The Norty Puddlehumpers present.... MUMSNET - THE MUSICAL!!!!

(1000 Posts)
EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 14:26:26

Come in! Sit down! Have a wine and the show will start soon!

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:16:31

<whispers back> Well, they're still here - I THINK they're enjoying it.

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff Tue 28-Aug-12 15:16:39

Empress we may have done, had you not mentioned it.

Tch!

Not sure we captured the audience but if we keep going, they'll be putty in our hands!

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff Tue 28-Aug-12 15:17:34

I may have just sang The Wonder of You to my dog.

She enjoyed it and even the cat peered out from behind the curtain to see what was being murdered going on.

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:19:50

Then let's carry on! (and hope Aitch doesn't notice)

This next one makes more sense if you've read the Sharon threads. Actually it only makes sense if you've read the Sharon threads.

SHARONIAN RHAPSODY (by Empress)

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Hearing Erasure,
No escape from reality.
Open your eyes, Look down at the wasp and see,
He's just done T-rex, he needs no sympathy
Because he's done the Owl, done the Mole
Done Spiderman, done them all
Any way he stands now doesn't really matter to me, to me

DH just threw the wine
Made a big splash on the wall, missed the carpet, but that's all
Poor wasp, its life had just begun,
But now DH has thrown the wine away.
Adam, ooh, Didn't mean to make you confused,
If the Rainbow videos aren't off this time tomorrow,
Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters.

Too late, Sharon has come,
Erasure's in her ears, it's the only thing she hears,
Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go,
Gotta pick up truffles and pizza and face the truth,
Bungle, ooh, I don't want to be Zippy,
I sometimes wish I'd never been to Asda at all.

I see a little fruit and veg, Tesco man
Sharon, ooh, Sharon, ooh, will you SWITCH OFF ERASURE.
Wine flying and wasp dying, Mumsnet-mystifying me
(Sharon Sharon). Sharon Sharon. (Sharon Sharon). Sharon Sharon. Sharon Sharon she's a hoor.
(She lives next door). This wall's just painted and now it's all mucky.
It's just a wine-stained wall (but a clean carpet),
The wasp lost its life but how we didn't see.
Rainbow's on, switch it off, will you switch it off.
Bismillah! No, we will not switch it off.
(Switch it off!) Bismillah! We will not switch it off.
(Switch it off!) Bismillah! We will not switch it off.
(Switch it off.) Will not switch it off.
(Switch it off.) Will not switch it off. (Switch it off). Ah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(Oh T-rex, T-rex.) Do the T-rex in Asda.
To do Tobey Maguire you have to have the face for it, for it, for it.

So you think you can mess up the wall throwing wine.
So you think you can T-rex and leave wasps to die,
Oh, DH, can't do this to me, DH,
Just gotta get Adam, just gotta get right down to Tesco.

Nothing really matters, as long as I'm not Zippy,
Nothing really matters,
Nothing really matters to me.

Any way Sharon blows.

<Bangs brand new Clark's dinosaur footprint on sole school shoes together wildly in lieu of actual applause> We went, we took a ticket, we battled on through the masses, and emerged triumphant, and this is our reward grin
Can we have some of those nice ladies who bring gin icecream round on little trays? so I don't have to move from this chair grin
<loving every second of it>
No3 son is carrolling "Mummy I'm in love with you no matter what you weigh" at the minute too, so if you need a guest Artiste getaway diversion he's your PomCub grin

BonkeyMollocks Tue 28-Aug-12 15:21:25

<adjusts freaky lighting>

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:21:48

He can come on at the end if he likes, Pom, with Pag & State's DDs, State's DD's friend Luke and their elephant - and Sydney Tuna if he wants to join in grin

BonkeyMollocks Tue 28-Aug-12 15:22:51

Pom i have some gin cake, any good?

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff Tue 28-Aug-12 15:23:28

<wild applause>

Right, I'm off to hand out lime and gin-infused sorbet to the audience.

a drunk audience is a receptive audience

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:24:56

<waits for audience to be suitably drunk>

Thank you for watching. We are now coming up to our finale and any DCs or animals who would like to join us on the stage are welcome. The chorus is pretty easy.

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:25:22

<hands out lightsticks for waving>

<ponders> gin - cake - cake - gin - what's not to be good about it grin
I'll have a double slice please grin

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:27:56

<waits for stage to fill up>
<counts 2 DDs, one real DS, one imaginary DS, one elephant, one caterpillar & Hully's goat>

BonkeyMollocks Tue 28-Aug-12 15:29:05

< shoves on the Bonkey Gpigs >

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:29:31

Anyone else?

Tee2072 Tue 28-Aug-12 15:30:38

gin cake?!?! Oh yes please! (and the recipe...)

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:31:38

<waits for Tee to finish gin cake>

Here we go...

Finale: WE ARE THE MUMSNETTERS (by Empress)

I've posted in Chat -
Time after time -
I've had my flaming
But committed no crime -
And deleted posts
I've had a few
I've had my share of wrist slaps from HQ -
But I've come through

We are the Mumsnetters, my friends.
And we'll keep on chatting - till the end -
We are the Mumsnetters -
We are the Mumsnetters
No time for Netmums
Cos we are the Mumsnetters - of the world -

I've taken advice
And made plenty of friends -
You brought me support and strength and everything that goes with it -
We're here till the end
(unless we flounce)

It's been Classics and quiches
Woolly Hugs and AIBUs
We consider it a challenge to fill HQ with gin -
And we ain't gonna lose -

We are the Mumsnetters, my friends.
And we'll keep on chatting - till the end -
We are the Mumsnetters -
We are the Mumsnetters
No time for Netmums
Cos we are the Mumsnetters - of the world -

Tee2072 Tue 28-Aug-12 15:32:19

::lines up for curtain call::

::falls over from gin cake::

LadyBeagleEyes Tue 28-Aug-12 15:32:39

This musical is awesome.
Did you write all the lyrics Empress?
You are so talented.

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:32:51

<pulls Tee up>
<links arms & bows>

BrianCoxIsUpTheDuff Tue 28-Aug-12 15:32:53

<throws pom bears into the audience>

<wipes away a silent tear at the rapturous applause as Empress steps forward to take a bow>

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:33:46

Thank you grin

Tee wrote TrollBlockTango & NotHoneyDragon wrote The Wonder of Mumsnet.

BonkeyMollocks Tue 28-Aug-12 15:34:52

<cries>

<supports Tee>

<applaudes Empress>

So proud!

EmpressOfTheSevenFlames Tue 28-Aug-12 15:35:02

<pushes Tee forward to take a bow>

BonkeyMollocks Tue 28-Aug-12 15:35:43

<chucks cushion in front of Tee...just in case>

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