What is the most unintentionally funny thing your DP has said or done?

(169 Posts)
Psammead Wed 23-Jan-13 21:34:31

When I was in labour with Dd2 and having fairly strongish contractions, I asked Dh to play some silly games to take my mind of it all for a bit. Just something really easy and childish where I wouldn't have to think too hard. I suggested 20 questions. I went first and he guessed it quite quickly (heliopter, I think), and then it was his turn. I must have asked 50 questions. Totally clueless. Very frustrated. No closer to guessing it than I was after question 1. So I asked him to just tell me the answer. You know what he had picked? As something simple and easy as a quick distraction while his wife was preparing to push out a 9 pounder?

The Nobel Prize for Physics.

The Nobel fricking prize for sodding physics.

I laughed so hard when he revealed the answer that a midwife came running in as the comtraction chart went all screwy.

Psammead Thu 24-Jan-13 07:47:19

Omg some of these are brilliant!

If my mum was here, she might tell you about the time my dad was in the loo, and we could hear him blowing furiously every few seconds. Pffff! Ppfffffff!!! Pffffffffffffff!!! It was hysterical. When he finally emerged, we asked him what was all the blowing about? He replied 'Well, I was sitting there, you know, and a spider came down from the ceiling! And I didn't know what to do, so I blew it, but it kept swinging back towards my face so I had to keep blowing it and blowing it' at this point, mum and me were in tears of laughter. So dad huffily grunted 'well laugh all you want, but it worked. It ran back up its ladder'

That cracks me up just thinking about it!

FruOla Thu 24-Jan-13 08:26:13

The other day DP was talking about the Oscar Wilde film he'd just watched on TV. He decided to Google Oscar Wilde and was reading the Wikipedia entry. The conversation went something like this :

DP : I didn't realise that he was imprisoned in both Wandsworth and Reading gool
Me : Jail
DP : No, gool
Me : No, jail
DP : No - it says gool
Me : How's it spelt?
DP : G A O L
Me : Yes, G A O L is pronounced jail
DP : confused what do you mean?
Me : Jail can be spelt J A I L or G A O L - they're both pronounced jail not gool
DP : blush
Me : grin <roar>

LegoAcupuncture Thu 24-Jan-13 08:28:49

Oops yes, undertaker blush. I always get those two mixed up. Maybe I should be a bloke as well?

IDrankAllTheGravy Thu 24-Jan-13 08:33:02

Hahaha love some of these!

The only thing I can remember at the moment is from years ago when we were living in Newcastle, DP walked down to meet me from work and was stood near that church opposite the train station and there was something like a bishops meeting going on.
He rang me all excited saying "gravy, you should see the amount of Popes stood outside this church!"

Ahh it proper tickled me, still laugh about it now!

IDrankAllTheGravy Thu 24-Jan-13 08:34:45

Oh well I've learnt something new from FruOla, always thought that was pronounced 'gay-ol'!

PulyaSochsup Thu 24-Jan-13 09:02:49

Finishing emails with chow smile

BeaWheesht Thu 24-Jan-13 09:03:47

Ds recently took us out for lunch and when we got there he said 'I wonder where the kids play bit is?' - I told him there wasn't one an he insisted saying there was a 'family run' because it said on the sign - presumably a bit like a rabbit run but bigger????grin

BeaWheesht Thu 24-Jan-13 09:30:14

Dh not ds

Cortana Thu 24-Jan-13 09:48:21

DP once had a tooth out and needed lots of numbing injections, they didn't work, so the dentist gave him sedatives and some other bumpf in a big needle.

Driving to Tesco after to pick him up some soup. He leans over to me in the car and says ever so seriously "I keep tasting hotdogs"

In Tesco he was no better. He t-rexed round with the basket all excited for soup, then giggled and loudly said "BEEP" every time something was scanned.

MadameOvary Thu 24-Jan-13 09:54:36

After explaining the concept of vanilla sex to new DP, who hasn't a kinky bone in his body I was amused when he referred to it as "magnolia" grin

MiniEggsinJanuary Thu 24-Jan-13 09:57:24

DH thought that 50 Cent's song In Da Club contained the lyrics "Go, Charlotte, it's your birthday"!!!

He also once had a sore throat in France and confidently declared to the pharmacist "Je m'appelle Strepsil ... Limon Strepsil". All said with a very French accent. He was most embarrassed about forgetting the word "citron"!!

Bless him!

TheCatIsEatingIt Thu 24-Jan-13 09:59:16

Friend comes to stay, and we arrange to meet his sister for a drink, as she lives near me. For at least a week I'm telling XP the plans, meeting Dfriend's SISTER at this pub, going out with DFRiend and his SISTER on Saturday night, ooh, must remember to tell DFriend's SISTER her favourite band's touring soon etc - we get to the pub, twat ex asks friend and sister "how do you know each other then?"

