I Don't love my Daughter!(280 Posts)
hi, my names Louise, i am 29 and i have a husband who i have been with for over 10 years. i have a 9 year old Son and 3 years ago i had twins, a boy and a girl. I have a situation that i often feel guilty about and i wonder if its normal for this to happen. Basically i love my boys to bits but i do not love my daughter, i never have done. I do care about her and i don't wish any harm towards her but its always been about my boys. When the twins were born I immediately bonded with my second Son but had trouble bonding with my daughter. I totally focused on my newborn son and resented having her around. It got so bad that after 6 months i took her to my mums and left her there. I would see her quite often either when i visited my mum or my mum came to me and i made sure that the boys got to see their sister. i would give my mum money towards her food and clothes and i would make sure everything was ok. I even enjoyed seeing her at times but was always glad to leave her behind afterwards. Earlier this year my mum sat down with me and said that as much as she loved having her live with her she felt that it was time for me to try and bond with her more and suggested that it was time to have her live with me again, i agreed to this so she came to live with me in April. Three months later she went back to live with her nan because it wasn't working at all. Perhaps we didn't give it much time but she missed her nan, her nan missed her, the boys were not used to having a girl around 24/7 and as for me? well i really tried but i just don't love her like i love the boys. So now things are back as they were. She is part of the family and always has been treated as such and i make sure that she sees plenty of her twin brother as its important for them to have a relationship, he sometimes goes and stays over at his nans and they get to spend plenty of time together. So i don't have any concerns there. But its the fact that i don't love my daughter that does sometimes bother me and i do feel bad that i rejected her the way i did and that i took her and left her with my mum. As it happens my mum loves having her and she is a fit and active woman so its not a problem. But why don't i love my daughter like i love my boys? any thoughts/advice? i'm not a bad person am i?
There was a documentary on channel 4 a while ago called "Help Me Love My Baby" - you might be able to find it on their website. It was about mothers who didn't bond with one of their children for various reasons, and the therapy they had to help them get through it. Maybe you would find that useful?
How very sad.
I don't really know what to say.
I think your mum is right, and that you need to address the problems. Sending your daughter to live with her Granny might be working okay, but it's more of an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation, than a solution. I know you say that she is part of the family, and that you don't have any concerns about her relationship with her brother, but I am not sure that she will necessarily see it that way as she grows up.
You say that you do care about her. I think you owe it to her to try harder than three months after three years of not living with you. Limon is right, councelling or therapy might help.
just came on to post exactly what limonchik did! Its still on their website, theres 2 one with 1 baby and one with twins, very good documentaries.
LouLou80, I'm no expert but perhaps the stress of having twins to deal with is a factor? You already have a son so the second one might have seemed 'easier' while the daughter became a complication in your mind. Could PND have been a factor?
FWIW, I don't think you're a bad person at all, but I do think you need to address this. You owe it your daughter and to yourself. Good luck.
What about your DH? Was he happy for you to pack his daughter off to his MIL's?
I can see that you are concerned with this situation and you know that something is amiss. I would say what others are saying and you need to talk to a professional about the length of time this has been going on. My feeling is that there is something unresolved in your past that you're probably not even aware of that is driving this.
Also, I can't help feeling very sad for this little 5 year old girl and how she will see this in years to come. This is why it needs addressing now.
I hope it works out well for you and this doesn't mean you are a bad person, just needing some help with it.
i had a 3 yo boy then had BG twins - i felt exactly like you regarding my girl
she was the difficult first born, she cried all the time whilst twin two was quiet
she has breathing problems she had to take medicine for a urinary infection - she was in scbu for two weeks - anything and everything that was difficult about the situation revolved around her.
i had to travel back to the hospital ( no car) everyday with ONE twin and one 3year old to see her.
she didn't stop crying for months.
but she was mine, ny responsability - lifes hard it sucks sometimes
i think your mum is being extraordinarily selfish and not seeing the big picture.
i think you are too
you don't perservere with your daughter becuase its really rough on you
welcome to motherhood darling. i mean jesuz
poor poor poor little girl who has a mummy who doesn't want her.
seriously get some help
get your daughter
MAKE IT WORK
i had to physically try hard. i could see myself favouring the boys for many many years. i had to remember to give her hugs - give her extra hugs and kisses - try harder - for us both - it was my job.
i am pleased to say that my 16 yo daughter is the most lovely well manners, funny intelligent person. she outshines the boys every single day.
i love her so very much i can't begin to explain. when she got her period - i was there - we went shoppin to celebrate, when she broke up with her first serious boyfriend, she came in bed with me and cried.
i wouldn't miss those moments and many many more = not for anything.
it takes years YEARS NOT MONTHS - and its hard.
shes your kid - seriously i am flabberghasted at both you and your mother.
I agree with babyignoramus, I think this could be rooted in the stress of twins.
I really hope that you can work through this, your DD does really need to be back in your family home.
You are not a bad person, you made sure that your DD would be cared for, but you need to try and sort this out now before it is too late.
Custardo, a very poignant post, it has made me cry!
I think it blows anything I have to say out of the water.
I think your very brave coming on MN and telling your story.
I cant really offer you any advice, just wanted to offer my support. I hope you get the help you both need. I think the documentaries will be a good place to start, knowing your not the only person to feel this way.
Is your GP aware of the situation, Im sure that would be the first place to start.
This is very especially for your daughter.
