I Don't love my Daughter!(280 Posts)
hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?
I really don't understand why MN don't delete troll threads. If a story is fabricated and massively disturbing/controversial (as this one is) it'll only keep coming up in Google searches from people seeking real help, and getting bumped again and again...
You are very brave admitting this
I agree with people when they say to get help as when she grows up she will resent you for this and it may give her some emotional issues that she feels she wasn't good enough
What has your partner said about this? Its hard to comment when I cant relate at all, my little girl is my world.
I've just read your post and can completely identify with what you say, albeit my particular circumstances are a little different. I had a daughter (she is now 25), and I could not bond with her at all after birth. I had a particularly long labour (3 days) with an emergency C-section performed after my daughter started showing signs of distress. Whilst in hospital recovering from my operation I can recal the feelings of overwhelming resentment; I wished she just wasn't there and didn't want to hold her or feed her at all. I stayed in hospital for a week and during all that time I was happiest when my daughter wasn't near me at all. I performed all the perfunctory duties that a mother should, but at not one point did I feel ANYTHING for this child at all. I felt awful, but had no one to talk to. How could I explain that I felt nothing for this child that had just been born? Who would understand? By the time my daughter was 6 months old, I had unfortunately split up from her father and due to my dire financial circumstances was forced to go and live with my parents as I had no money of my own. This was the worst thing I could ever have done. My mother had always wanted another child and she took this opportunity to monopolise mine, leaving me with even less time to bond. I even found my own mother attempting to breast feed my own baby one night. Disgusting. Still, though, I just had no choice, I had nowhere else to live as my partner gave me no support or living allowance to get by on (despite being a successful accountant in a big firm in the City). Within years of this living arrangement, my mother had successfully manipulated the relationship between herself and my daughter to the extent that whenever I tried to establish "ground rules" and "care" arrangements regarding my daughter I would be told "whilst you are both living under my roof, living on my money, you will both be subject to my rules". I was back again to being the abused child of my past. During an argument one night with my mother I threatened to just walk out with my daughter and leave. Within days, I then received a letter from a firm of solicitors informing me that due to my "irrational demeanour" my mother had been granted a residency and parental responsibility order. Now in the eyes of the law, I had no choice as to where my own daughter lived or to how she was brought up. Once my mother had obtained residency of my daughter things turned from bad to worse and she made my life utter hell. I didn't have any money still but in desperation went to a firm of solicitors in order to try and reverse the court orders. I ran up a debt of thousands of pounds, but was still unable to overturn what had already been put in place as I still had no permanent alternative home in which to bring up my child. After years of abuse at my mothers hands, I decided one day that I just couldn't take it anymore and decided to pack my bags and leave to go and live in a bed sit (which was all I could afford) on the salary that I was earning at the time. Years went by, like this, with me visiting to try and see my daughter with my mother either allowing me access or not, depending on her mood. I thought that when my daughter became of age at 18, things would be different and that I would once again begin to build a relationship with her. Sadly, it's not worked out well. My mothers manipulation runs deep and my daughter believes every lie that my mother has told her (my father being totally complicit in this arrangement). To this day, I wish I had felt differently and had been stronger, but in reflection I was not well myself at the time and just was not strong enough as a person. I'm writing to you as I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I am now in my late 40s and it is has taken until now for me to be able to talk about my trauma and abuse (at the hands of my mother) as a child. I have recently begun therapy and am beginning to realise that my feelings of detachment were a result of childhood trauma. If you want to write back, please do, I'd be happy to chat and offer any support if I can.
You've had so many replies I wonder if you are still reading them all?! I think you need some counselling to try to work out why you haven't bonded with your daughter. Maybe it is to do with the birth, your own relationship with your mum or other females - who knows, but it needs addressing. I appreciate your honesty and courage in admitting this, and realise it must be hard for you - but at the end of the day no child deserves to grow up feeling like the unwanted child. Your daughter may adore your mum and love spending time with her but believe me, when she grows up and becomes a teen she will look at her relationship with you and judge herself and her own self-worth on it. Don't risk a lifetime of eating disorders / depression / delinquent behaviour because she feels unloved by her mother. I can't stress enough how important this is. I hate to say it, but as women we are all defined a little by our relationship with our mothers. I felt criticised by mine and spent my teen years trying to please and obtain praise from her - I became such a perfectionist and I suffered with anorexia for years. However hard it is, I think you need to 'man up' (or the female equivalent) and do your best to take your daughter into your heart. However your feelings for her may differ from that of your sons, never let her see that. Relationships in life need working at, and sometimes mother - child relationships fall into that category. Spend some one on one time with her, find out her interests, do an activity together that you don't do with your sons. Over time you may find your feelings changing and learn to love her as much as your boys.
