Back in the Zoo for new adventures with old friends

(1000 Posts)
CaptainNemo Tue 13-Dec-11 16:25:20

Come on over animals, I think we'll be very comfy here smile

gomurray Sun 09-Dec-12 20:57:58

Buddha what a PITA that you have to wait another cycle before you can have bloods done. I guess on the bright side it is not stopping you TTC though so at least you are in with a shot - I am so frustrated not being in with a chance this cycle. I'll have everything crossed for you mrs. IKWYM about these 'targets' we set ourselves - it is impossible to avoid but adds sooo much extra pressure which we could do without. I would love to have a laidback approach to ttc but it is not something you ever go into wanting 'a little bit' - it is all consuming as it is something you want more than anything else. Anyway, keep me posted xx

Mummy are you planning another one ?... Exciting ! It is funny that you have the envy feeling of others who are PG even before you are ttc - it is such a strange old game this ttc malarky. Did you see the piece recently in the press about fertility envy ? Really interesting and came out a day after I'd found out about a PG friend so helped me feel like less of a complete cow for feeling envy about her success.

I am actually doing fine at the moment - took a huge wobble on Friday, not sure why - possibly down to PG friend complaining about how tricky it is to lie about why she is not drinking at Xmas nights out etc... she was not being insensitive at all as she is very aware of my situation and had a MC herself a week after me this time last year - it is just so hard listening to her sometimes and wishing I was there too. Exactly one year ago today I found out that my baby had died - I will never forget the sonographer putting her hand on my arm and telling me that she was so sorry but there was no heartbeat - my whole world just felt like it collapsed and I had to turn to DS and explain that this baby brother/sister had died sad. Why oh why did I take him to the scan sad. Anyway, have a busy week at work which is good for taking my mind off things. I plan to have some time to myself on Tuesday evening with the memory box - shed a few tears and have some wine, raise a glass to my wee boy. Shit, blubbing now. I also plan to do something which I have planned to do for a year now - am a bit annoyed at myself for not getting round to it. There were things about the delivery that were not made clear to me beforehand e.g. that I would be asked whether I wanted to hold my baby, we could have photos taken, we could take a blanket to have him wrapped in. We only found these things out from google and I really think that other people should be made aware as many people will choose not to google when they are given this heartbreaking news. We also got the idea of taking a photo of the 3 of us (the saddest photo ever) and writing a message for our baby and asking for the photo to be kept with him at all times. Anyway, I will finally get round to writing my letter of 'suggestion' (not really complaint as they treated us so well) and send it off on Tuesday to mark the day with some positive action.
Anyway, rambling now ! I'll pop back later in the week and let you know how I'm getting on, thanks for listening ladies xx

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sun 09-Dec-12 22:20:22

Murray hmm sad sad day for you today hmm but I think that is an excellent idea to write your letter of suggestion, if it means another set of parents going through the same awful situation has a slightly easier time because of it, will give you something good from the whole terrible Experience. I'm sure DS has bounced back with no repercussions from the scan, it's more about how we feel for them isn't it?

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Tue 11-Dec-12 06:39:17

Murray Thinking of you and your lost little one today, be kind to yourself and let yourself grieve
"Those we have held in our arms for a little while, we hold in our hearts forever."
Author unknown

murray sad hope you (and your DH) were as well as can be expected yesterday. your letter is a good idea too i think. I wrote a letter of complaint for how my first MC was handled but never sent it as my mum convinced me i was being melodramatichmm to be honest it helped to write it down for me too...{{{{{{{massive hugs}}}}}}

Hi Buddha and MummyLtdsmile

DH and I have decided to TTC again for a little while and see how we go... it has been 5 years 2 months since we started and it just seems a waste of time to give up now...i also happen to be on CD35 with no signs things will changehmm i havent tested and dont plan to until next week...just dont see the point in early testing any more plus DH has banned megrin

gomurray Wed 12-Dec-12 21:14:50

Hi HoHoHo that is lovely news that you are TTC again - everything crossed for you. Do you have any idea when you ov'd ? Are you late ?.. Let us know when you are testing mrs xx

Buddha what about you ?... any 2ww symptoms ?... when is AF due ?

