What is the most unintentionally funny thing your DP has said or done?

(169 Posts)
Psammead Wed 23-Jan-13 21:34:31

When I was in labour with Dd2 and having fairly strongish contractions, I asked Dh to play some silly games to take my mind of it all for a bit. Just something really easy and childish where I wouldn't have to think too hard. I suggested 20 questions. I went first and he guessed it quite quickly (heliopter, I think), and then it was his turn. I must have asked 50 questions. Totally clueless. Very frustrated. No closer to guessing it than I was after question 1. So I asked him to just tell me the answer. You know what he had picked? As something simple and easy as a quick distraction while his wife was preparing to push out a 9 pounder?

The Nobel Prize for Physics.

The Nobel fricking prize for sodding physics.

I laughed so hard when he revealed the answer that a midwife came running in as the comtraction chart went all screwy.

Jojobump1986 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:04:52

Well....

Me: "If we had a pet chimp I could train it to fetch me coke & chocolate & crisps! What more does a girl need?!"
DH: "A man?" <long pause, me giggling> "What?! Oh, I didn't mean like that! I just meant... Oh, never mind!"

"If snow were black it would melt a lot faster."

"Was I being too loud? I was preaching to the Christmas tree."

"Before you go to sleep, if you're driving the car & you hear a rattling sound, it's a snail shell under the bonnet."

"I suppose God invented KFC for occasions such as these!"

Singing Old MacDonald: "With a duck, duck here..."

"It seems like an appropriate time of day for a poo."

Beginning to wonder why I married him...! grin

florry88 Wed 23-Jan-13 22:05:07

hey Lego hes been watching morcambe and wise

LegoAcupuncture Wed 23-Jan-13 22:07:49

Snort @ duck duck here.

foslady Wed 23-Jan-13 22:13:08

1st exh on me winning him some fishing gear so he could start fishing again after giving up a few years earlier and regretting it 'This is the best thing you could of got me - every time I've being driving in the car and passed water I've thought about fishing......'
And another time when he was dropping me off at the station for a weekend away, on realising how many bags I'd stupidly brought I said the biblical (mis)quote 'Pick up thy bags and walk'. He couldn't work out why I was laughing when he replied puzzled 'But you've only got 3 bags, not 5......'

PommePoire Wed 23-Jan-13 22:13:47

Last week (when it first snowed round our way) I had to go for a smear test and afterwards, was telling DH about something the nurse had said to me that made me laugh. It was freezing cold in the room and she jokingly offered to warm the speculum on the teeny tiny hot air blower heater thing, under her desk. Obviously she was joking so I duly laughed and made some lame quip along the lines of 'better not; if it got really hot it might cook my insides.' Tee hee.

DH looks utterly baffled and then hestitatingly ventures: "But isn't the speculum for seeing better?"

Me: Well, yes, but it's more for access really, isn't it? Because it holds the cervix open.

DH: But... but... oh my God, I thought it was like a floor lamp so they can, you know, see up inside you?

Me: Whaddya mean floor lamp? Up?

DH: Well, I dunno to light up your insides, when you're standing there and she's like kneeling there... ...DH grinds to an embarrassed halt as he sees my face.

He only thought you have a smear test STANDING UP! Standing up over a kind of Ikea up-lighter flood light thingy (called a speculum) while the nurse kneels between your slightly ajar thighs wielding her wooden lolly stick, I suppose.

SirBoobAlot Wed 23-Jan-13 22:14:45

I was in the day unit waiting for an operation, on NBM, we had been in the hospital for about five hours. DP popped out to text my parents and update them, and to move the car. He came back about half hour later. Asked him if he was alright as it had taken quite a while, he said it was fine, but looked a tad guilty. I was anxious as hell, so asked for a hug, he came and wrapped his arms around me, and I realised his jumper was covered in pastry crumbs.

The sneaky fucker had gone for an apple turnover without me shock

I called him on the crumbs, and he got very flustered, eventually blurting out, "I was so bloody hungry, I ran down to the bakery, and then drank a bottle of water so you couldn't taste it and it wouldn't make you hungry. I'm really sorry, I just needed to eat."

It was hilarious, he felt so guilty. I had a pastry delivered to me on the ward the following morning wink I'm due another operation in six weeks time, I have started winding him up already...

When he was reading out loud to me a newspaper article that he'd found funny. "I couldn't understand why I felt so fatig-ud" I was like "you what? Read that again?" After he read it several more times I snatched the newspaper from him to see that fatig-ud was actually fatigued.

