Not a 'natural' mummy... (long, sorry)

[SshDontTell]

I've changed my name as my DH knows my other name and I haven't discussed this with him at all. I knew becoming a parent would be hard, I did. And I know that bonding can take time, but I didn't expect to feel like this. I am looking after my 4 week old to the very best of my abilities, already had several panics over health/feeding and leap into action at the first strange noise, or even lack of noise, but... I really don't feel like a 'mummy'. I almost feel like I am looking after her for someone else, half expect them to come in the door, thank us for babysitting and wander off with her. I've never been a 'baby' person, although everyone said it would be different when I had my own... only it's not.

I don't spend the hours 'just gazing' at my baby that other people seem to. She's cute, she is, but she's not that interesting at this point. I feel awful saying that though... I find feeds really boring, and tend to use my free arm to do other stuff (e.g. Mumsnet). Someone pointed out that eye contact is really important for newborns when they are feeding, so now I am worrying if I am damaging her development. Visions of Romanian orphans etc.

I don't feel at all as I expected to feel. I feel guilty and frustrated. And exhausted... and this is where I should say 'but I look at her and it's all worth it'. However, generally I look at her and think 'please don't wake up for a bit so I can have a shower/clean the kitchen/phone my mum'... and then feel terrible that I'm effectively putting my daughter second to what I want to get on with. Which is not the point of parenthood, surely. In the back of my mind, there is this niggling doubt growing about whether I should have had kids at all... and yet I always thought I wanted them.

It's not that I don't want her, I'm anxious if I am away from her even if she's just downstairs with DH and I'm trying to catch a nap upstairs. But I don't feel like I'm fitting into this idea of 'my kids are my life' sort of mother that I should be.

Clearly she is my main priority, in a rational sense, but on the emotional level I just don't think we're connecting. DH adores her and does his fair share more than willingly. He spends hours entertaining her, as well as doing all the nappies and feeds etc but I kind of run out of enthusiasm/energy for that in the day and tend to focus on the functional bits, is she fed, is she clean, how quickly can I get her to go back to sleep...

I feel defective in the mummy stakes. Is this just a bonding issue?

[padboz]

I was you. It took me months., I hated it for ages - I now spend ages gazing at my toddlers. I'm not a baby person. I Fell in Love - it wasn't a switch for me at all.

It comes.

[lindenlass]

You sound like me. I love my children to bits, but do get fed up of them and hope they'll all go to sleep/get distracted sometimes so I can do things I want to do.

Give it time. Worrying about it won't help, and you're not the only one - in fact, I've heard this so many times I'd say it was probably normal. 4-week-old babies can be pretty boring. They're totally demanding and give nothing back. Hopefully you'll feel better when she's smiling at you and laughing and generally being more responsive.

If you're worried about bonding, then get some skin-to-skin time with her - and lots of it. Bath with her, massage her, lie in bed with her to feed her.

[cmotdibbler]

You sound totally normal to me. I had no urge to just gaze at DS as a baby, and did a lot of MNetting/reading/crosswords when bfing him as a baby.

I think it's really hard work suddenly having to adjust to this new persona, and new expectations of life. Getting out a lot, even just for a walk, and dividing the house jobs between DH and I so that I didn't have them all to do during the day worked well.

And it's very early days - as she does more, and you get more sleep it does all get easier

[Drusilla]

It's all completely normal, honestly, lots of people feel just like you (I did, and loads of people on here told me it was normal!) 4 weeks is such a short time, bonding can take place over months. And they really aren't very exciting at this age are they?! I felt as though I was doing so much for so little in return. As your baby starts to interect with you more and you spend more time with her you will start to feel differently.

[padboz]

I loved my babies when they DID something - I remember thinking I quite liked my baby for the first time (as opposed to feeling responsible for her) at around 5 months when she was laughing about something.

I hopped and skipped back to work and loved being there - now they are 2 and 3 I have cut my hours by 2 thirds because I hate being away from them when they are so much fun and its such a short time in thier lives.

