Do you let your baby sleep alone?

[Nessalina]

Can't decide if I'm being PFB, but me & DH have been following safe sleeping guidelines to the letter, so at 7:30 I put our 4 month old baby to bed and I sit in the darkened bedroom with him, watching Amazon prime on my mobile until about 10:30 when I go to sleep.

In chatting to other mums at baby group it seems that a lot of them put the baby down and them leave them to it with a monitor, and then come up to bed whenever they would normally.

So I know SIDs guidelines are that baby should sleep in a room with an adult, but am I taking it too far?? I would kind of like to get my evenings back...

[Latium123]

Hi Nessalina, I recognise your name from the conception pages. You must have got your BFP not long after me as my DD is 5 months old now. Congratulations to you, I hope everything is going well.

We put DD to bed in crib next to our bed and switch on the monitor then go downstairs. We do maybe pop in to check on her a couple of times in the evening before going to bed ourselves but definitely don't sit with her all the time. The first few times I was a bit anxious and checked on her more often but I gradually got used to it and now am quite happy to put her down and relax for a bit.

I think as long as you are following all the guidelines about e.g. not putting things like toys in the crib, temperature regulation etc, they should be fine and you'd hear on the monitor if anything was up, crying etc. Personally, I found it a positive thing once we got into a routine of putting her down and coming downstairs as it does give you some adult time back again and I think that is healthy for all concerned.

[NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure]

Once we managed to get our DD to sleep in a cot we left the monitor on and then I would be checking every hour or so. I think it depends how comfortable you feel and maybe how far away you are once you come downstairs. Our house is pretty small, so even without the monitor we heard her as soon as she squeaked!

[ExitStageLeft]

You need to do only what you feel comfortable with, nothing else matters really.

But yes, I always left mine on their own once they were asleep.

[Anticyclone]

We did exactly what you did initially and followed the SIDS guidelines to the letter.

And actually it was when PFB was about 4 months when we started experimenting with leaving him for short periods with the monitor. First time was probably for about 20 mins while we ate dinner! We slowly left him a bit longer, but as his sleep is crap he wakes up after an hour so we've never been able to leave him longer than that!

Mind you I don't think I would have been confidant doing it without the Angelcare movement monitor to reassure us!

[Artandco]

We always had them with us. But in the evening we would still put down to sleep in living room and take to bed with us later so that way no waiting in one room. We could still socialise/ cook/ talk/ work.

Could you do that? Baby in Moses basket/ pram around 8pm, when you go to bed around 10.30pm wake baby, feed and re settle in your room ( later feed should help with reducing any other wakings also)

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

After about three months old none of ours would sleep in a room with other stuff going on. Trying to have them sleep in the living room resulted in them being awake (and furious about it) every 20 minutes. So I put them down to bed and checked periodically.

Everyone needs to make the call they are happy with though.

[Nessalina]

Thanks all We've got him into a nice routine going down upstairs now so I don't want to mess with that, we always had trouble settling him down in the lounge - too much going on I think! I think starting to leave him for longer periods with a monitor sounds like a plan, it just feels like a big step to go from being with him every minute up til 6 months, then him go into a cot all on his own in another room!! I might look into Angelcare monitor to keep me from checking him every 2mins

[NaiceNickname]

I'm currently lying in our dark bedroom while DS goes to sleep in his moses basket. He is 10 weeks and we have been doing this for about 2 weeks now. We have a video monitor to keep amen eye on him and he is such a noisy sleeper that we can hear him breathe through the monitor! If I ever can't then I pop up and check on him.

We were keeping him downstairs with us until we went to bed but when we dimmed the lights of a night, it made the flashing lights of the TV on the walls such an amazing exciting light show for DS that he would just lie in his crib flapping about, wide eyed and then he would end up so overtired that he would scream for hours. We thought he had colic, I used to dread night times because I knew that he was going to have a massive inconsolable meltdown every night.