Well yesterday was just another day and I was in fine spirits all day - been feeling far better this week than the previous few weeks actually. As planned I sat down and typed up the letter than has been in my head for the last year. Then I decided to check the info that they gave us after the 20 wk scan and it turns out that there is a leaflet that tells you pretty much everything I wanted to suggest ! I guess our heads were all over the place and we didn't read through it all properly. So, I felt good about getting my thoughts on paper but didn't actually email it off in the end ! I then sat down with the memory box and opened the hand and foot prints that were taken - not sure why I had never had the courage to look at them before, but I am so glad I did - the prints are perfect and so, so tiny, about the size of my thumb nail and strangely like adults hands/feet as I guess he hadn't got to the chubby baby stage where they put on fat. Anyway, I had a good old blub and DP came up to find me sobbing. Initially he wanted to 'fix' me and stop me looking then he gave in and sat with me and went through all of the cards and little momentoes we kept, like scan photos, the blanket of love he had been wrapped in and the teddy the hospital gave us. We didn't look at the photo though - a step too far as we chose not to see him after the delivery. So, it has passed and it went well smile. Onwards and upwards !

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sun 16-Dec-12 08:07:36

HoHoHo Welcome back and good news on the ttc front smile Let us know when you're testing bi take it things are resolved or better with you and dh now? grin
Murray I think the build up is always worse than the actual day of the anniversary, sounds as if you paid a fitting tribute to your little man smile

Af was due yesterday but arrived last Tuesday hmm so naffed off hmm
Really hit me for six and I've been vile all week, can't keep on like this. Had a heart to heart with dh he's been putting off his tests as he's worried it's his fault we've not conceived. So I've repeated what he used to say to me when we had our m/cs "I married you for who you are, not what you can give me" Anyway he's diabetic, I'm old and fat so chances are slim wink Seriously though we've decided to put a shelf life on it as I can't go on feeling this crap and miserable every month, I will go insane and I'm so snappy and irritable with everyone once a month it's worse than pmt! We will get all our tests done and referral to hospital, see what they suggest and then if nothing's happened stop next June when I'm 41. Pg is not kind to me, the chances of spd returning earlier and worse are increased and every pg I've had awful m/s and combined with 9 months of worry like last time if takes so much out of me. At least if we've done all the tests we can't have any regrets or "what ifs"
I can't say it's been an easy decision, I can't say it doesn't hurt (it breaks my heart) but its the right one for us long term

gomurray Wed 19-Dec-12 21:59:05

Awww Buddha my heart goes out to you mrs, I know exactly how you feel. It is so difficult when it doesn't work out and you end up so irritable that everyone around you gets it in the neck - then you feel like crap about that too sad. I am soooo short tempered and moody a lot of the time (not as bad right now as I was a few weeks back) but it is no way to live your life, such a horrible place to be. I can offer nothing but empathy and virtual hugs. I also know how you feel about putting a shelf life on it. I originally had Xmas as our deadline but now that we are having the tests done I am thinking that I will try for 2-3 cycles after we get results and if I continue to have MCs then we will have to move on with life and accept our gorgeous boy as an only child - like you say it breaks my heart but I cannot continue with the emotional ups and downs and moodiness that it brings. And finally I am with you on the "trying everything" approach - at least if we both hit June and have no success we will always be able to look back and know that we gave it our all and there was nothing more we could have done (without driving ourselves and those around us mad). I'm with you all the way xx
On the bright side, we are both free to enjoy a few Xmas tipples guilt free - enjoy yourself Buddha, you deserve a lovely relaxing festive season xxxx

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sun 23-Dec-12 20:10:16

HoHoHo Any news on your cycle?
Murray It's so great to have someone who completely understands where I'm at, thanks for all your support and kindness, especially this year whilst you've been going through the mill yourself smile I hope Santa brings you all you wish for and you HoHoHo grin

Merry nearly Christmas ladies wine

gomurray Fri 28-Dec-12 14:16:07

Hey ladies ! Hope you had a fab Christmas - lots of relaxing and drinking of wine going on here smile

Buddha I hope you took advantage of the opportunity to sink lots of festive tipples and that santa was very good to you. What is next on your agenda in terms of TTC ?