I don't really think that 3 months was enough time to try and make it work with your little girl.
Did you get any extra support / counselling etc when she came home ?
you absolutely have to go and get therapy to see if you can get this sorted. It cannot be that your dd has something in her which is causing you to not to love her. It has to be in YOU for whatever reason, so you have to get to the bottom of it ASAP.
What does your dh have to say about all this? I take it you are still together
You know this situation is wrong or you wouldn't be posting on here about it. You must worry about your dd's relationship with both you and your boys. It's only natural.
What's not natural is leaving this little girl with her granny and abandoning her. I know, you've ensured she's cared for, so you haven't neglected her, but she has been abandoned by her mum. How do you think that will make her feel when she's old enough to realise it? What if something happens to her nan and she suddenly finds herself living with you again in the worst kind of circumstance?
My friend was handed over to her gran as a small child whilst her siblings remained with their parents. She stayed in South Africa with grandma til she was about 6, then she came to live with her parents in the UK. She has had such terrible depression throughout her life as a result of this and she can't understand, to this day, why she was abandoned.
You need to seek professional help with this, face up to your responsibilities and re-own your little girl.
CustardofatJesus, your post is far from fluffy, but quite rightly so. You, of all people, must be able to see this car wreck happening much more clearly than most of us.
Personally, I feel a little sorry for the OP as I feel she's missing out on so much. Little girls can be such a delight. And at least the OP is bothered enough to realise it's not right or she wouldn't be posting.
Go sort it. It's not too late and you could all gain so much.
This may sound harsh but my gut feeling is that you are setting up your daughter to have serious issues as she grows up - you are potentially causing enormous emotional and psychological damage to her if you don't put some effort into dealing with this. As she starts to understand the stituation she can't help but see that her mother didn't think she was lovable, and what messages does that give her about who she is? That she is worthless? Has no value? So why should she value herself? Some people manage to overcome serious issues from childhood, but many, many people never learn to feel loved and happy and it has a detrimental effect on their whole lives.
As others have said, it does sound like counselling for you would be the first step and undiagnosed PND could have been a factor. Please take the first step for you both.
brilliant post from custardo, I don't think you're a bad person and although I can sympathise with your situation i can't empathise.
My heart breaks for your little girl and what she's got ahead of her, emotionally when she realises she was so easily rejected.
tbh i don't think either the way you, your dh or your mum is behaving is acceptable. This needs addressing NOW via a psychotherapy referral, nhs or private if neccessary. This is imperative for the emotional and developmental well-being of your daughter.
Your post looks like you haven't tried very hard and taken the easy route via your Mum, there's soem skewed dynamics going on here, if it hasseemed like you'd tried a bit harder i would have more sympathy. Sorry to be so harsh but I'm a bit shocked tbh.
Lou,you need to get some help.some talking therapy.if you can print out your OP take this to GP.ask whether Improving access to psychological therapies is available to you,or counselling.perhaps A family support worker to help you
this needs a deep exploration of the reasons
to an extent your mum has colluded with you. you left her your DD and she raises her.this maintains the atatus quo of dd being estranged from her brothers.this is deep stuff.they are family,siblings and yet she visits like a close acquaintence
what does your husband say about this?how does he feel his twin daughter lives with granny
this wont resolve without some deep therapeutic exploration.a lot of crying and looking for some understanding
and longer term some solutions
I always wanted a couple of boys, i never wanted a daughter. When myself and my husband decided to start a family we knew we could end up with a girl but i sort of thought that i would be ok with that and that i would still love her. But i never thought i would completely reject her. Yes i think having twins was hard for me but if it had been twin boys i would not have sent one of them to stay with my mum i am quite convinced of that. I think she knows that i treat her differently to her brothers, kids aren't stupid and i do worry what effect its going to have on her as she gets older knowing that her mum didn't want her. I want to try harder with her but when she came to stay for 3 months i just felt like she was in the way and i know its terrible to feel like that. She wasn't happy either, she really missed her nan. The boys see a lot of their sister and have both stayed over with their nan plenty of times but they are not used to her being around all the time. Possibly if she comes to stay for weekends or something and we could do things gradual and see how that goes rather than have her come to stay permanantly right off.
Whilst i can understand you obviously have issues with regards to your daughter i am surprised that your sons feel anything with regards to her being her there 24/7. I do wonder if this be more about how you feel not them ?
By the way, I realise my post was rather curt and I do want to say that you are extremely brave in coming here to talk about it, knowing the kinds of reactions you are likely to get. You already have taken the first step really in doing that haven't you?
what does dh say tho?
I cannot imagine my husband allowing me to give of OUR children away!!
I can't believe you took her to your mums. I can't relate to this at all.
I had difficulty bonding with my dd, but nothing ever wouldve made me send her away.
I think if you had the one child I could understand this but how can you have others you treat fairly and then another you pack off?
Has something in your own childhood affected your relationship with her?
do you know why you never wanted a dd and felt so strongly about that? Is there a reason for it that you are aware of? I mean perhaps you have a younger sister or something and you resented her arrival?
Could something like that lie behind it all?
You see, I'm wondering if your rejection of your dd is based on behavioural patterns you learned as a dc, if so with work that must be something you can un-learn.
I do hope you get some counselling that can help sort this out. Does dh not want his dd at home then?
I can't see how sex matters either, baby boys and girls are much the same.
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