.

AbbyCat Mon 21-Jan-13 08:38:37

I think it's very normal and particularly important stage of boys development to want to be seen as separate from their mums. I don't think it's as much a case with their dads or with girls. All to do with wanting to seem more manly and less kiddy.

JustFabulous Mon 21-Jan-13 08:42:48

He refused to wear his wellies but let us think he had. Same as with his coat most days.

I just want to be a good mum and take care of him. I never had that and it upsets me as I am getting it wrong even when I am trying.

We have compromised over the texting. He just texts once he is at school now but with the snow I wanted to know the bus had come too. It is too far for him to walk to school but he thinks he could do it.

Hard to be criticised when I am trying my best.

Theas18 Mon 21-Jan-13 08:47:18

Just fab don't beat yourself up!

re the coat and wellies. My just 17yr old made me take him to get a warm coat on Fri (hes has hoody type ones that normally are what he wears under his blazer then off at school, also a waterproof for really wet weather) but never wore a proper coat. He now has one that he likes (and wasn't too spendy) that he will apparently wear.

He also actually (swoon!) worse wellies on Friday- I would have bet that he wouldn't have done! so they do get round to looking at the practical side of things too...

ShotgunNotDoingThePans Mon 21-Jan-13 08:47:34

Well if the bus hadn't come what would have happened? He'd have walked back, maybe texted to say so (I suspect he would actually), and all's fine and well.

BellaVita Mon 21-Jan-13 08:48:28

You are not being a bad mum though for letting them just get on with it.

Rather than tell them they have to do xyz, say "it might be wise if you did this or you might find it easier this way" and let them choose.

Mine don't wear coats either unless it is really cold, they just wear zip up hoodies. If they want to be cold then so be it.

The texting thing though, I would knock that one on the head.

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