ToriaPumpkin Thu 24-Jan-13 10:01:16

I think magnolia sex is a pretty perfect description of some encounters I've had grin

DH made me a birthday cake one year. He knows that my favourite cake is chocolate sponge with raspberry jam in the middle and melted chocolate on the top because that's what my mum made when I was a child.

So he made a beautiful light chocolate cake, smothered it in melted chocolate and then realised there was no jam. Instead of going out to get some, or filling it with buttercream, he filled it with thick shred marmalade. Points for trying but I cannot, and never have been able to, abide marmalade.

LittleMissStupid Thu 24-Jan-13 10:01:34

when discussing birthing options with DH, i made a joke about having a C-section and tummy tuck at the same time. DH pulled looked all shock and sad and said but i dont want you ' to get cut from your fanny up to your ribs' confused

I asked him that the hell he was on about, and he explained that he though CS were done by cutting up from your fanny, all though your public bone, and up to your ribs. confused He looked a bit relieved when i told him it was normally just a small scar bikini line level. He should really know better, he has a daughter already!!

cyanarasamba Thu 24-Jan-13 10:02:03

Not DP, by my DM. Her and my DF were chatting about their holiday to Gran Canaria, abroad, and said they were planning to take their scrabble board with them so they could play every night after dinner.

I suggested that the games room in the hotel might have a set they could use. DM looked at me all confused and said "But won't it be in Spanish?".

FruOla Thu 24-Jan-13 10:16:07

Perhaps not quite as daft as it sounds, cyanarasamba, I think Scrabble has different amounts of each letter relative to the language of the country that the game is sold in, IYSWIM. But I see what you were getting at grin

A few years ago DP and I were on holiday in Suffolk. One day we stopped at a pub for lunch and the table we were sitting at was facing the chalkboard listing all the guest beers, which included one from the brewery local to where we live (and which owns our local pub). Pointing at the chalkboard, I said "oh look, DP, they sell X beer. That's unusual for a pub so far out". He looked at the list of beers for a while and then, with a rather perplexed look on his face, said "but what's 'Guest Beer', I've never heard of it?" It took me quite some time to explain that it wasn't actually a brand of beer ....

spiderlight Thu 24-Jan-13 10:17:00

This will totally out me to everyone who knows me, but sod it.

Home birth. 7cm dilated, about twelve hours into labour, sitting on teh sofa chatting to the midwife in a brielf lull etween contractions.Phone rings and DH picks it up:
-Hello? Yes, she is. Who's calling please? OK, hold on one moment.
tries to pass receiver to me
-It's the bank.
The midwife and I just looked at each other. There was a long, long pause, and then DH took the phone back and said - and I quote - 'Actually, could you call back another time? She's having a baby at the moment.'

I then spent the next seven hours of labour worrying in case I was overdrawn or somebody had cloned my card hmm

MummyPig24 Thu 24-Jan-13 10:19:23

The other night Dp and I were in the bathroom, me cleaning my teeth, him having a wee. He was talking to me then oulled this hilarious "rodent orgasm" face and shuddered. I lost it, couldn't stop laughing for ages especially as it was totally involuntary.

ThedementedPenguin Thu 24-Jan-13 10:19:23

These are brilliant. I'm away to think of some and then shall be back smile

DH : Where's the Paedophile?

Me: confused

DH: You know, the paedophile! Where is it?

Me: confused confused

DH: I want to do my feet!

Me: <penny drops> I think you mean the ped-egg, not the ped-o-file. grin

A friend of ours recently told us that her mum was an identical twin. DP pipes up 'oh, so does she have a brother or a sister?' - 'um, she's an IDENTCIAL twin'... He looked nonplussed for quite some time as I sat crying with laughter. His defence 'well I thought they could be different sexes but have the same face'!!

fuzzpig Thu 24-Jan-13 10:49:06

Took me a while to work out what was wrong with "with a duck duck there..." blush

We were in Nandos a few years back and DH vigorously shook the ketchup bottle (one of the retro glass ones), but the lid wasn't on properly and ketchup went all over the pristine white walls of the booth grin

He says daft things so often that I don't really remember them IYSWIM, but I was confused and shock to learn that until he was in his early teens he didn't realise that women poo. He thought only men/boys did!

FarelyKnuts Thu 24-Jan-13 11:05:15

Having a conversation about a colleague with my DP and I said "I think he's a Mormon" she pipes up "that's a bit harsh, he's not that bad"..... She thought I had called him a moron grin

SaladIsMyFriend Thu 24-Jan-13 11:16:57

I was splodging a load of Farrow & Ball testers on some card yesterday and ran through the colours with DH. He came back later to look at them dry and announced:

"I like that one - kelp"

<Runs to colour chart to check if "kelp" is a real F&B colour>

Absy Thu 24-Jan-13 12:09:13

DH's dept was having a "mini Olympics" and he had been chosen to run in the 400 m relay because he's the youngest but he wasn't exactly that fit at the time.

One evening, I was stood in the bedroom and he just started shuddering and moving to the other side of the bed - I honestly thought he was having some kind of fit. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he said "training for my race".

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