Mumsnet Talk

I don't consider my children my friends, but I know some mothers who see it differently - even for a child as young as 8. My children are 8,6 and 3 and I do appreciate the changing relationship especially with the eldest (dd), but at the moment my feeling is that it should never be a friendship? Thoughts?

why can't it ever be a friendship? <confused>

is this one of those 'I have so many friends but a daughter relatinship is unique' threads?

hmmm I kind of see what you mean

I'm kind of with you, I think as an adult you can have a friendship with your parents but it shouldn't replace/be a substitute for having other friendships too.

When I was growing up, my mother was a parent... Now I'm all grown up (38YO!) she is definitely a friend first and foremost.

I hope to do the same with my DC and my DSC.

Our eldest is 15YO (my DSD1) and she is more of a friend than a daughter now, IYSWIM.

I don't think you can class your kids as friends until your job as a parent is well and truly over.

just MHO

I agree. DS (6) can be a lovely companion (when he's not being a scrote), but friendship implies equality - and it's just not my job to be his equal for years yet!

Plus I hate playing snakes and ladders...

agreed. you cannot be a friend and be a parent its confusing for the child. a parent can do things that a friend does - ie listen, encourage, laugh go to cinema together etc. but theres always the part where you have to be the disciplinarian.

i think doing the 'friend' nice things confuses some parents into thinking they are a friend

the nice bits aren't mutually excusive and being a parent doesn't mean being the disciplinarian all the time

however i am the parent not the friend.

there is no democracy in my home. i try to be easonable - but its definatley do as i say

Depends on your definition of friend really.

Someone you enjoy being around, chat with, joke with, play with, share companionship with.

Yep.

I wouldn't confide in my children about issues with my sex life or something like that, but I have plenty of grown-up friends that I wouldn't do that with!

The dynamics of every friendship are different, but I absolutely do consider them to be my friends by general definition.

I don't think the job of parent is ever over but I see no reason why you can't be a friend and a parent, it is a unique type of friendship and need not be exclusive. Suppose it depends on your definition of freindship but I believe there are many different types of friendship.

Actually, I do consider myself equal to my children. Their feelings matter every bit as much as mine and we have always made joint decisions on big issues like travel, houses etc.

I do have the benefit of experience which I share with them and they respect that. But I don't see myself as more important or superior.

I wouldnt burden my children with my problems, but would hope they would burden me with theirs.
So I gues I want to be a friend to them. Not the other way around?

Emily - I think the parent never stops being a parent but the child no longer needs to be parented, IYSWIM...

I know my mum is still my mum - she's always the one I'm going to turn to when life is a bag of rats but, now (rather than when I was a child), I'm there for her too, when her life is a bag of rats. It's mutual now.

I wouldn't say I'm my daughter's friend as such, I am most definitely in charge not that she always listens, but I have fun with her, rather than just taking her to fun places, or to do fun things like my parents did.

Eg, my parents would watch my brother and I swimming at a great new pool or take us to a theme park and let us go on the rides while they watched, let us listen to music we liked etc, but they'd never join in, or really take an interest.
Once we were old enough to go alone, or they could leave us somewhere, then that's what happened.

Not only am I a younger parent than what mine were, I'm much more fun, and a big kid myself really, I'll play Polly Pockets, or take turns on the DS with DD, share turns on her scooter, dance around to music she/I like, took her to X-Factor live which was for me too really, trolley surf in the supermarket.

I'd like to be her friend when she's grown up and I feel I need to do the groundwork for this now, well since always really.

Kind of. I play with him, have a giggle but I'm there to guide and teach him more so he can go on his way into the world with confidence and understanding of himself and the world around him (bleugh!!)

my dd1 and I like to have coffee together and shopping - but I like my dd1 - not that I don't like my dd2 but dd2 is only 11 and still needs uch more parenting

TROLLEY SURF

I do that too!!!

I know what you mean Hario but having lost my mum I often feel a desperate need to be parented even though for the last ten years our relationship reversed and I became more the parent. Maybe it is my personal experience but I really feel the need to be a parent especially since having my own dc. If that makes any sense.

oops meant feel the need to be parented, already a parent

Emily - I'm sorry you lost your mum.

Ironically, I think it's the thought of losing my mum which has given us the relationship we now have. My mum had cancer when I was very young... I guess it was reasonably touch and go and it def. makes you redefine things.

dd is definitely my little friend... she's 4

but i do agree that you are a parent first and formost and not to get things muddled, you don't want to be so much a friend that they don't respect you, there is a difference between friendship with you the parent and their friends at school

DD tells me off for trolley surfing, and told me to stop standing on the chair at X-Factor and give her back her light sabre. I'm a bigger kid than her at times

I hog the swings at the park too, and she currently has no MP3 player, because I've got it!

well mine are my best friends and i tell them that especially when there maybe a bit of confrontation and we're doing a wee chat after the storm, i think kids need to know there parents are their friends under a certain age, their ability to learn who to trst is based on the parental guidance, how to learn to talk about things , and then later when theyre older they have the skills to pick the people who they want to replace the parents whilst they are teenagers but always knowing at the back of their minds the ir parents are there.

Good points. I also consider myself equal to my son. His opinions matter even now - he's only 2 and a half. And I wouldn't dream of burdening him with my problems, or even let him be aware of them. But I'd like to be a friend to him. My MIL openly states that she wanted children so they could be her friends, but she saw it as a two way street, and when they got older and had friends of their own, she would stake a claim to those friends. This works on some levels, but she is ultimately selfish in this, and when her children, now in their late teens, wanted to go to one particular party WITHOUT her, it caused literally a year of her not speaking to them in return. I might add that my DH is deeply and negatively affected by her attitude. I think you can't expect anything from your child, relationship-wise, as bleak as this might sound. BUT, if you've been a good mum, you will be loved.

I think it depends on personalities, really, doesn't it? And on the definition of friendship. I'd say that my mum is one of my best friends, and always has been. It's not quite the same dynamic that I have with my business partner (another of my best friends) but then there's a difference between that friendship and other friendships that I have.

Children grow up in different ways, too... when they get to the teenage years, for example, some do the angry parent-hating stage which creates distance, and some don't. I didn't. I had my problems, I probably wasn't a joy to live with, but I carried on liking my mum and dad and wanting to spend time with them. I am very much aware that this isn't the case for everyone.

My mum is the first person I tell my problems to, and vice versa. Like I said, I think it's a question of the respective personalities involved.

I don't at the moment, but maybe will more when they grow up. I would consider my mum a kind of friend. While they are still young I am def a parent!

I have to discipline them, and they have to respect me. It's not as open as a friendship, I certainly can't tell them everything, and I know they wont tell me everything netiher!

He is my friend yes, but ultimately i am his mother and while we have a great friendship there are boundaries and I am in charge and do not worry about asserting my authority over him if I need to.

I do not think it is confusing to the child, not if it is done in the right way.

Same attitude as custardo in the end, I do what friends do, because it's all part and parcel of looking after a little person isn't it? But ultimately, I am the parent and I am in charge.