feeling very low!

[bumbly]

it may seem trivial to so many here so apologies but I can't help it..

have had a pretty up and down preg with various problems and now am entering the home straight ie the third trimester

one thing i have been looking forward to (and I am not normally a shopper girlie girl) is to shop for the new arrival to take my mind off all my worries as well..but also cuz i believe it is totally natural to want to buy new cute baby clothes for your arrival

however my mother in law keeps telling me over and over and over again that i shouldn't be buying anything...
that i will get loads from others.

i don't have many friends as all (4 close ones) are abroad and thus have no idea whom she is on about.

sure i may get "some" clothes from her friends - but surely i need some starter clothes for the hospital..and whatever i get given will be later on...but also i am not the type to wait on others' gifts...i need to prepare now.

...but why would she want to ruin my one fun bit of the pregnancy? why? why is she so against me to buy my own things for my own kid? telling me every time i see/speak to her the same mantra.

anyone else experience the same? i am totally flabbergasted and at a loss for words...

really got me down - as being told this every day!

low! and feeling like my pregnancy is prettty much forever ruined! no joy in it!

[PavlovtheCat]

Bumbly - I am sorry you are feeling so low. How much longer do you have until your LO arrives? Is he/she your first?

I think your MIL's job is to be like this you know! I was told by a million people not to buy anything and all that, and I thought like you, who? why? No-one is that bothered, but we got a reasonable amount, but you are right it was afterwards and we did not know if/how much was coming.

You must go and buy some loverly things for you new arrival. No matter how much stuff you would be given, its lovely to buy some of your own precious cute little things for him/her.

As you said, its your fun and your MIL should just butt out. She wont tho if my MIL is anything to go by. I just ignored her and bought my DD some things anyway...

[PavlovtheCat]

and also, most importantly, congratulations on entereing third trimester!

[Twinklemegan]

Oh dear - you do sound down. Of course you will need some clothes for the hospital, so go get them girl! And yes people do tend to buy clothes for the babe (don't expect anyone to buy you anything!) which is lovely, but I felt a teensy bit sad that for his first 6 months of life all DS's "nice" clothes had been chosen by other people. I only got to choose vests and sleepsuits. And I did feel he had far more "going out" clothes than he really needed. Not that I want to sound ungrateful, people were really kind.

[mumto3girls]

Just ignore her. If you don't want to inform her of your purchases then buy them and don't tell her!

[wrinklytum]

Go and have a splurge!!My hormones went a bit mad when pg and crazy things got me down.A small tip -buy 3-6 months or bigger clothing as people did buy me loads of newborn stuff!!(work colleagues and friends),or maybe she has already bought you loads of stuff?Or just get a few newborn pieces that you really like.Maybe she is just trying to be helpful.Just nod and smile and agree with her and go out and do your own thing.MILs can be a pain at times but she is probably well meaning.

[wishingmummy]

poor you. chin up!!!
you will be amazed at how much stuff yiou will be given after babybirth!!! people always have loads of baby stuff left over beacuse they grow so quickly nad don't wear anything out!! and the things you buy are bought with such love, you feel guilty selling them, and want to pass them on to someone else to love!! even women you don't know that well will give you stuff!! if you want to buy things- buy vest- you can't have enough of them, and buy lovely,lovely things, you want to keep for memories, then pass them on too!!it can be very easy to feel vunerable when preggers- youare full of all these odd hormaones, not sleeping, body inhabited by someone else, antsipation, fear, all of it so overwhelming.mother inlaw, is prob jealous, this is your pregnancy, and your baby.smile sweetly and ignore her.people can be thoughtless, and inlaws do seem to forget that the "womb" carrying their grandchild is a person too. my inlaws didn't even visit us, until i had a baby, then they were like a rash that wouldn't clear up. by the time the second one was born, they'd sort of given up again!!
enjoy your remaining pregnancy, and buy what you want!!! and one word of warning- be firm about visits after the birth, only let them come when you are ready, then go to bed and take that baby with you for a rest- don't let visitors tire you out.

[daydreambeliever]

Dont worry bumbly, It is so pleasurable buying a few things for your new baby and its all part of making the new baby welcome. Just ignore her! I have been fluctuating between my mum, who was sending me pram catalogues at 8 weeks (!) when it was the last thing I wanted to hear about, and my MIL, who was a bit like yours is being. Anyway, am 34 weeks now, bought the pram last week, its so cute i am really excited, and trying to decide what else I need to get.

But really isnt it so nice planning everything...my mind is racing with where will we bath the baby, where will I change it....its so exciting....

Yeah your MIL needs to shut it.

[Lwatkins]

Oh sweetheart for you.

Just don't pay any attention, your MIL is probably saying it with the best of intentions but at the same time sounds like she is maybe trying to control it all a bit. i.e. I know more than you becasue I've done this before, I'm older and wiser than you and do know better etc etc. I'm sure she doesn't mean to be hurtful or upset you in any way. Sounds like a MIL to be honest lol.

