Mumsnet Talk

Having a bottle refuser, which has meant that I haven't ever left DS for more than three hours, and have had to delay my return to work.

Feeling guilty for wanting to go back to work. Actually, feeling guilty about everything!

The overwhelming anxiety, particularly around feeding/weight and routine. I feel like my world has collapsed in on itself and naps/solids have become the most important thing in the world. I get really panicked if something threatens to derail the routine I've worked hard to establish, which means I miss out on a lot. I thought I'd be a relaxed mum who would just let my LO nap on the go, but I'm just not. I wish I was.

I also fear that I must be incredibly boring, especially to childless friends. I dread someone asking me about politics because I only seem to have a point of view on nappies and daytime TV.

Losing me. No regular time off. No weekends. Isolation. Boredom.

Huge pain and damage from high forceps emergency with DC1. 10 months of physio and consultant appointments with small baby in tow. Trying to sleep while in tremendous pain and with catheter at times. Post natal ward staff acting shocked by my damage but not actually reassuring, helping or guiding me. Supporting Tena for life.

(DC2 was elcs 19 months later and a lovely birth btw)

Breastfeeding. The rest of it was a breeze. The hard work for me started at around 9/10 months.

I was shocked by how I physically felt on day 2, when I woke up after the first night back at home. I didn't know I would feel pain everywhere, it was like a herd of buffalos had stamped all over me.
Second, the relentless crying and refusal to sleep. Horrible times, lasted 6 months. I had a fantasy about leaving DS with anyone and go check into a hotel, and sleep for a whole night. I knew some babies were little horrors, because we had some in my family, but to actually experience it was something else completely.
As for advice, a few things worked for me: get out of the house everyday, because I think fresh air does make a difference to my mood. Do something small everyday to make you feel good, like wearing a nice necklace. Forget non essential housework. Accept offers of help.

Being tired and not being able to sleep when baby is asleep.

When he cries after we have covered the 3 B's (Breast/bottle,Burp, and Bum) and given cuddles, as he becomes almost hysterical.

Missing DP after having a lovely couple of weeks together.

The am I doing this right feeling. xx

Colic and lack of sleep.

Sleep deprivation without a doubt. I was a zombie.

Actually DH functions better than I do on broken sleep: he suffers, but he doesn't get into the suicidal pit of despair that I did. After I stopped breastfeeding we agreed that he'd do the nights and I'd do all the early mornings.

I guess it's the mental burden though as well BellaCB. I went out for 2 hours the other evening after DD had gone to bed. Had a nice evening but thought about her constantly; the worry was there. I think DP while being a lovely father is able to just do his work thing during the day without that undercurrent of...is dread the right word? cycling through his mind because he is away from baby.

And YY to the others who have been surprised at their OH's inability to function on little sleep.

boredom
missed adults contact
lack of sleep
constant grind of tasks

Agreed motherofpearl. My experiences of motherhood have been mainly positive. Was just posting in response to the question of struggling but mainly I have loved every minute! Now they are 7 and 5 and it is so much fun!

Ah, fanefeyre, its a relief to hear someone agrees! I feel so awful for resenting his bloody lunch, but I really really do... But I also hate the fact that he doesn't understand! I'm leaving him alone with DD for 24 hours next week, lets see if he gets it then <rubs hands evilly>

Yes do get her on MN - marvellous support that wasn't there when I had mine! I loved Penelope Leach but none of the books etc really get to grips with the fact that we are all similar but DIFFERENT! I was determined to breast feed - TINA - but now I am appalled that Mums are not told the basic fact that it is really really important that every baby has its colostrum and after that it doesn't really matter except for Mum's who cannot/do not observe proper hygiene! Every baby lamb gets colostrum - that magic first milk which primes their immune system and is tailored just for them but human mothers are told it is only 'watery first milk' with 'no feed value' - criminal.
Apart from that join the club and do your best!

I am pleased I found this thread. My dd is 5 weeks old and up until 3 weeks old was brillany started going 4-5 hours a night. However now has silent reflux. I dread nighttimes. I too have been hullacinating after lack of sleep following terrible labour and 2 blood transfusions. Coming home still severely anaemic. Reflux is horrible and I am going to punch the next person who says she is playing up at night. I lie and listen to her grunt kick gag etx every night between 3 onwards eventually having her sleep upright in bed with me surrounded by cushions. I am exhausted trying cures and wish there was one to stop my dd screaming after every feed. I echo everything esle taking hours to get once out screaming for a feed. Just my independence gone. My Dh has been brill but as working sleeps however I am surprised how much he doesnt cope with lack of sleep. Everyone says it gets better so I am clinging ont that . I love my dd but so envious of people with model babies makes me feel I am doing something wrong!

