Mumsnet Talk

I know it's old but I feel I must share :

1. Driving lesson aged 17, the most dickhead instructor ever, and I had that desperate urge to pee, I broke every speed limit possible but dhead decided I needed to be pulled up on the speeding front (don't blame him but...) I couldn't last any longer and wet myself all over the drivers seat. He didn't look to impressed when I got out and he had to sit on a wet seat!

2. We were going to watch the marathon or something else and I had had too much to drink the night before, huge tummy rumblings and small shaft later I find myself in a huge queue of a small ub toilet....... Let rip and the whole place erupted into almost vomiting customers. I pretended it was the person before me, but needless to say I went commando!

Marking my spot. Having to do this because DH lying next to me is getting annoyed at my constant giggling at all these posts

The duet of farts in the loo has had me laughing like a drain

I had diarrhea, on acid, in a portaloo that had no lock and no toilet paper. I had to cling onto the door with one hand, get my knickers off to use as toilet roll and get my trousers back on with the other hand. All the while feeling like the portaloo was flying around like the tardis.

Quite enjoyed it.

I have read this thread from start to finish, and as a sufferer of a bowel disorder- I NEED to share this mishap.....

I was at the In-laws and had the tell tale stomach cramps, hot flushes and 'pressure' that tells me I am going to explode southwards. We were sitting around chatting with a cuppa so I discreetly made excuses and popped upstairs. Put the taps on and quickly sat on the throne. I won't go into detail about the next couple of minutes but it was AWFUL. A life changing poo. Then lots of wiping. Relief. All sorted.

Stood up to pull my trousers up and.....

It was all up the back of the throne. THE WALLS. I think the high pressure of the whole situation reached about 2 thirds of the way up the wall behind the toilet. Cue a major clean up job with lots of damp tissue and hand wash. A fecking nightmare. I must have been up there for about half an hour all in all. Not discreet at all.

I feel cleansed now. Thanks.

Oh my - these are hysterical!

I was once queuing for an evening buffet at a wedding with my DH. He nudges me to look at something. There, on the floor, is a wee round brown poop about the size of a marble He has shit himself whilst farting and, being a true Scotsman in his kilt, it had fallen straight from arse to floor without being contained by pants. He sniggers and just keeps moving with the queue. I assume that the rest of the guests trampled it into the floorboards. I didn't want to give it too much attention in case anyone thought it was mine.

My Dexh was in Milan doing some gigs and they had all been sleeping in the van. He woke one morning desperate for a dump but there were no loos, so he went under the nearest bush. He did what he had to do and looked up and discovered that the bloke who had been driving had parked next to a courtyard and my D ex had just shat in front of a load of uber posh Milanese having breakfast on their patio's.

And he is now questioning that it was actually his

He just pulled a <boak> face at the thought it MIT have been one of the other work men's!!!

Maxmillie he has just informed me that he wrapped it up tidily and chucked it in the skip!

He says he recognised as it his own from eating glitter and crayons with the DCs the day before

I'd Like to add here......

I was in the hairdressing wholesalers one afternoon, totally alone except for the assistant. It's a big place and as I stood choosing the hairdyes my stomach started to cramp alarmingly until I let out a silent but massive fart.

The smell of the fart was truly appalling and at that moment another woman entered the shop.

I remember standing there thinking 'please don't, please don't come over here' as she came right up next to me. I was mortified with embarassment and said to her in a meek giggly voice, 'Oh, I thought I was alone'.

She said absolutely nothing

That plumber one is hilarious! What did he do with it?

You don't expect to be confronted with your own turds!

DM also had an incident at an airport, just was we were about to board the plane, and she shat her pants in the queue and ended up going commando on a 6 hour flight a the luggage had already gone to the hold.

My only poo claim was whilst camping last year. The porta potty was full, and it was dark, but I had to go, so I lined the porta potty pan with a carrier bag, pooed in it, tied it up and slung it as far into the woods as I possibly could.

It was fine until he dog of the friends we were camping with retrieved the carrier bag the following day and bought it to the camp fire - queue lots of "eeeeww" noises from me and everyone when it was discovered what was in the bag!

I've read this thread over a couple of days and have literally cried with laughter, so much so that I've had to read some out to DH!!

He has his own to add if I may:

DH is a plumber/joiner and is self employed, a few years back he was working on a block of converted flats and found himself needing to poo quite urgently, so he chose one of the flats which had had a new bathroom fitted and installed himself on the loo!

He did the biggest poo he ever did, flushed and left the loo as he found it. It was only when he went out onto the scaffolding that he realised that the soil stack outside the flats was yet to be connected

There staring up at him from the scaffolding boards was the very same poo he had flushed not 5 minutes before.

He never told anyone until he told me tonight!!!

On holiday in brazil at a very small intimate restaurant with my sister. Suddenly my stomach started churning and I knew I needed to get to a toilet- fast! There was just one toilet at the back of the restaurant next to the kitchen and only a couple of feet from other diners, and it had one of those doors where you can see your feet at the bottom and your head when you stand up. I couldnt help myself but have very noisy and smelly diorreah, much to my horror. We left quickly and my sis said that the whole restaurant had heard and smelt everything. I'm still mortified all these years later....

