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Original poster

Telling non-resident parent that we're moving 4 hours away, Advice please

105 replies

NeedCoffee · 01/02/2011 23:42

Title say's it all really. DD is ten, OH has been offered a job that will involve us moving around 4 hours away. Me and OH both drive. Ex is banned from driving. Trains run fairly frequently. Would still be returning to the area to see friends and family. Ex currently has dd every weekend and a few hours mid week after school but we are in the process of changing this to her staying at home every other weekend as she never get's to do stuff with us. This is fine with all parties and would not be set in stone if there are activities/parties etc happening at either house.

The move would not be until the Summer holidays and nothing is definate yet, but it looks like it would be most beneficial to all of us, except ex obviously. The thought is that I or OH would do the round trip on a Fri and Sun to drop her off/pick up or use trains when she is older/driving not possible every other weekend, although he is then gonig to miss out on the week day visit. Also visits in holidays would be when ever dd and ex wanted. We would do all we could to accomodate visits and he would be welcome to come to us, and stay in dds room or a spare one if we have one, or hotel, whatever.

I feel that I should let him know that it is a possibility that we could be going, whilst dd is not there to see the reaction, which will probably be quite abusive. So, should I phone him and tell him, meet face to face, letter, text?? (joke) I know it's not fair, and it's going to be hard on him and if I could do it so everyone was happy then I would, but I can't.

So, advice please on how to tell him, and a bit of hand holding wouldn't go amiss!

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 00:10

Bump Confused

OP posts:
SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2011 00:14

Well if the situation was reversed and you were the NRP how would you feel and how would you want this news conveyed to you considering your feelings about the move?

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 00:16

Well I'd want it face to face with a reasonable explanation and reassurance that i would see her as often as possible. And i will try to take this stance, but he may be so angry that he will not listen to me.

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lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 02/02/2011 00:18

I certainly wqould do it face to face but only if 100% set in stone

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 00:22

Really Lisa? Don't you think I should give him some prior warning just in case? I'll prob get it wrong by trying to do right anyway!

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SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2011 00:28

I think it is natural that any parent would be upset/angry to hear that their child/children will be moving 4hrs away from them without prior discussion/agreement.

Perhaps the best way would be to tell him face to face and gauge his initial reaction. If he is upset or shocked I would then leave him to mull it over a day or three but letting him know that you can talk more when he feels calmer. At that point then you can go through all your plans and ideas about how you plan for DD to continue her relationship with her dad.

I can tell you from personal experience that long journeys every other weekend for children make the prospect of their access weekend quite daunting. We did a 4hr round drive every other weekend for 4 years and at the request of the children it had to stop as it was too stressful for them. Just something to bear in mind.

Just out of curiosity how has your DD reacted to this new access proposal?

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 00:34

I know Sparkle, and it is mainly dd and her relationship with her dad that has stopped us from jumping at the chance straight away. I feel like I/We should stay put for their relationship but I really think this would be a good thing for all of us, we currently live in a pretty rubbish town with rubbish schools and very little prospects for the dds or I. Dd took it a lot better than I expected. She is naturally apprehensive (as are we!, excited, says she thinks it would be good but she will miss her dad and friends.
How can you decide a thing like this and know what is best?

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lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 02/02/2011 00:34

I just think that there is no point stressing him and your dd out about something that "might" happen,

SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2011 00:42

Needcoffee I understand where you are coming from wondering what to do for the best as we are in a similar situation regarding the children and we have to jump one way or the other. Being a parent is not an easy job!

If you leave it until it is all set in stone and then you tell him when it's definitely happening then that may upset him even more. In that situation he may go OTT in a bid to stop DD being moved away. Only you know what kind of person he is and know which way to handle him.

The best tip I can give with change is always give people notice, don't put present a fait accompli.

BUT that is just my opinion! Grin

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 00:49

Well, the deadline to let the company know is tomorrow night, so if we are going he'll find out soon enough.

He is going to react badly, I know that, but I also know I need to speak t ohim before dd does as I really hope he will be able to maintain his composure for her sake. If we do decide to go, their will be little he can do about it so it will be in her best interest for us to work together on it.

Will sleep on it and see how brave I feel tomorrow.

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GypsyMoth · 02/02/2011 01:01

You might want to ask his opinion before you 'tell him'!!!

He could block this move you know, he could easily file a prohibited steps order to prevent a school move. What then??

GypsyMoth · 02/02/2011 01:04

Reposte this in legal where you will find out that there is not 'little he can do' to prevent the move!!!

SparkleSoiree · 02/02/2011 01:20

Needcoffee - if he believes it is not in her best interests to move I do think he can make a Prohibitive Steps Order....you will need to clarify that.

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 01:27

ILove-She will be starting high school anyway in Sep so she will be having a school move anyway which is why I'm thinking if we're going to do it this year would be the best. He may take the steps to do that, but there is very little chance he would win for many reasons that I don't really want to put on here :)

Just really wanted a bit of advice on the best way to approach it with him.

