INTROVERTS THREAD ...shhhh, we're over here

(814 Posts)

Hello fellow introverts. I hope the last thread exploded due to time since it was started, and not because it was controversial. grin

I started the original thread after reading the wonderful book quiet and realizing that I was not alone.

Lots of people were kind enough to share their thoughts and experiences, and it was a good support for those of us who like being alone; hate parties, especially hen nights; love reading, crafting, walking, painting, creating; enjoy solitude; need some recovery time after being in a crowd; prefer thought to action.

We are not necessarily shy, we can be confident and even outspoken, but we are at our happiest having a bit of a think on our own, thanks all the same

It's a bit odd to have a group of introverts, but I prefer to think of us as a collective. Separate but together.

As Christmas approaches, I thought we might need a thread to help us through it all

queenjellybelly Sat 20-Apr-13 08:13:23

Can I join in please? I'm rubbish at maintaining friendships & always thought it was too much effort. Social gatherings seem like a major ordeal & when I book a spa day on my own ( bliss!) people always look stunned & offer to come with (no thanks). I have to be confident in my job & talk to people all day but honestly can't be bothered with it in my personal life. It's good to know that I'm not alone by wanting to be a loner, IYSWIM wink!

orangeandlemons Sat 20-Apr-13 08:22:43

Perhaps you're an outgoing introvert? That's what I am. People often think I'm an extrovert, as I am can chat easily and am interested in people.

But my idea of hell would me a noisy party having to make mindless conversation. Although I can do it, I prefer to be curled up with a book miles away from anyone

MERLYPUSS Sun 21-Apr-13 08:44:16

I took DT2 to a party yesterday and he sat on my lap for a good half hour before he joined in the silly dancing. He really had to weigh it up whether it was worth the effort I think. People were asking why he wouldn't join in and the entertainer was trying to coax him onto the dance floor. I wanted to shout 'Leave him alone!' Eventually, he did join in but I got the distinct impression it was on his terms and he firmly dug his heels in to piss them off initially.
DT1 would've been in from the off. Such different kids.
DT2 loves sneaking off to play with small (hand sized) models like kinder egg stuff.

SeagullsAreLikeThat Sun 21-Apr-13 17:06:16

MERLY, that's my two exactly. DS1 will sit on my knee for an entire 2 hour party where DS2 will be straight into the middle of things before we've even handed the present over.

LandOfCross Fri 26-Apr-13 15:18:10

Found you again. We really do need our own section.

Anyway, speaking of parties, I was reading a thread earlier about an OP who detested soft play parties and I was wondering what would be an ideal birthday party for introverts - or is this perhaps a paradox? I would hate a birthday party now. Going out for a quiet breakfast with a friend is my ideal way of spending my birthday.

But why are children's birthday parties all geared towards the extrovert? As a child, I would have liked to hire out the library (magical place), and have my friends wander around and choose a book, before collapsing in a beanbag to read it, eating freshly-baked biscuits. Then we could all discuss our books (if we wanted to) before going home.

That to me, would have been the perfect party as a child. None of this soft play, fast food, rollerskating, running around and playing games malarchy.

exoticfruits Fri 26-Apr-13 15:33:55

I think they get such a hard time sometimes with parents who don't understand. Many is the thread where someone is wringing their hands because their DC didn't get invited to a party and probably their DC is only too pleased not to go. I hated parties at 5 yrs, and that was before people held whole class ones. At Christmas there is always the parent lamenting that their DC didn't get a main part when lots of DCs actually want to be in the chorus-preferably on the back row! It is always assumed that they must be lacking in some way and 'missing out' if they are not in the middle of a social whirl.

Oopla Fri 26-Apr-13 20:45:46

Asked ds if he'd like a party for his birthday with all his friends from nursery and he said "nahhhhh"

His idea of hell. Actually after the last few years of increasingly bigger/wackier ideas for birthday parties for DD this suits me fine!

Your library party sounds lush, you should have it for your next birthday!

SeagullsAreLikeThat Sat 04-May-13 21:13:24

Still on parties, I have, this week, declined an invitation on behalf of DS to a party he didn't want to go to. He was very clear that he didn't want to go, I didn't see the point in the friend's mum paying for him to go when he probably wouldn't enjoy it and she was really understanding and thanked me for letting her know in plenty of time.
I know I've done the right thing for DS but there is still a little judgey voice in my head saying " you shouldn't let him get out of these things, he needs to learn to handle situations he doesn't necessarily like, can't always be anti-social" etc etc. And yet I know I hate it when I'm forced into social situations so completely empathise. Where do you draw the line?