I have had great fun buying for my baby, and have been told numerous times that I've gone a bit too wild or that I shouldn't have as family will buy me lots blah blah blah. I always just take it with a pinch of salt and go buy anyway. Yes I may get lots given to me, but it's MY baby, and my firstborn for that matter - why shouldn't I go out and spend spend spend! It's all part of the fun really after all, isn't it?

My big items have been bought for me, pram, cot, moses basket, bouncy chair. But I have really enjoyed buying clothes and stuff as like you, haven't enjoyed my pregnancy. Great fun and all part of the experience.

[Lwatkins]

Only 2 weeks and 6 days left to EDD now too! Then I will no doubt be back on here moaning about the fact that I haven't used half the crap I've bought and I wish I'd listened to my parents lol

[bumbly]

hello everyone

still a bit low - but reading all your messages cheered me up a bit

my MIL has always been so against me to the point of saying for years that I was a quote failure in life unquote becuase i didn't want any kids for 4 years...which wasn't true but she just said that all time becuase I wasn't pregnant....she kept crying and shouting in public places at me at why i wasn't pregnant yet...a nightmare...like talking to a toddler

now that I am pregnant she keeps saying not to buy anything constantly maliciously quite evily and has become of a very stern demeanour (before she was neurotic begging for a babay)

one thread asked me if she was buying things and hence the comment - you would have thought so! but she rang me and said she was so excited as she got me a big a present. she bought me three towels. my in-laws have always been extremely tight (too put it mildly) and said we have to suffer like they did when they first had my partner...no money, no comforts etc etc

so i suspect this is part and parcel the reason why she says don't buy anything. she really wants me to suffer like she did - a bit too freudian for me

but i am pretty much a sensitive girl and don't like it when peopole are nasty to me esp when I have always been polite etc back

but as 99% of you said - MUST do what i want and ignore her...am not good at doing that but you know what I will! and will go and buy some of my own outfits for the little one

one thread was right - you have to buy things that makes you feel it was from mummy and daddy and not from "others"

i am truly worried about "the visits" after the birth cuz whenever we have said we can't see them as busy my MIL starts crying and screaming down the phone that we don't want to see her etc again like a little child - when all in all it was cuz we were truly busy...so god only knows how things will pan out after the birth

imagine a woman stuck in jane austen time..that is my MIL

but my preg is being ruined by her and sometimes feel don't know what to do

[scorpio1]

she sounds very conrolling TBH. sorry she has done this to you at the most precious time of your life

IGNORE HER

this is the only way it will get better. buy stuff for your baby if you want to-thats a fun part!

for the visits after the birth, ring her when you are ready after delivery, and state a time/date she can come. give yourself time to get feeding going, and to feel normalish.if she turns up before, dont let her in.we put a note on our front door saying 'mother and baby fine, we are resting. please phone and we will sort out a visiting time'. everybody respected that.

dont let her spoil this.what is your dp/h doing about her??you are right, it sounds like you need toddler management techniques here!sorry if too straight, but i hate this sort of thing and i know exactly where you are coming from.ignoring is the only way imo.

[sputnik]

Stuff your blimmin MIL sweetie, just go out and buy what you want and have a fab time doing it. No need to even tell her if you don't want.

You may get given stuff, but who knows if it'll be appropriate or you'll like it? If you end up with tonnes of stuff you don't need you can always ebay it.

Harden yourself for MIL interference, it'll probably get worse after the birth Work on your smile sweetly and ingnore technique, it'll come in handy xxx

[bumbly]

how true - if i do get all this mountain of stuff (which i really really really truly doubt as have very small number of friends)..then of course there is ebay! thanx!

my partner (someone asked..) is very scared of his parents and hardly talks to them too and hence they tend to vent their thoughts all on me esp since partner is always out at work...i ignore the phone when they ring - but there is so much you can ignore.....

re the note on the door - i know that my MIL would just barge in and not respect my wishes

few years ago i had an eye and mouth operation simultabeously and she wanted to visit the day i came out - i was pretty much a slobbering wreck and said i'd prefer not to have her over for tea...i was completely mobile but felt "not right"...she started screaming/crying down the phone to my partner and then stopped talking to us for weeks (well that was probably a good thing!) accusing us of not wanting to see her. my FIL is worse as he says nothing and incourages my MIL...so all in a ll a nightmare pair...

so i know a note on the door won't deter her...

[sputnik]

I really feel for you in this situation, she sounds awful tbh, but you mustn't allow yourself to become her victim.

As others have said, ignore her, it's your pregnancy, your baby, and you are the one in control. Keep telling yourself that. Maybe you should even give her a demonstration and tell her all about your shopping trip and exactly what you bought for the baby

I sometimes get pissed off with my MIL (that's quite normal I think) but she is an absolute pussycat in comparison to yours. I've found a quick trawl through some of the many MIL threads on this site is often helpful, you are not alone and you're bound to find someone with a worse MIL than yours!

[foxybrown]

You poor thing, she sounds like she's taking all HER issues out on you.

Thing is, she's going to be around for a long, long time in this baby's life, so I think its really important that its dealt with now. By both you and your partner together.

If she's going to behave badly, tell her that its unacceptable and frankly if she doesn't behave a bit better, then no, she won't be welcome. Of course you need to be very strong and lets face it, we're at our most vulnerable in pg so DP really needs to back you up I think.