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GypsyMoth · 02/02/2011 07:56

Don't underestimate courts, he has excellent contact at resent..... So there can't be anything big to stop a pso
Application!!

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 14:44

IloveTiffany-I'm pretty certain that if I needed to use the things that he has done to win a court hearing then they would stop it, it's not something that I want to have to do, but if need be then I will.

Anyway, it has all escalated today. I tried to arrange a meeting with him face to face, he insisted I tell him over the phone has has now commenced with death threats and said he's rather dd had one dead parent and one in jail than we move, among other things. Police and solicitors are now involved so it's a case of seeing what happens now. If the court instruct me to not move, then of course I wont, but I do not believe that they will, especially when I am trying to be as reasonable as I possibly can with him.

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Dalrymps · 02/02/2011 15:14

Jeez NC, I knew he was a piece of work bit death threats?! That's ridiculous. I know there have been many many things that he has done that point to him being not very good at the whole parenting thing(understatement).. You are the bigger person in so many ways, you have considered DDs feelings all along as well as his and always strived to make sure they stay in contact with each other and still have a relationship(sometimes against your better judgement).

I'm sorry he has jumped in and started being abusive immediately but you know him and I'm sure expected that. By the sounds of it, it's probably a good thing the police and solicitors are involved. What ever the result they will make sure you're all safe and nothing gets out of hand.

You're trying to be fair on all parties, it's not always possible to please everyone. Did you even get to tell him what the visiting arrangements would be or did he not five you chance?

Hopefully he'll calm down once it sinks on and become more reasonable Hmm

Dalrymps · 02/02/2011 15:16

give you chance..

Excuse weird words and spelling, it's my phone!

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 16:11

Thanks Dal. I only got chance to mention that I am prepared to travel the round trip every other fri and sun to drop her off and tried to mention holidays but he didn't let me speak. I'd already mentioned to dd that we could get her dad a skype phone for his birthday to make communicating easier, but I had no chance of mentioning anything like that!

The worse thing is, I'm going to have to tell DD, albeit keep it as minimum as possible as I know as soon as he see's or speaks to her he will start going on about it to her, when I know she'd prefer not to know. IMO even if he really has to do this, he should not let dd know about it as it is going to unsettle her and make her unhappy, but he doesn't think like that and he'll be all about trying to score points. Of course, all this makes me want to move more but then I wonder if it's worth all the heartache, then I come back to I'm trying to make a decision based on what is best for my family..

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 02/02/2011 16:23

Jesus - I'd do the move and not tell him where we were, he sounds well unbalanced. I really felt for him before you said what he said!

ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 02/02/2011 16:26

NC - just as a side issue I'd be vry careful you don't over estimate (to DD) how often you will be able to visit where you live now. It is a lot harder to keep that round trip up than you might be able to imagine at this stage.

Is he likely to do anything really barking to himself or DD?? I'd be scared about her being with him :(

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 16:39

Chipping- I really don't know, I don't think so but he can be unpredictable. I understand what you mean about overestimating and don't wish to mislead her, it's also occurred to me that the train is also an option and he could travel to our end on a Fri and collect her from school and take her back and then we could pick her up, or I take her on train, meet half way, or whatever. There are so many variations and I would do what i could. TBH IMO I think he should spend his money trying to get his driving licence back after being banned for drink driving and then he would have even more options, but he has got it in his head that I'm doing this to hurt him Hmm and will probably not even think of this. He has said he is just going to throw money at this until he get's what he wants. Don't know where that'll be coming from since he doesn't work.

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 02/02/2011 17:04

There's only so much legal aid you can throw at something isn't there!

Honestly, when I first read your post I thought you were being really unfair taking her away from him, but I could see the advantages (better school/area etc), but I just thought how awful it would be, to be a NRP and have your child taken away from you... I guess that's what happens when you only see a 'snapshot'.

Frankly, I think I'd be considering NZ.

Original poster
NeedCoffee · 02/02/2011 18:10

I feel awful for doing it Chipping. It's one of those decisions where I can't win. Quite honestly, if I could go back in time, I would probably try and stop him seeing her ever as he has done more damage than good to dd over her lifetime, but I am a firm believer that if possible, kids should have as much support and contact with people they can look up to and be loved by as they can.
NZ would be nice :)

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 02/02/2011 19:13

NC - I think, on the whole, that both parents should work together to make sure they can both participate in as much of the childrens lives as possible. Make access easy etc. However, some people are so damaging that no contact is actually better - the shame of it is, is that often you realise that when it's too late :(

In your shoes I wouldn't feel awful at all. It's hard to see how he brings anything positive to DD's life :( 4 hours away would be too close for me. Don't feel bad for doing something that will make her life much much better.

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