Scared they will take my baby if I ask for help

(69 Posts)
TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 14:09:57

I have pnd. Low dose medication. Not working anymore. My dd is 3 months.
I can't cope any more. I hate being a mum and hate being on my own with my dd all day. My dh is much better with her than I am. He's been off for a few days but back at work now and I was in tears by midday because dd was fighting sleep. I don't know what to do with her and keep wishing she would sleep all day like a newborn so I don't gave to deal with her. She's not even a difficult baby. She only wakes up once a night or sleeps through and is happy amusing herself in bouncer or on her playmat. But I still can't cope. She cries in the pram or sling so I stay in most days with her and don't go to any groups.she likes being carried in my arms but hates it when I put her in a sling.
I think I need my meds increased but am terrified of going back to gp incase they contact social services. Some days I'm fine but more often lately I struggle and I'm scared I'm going to snap.

milkyman Mon 09-Dec-13 14:29:55

You won't have your baby taken away from you - you care because you are a good mum. A good GP will get you the help you need. How about you health visitor - she should also help. I found 3mths difficult and then suddenly it changes as baby sleeps more and gets more 'interesting'. Please ask for help.

Flisspaps Mon 09-Dec-13 14:56:38

Ask for help. They won't take your DD. Don't be scared.

galwaygirl Mon 09-Dec-13 15:06:30

Hi, I ended up on the max dose of anti depressants and was never made to feel they might take my baby.
Can I just ask what sling you are using? It's just that my DC have has strong preferences sling wise and it would be so great if you could find something to help you get out more as that really helps. Xx

MmeLindor Mon 09-Dec-13 15:08:45

They won't take your baby away.

Go speak to the GP and tell her that you are not coping. You are not a bad mother, you just need a little help. It will get better, I promise.

They won't take your baby. Get some help with your PND.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 09-Dec-13 15:13:33

No-one will take your baby away.

Please talk to your health visitor or GP and get some help. Do you talk to your DH?

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 15:23:59

I'm scared because when my dd was about a week old one of the midwives said that the mental health team would want to section me if I spoke to them. They actually didn't want to know and didn't offer any support because I wasn't suicidal and didn't want to harm dd but it has stayed with me.

I've got a Boba, mei tye and a stretchy. I've tried a ring sling too. She will sometime fall asleep in them when my dh carries her but mostly cries for a while before she settles and I usually give up quite quickly because I can't bare to hear her cry and feel like everyone is looking at the bad mum with the poor baby strapped to her blush
Other babies seem so happy in slings and I never see them scream the way dd does. She loves me carrying her around the house but if I put her in the sling she starts squirming and grumbling after 5 minutes but is fine as soon as I take her out and just hold her again. She is 98th centile and it's wrecking my back walking around and rocking her to sleep in my arms.

aturtlenamedmack Mon 09-Dec-13 15:27:33

Hi OP, I felt like this too when I first had my ds. He's 2 now and things have improved.
First of all, please seek help again, they won't take your baby. PND is more common than you would think and there is help and support out there for you, so please don't be frightened to access it.
Feeling the way that you do doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother, having a baby is difficult and it's a big transition for anyone, it's no wonder that you are feeling overwhelmed.
For me, getting out and about was what saved me. Toddler groups really helped me as I felt really lonely and just being around other adults helped with this.
Do you have anyone near by you can visit or who can visit you?
it feels so awful at the moment but with the right help and support you'll get through this.
Chin up. You're stronger than you think.

TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 15:27:42

My dh is very supportive and has taken time off work to help me when I've been really bad before. But I don't have any other family support really and I can't keep asking him to take time off work. My mum sometimes helps with practical things but is not available emotionally and has left me crying with dd on more than one occasion because she can't deal with it.

TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 15:30:43

I don't drive and all my friends who are at home with their dcs live about half an hr away in another town. So it's heard to see them often unless they come to me. I haven't made any friends nearby since we moved here.

Jiltedjohnsjulie Mon 09-Dec-13 15:31:07

I've honestly never heard of anyone having their baby taken. Even a friend of the family who had puerperal psychosis with both of hers so please don't worry about that.

Please go back to your GP and yes, its worth talking to your HV too. Sounds like you need your meds reviewing and a course of CBT could help. Apparently CBT can be as effective as meds for PND.

Have you read this info on pnd? The association of postnatal illness are very good too.

This book is often recommended on MN but I must admit that I haven't read it myself.

I hope you are on the road to recovery soon thankssmile

Your midwives were wrong and silly and a bit stupid.

Go to your GP. Get some help.

And babies cry. If anyone is looking at you, it's in sympathy, not censure.

TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 15:34:23

Hard not heard!

Sorry I know I sound really negative. I was desperate to have dd and so looking forward to being off work but it's nothing I like I imagined. I hated my job but really miss it now.

EssentialCoffee Mon 09-Dec-13 15:38:37

I don't have a lot of experience, but I did feel quite low at several points in the first year after having DS.

As far as I can tell social services and doctors etc will do everything in their power to keep a baby with it's Mum, so please don't be afraid to ask for more help. PND is an illness and you wouldn't be afraid to go to a doctor for a sprained ankle, it's the same thing. Doctors are there to help get you better.

I found as others have said, getting out at least once a day helped very much. I also find talking to older women helps a lot as they've been through it all and come out the other side, they're often very supportive IME.

I think there's something called Homestart which you can access through your children's centre and a volunteer can come out to you and give you help and support. I think they can even accompany you to baby groups etc to help you if you're anxious. It might be worthy looking into?