Since he has been going to bed... no crying at night. He was just way over stimulated and over tired downstairs with us with the TV on and talking/banging about.

Do what feels right for you. Obviously the guidelines are there for a reason but I think you have to make them manageable for you and yourbbaby/family too.

[bronya]

I never bothered with bedtime before me at that age with either of mine. DS spent the evenings asleep on me and had no trouble gradually adjusting to an earlier bedtime and to sleeping through when he was old enough and no longer feeding at night. DD sleeps when she is tired, on me at first, then in her crib.

[Ineedacleaningfairy]

My baby is 4 months old and I don't leave him asleep, he sleeps in my arms from 7-11ish and then I carry him to the bedroom and put him to bed when we go to bed. Daytime naps I usually cuddle him or put him down and try to nap myself.

It's a very cosy way to do things but it's impossible to get anything else done. I intend to start putting him down for naps/evening sleep at 6 months old.

[LetticeKnollys]

Yes, I did from when DS was a couple of months old actually, I would have a few hours to myself in the evening in the living room with the baby monitor on (we are in a bungalow as well, he was just across the hall so he wasn't kept waiting for long when he woke up). DS would wake up between 10 and midnight when I would go and join him, co sleeping because he wanted breastfeeding so much in the night. He slept through from 5 months which is when I moved out of his room.

He is 5.5 months now, I slept in the same room as him last night because of guests and neither of us got very much sleep, we kept disturbing each other (at least, he was definitely disturbing me doing all of his sleep-grunting!) and we ended up getting up at 5 instead of 7 with broken instead of solid sleep, DS has been very grumpy all day.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

No, not until my DS was 6 months plus. He slept on me in the evenings or sometimes he would be put down in a Moses basket/crib. We would watch TV with the sound down and subtitles, and then take him up with us when we went to bed. I never asked what my NCT friends did, I just assumed that everyone did similarly.

[Linguini]

I put mine to bed at 8pm, leave him in bedroom but check often, have dinner and do tidying, I go to bed around 10:30. We are separate from each other these 2-3 hours a day only.
It's been this way since he was 6 weeks old. He's now 13 weeks.

[Nessalina]

That was kind of what I was thinking Linguine! From the people I've spoken to IRL, I was expecting droves of MNers to say that that was what they did.

[NickyEds]

We kept ds downstairs in his moses basket with us until he was 5.5 months. It was a total pain in the arse! We'd be creeping about with the tv on really low. The relief when we put him upstairs in his room was just greater than the guilt at doing it two weeks early ( as if he suddenly changed at 6 months!!). My sister rolled her eyes and shook her head at me! I'm pregnant now and with this one I'm planning to get her in her room earlier.

[Annarose2014]

We've a four month old. He started really getting fractious downstairs at around 9/10 weeks and we started putting him upstairs in the dark "for a nap" around 7. And he kept sleeping! So we realised pretty quickly that was it.

We use a video monitor, like the one above you can actually hear him breathe! And you can see his chest rise and fall. Tbh, it has been nothing short of miraculous getting our evenings back, to drink wine and laugh and shout answers at Only Connect.

However at least half the week we're both in bed by 9pm anyway.

[ClaretAndBlue30]

We put our 4 month old up to bed (a cot in our room) at about 6.30/7pm - we've been doing this since she was 10 weeks old.

We have a video monitor and angel care breathing mat and in reality I'm usually in bed by 9/9.30pm so she's not up there long by herself.

All my NCT group did the same at about 10 weeks - not only does DD sleep better, we get our evenings back!!

[moggle]

DD has been going upstairs to sleep since she was 2m. In total she's alone up there for about 2 hrs apart from dummy runs. We have a monitor. She's 4m next week.

I find the guidelines odd anyway- if DDs in the living room, can I go into the kitchen to do some washing up? Can I put the TV or radio on? If I'm having a shower so I have to bring her into the bathroom with me?