Wow I'm amazed by your story. Truly gobsmacked.
Whatever your issues I hope this innocent little girl manages (against all odds) to grow into a confident and balanced human being.
what a very sad post, and how very brave of you to put it here.
i think the first thing you should do is go seek professional help regarding this and do it fast, before damage is done that cannot be undone. your darling daughter did not ask to be born, she did not ask to be a girl and she certainly did not ask (nor deserve) to be treated like this. i feel so sad for you as you are missing out and potentially damaging what can be a wonderful relationship/friendship in the future.
what also worries me is the harm this is doing to your sons, with this behaviour are they being shown that a girl/woman is to be disregarded and not thought of, do you think that they may grow up, realise what you have done to their sister and hate you for it, therefore losing 3 children??
please go and seek help before this situation becomes worse.
i wish you, and perhaps more so your daughter, all the luck in the world xx
Your dd is really going to have issues growing up knowing you rejected her but not her brothers. You really need to resolve this.
We feel should alert you to the fact that this is very old thread, and the OP was banned shortly after starting it.
Oh, FFS. Just read through all this and even reported a post (sorry, MN )
Fucking ZOMBIE THREAD
Oh and please don't have anymore children FFs you might end up with another little girl .
Christ how awful for your little girl
All I'm getting from your posts is me me me me me me white noise me me me me me
Disgusting and my heart is breaking for YOUR daughter whom will have psychological and emotional issues through something that is not her fault
Your daughter never wanted to be born in a situation like this! How about thinking about her! I'm sorry if I'm out of line, but you're treating her like she's a step daughter, not living in your home, not having being around her brothers all the time, don't you wonder if they'll grow up seeing her as a 'half' sister? You CANNOT just pick and choose your children! If the girl is at her grans, why not just move the boys there too? At the very least the kids should be all together, or they'll grow up either feeling superior (boys) or inferior (girl) depending on where they lived as a child. The amount of self esteem issues you are opening your daughter and boys up to- depression, suicide, self harm. PLEASE, for the sake of your children, get things sorted.
Old post people. Nesta bumped it from the archives
I haven't read all this but I don't think you should have sent her to her nans in the first place, that wasn't going to solve anything. You need professional help.
I'm stunned! How on earth could you do that to a child?? What is she going to think when she grows up? You chose to have children and were lucky enough to be blessed with happy healthy ones...get over yourself and take responsibility for all of them! Sorry if that sounds harsh but I just can't believe someone would do that!
It has to be that something in your childhood made you think boys deserved more love than girls. I was one of 6 children, 5 boys and me the only girl. My mom favored them over me and now I am treating my daughter with less love and attention, she is 8 yrs old right now and I have been doing this since her brother who will be 7 in a few months was born. I hate myself for loving him more but I'm acting out how I was treated..I know mine is psychological because of the rejection I felt as I was the only daughter. So many people would say if you were the only daughter you must have been spoiled rotten. Quite the opposite..at 16, while still in High School my mom made me get a job in order to support myself while I lived at home still. My brothers were treated like royalty..yes I was resentful. Is that the reason I am rejecting my daughter? Has to be because I know I love her but I have to remind myself to give her as much love and attention as I give to her younger brother.
A very brave post, OP. Takes some guts admitting all that. However, your poor daughter will grow up knowing she is being treated differently and it will cause all sorts of self esteem problems later in life, if it hasn't started already. The least you can do for her is get some professional help and sort yourself out before you ruin her life. You should have done it a lot sooner too, seeing as she is 5 already!
I am saying this as someone whose mother has treated me very differently to my siblings, who she openly adores. I am 40 soon and it still affects me if I let it.
You're right, tiktok - my speculation was perhaps my way of hoping this isn't real. Too sad.
I too think it is possible evita and the OP are the same person but it is also possible they are not. Speculating is no good.
Either way, evita, the thread has some good contacts in it, and telephone numbers to call.
You deserve to share love with your daughter as much as anyone else. But you will need help to find it.
Don't leave things any longer, will you?
I'm new, hi all!
OP and evita122 have very similar writing styles. I think they are the same person and this story is false. Otherwise, how utterly horrific and shameful.
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