Am so looking forward to BH Monday: after a weekend of visiting we are having a day out for just the four of us, can't wait to have a nice, long, quiet car journey and a walk in the country with no small talk required smile

greenhill Sat 04-May-13 21:48:18

seagulls your BH Monday plans sound ideal. We had a long drive in the countryside looking at bluebell woods this afternoon, my 2 yo fell asleep in the car so my DH and DD went into her favourite museum and I read for 1.5 hours Parked in the shade. When my DS woke up, we all went to the museum cafe, sat in the sunshine, and had ice cream and cake.

When I was a teenager I used to lie and say that my parents wouldn't allow me to go to parties: the truth was that I hadn't told them about the parties, I just didn't want to go. I remember forcing myself to socialise when I was a child, I would spend ages psyching myself up to be able to leave the house. Oddly I was quite confident in general though.

SeagullsAreLikeThat Sat 04-May-13 23:27:53

Same here, greenhill. People think I'm confident but any group bigger than about four just leaves me completely lost for words. I end up just nodding and smiling lots and wishing I could be at home where it's quiet and there are no expectations of social intercourse!

Your day today sounds absolutely lovely.

Hellooo, can I join please?

About the psyching up, greenhill, I still do that now sad

greenhill Wed 08-May-13 07:32:13

Yes, the psyching up as an adult is more part of social conditioning in which you are expected to, for example, get the DC to school on time, to go to a work's drinks thing, to have play dates at your house and have to go to family parties etc. It is more tied up with social obligations and not having to put your own need for peace first.

For the record I hate play dates and sleepovers, my DD keeps asking for them, but I keep saying I'll ask the other person's mum and either not doing it or saying that they are very busy, or that we are busy those times. I did a lot of socialising when DD was a baby and have now whittled it back to the bare minimum. I don't always reciprocate either now. If my DD is invited to a proper party she always goes though, I'm not a meanie smile

Somethingtothinkabout Thu 09-May-13 00:20:45

Hello all smile

I'm really feeling the psyching up thing at the mo, I'm in the middle of 4 hen dos and 5 weddings at the minute and before each one I'm standing in my bedroom almost wanting to have a toddler tantrum because I don't want to go sad I dread having to be sociable in a large group of people I don't know, and just feel so socially awkward and as if the hen will be thinking "why did I invite Something, she's so boring". Gah.

SeagullsAreLikeThat Fri 10-May-13 17:09:19

Hello to Something and crushed. That was me last year - 5 weddings and associated hen nights. It was so stressful, especially the weddings where you know no one except the bride and groom but are sitting on a table with 8 other people. I can do small talk but I hate it.

How's this for anti-social? This weekend (the first for ages) we have no visits and no visitors planned, parents and in-laws are away so no obligations there, no parties, no plans and I cannot wait!

greenhill Fri 31-May-13 13:11:40

Has anyone else enjoyed a quiet half term and the relief of not having to talk to "outsiders" every day?

SeagullsAreLikeThat Fri 31-May-13 17:55:45

I wish hmm. Worked three days of it and spent the other two running around trying to fit jobs / friends / family in and stop the DCs from ripping each other to bits. Got a similar day tomorrow so am desperately hoping for a no visit / visitor day on Sunday.

greenhill Fri 31-May-13 18:53:01

I've been a referee a bit too, but at 3 and 6 my DS is happy to play at the make believe my DD comes up with grin

I've read a bit, let them trash the house and enjoyed baking cakes with DD when my youngest had an afternoon nap. The house is a tip, but they've played, drawn and had tons of stories. My DD has now got to an age when she'll happily go to her room and read for hours smile. If only they would sleep at night...

Sorry to hear it has been a bit manic seagulls my family don't live near us, so we've only been able to chat on the phone. I'm sure I'll have to pay for it next week when I have to get down to real housework! Hope you have a peaceful Sunday smile

SeagullsAreLikeThat Fri 31-May-13 21:30:09

Thanks, greenhill. Do you know, though, reading that made me realise how ungrateful I sound! I know I am lucky really to have family close by and friends who want to see us and I really should start looking at it that way instead of moaning about all these social obligations smile. Thank you for giving me a bit of perspective (won't stop me longing for some peace thoughgrin)