I do wonder how the NHS expect parents with more than one child to follow these guidelines- it can't be easy!

[ApplesTheHare]

We started putting dd to be on her own alone for a few hours before we went to bed when she was 12 weeks. We used breathing and sound monitor

[33goingon64]

We started leaving DS (dc1) alone to go to sleep from 5 weeks. Didn't have monitor (small house) and don't recall checking on him really til we went to bed too, but that would have been 1-2 hours later. Moved him to own room at 2.5 months.

[CultureSucksDownWords]

So do most people feel the SIDS advice about all sleeps being in the same room as a parent is unnecessary/not a major factor in reducing the risks of SIDS?

[Buglife]

I'm also someone who at 10-12 weeks I started putting DS in the cot after his bath and feed and having a couple of hours downstairs before going to bed in the same room. Actually now he's over 6 months he's still in with me as I can't seem to want to move him :) but those couple of hours of dinner and chat with DH are great for my sanity! As others said, that was the age DS started waking if we did anything in the room with him, and I wasn't prepared to spend 6 months in a dark room every evening not seeing DH at all, and I would have felt trapped. 21-22 hours a day of being with DS is something I can happily do, because I have those couple of hours in the evening. I calculated the risk as being so minuscule it was something I could do. DS sleeps much better that part of the night than when I get into bed!

[PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom]

Culture - Well, in the scheme of things sleeping in a different room when the parents are awake and checking is not in the same league as smoking, or tummy sleeping or whatever.

But I think it's mostly a practicality issue. If you have a baby who happily sleeps in the moses basket until 6 months with things going on around them (as a friend did), it's good advice to follow.

On the other hand, if you have a baby who won't sleep in the moses basket with lights, with any other noise... If you have a baby who stops wanting to sleep on you either... If you have older children who make (as small children do) noise during nap time...If you have a partner who frequently works away or are a single parent (so the baby's sleep time is your chance to finally have a decent meal, or a shower without a chorus of wails, or whatever). In lots of scenarios, it is really unrealistic to have the baby sleep with you every time whilst you are awake. It can be a choice between the baby sleeping in another room and not really sleeping at all. Or losing your mind.

Interestingly, I had barely heard of all this 'sitting in the dark' business before streaming services and smartphones. Either the baby happily slept with stuff going on, or slept separate. I think the fact it's become a little bit more viable to do has tipped the balanced in some cases to an expectation people will.

DS slept on my chest in the evenings until about 3 months (or the sling if I was doing things). My husband works away a lot. By the time he decided he wasn't willing to sleep like that, my mental health was really suffering too. Never having a few minutes to myself nearly drove me round the twist. He had no other risk factors for SIDS and I was a better parent to all three kids once I got a couple of hours to myself (it was months later before he napped anywhere but the sling or moving buggy in the day, so that wasn't an issue).

[Miffyonline]

Hi, we used the Angel baby monitor, which also has a movement sensor. When we bought the monitor I thought it was a bit over the top. However, the sensor really helped me to reassure myself our little one was ok when he was by himself. It gave me peace of mind which meant I could relax.

He has been in his own bed since he was 3 months old.

[Buglife]

The major factors laid out as reducing SIDS risk are placing babies on backs to sleep, not smoking during pregnancy or when the baby is born, not bed sharing, not overheating (no covers etc). Studies have shown sharing a room with a parent reduces risk, but so does using a dummy. Risk is a scary word to associate with your baby but some risks are incredibly small, and I suppose to treat all risks as equal would leave you a total wreck! If DS slept in the garden tonight - massive risk. Sleeping upstairs for two hours, practically non. Also the various SIDS charities etc all say these factors do not eliminate the risk. Putting everything together (DS sleeping in an empty cot on his back, using a sleeping bag, using a dummy, using a monitor, using a Gro egg to monitor temp) I decided I was not irresponsible in leaving him alone for two hours a night.