You are an adult too and the mother of her grandchild. You deserve her respect. You have as much right to say what you think as she does.

Really, what do you have to lose?

Talk to your MW and see if they have any activities you can join in with, such as pregnancy yoga or ante-natal clubs (the MN AN clubs on here are SO supportive) and get some support for yourself.

The very best of luck with it xxx

[foxybrown]

oh, and the shopping is part of the FUN of preparing for a new arrival - don't let her take that away!

Psychologically, getting all the bits and pieces together has been really important for me in preparing myself too.

[beckmo]

She sounds like SHE needs help!God -I feel for you. Congratulations on teh pregnancy though.

Please go shopping and enjoy it -ignore her. This is your baby and you also need to fulfil those nesting needs. And if you don't you'll end up having to do it when you realise you don't have enough baby grows!

But it sounds like this isn't just about the baby but that she is trying to control all parts of you and your partner's lives which is more worrying as it's going to go on and and on.
Does your partner realise how bad it is making you feel? You need your his back up and support in this one and if she keeps screaming and acting unreasonable support in making sure she takes a backseat in your lifes.

How you do that I'm afraid I have no idea. I've spent the last 2 years cutting both of my parents out of my life completely due to their outrageous behaviour.It doesn't need to be that drastic and painful but likewise you shouldn't have to be putting up with this.

[mumto3girls]

Don't bother with a note on the door then. Just lock the door, draw the curtains and ignore her if she knocks!!

[bumbly]

funny you should say...but am thinking of doing just that!



but one can't live with curtains closed and phones off the hook all the time

am so down and now getting angry with the whole situation..being low turning into anger...

to top it all up - my hospital where am due to give birth was heavily featured in last night's panorama - just saw the recorded programme this morning!!

and i have not been entirely happy with how some things have gone with the handling of my pregnancy at the mo...

argh!!

it doesn't bode well for the delivery as am sure when I go it will be busy as hell and a complete nightmare

what can I do? have no other option as have to got here...

i think i deserve some retail therapy for the little one now!! no matter with the MIL says...but i feel so guilty as "am not supposed to buy anything"....

[sputnik]

Get out the door and head for the shops NOW Bumbly

[scorpio1]

GO THE SHOPS

can you have a home birth? or take a doula in with you? your local childrens centre or sure start may offer free doula services....try them.

and whilst your at the shops get a nice bit of cake too

[foxybrown]

Bumbly, on the back of that programme your hospital care will probably be fantastic as they will be trying so hard to improve and it will be fresh in everyone's mind! Having a birthing plan might help you maintain some control over what happens to you. If you can have a second birthing partner who has been through the process, or a doula even, that can be an enormous support to you and DP.

But for today, you need some positive vibes I think! This is what I think you should do:

Go and buy a small, knitted cardigan for the baby's going home outfit. There's nothing as small and as cute. Then spend the rest of the day stroking it and imagining who's going to fill it and eating chocolate.

I'm 32 weeks and feeling crap, down and bitter (not sure what about exactly) want me to have a word with your MIL? Am just in the mood for putting people straight ....

[westcoaster]

Bumbly - what a nightmare! Think you and DP are going to have to deal with this head-on. Sounds like she's been 'rewarded' for this behaviour for some time - i.e. everyone in the past has let her do it. Just remember this is YOUR child, YOUR pregancy & for you & your DP to enjoy & cherish in any way you see fit. Let those pg hormones rip & let her have it!!! Then go out and buy something beautiful for your baby (& for you too).

Don't forget, you'll have several hundred of us cheering you on, as you lamp her with a steriliser unit...!!!

[riabutterflew]

bumbly. Wish I could help.

You do need to shop for some things cos she'll only get at you again if you have nothing for LO to wear when it's born. I would go for stuff in 0-3months rather than newborn then you'll get some wear out of it.

Can't help with advice, my MIL is a witch but not as bad as yours (luckily they hardly ever visit us so we only see them when we feel like it.) Does your DP/Dh have siblings that you could talk this through with as they might be having the same difficulties? Do you have your parents nearby for a sanity restoring rant after a visit/phonecall?

Maybe the LO will change her attitude?

My MIL was going to buy us a pram and cot for DS1 - he's nearly 101/2 and we're still waiting! Am glad we have my parents.

Come and join the due in June thread!!!

Keep smiling.

[CristinaTheAstonishing]

Your MIL sounds manipulative, all that crying and shouting when she doesn't get her way. I think you will get a lot of strength once your baby is here and you'll see that you aren't a little girl she can manipulate but have to take your own responsibilities seriously and, what's more, you can do it well. For peace of mind till then, I'd buy the things I want but not show them to MIL.

When we had DS 7 years ago I didn't have any close friends in the UK and none of family/UK friends of DH's had young children. I had no idea what to expect but it is true, you get swamped with baby stuff, it's amazing how generous people are around tiny babies. It doesn't last long, though, but your MIL is right in that regard, you'll have plenty. But, so what? You can always pass them on to a chairty shop as they'll be in excellent condition due to little wear. Enjoy your pregancny.