Please be kind to yourself and I hope you feel better soon

FlossieTreadlight Mon 09-Dec-13 15:41:21

You are doing so well just to articulate how you feeling. It is so hard having a baby and I completely empathise with the thought that surely, it wasn't supposed to be like this... I promise though, it does get easier, nicer and you will get your mojo back.

Go and chat to your GP/HV - no one will take your baby away. They will support you to feel better.

Look after yourself and keep talking if you need to x

TheJollyPam Mon 09-Dec-13 16:12:03

I love my dd to bits but being with her all the time is just SO dull. My job was full on and challenging and even though I didn't like a lot of it and was gagging for mat leave, I miss it. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do with her all day.

I'll ring my gp tomorrow to see if I can get an appointment.

Jiltedjohnsjulie Mon 09-Dec-13 16:47:08

Can really sympathise jolly. Having a baby can be isolating. Being in a new town and not being able to drive must add to your feelings.

I'm glad that you feel able to go to the GP tomorrow. Is there anyone who could have dd while you are there or come with you for support? It's really good that you recognise that you need help and are prepared to go and get it. Can't quite believe the mw being so negative and downright stupid.

Can you get to see your friends on the train? How would you feel about arranging to meet them one day in the week? If you can't get over there, how about inviting a friend over for lunch?

Recovery can be lots of small steps and you are making the first by going back to the GP. Although I did suggest arranging to meet a friend this is to try and give you something to look forward to. Don't want you to feel overwhelmed if you don't feel up to it.

Agree with the others that going to sone groups might help. When we moved towns I went along to our local nct. I'm not guaranteeing that you are going to make friends but for me just going out for a couple of hours, having a cuppa and some adult conversation added some structure to our day.

Check out your local children's centre to see if they have any activities. Your local library and swimming pool might have stuff going on too.

clairikins Mon 09-Dec-13 16:51:11

I know you must feel alone in the world. But please remember that 10-20% of new mums suffer from PND. You are not alone Please get more help

MmeLindor Mon 09-Dec-13 19:06:18

The midwife is talking rubbish. You won't be sectioned, and you won't have your baby taken from you.

What (general) area of the country are you in? Have you had a look on Mumsnet Local to see if there are any meetups planned?

Or see if your local NCT has meetups in the area. Getting out of the house will do you good, and being able to speak to other mums.

rhubarb82 Mon 09-Dec-13 21:54:50

My DD is 3 and a half months. I definitely recognise some of what you've said. I'm also on a low dose of ADs. One of the things I've found most helpful is just being honest with people. So I'm the one who will openly say that yes having a baby and looking after them all day can be boring, I do miss adult conversation and I'd love a day just to myself doing absolutely nothing! At baby groups I seem to end up gravitating towards others who feel the same - it is so helpful to realise that not everyone is the perfect mother and in fact lots of people are utterly shocked by how big a change it is from their old lives. Try talking to other new mums - you might be surprised to find they feel a lot like you and might have tips to help and support you.

And of course do go back to your GP and say you need more help - that's what they are there for.

Good luck. We'll get through this!

Jaffakake Mon 09-Dec-13 22:06:52

It's ok to miss work you know. I didn't have pnd to cope with, had an easy baby & a nice life, but I cried with relief the first day I dropped him off at nursery. We're just all schooled to go with the whole guilt thing. I had a baby cos I wanted a child. I found him more interesting than I expected, but I'm so enjoying it now he's older. We have conversations, play pretend games. It'll come in time.

They won't take your baby away. I worked with people at my local Sure Start. They're there to help anyone struggling, cope better. No one in that field aims to take a child away from its mother. It sounds like pure Avignon a hard time coping, but by starting this thread, it proves you're a good mum. Go and see your gp and they'll help.

I also second the idea of trying to get to a local meet up. Getting out of the house was what made hard days feel much easier. I would have welcomed someone wanting to make friends & needing a bit of support. You're not alone in finding this experience lonely & hard work, maybe someone else would be grateful of your friendship too.

Big hugs x x x

They won't take your baby away - do go and see your GP. And don't be afraid to shop around to find a GP who suits you and you feel comfortable with.

We moved when DD was 6 months old, leaving my friends with children about 30 min away. The way I dealt with it was by having something planned to do every day. We did something like music, baby signing, 2 baby/toddler groups and library story time. It might seem pointless taking such a little baby to things, but it is just about getting out and spending time with other adults. We are still in contact with a couple of families who were at one of those activities and DD will probably go to school with their children - so it has also had a long term benefit.

I also sent DD to nursery 2 mornings a week from 6 months until I went back to work to get some "me" time. If you can afford this then I recommend it, as it was great for me and also meant that DD settled into nursery really easily when I went back to work.

I missed work when I was on maternity leave. To the extent that if I had another, I don't think I would take the full leave again. Having a baby can be boring and isolating. Don't think you are alone in thinking this. Other people experience it too, but it isn't deemed socially acceptable to tell everyone. It isn't a rejection of your DD, it isn't specific to your baby, they are all pretty dull. If you aren't a baby person then what you love in a baby is more the potential of what they will become.

Don't make any rash decisions, but it could be an option to return to work sooner than you have planned.

Scarlettsstars Tue 10-Dec-13 00:21:25

What breathe slowly said. I loathed having dd - now 3.5 and I'm sorry to say I also loathe having her brother now 5 months. Babies are rubbish but they become lovely little people. I put dd in nursery at 7 months and went back to work and became a lot happier as a result. I love dd and DS but am looking forward to DS starting nursery after Xmas. Don't feel bad, just try to think what will make you happy and move forward with that. Your happiness is important to you and your family.

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