I know somebody who went for a sleep over in a friends back garden. In the middle of the night they were caught short and had a poo behind the tent.
Then they blamed the dog when the offending log was found the next morning.
I wonder who that was

Leaving not living*

Adding to this classic thread after laughing over it and then needing a poo!

This is a story about one of my exes. We were at the airport and were going through the bit with all the moving walkways in between the shops and the plane bit. Ex needed the toilet so I played on the walkways while I waited. And waited. And waited.

Eventually he emerges all pale and white. I come off the walkway and walk towards him and then I smell it. He stank of shit. He just looked at me and his lip wobbled, almost crying he was, and whispered "I've pooed myself". I was like eh? And he said again "I've pooed myself. It's all in my shorts". Luckily we had some money left so I had to do a mad run to the shop, buy him some shorts and run back looking like a lunatic. He changed in the loo and left the shorts on the floor because there was no bin. Nice find for the cleaner!

Aaaaand same ex, similar story. We were living my uni accommodation and had locked up, halfway to the train station (5 min walk) when he said "I need the toilet can we go back?". I was annoyed because we were running late for the train so I asked him to hold it until the station. We got to the station and the toilets were shut for cleaning. He started to panic so we left the station to try McDonald's. We were halfway across the road waiting at one of those islands bits when he said "I'm pooing. It's going down my leg". He was nearly crying and he shuffled along with me to McDonald's and went into the toilet. Luckily he had his spare trousers from staying at mine but he came out with his pooey pants in a plastic bag and dumped it in the bin in the street.

I had to try so hard not to laugh both times haha! I also promised him I would never tell. Whoops!

I have never laughed so much - this is truely the funniest thread ever!

I am loving this thread, I have never doubled over laughing at a thread before! Lots of stories here, may pluck up the courage to write some later!

Oh thank God its not just me!

I have a history of having a dicky stomach. One christmas i was working at a stable yard, very big place. I got a desperate urge to 'go', unfortunatly i was 50 mins from hom and the yard had no loos - cue me driving to the nearest bridleway, ducking behind the hedge and exploding everywhere. Luckily i had a baby wipe with me!

A few years before that, i had a similar one, on a yard, need to go, no loo. Had to line a skipping out bucket with straw and go in that, the deposit in the muck heap!

The worst one was a couple of years ago. At the end of a hard day, i was standing on the yard chatting to the other grooms and my boss, plus the farrier, and to my horror i felt the urge to go...tried to suck it back up but to no avail and alas, i shat myself. Murmered a 'need to go, don't feel well' and got out of there pdq. Had to drive 15 mins home to the loo sitting on my coat, all the time pooing. then got home and couldn't open the door. Not my finest moment!

Not as bad as my friend -i was living with her at the time and she had a hot new BF. They went to bed for the first time, about 30 mins later she came running into my room crying but wouldn't tell me what happened---turned out she was giving him a BJ when she had triggered the upchuck reflex and thrown up all over his Johnson! He was brill about it and they are now married!

When I was a teenager I was in a school play (this can't end well). I had to wear a day-glo pink satin suit ffs, and had a massive crush on one of the cast members. After our opening night I got home and discovered i'd come on at some point in the evening and there was a huuuuge bright red stain on the seat of my trousers - unmissable. My mum swore she hadn't seen it while I was on stage (I was on stage a lot) but to this day I have no idea when in the evening the stain had actually appeared and whether my mum was just being nice.

Went on a shopping trip with DH, and was intending to meet my DM in the town centre. Except as we stood waiting at the meeting point, near to the toilets, DM ran past, shouting "I need to go". Disappeared into the public loos, and was in there for ages.

When she finally emerged, just ran straight past us again, this time hissing "Got to go, just shat myself". She did leave a spattered brown trail behind her as she ran away.

DH was , I was and as for everyone else nearby (think busy shopping centre on a Saturday) they stood round looking at us in disgust, as if it was our fault

Hahahahahah this thread is awesome

I read a couple of stories out to my OH and instead of laughing, as it right and proper, he looked totally horrified and said "you women are disgusting"

This thread is pure gold.

So here's my poomiliation story...

I was about 16 and staying with a bunch of our best friends and family in one open plan room in some strangers house for a huge new years eve party. Everyone was just in sleeping bags and mattresses on the floor.

About 10pm there is video of me doing about 12 tequila shots with some random. At 11pm my boyfriend (now DH) comes upstairs and finds me comatose in bed.

7am the next morning, I wake up stupidly scream (waking up most of the people around us who witness the following) and jump out of bed (somehow I'd gotten naked during the night) with poo EVERYWHERE, it must have been the biggest crap I've ever done in my life and it was all over me, my sleeping bag and the mattress. I remember running downstairs and jumping into the shower with all my bedding, the stench was awful. My DHs brother saw the whole thing as he was right next to us and so did a lot of my friends (me naked screaming and covered in poo).

After a while my DH hauled the mattress outside and we hosed it off. A day later we saw a couple lounging on it in the sun........................................................................................ :S

I can honestly say that I have never laughed at a thread so much in my entire life, I have streams of tears running down my cheeks!! Ladies, your honesty and witty accounts of your experiences is extremely admirable. Thank you for entertaining me whilst DH watches Match of The Day.

Dear Pinkpussycat,
My story has NEVER EVER been told before. You are the only person I have told my tale to. And that is only because you are family, being my long lost sister and all!