happyathome Sat 01-Jun-13 09:51:43

Hello all!.Not posted on mumsnet for a long time,but lurked a lot.Now divorcedsad(the last year).Not done personality tests,but this whole thread sounds like me,so please can I join in?.So grateful for this thread,as I too don't feel so 'weird' now and I just accept my 'anti-social' behaviour as part of my personality.It has also helped me to accept my need for space/time alone and so I make more where I can and then conserve/create energy.Extroverts make sure they socialise,so why shouldn't we make the effort to be alonewink.Plus happy mum equals happy kid e.t.c....so I see 'me' time as for they're benefit now too.
I felt really guilty until now if I turned people down,tried to escape kids in house e.t.c.,but realize if family friends are close,should we not explain to them who we are if they don't understand?,that way we could not offend them if we need space .easier said than done though.always misunderstanding between opposite types of people I guess.
Anyway,hope more people share thoughts/get revelations on here,as we're not really talking/socialising are wewink.Been mentioned we're noisy on here,but maybe we don't like to meet/talk in physical presence,but do we have busy,curious minds just the same as extroverts and want to share thoughts/wisdom.
Just been on a family holiday,but felt like I was going a bit mad with all the chaos/noise and went off on my own for a short, walk,along seashore(biggest bliss),while kids were being looked after.Got agitated that I couldn't have time on my own at night like I do at home and took it out on others,by being grouchy.Anyway I explained and it made me and my parents much closer.
Weirdest, is that I am missing having a husband and am panicking about being alone in the future,unyet,i craved space in my marriage,and now I've got so used to being alone at home that would probably feel crowded if a husband was there full time.Does any introvert single mums feel this way?.Has it made you realize too,that it is more important to consider personality differences if you should ever meet anyone new again?-what personality do you feel comfiest around,another introvert,or extrovert?.My husband was a 'frustrated' extrovert I think-as in I think he would go out more,but didn't speak up because he knew I didn't want to.....unyet he acted introvert,and so I felt comfy about not having to talk a lot and didn't feel he 'drained' me,whereas extraverts do.

SeagullsAreLikeThat Sun 09-Jun-13 22:01:59

Happy, it's great that you've been able to explain to your family how you feel about needing space. Even greater that they understood! My family are all quite introverted but seem to kind of depend on me to be the glue that holds family occasions together, if that makes sense, which means I end up being quite bouncy and chatty to avoid long periods of silence. Which is silly really when long periods of silence is what I like, just not in social situations because that just feels awkward to me.

As a result I think my family think I'm quite outgoing and sociable when in reality, I like peace just as much as they do and breathe a big sigh of relief when family occasions are over!

happyathome Mon 10-Jun-13 09:48:04

Sorry it's so hard around your family Seagulls.My family is generally extraverted,and I then find it easy to be chatty back,but I find it really draining like you say and then need time to recover.Weirdly though I find it draining being with another introvert who I don't know too well,i struggle to keep conversation going.Hate small talk.I can just 'be' with my dad though (INTROVERT),and we just let the silences rollsmile.
I survive it all by making space and days off/silence.
Worst thing ATM is I worry about stuff when alone and overthink stuff and imagine the worst.I wonder if this is more problematic amongst introverts and I find the only cure is to pretend to be extravert and throw myself into distractions and company to clear my head.
It has not helped me in my single parenting either as I take the full responsibility and noise/energy of the kids,which totally wipes me out.And I get over nostalgic about the past sometimes,overthink and get upset.But I notice I mature faster/know my own mind/develop spiritually faster than the extroverts around me....because I go within much more.It looks like introverts are good actors/flexible as we can act extravert,but extraverts always seem to stay the same.
I also am not as afraid of my own company,so I've not flung myself into another relationship.But I want to 'find' myself again first.
Reserving 'quiet' and 'introverts-how to survive in an extravert world' book from library....waiting with anticipation.

Somethingyesterday Mon 10-Jun-13 18:48:28

What an amazing thread. Sadly I am probably too late and too introverted to join.
But the library party is absolutely my idea of heaven.

greenhill Mon 10-Jun-13 19:33:41

YY the library party, with comfy sofas, some refreshments and shy smiles at people, rather than too much chatting (unless about a particularly good book) is ideal.

Evening all, hope everybody is well, not been on here for ages, so just catching up smile

Time for a brew brew brew brew brew brew brew brew brew brew

Still find myself having to psych up to talk to people, especially outsiders and I dread big parties too. A quiet meal with a few friends is also my idea of a good night.

Been invited to a 50th getaway in Las Vegas in 3 years time and dreading it already. sad I'm finding ways of trying to get out of it....

My ideal job would be in an office on my own, only talking on the phone to staff every now and then. The rest of the time, I would like peace and quiet, and I don't get that at the moment.

If I had the money, I would run my own business, around the idea of relaxation booths.

A bit of a library idea but people could sit in a private booth of their own, with a comfy chair, and read and listen to music, and there would be a communal kitchen area too.

Aimed at people who need to get away for an hour, say, from the busy office, lunch break, perhaps? A get-away-from-it-all kind of place.

Does that sound daft? Obviously more thought and detail needs to go into it, but thats the general gist.

I don't have the money though, so its never going to get off the ground anyway , but hey ho smile

Bump.

Oops, I think I've killed the thread blush hmm

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