[mrsmortenharket]

((((((((((((((((((((((shh))))))))))))))))))
sweetheart, i felt exactly the same. there are many different types of mothers and not everyone will feel the expected 'rush of love' that the media will lead you to expect to feel. i felt as though i was looking after dd for someone else and even now, i can admit (on mn anyway) that i will still occasionally struggle with my feelings for her - altho we are a lot closer now. i am also lp into the bargain.

i would suggest, however, that you talk about the way you are feeling with you doc and/or hv. if you don't get any jopy from them, please please please go see someone else. i ended up developing pnd quite badly and i do not want you to go through the same. i am not saying you will, so please don't think that. i just want you to go see someone about the way you are feeling.

[Libralovesbiscuits1975]

You are not defective, in fact you are very normal. Babies are hard and not very rewarding work to start with. I thought exactly the same as you about nearly everything and I didn't start to enjoy being a mummy until DS was about 4-5months old. Relax, as padboz said it will come

[Drusilla]

I had an ante-natal group friend who barely slept the first two weeks of her babys' life because she gazed adoringly at it the whole time and I felt awful because I didn't feel the same. I felt I'd made a huge mistake, but 6 months later I was quite happy to do a bit of gazing

[TheCrackFox]

I felt the same way too. I didn't have the "rush of love" as soon as I gave birth. Took about 6 months before we really bonded.

[liath]

Small babies are mind-numbingly boring. I felt a bit like this with dd though it got better when she started smiling and interacting more. I was very anxious too and had a run in with PND.

I bonded far better with my second baby as I was more relaxed and in a way "knew" how to fall in love with a baby.

[Chaotica]

What the others have said - and enjoy having a free hand to do things with while you have a little baby. Soon she will be eating the book/pressing 'post' or 'delete' or doing something else which demands your attention... (And you'll probably love her for it.)

[TheProvincialLady]

I felt the same with DS1. And who told you about the eye contact thing? I am BF DS2 as I type and I assure you that even if I wasn't on MN, DS1 (who is 2) would not let me gaze lovingly into his younger brother's eyes for long Obviously you'll want to do it sometimes but it's not child abuse if you don't do it all the time.

[laraeo]

I was the same way. Exactly. It took me months to bond. Having said that, DS is now 11 months and infinitely more interesting - he "does" stuff which make the days go faster (I second the getting out of the house - we go somewhere everyday - even if it's just a walk to the shops). I'm definitely not a baby person and eagerly await him walking and talking.

[PortofinosDHwillDieIfHeForgets]

I too was exactly like this. Felt a bit like I had been beamed into someone's else's life. I did all the functional stuff and worried about how awful the world was, and didn't find the experience at all joyful. I love my dd to pieces but it took a long time before I stopped thinking of her as a "responsibility" rather than MY beautiful baby. 5 years on I ususally have a "gaze" at her sleeping before I go to bed.

I still don't feel like a "natural mum" though. DH is the one for playing/watching crap Cbeebies, I tend to do the things with her that give me some fun too - swimming, going for a walk, reading, cooking etc.

[Ivykaty44]

This isn't a bonding issue, people have told you things about babies - when its your own it will be different. Thing is it rarely is and noone actually says.

I love my dd's and just got on with life as it was before when I had them. I was 24 dd came along aswell, sleep eat and change, and dd was on my own so she just had to fit in with our life - dd1 and me that is.babies are boring, esp when awake.

Probably didn't have any expectation of life with babies so didn't realise it was so different from some others.

i read posts on here and think OMG life wasn't like that for me, nor did I think or do that.

Dont get hung up by what you think you are supposed to feel and think. Just be you

[dustbuster]

I think it's totally normal to feel like this. DD is 11 months and totally adorable, but I STILL think 'just carry on napping for a bit so I can get on with things'.

It's also worth remembering that there are lots of different ways of being a mother. There was a thread on here last year where people talked about how they didn't feel like a "mummy". I still don't and I think that's completely fine. I am thrilled to be her parent, but a lot more ambivalent about being a "mum" - with all that goes with it.