I had day 29 (equivalent of day 21) bloods taken today - we had friends round last night and went to bed at 3am after LOTS of wine so it was a shaky start, esp as I had bloods appt ay 9.30am ! I hope they just measure hormone levels and not alcohol levels !! I am a but despondent about the hormone tracking this cycle as y post-ov temps have been incredibly low so I suspect that I haven't ov'd this cycle - bloody typical sad. The same happened to you a couple of cycles back, didn't it Buddha ? I am starting to wonder whether I am now chasing this for all the wrong reasons - to make up for what we lost as opposed to still really wanting a baby - I know that must sound strange but I am so fed up with it all and things between DP and I are not great ATM - maybe need to put more effort into saving my relationship and forget about this stressful nonsense - doing my head in. Plus I have 2 close friends with babies due any day (1 was induced ystday) and my closest mummy friend is 9 weeks PG - I m dreading her telling her daughter the news as she will be so excited and chatting about it constantly, I just know that E will start up his questions again about when I will have a baby in my tummy again as he wants a baby too. I know he doesn't really understand the implications of a sibling but it still kills me to hear him ask for the one thing I want to give him but can't sad

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sat 29-Dec-12 09:54:09

Murray We seem to be swinging through the same roller coaster of emotions regarding ttc, how does DH feel about it all? I had a positive ov test Christmas Eve so would have ov'd 24/36 hrs later, bloods booked for 2/1/13. DH still has to sort his tests out. angry I am wondering where my heads at though as my friend had a baby and I visited the wk before Christmas for a cuddle and didn't feel remotely broody?? hmmHas your friend had her baby yet? It's

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sat 29-Dec-12 09:58:30

Apologies for split post but on phone app and my crap memory isn't good. It's hard when your ds asks about having another baby, their innocence makes it so heart wrenching hmmE came with me on our latest baby visit and was so good with him, kept touching him so gently and wanting to hold his hand etc it was adorable but a killer at the same time!

Hi ladiessmile

Hope everyone had a good Xmas and new year!

murray sorry you are feeling despondent about it all...I get it...I swing between really feeling I can't just give up to questioning the reasons why I can't give up IYSWIM it has been 5 years and 3 months so effectively 60+ cycle opportunities minus a few pregnant pauses[har de har] and we are no further on today than when we began TTC in oct 2007... it gets so garbled and confusing that it may help to take a step back and put the BBT thermometer away for a few cycles, spend some time with your DH and DS, get back in touch with what made you start to TTC again and evaluate whether you want that now...

buddha how were your blood tests? Hs your cycle gone to plan do you think?

AF arrived for me on 14th dec on the morning before our work night outhmm typical! I ended up going home straight from the meal as I had pains and felt like shite! Any who I'm up to nearly 2/3 of the way through this cycle with barely any bedroom action under my belt <ahem> but not stressing out about it as I am trying to get my head around the fact that we may simply never have another baby...all the TTC in the world couldn't get me a sticky pregnancy for 5 years so what is another cycle?...

BuddhaBellyXmasBaubles Sun 06-Jan-13 10:12:38

It's such a shame all three of us are in the same boat hmm but good to have company iykwim wink
Bloods done this week and showed ov took place (at last as it wasn't picked up last two times) af arrived today hmm
HoHoHo You can make up for the lack of action this cyclewink
Murray How's things with you?

gomurray Sun 06-Jan-13 14:26:03

Happy New Year ladies !

Hope you are all well and recovering from the festivities.

