Do you think your "co-parent" should always back you up when you're reprimanding your child, even if they disagree with you?

[emkana]

That's it really

[homicidalmatriach]

Yes. But then look daggers at you till you retire to another room to discuss it.

[SofiaAmes]

Really depends on the situation, doesn't it? If they don't think the child did the thing he/she is being reprimanded for, then maybe it shouldn't wait. Or If it's an issue that has been discussed before and there is a longstanding parental disagreement about whether it's a reprimandable offense... then maybe it's understandable that that person doesn't want to leave it until later. It's also not the end of the world, nor will it create permanent psychological damage if a disagreement happens once in awhile. If it happens frequently, then there is a deeper issue that needs to be attended to, because I would agree that it's not a good example to be setting.

[PillicockSatOnPillicockHill]

basically YES emkana

exceptions would be extreme behaviour but mostly YES

[MaureenMLove]

99% of the time DH and I agree. However, if either one of us think we are being a bit hard on DD, we tell each other, out of ear shot of her.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

No I don't always.

If DH is reprimanding DS over something I don't agree with, I'll try to suggest an alternative. I don't want to undermine DH but if he's being unfair, I don't want DS to be on the receiving end of it.

[Blondeshavemorefun]

yes

otherwise the child gets conflicting views and will get puzzled

plus when older will start playing one off against the other

back up and then in private discuss

[preggersplayspop]

I basically agree, but as relatively new parents we are still finding our way and so in some situations we disagree. I expect (hope?) that as our child grows older than we will have established a common set of guiding principles that will fit most situations so that it would be rare that we have a different view.

[Hassled]

They should remain silent while the DCs are in the room, then retire to a quiet corner so they can hiss "Are you insane? WTF are you THINKING?" at the offending parent. Then the father offending parent can return to the DCs and be grown up enough to admit that he misjudged the situation and in hindsight X will now happen. But the compromise resolution should come from the offending parent, even if it was the sensible parent's idea.

[MmeLindt]

Generally I agree but sometimes one of us will step in if the other is being really unreasonable and suggest a compromise.

Depends on the situation. Was it a particular argument, Emkana or is it a general problem?

[AnyFucker]

ditto what hassled said

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

Yes except where one co-parent is abusive.

[paolosgirl]

It depends. Sometimes DH can be a hot headed, stubborn git, and whilst in theory we back each other up, I cannot, in all honesty, always back up some of his suggestions now that the kids are older (11 and 9) and know what he ridiculous he can be occasionally.

Usually I'll say "Dad and I will discuss this later" which buys us all time.

[piscesmoon]

I agree with Hassled, unless as HerBeatitudeLittleBella said.

[cory]

In principle yes- but not every single time. I can be ill tempered and unfair and make a decision without being in full possession of the facts. Dh doesn't have to agree to absolutely anything. If I am being too hot tempered or unfair, then he has the same right to call me up on that as do the children.

We agree most of the time, which is good enough. And we do agree about the house rules.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

In front of the child, always, every time, 100%. You cannot be seen to be pulling apart.

Behind the scenes is the place for discussions! NEVER in front of the child. If they get a whiff of disagreement they'll play you off against each other for ever!!

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

I also think that as kids get older, if your relationship is strong enough, and you are confident enough parents, you ought to be able to disagree in front of them without that undermining your authority or exposing you to divide and rule.

I think being able to change your mind or disagree, isn't necessarily a sign of weakness, it can be a sign of confidence.

[AnyFucker]

oh yes, abusive co-parent is totally different scenario

[Dillydaydreamer]

Yes and then discuss it later away from the child. If they don't back up then the child plays one off against the other.

[HerBeatitudeLittleBella]

The child only plays one parent off against another if the parents allow them to.

[FuriousGeorge]

Yes.We present a united front.If there is any disagreement we sort it out away from the dd's at a later time.The dd's know there is no point in running from one parent to the other trying to get one of us to change our minds or play one of against the other and don't even try now.

My friend has a dp who can't bear to see the children upset,so whenever she tries to discipline them,they go to him and he immediately gives in to what they want or refuses to let them be told off.Then he is astonished that they behave appallingly.I feel so sorry for my poor friend,her parenting is continually undermined by this-she says 'X lets the children rule him'.,and she has to deal with the fallout.

[cory]

Agree with HerBeatitude. There is a difference between being able to have an adult discussion in front of your (older) children and being unsupportive of each other. Or being mugs. Our dcs know that there is no mileage in trying to play us off against one another. But they also know that if one of us is having a bad day and being genuinely unfair, then the other will gently step in and smooth things over. I don't see that as undermining if done tactfully; it's additional support, not letting your oh paint themselves into a corner.

[ScummyMummy]

Agree with cory re co-parent smoothing things over rather than joining in an unfair bollocking when a bad day occurs.

[LadyGlencoraPalliser]

No. I don't buy this presenting a united front being good for the children thing. If one parent is being obviously unfair and the other parent backs them up, the message you are leaving the child with is that you cannot rely on any adult to be fair; the will back each other up even when clearly in the wrong. How can this be a good thing?
If one of us is in a tricky spot with one of th children, the other parent will step in and try to help sort things out, even if it means not backing up the first parent. I think that's right.

[MmeLindt]

I agree with Cory.

Sometimes I have had a bad day, the DC have been playing up and might overreact to a situation. DH will step in to

1. Calm me down - give me a "timeout"

1. Stop me flying off the handle

1. Stop me handing out punishments that are just too harsh

1. Mediate between the DC and myself

This can work in both ways. DH was a grumpy bugger yesterday and was narky with the DC so I called him on it, in front of the DC.

It is perfectly ok for the DC to see that their parents disagree sometimes, even about their behaviour.

And that if a parent is being unfair that the other parent will not just automatically back him/her. This would lead to a them and us scenario that I want to avoid.

[seeker]

This is difficult. With dd, for example, I can get locked into a child:child interaction that is really destructive to both of us. Dp will sometimes metaphorically clip us both on the ear and tell us both-but especially me-to grow up.

Dp and I are both inclined sometimes to wade into a situation half way through and get it wrong, so the other parent has to say something like "Hang on a minute, co-parent - that's not quite how it was"

I don't think that united at all times is necessarily right - particularly as they get older.