Another time was when we were at a famous landmark on holiday and there were lots of tourists with cameras. DH turned back to me to point something out but as he stopped it was too late and he was standing bang splat in the middle of a group of Japanese tourists who were lined up behind him smiling for the camera. All 6 foot 4 of him pointing his hand and arm at full length just as the photo was taken.

tethersend Wed 23-Jan-13 22:18:23

DP is French- he says a lot.

Tonight he looked at me with concern and told me he thought I was a bit run over and I should have a rest.

He's got a point.

DH taught DS the concept of BOO! When DS was 2. Cue hours of endless pretending to be scared at his cute Booing.

Few days later, DH is having a pee, usual stance, legs wide hips forward.... DS creeps up and shouts BOO. DH pees all over floor and has a complete fit of rage.

I couldn't stop laughing for hours. He still doesn't see the funny side.

DH informed my poor, impressionable ds5 that cavemen and women were alive....^with the dinosaurs^.

And when I finally stopped laughing and told him: er no, actually, they weren't, he googled it because he didn't believe me!!!

His explanation: what about all those movies with the dinosaurs and cave people in?

PommePoire Wed 23-Jan-13 22:29:05

Oh tethers I love that you look 'a bit run over.' I used to have a French house mate who said things like: "I was wolfing down the stairs..." Or "it's so cold, I have duck bumps on my arms." He was always very indignant if we tried to tell him (ever so nicely) that wasn't quite right and would insist that what he'd said was correct English.

HoobleDooble Wed 23-Jan-13 22:30:23

The time he walked into a lamp post while watching a boat leaving a harbour.

The time (on the same day as the lamp post) he tried to cut into a pie in a pub, and managed to launch it off his plate and into the handbag of the woman on the next table.

The time we were getting frisky in the car and he asked me if I'd "cook his sock" - totally killed the passion!

betterwhenthesunshines Wed 23-Jan-13 22:30:27

Weekend away with friends, lovely specialist cheese shop so we send in DH to buy some lovely cheeses. There is a big queue of <tsk> tourists in there so he is gone a while and finally comes out grumbling slightly about how long he had to wait. So we get home and unwrap the bag of presumably unique and interesting cheeses to find he has bought... cheddar. Cue new nickname for him, hereafter known as Cheddar.

When DH was my boyfriend, we went to the cinema to see American Pie. The first one - it was a long time ago! He bought a BUCKET-sized Coke as he didn't read the sign properly.

He got up in the middle of the film to go to the toilet (see aforementioned bucket of Coke), tripped on the top step and did a full arse over tit, forward roll fall down the central stairs before landing on his feet and leaving the room. There was a sort of stunned silence in the cinema for a few seconds.

When DH made it back from the toilet, the entire cinema gave him a round of applause. He took a small bow. Still makes me grin.

parrotsandcarsnips Wed 23-Jan-13 22:38:33

lego you mean undertaker rather than caretaker??

scripsi Wed 23-Jan-13 22:45:47

My DH thought that you paid per letter on text messages. Which explains the yes/no texts I had from him for weeks when I first knew him.

My mum thought you should use the maximum amount of characters in each text or it was a waste! Loads of kisses and unnecessary bits of whimsy. Bless her.

LemonMousse Wed 23-Jan-13 22:52:07

DH told me 3 times that we needed a new hour shed.

I was "What?"

Him: "A new hour shed FFS"

When I said I had completely no idea what one of those was (and I really didn't!) he pondered for a minute, then realisation dawned and he said

"Fuck me - it's a SHOWER HEAD!" grin

ThinkAboutItOnBoxingDay Wed 23-Jan-13 22:56:23

Scripsi, why? Why would he think that? He must have really misread something!

Mockingcurl Wed 23-Jan-13 23:01:07

My husband,in a very bad mood, stomped off to go into the garden. He didn't see the cat, tripped over it, and landed arse first in the well used litter tray. grin

ots Wed 23-Jan-13 23:13:18

We were playing a quiz game on the Wii with some friends. It was a quick fire round, and DH's question was 'name something black'.
He was quiet for a few seconds and then said "squerrrrr". Then looked all embarrassed. He said that he meant to say squirrel, but actually meant skunk confused grin

MushroomSoup Wed 23-Jan-13 23:34:17

When I was dating my DH he took me for a romantic candlelit meal. He leaned over the table, took my hand and told me that I look beautiful in the dark!!!

stargirl1701 Wed 23-Jan-13 23:35:43

My DH thought I said. 'There's a walrus' when I was in labour. I actually said, That's my waters' grin

EllenJaneisstillnotmyname Wed 23-Jan-13 23:55:42

My ex H was moving some furniture into his new flat when he tripped and fell over the kerb, landing flat on his face. Luckily he was carrying a mattress at the time. grin He just lay on the pavement laughing...

Omg I've really got the giggles at this thread, especially "cook my sock"

Baahaha!! grin

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