Buddha what is happening with your bloods/cycle mrs ? Love the pic of E with his daddy and potty - your boys look so alike !!!

Marbles good on you sticking at it for so long, I know I would have either given up or gone out of my mind by now ! Any sign of ov or action ?...

Moomin where are you hiding ? Nice pics of your London trip... is that the guy you mentioned before ....? very handsome !!

I'm feeling a bit more upbeat about things. Had last set of bloods taken yesterday (turned out to be CD3 instead of my equivalent of 14dpo !!!). Nurse said that some results are back so have made an appt with GP for 2 weeks time. I will also start chasing the MC clinic bloods next week so it is all systems go albeit I have to bear in mind that answers may still be a long way off - nothing ever seems to happen as quickly as I'd like it to ! Onwards and upwards smile

gomurray Sun 06-Jan-13 14:28:22

Buddha sorry I typed the previous message ystday but the site was down so it didn't post - now that I posted it I read the messages and saw your post. Glad you ov'd this cycle - are they measuring your hormone levels ? What are next steps for you ?

I'm here. Always lurking, and thinking of you ladies. I remember the frustration of ttc so well. It's lovely that the support in this thread is still continuing.

Lovely time in London. Yup, that's him. He's fab- really lovely with kids, excellent city job, really kind and understanding. Sounds too good to be true.
Kids have been with their dad this weekend so I went back to London and am on the train back. grin

gomurray Sun 06-Jan-13 18:29:07

sooo Moomin I assume you are now in a relationship with London man ?... You sound really happy which is the main thing. Does DH (former DH - or whatever he is now) still live in the loft ?... wink

No! He's moved out, but still comes back to look after the smalls. Works for now...

Hi ladies smile

moomin good to see you smile was only thinking of you yesterday! You sound happier in your posts so I take it the new man is helping?wink how is J? Last I heard he wasn't too well? Better I hope?

murray hope all is well fro you and the MC clinics appt comes through quick!

buddha good news about Ov, not so good about AF!

I have been a bit shit the past few days...so tired and sleeping all dayhmm so I think I'm in the midst of a Lupus flare sad achy body etc feel drained...AF due next week ish and there is next to zero chance of any womb based action so another cycle under my belt...

Try and rest up. It's the only thing that will get you through this flare up. Just be kind to yourself and rest when you need to.

J is so much better. He had enlarged lymph nodes and dodgy bloods and we thought the worst. He's improving since seeing consultant though which is a good sign. He's also been dairy free for a week now (he's always been intolerant but recently decided to cut it out) and his appetite is amazing and he's slept through the night- can't believe the difference

Thread killer?

gomurray Tue 08-Jan-13 18:33:04

Marbles how are you mrs ? Hope you are looking after yourself. If you are having a lupus flare up prob best to leave TTC until you are in full health. Look after yourself xx

Moomin that must have been soooo scary with J being poorly. So glad he is heaps better and that the dairy free diet has made such a big difference. E has started having night terrors - had actually has them for almost a year but we only recently realised what it was and that he wasn't just taking the p!ss ! Anyway, after his 4th bday we insisted that he started to sleep with the light out (previously he refused) and his sleep has been sooo much better - don't want to jinx it though as I have only just got used to a full night's sleep on a regular basis smile. Sleeping boy = happy mummy !!!!

Buddha how are you my dear ? Did bloods show anything of interest other than the fact that you ov'd ? Are they testing for hormones or anything else ? Just wondered whether you are still waiting for possible answers ?

I called consultants's PA today and left a message so hopefully hear back soon - if not I will just keep calling wink.

gomurray Wed 09-Jan-13 20:34:21

I got an appt for the end of the month - hurray ! At least we will know if there is a 'fix' or whether we have to just keep trying... so glad as I had suspected it would be months before we got consultant appt grin

What is it with boys and not wanting to sleep? L slept so well from six months.

So pleased you've got your appointment.

I had a rheumatology appointment through - only waited nine months for it! wink

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