Mumsnet Talk

Passing the Lewis Grassic Gibbon centre I suggested we stop and visit and have afternoon tea. As we got in the door, dh looks around and says "I can't see the monkeys" me "what?" Dh "maybe they are behind the curtain" me

I can't resist. Here are a few more (not animal related though)....

Sat in hotel lobby waiting for bingo to start
DH: (looking at bingo machine) What's that number?
Me: It's....
DH: (interrupts) Is it the number of people in this room?
Me: No. It's the bingo machine.
DH: I can probably count the number of people in this room.
Me: Only probably?
DH: I mean, I definitely could
(There were approx 30 people in the room. DH did not attempt to count them. The number on the bingo machine was 72.)

DH: (pointing at purple-ish sunset) What colour would you say that is? Purple or blue?
Me: Mauve
DH: Morph?
Me: No, mauve
DH: Morph is brown
Me: Not Morph, mauve!
DH: Oh. What colour is that then?
Me: Sort of purple-ish
DH: Hmmm, mauve. How do you spell that then? M A U V E?
Me: Yes.
DH: Mauve. I'm learning stuff

DH: (smugly) I know what you think when you look at me.
Me: Oh yes?
DH: Yes. You look at me and think 'penis'.
Me: Yep. Not going to argue with that.
DH: (no longer smug) That came out wrong

Yer never too old to learn eh? MAUVE

Not DH but MIL years ago after meeting VERY lovely, friendly and gushingly camp neighbour

"He's lovely he is...I don't know why he's not married."

Thanks, OliviaMNHQ! How often does the Classics Nomination Sub Committee meet?! Do we need to supply you The Committee with gin, cakes, chocolate <insert vice of your choice>?

I do hope The Committee can see its way to moving this to Classics in due course.

(At this rate Dawn could have a thread all to herself about her DH's sayings )

I am sitting here laughing like a loon! Mauve, trexing, spiders being bodies with eyes!!! Hahahahahaha, I'm in pain and weeping.

Thank you OP

"Morph is brown" That is Classic <hint hint hint MNHQ>

DH makes me laugh so much. He's like an alien....I love it

One more...

DH: What are girl horses called? I know boy horses are stallions.
Me: Mares
DH: Oh (looks unconvinced)
Me: You've heard the word mares before. What did you think it meant?
DH: I thought it was a type of horse
Me: What do you mean a type of horse? Name another type then.
DH: Stallions
Me: No, you know that's a boy horse
DH: Donkeys then. They're like baby horses.
Me: They're not though
DH: (suspiciously) Oh.

Dawn, my DP thinks the aliens his friends are going to come and take him 'home' some time soon ............. in fact occasionally he makes me leave the bedroom windows and curtains open so they know where to find him .............. but he seems to be a little better 'trained' by his alien friends than your DH. Mine only comes out with the odd daft remark. Yours is a true idiot genius

I wonder if they're from the same planet FruOla...? Depending on how their society works I think DH is either their king or the planet idiot

Given their respective ages, I think my DP is the 'old guy idiot' that they just pander to (and I secretly suspect they don't actually want to collect him at all, just leave him here with us Earthlings to deal with!). Whilst, at least, your DH is young enough for 'more training' <SNORT>

thank you, crying with laughter and just marking the spot as I have to go now but i will continue reading tomorrow

It was ds birthday and his presents were hidden away upstairs. Dp said I'll go and fetch them you'll only drop them or something. Two seconds later he fell down the stairs with all the presents.
We were in bed and ds was winding dp up tickling him and running off. Dp had enough, jumped up to get ds got his foot caught on the bed and fell flat on his face. Ds ended up sat by his head looking shocked. I can't breathe for laughing every time I remember this and it was over 2 years ago now.

I've said this before, my DH told me very seriously that he needed to see a doctor about his vulva.

He meant uvula. I was really tempted not to correct him.

The other evening DP accused me of cooking a 'beige' supper. When I asked him what he meant he said "well, it's all beige .... all one colour .... I wanted some colour on my plate" (we had a pie, mashed potato and cauliflower cheese). It wasn't so much that he wanted green vegetables, just some different colours . I told him that next time I'd put some food colouring in the mash

This weekend me and DH were talking about a maths test he has to ake as part of a qualification he's doing. It should be really easy but we were joking about him having to count on his fingers, etc

DH: Haha...well let's see...I've got 8 fingers, 2 thumbs and 4 toes. Wait...that's not right is it?

<face palm emoticon needed>

I have literally laughed out loud at that, Dawn!

Not only at the fact that he's lost count of how many fingers, thumbs and toes (various) he has - but I have a vision of MrDawn having to take his shoes and socks off, during the maths test, to use all 20 wiggly bits to do his counting <SNORT>

<now weeping with laughter, goes for a lie-down to recover!>

At my 12 week scan the sonographer pointed to a chair and said to my boyfriend that he should sit there if he wanted to get a good view of his baby.

He turned round and said 'I'm not even sure if it's my baby'. The sonographer didn't know what to say.

DP still doesn't know what made him say that. I have just about forgiven him.

Dawn you should write a blog or something! Then when your DH gains a following you can get rich by selling all of his hilarities in book form and on t-shirts.