How painful and messy breastfeeding was at first. I had no idea that 'when your milk comes in' can mean that you literally can't move without showering your baby, your clothes, your sofa and your husband with milk. And that when the books talk about breastfeeding making your nipples 'sore' that doesn't mean sore like a little patch of dry skin or something, it is a pain that makes you feel physically sick and shakey.

That not all babies cry all the time and don't sleep. Everyone told me that that was the case, but I was lucky enough to have an excellent sleeper who didn't cry much. Therefore, the whole baby thing was much easier than I had been expecting.

How bad babies are for your relationship. Seriously, it took us two years to settle into being parents together. Two years.

The 24/7 responsibility. Which, in some ways, I am still getting used to five years on. That I can't go for a drink after work, or get my hair cut without planning it all days before hand. Annoyingly, DH still does many things spontaneously. (See point above. I learned to pick my battles)

It's been so good for me to read this thread. I've really stuggled with becoming a mother and hearing that I'm not alone is so reassuring. I feel I'm surrounded be women who have taken to it so naturally and I think I feel almost ashamed to admit that there are things about having a baby that I just don't enjoy - everyone else seems completely blissed out.

Emmyloo, thanks for that. It was really helpful! I think we must be twins! My DH is just like yours too. I'm the stressy one. I wish I could be more relaxed, but try as i might it just doesn't happen!

That is a good point CharlieMouse . I naively had the impression that I would be able to express either first thing or perhaps during the night, whilst my baby slept, as we were informed that this was when your body made the best quality milk. This went completely out the window when neither myself nor my son had actually slept!

GodisaDJ makes an excellent point about pregnant women who would like to breastfeed to do some research before the baby arrives. Apart from one NCT session on breastfeeding, I didn't really have much of an idea. My NCT leader gave the impression that although the baby would need frequent feeding, it would come at regular 3-4 hour intervals. It therefore came as a bit of a shock that my DD would feed for hours at a time and then want feeding again almost immediately. Fortunately, all that sitting around on the sofa with DD attached to my boobs gave plenty of time to check out http://kellymom.com/!

Apologies if others have said this:

Never being able to put my own needs or wants first. I feel really narcissistic writing that.

More the emotional side- having severe baby blues (?PND) and finding it hard/difficult to leave DS for any time or have hom out of my sight. I remember DP suggesting that the crib went to the bottom of the bed (at about 8 weeks?) and being hysterical at the thought

Mermaid - please be assured I felt exactly like you did. So many nights I spent crying because I would work a full day and then just want to relax and I would find myself walking the streets because my son wouldn't settle. My DH found it much less stressful but I just got so anxious. The hours od about 5.30pm to 8pm were so stressful for me. TBH it only started to get better a few months ago but it got exponentially better to the point where I now no longer dread the evenings as much. He goes to sleep much easier and he can talk now so he can at least say words to express what he wants. Putting him to bed is really quite easy. He still occasionally wakes at night or early in the morning but he asks for a bottle and he has this and then goes back to sleep. So the ground hog day feeling is slowly subsiding. However, from what people day - it really is after 2 or 3 that you start to feel your life comes back so I have some time to go.
That is what scares me about the second - you go right back to the beginning.....

I hope that helps.

BellaCB, I also have a three month old and could have written your post. Esp the part about DP. Wonderful and supportive, but still free in a way I don't ever think I'll be again.

Initially for a first week or two it was the mad hormones along with lack of sleep that caused awful, awful tearyness. Horrible. There was also the initial breastfeeding problems - nipple pain and terrible guilt/feeling like a awful Mother and feeling like a failure when it turned out everything was fine really and I was just experiencing fairly normal problems that were easily overcome with some research and experimentation. Hormones made that hard to appreciate at the time though. I also didn't know initially that is is normal for babies to want to feed all the time, literally, with very little time (a few minutes a day!) when they are not feeding or seeming to feed! Wish I had realised that! I thought I didnt have enough milk or something was wrong, and now wish I'd realsied that everything was fine and that babies just enjoy suckling all the time at first.
After that all was great for a good 6 months or so, then there was going back to work. Still on that one. Still hate it!

Goldrill - my lovely DH was the same. He was brilliant (and still is) in many, many ways but absolutely couldn't function with disturbed sleep in any way that was pleasant to be around. We've been together 13 years and he has never spoken unpleasantly or unkindly to me in all that time, but after 4 nights with a newborn he snapped at me. I took over the nights - he was more use to me, functioning, during the day and I've always been good at coping with little sleep.

The feeling I had brought this perfect creature into the world, but was so far from being a perfect mother for her; a total feeling of inadequacy compounded by breast-feeding problems (I still suspect undiagnosed tongue-tie based on how different it was with DC2). I was PFB, but also set myself up to fail with impossible ideals of how it was supposed to be. Feeling generally crap that this wasn't something I was 'good' at or enjoying. Took me about 9 months to adjust (when DC1 started sleeping through...)