Yes, there are people who think "my kids are my life" - but there are also lots of mothers who have loads of other interests too - look at MNers! I don't think either way of being is better or worse, you just have to find a way that you feel comfortable with - and that takes a bit of time.

Also, I just have to say that the gazing into your baby's eyes while breastfeeding thing is NOT compulsory! Everyone I know spent the time reading, watching DVDs, on the Internet etc. So don't feel guilty!

[BarrelOfMonkeys]

Okay, thanks everyone. I feel a bit less like a cold-hearted b*tch! Guess I will have to give it some more time and keep taking it a day at a time... At least I am not the only one to feel like this, that's very reassuring, thanks...

[iamaLeafontheWind]

4 weeks? Boring, boring, boring time. If you're worried about her being safe, fed & warm then you are a good Mum. I sometimes felt that DH got the better stuff in the earlier weeks because I did all the worrying for both of us (Darling, if you're lurking, I know you worried too). Of course, she's now 5.5 months and much funnier it's a different game altogether.

[MrsMattie]

Sounds totally normal. DS was well over a year old before I felt confident or like a 'proper mum'. I didn't have a maternal rush of love, either. I felt very protective of my DS, but it was almost like I was looking after him (very carefully!) for somebody else for a long time.

[duchesse]

Sounds utterly normal to me. It takes a while to bond with a person. Newborns are often not very rewarding and are in any event jolly hard work. Plus there's the endless tiredness and physical shock of the birth to contend with. You'll start to fall for her truly when you realise that you and your husband are the centre of her universe. Come back on here and tell us how you're feeling after the first gummy smile!

[dontbitemytoes]

totally utterly normal (otherwise i'm abnormal too )

it took me ages to love dd, babies are very boring, and very time consuming. Mine was also hideously demanding, refusing to be put down, crying when i was in the shower etc etc. At about 7 months when she could crawl and her frustration wore off I started to really enjoy her. She is now 17 months old and she is my world. I love her sooo unbelievably much, i could not imagine one second without her.

Love grows, and as your child becomes more interesting your love will grow. I can't honestly say when my love "began", somewhere in the first few months i think, but it has just blossomed now. Enjoy the relative peace and quiet of a newborn, do your best and leave the rest to nature. I promise you won't feel like this in the summer

[Mummywannabe]

You sound like i did up to a few weeks ago. I just read your post to my DH and i cried as its such a relief to know others felt like this.

My DS is 6 1/2 months now and i feel so so different, have that rush of love thing i expected straight away.

Try not to beat yourself up as it only makes you feel worse. Wish i had the sense to post on MN about how i felt as the reassurance would have helped when i felt down.

[noonki]

It took me about 5 months (at least) to bond properly with DS2.

When he was born and people said 'oh isn't he beautiful' I thought they were being polite. Think I had a bit of PND.

I did like you, went through all the care, did worry about him but didnt have any big feelings. In fact I can remember when he was about 8 weeks old I was in a car park with my mum and I had a huge rush of love for him, I pratically dropped him, (I couldn't tell my mum as I hadn't told anyone). But then it went again.

I eventually confinded in my HV who said I should do a lot of skin to skin, and talking to him...and it worked fairly slowly but it does.

He is now 22 months and I love him with every inch of my being, as hard and as true as I love DS1 who was a instant love.

My relationship with him is brilliant and not damaged in anyway.

it will come

[RaspberryBlower]

Life changes so much when you have a baby that it isn't surprising it takes a while to adjust to the role of motherhood, especially if you've been a bit ambivalent about it beforehand. Things will eventually fall into place.

I spent loads of time on the computer when first bfing dd. It doesn't seem to have done her any harm.

[Timbuktu]

I was exactly the same, up until I got pregnant I told people I didn't ever want children! Then dd arrived and it was very boring, I did think she was utterly cute, but it seemed all too monotonous. Like others my bond grew strongly when she started doing things and we shared experiences more; her copying my sounds, her first words, us dancing around together. I wouldn't class myself still as somebody who motherhood comes easy to. The changes just become more acceptable.