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I pooed on my skirt at work today(356 Posts)
I am not a poo troll.
I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.
I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.
Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.
I got away with it.
I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.
My first job post-uni. Went to the loo with tummy ache, and not tummy upset but honestly did the absolute biggest poo ever. I don't know how I even passed it. And completely solid- so solid in fact that it actually blocked the toilet.
Tried to poke it down with loo brush- brush got covered. I still cringe when I think about it! So was desperately trying to wash the loo brush in the sink, almost in tears.
I ran to the kitchen and begged the staff member in there to offer me some advice, who gave me a bowl of hot washing up water
and also came with me for some reason and TRIED TO LOOK IN THE TOILET WHY
God knows what I'd eaten the day before. Cringe.
I bought a bag of dried apricots! I now know my stomach does not like dried apricots!! I was alone in my basement flat and the farts started erupting - the stench was like nothing I'd ever smelt before EVER!! My ex DP came home from work looking alarmed. He said " I can smell you DOWN THE ROAD!" Eventually the farts stopped after a huge poo. My ex was gagging from the smell.
The next day a plumber knocked on the door to check out drain. He'd been called by the block manager as there had been complaints of very bad drain smells the day before he told us! 😂😂😳😳. My ex had to hold in his laughter whilst pretending we knew nothing about it!
Just clicked on this thread and read your story JustHere OH. MY. GOD!!! Crying here, what a mortifying, but hilarious, story! Poor you! but . Thank you so much, still laughing!
*children, not golden!
I'm the children's nursery coordinator at my church, and this morning before any of the golden had come in it was only myself and my two 16 year-old helpers in the room. I had just turned on a cd of children's songs when I spontaneously choked on my own saliva, coughing so violently that I farted with a mighty thunderclap.
Those poor girls faces. It was as if I'd suddenly pulled a cracker under their noses. They were so startled!!
Once I'd stopped choking and farting, one of the girls said "yep. That's my life, right there."
I'm not proud of this.
Years and years ago, I started my first job in an office housed in a very old, listed building. The plumbing was terrible. My (shared) office was in the attic and there was a small, unisex WC, shared by the entire floor.
During my first week, I developed terrible stomach cramps and knew I had to poo urgently. Not wanting to risk creating a smell that could be linked to me, I ran downstairs to find that toilet out of order. The one on the ground floor was near reception so couldn't risk getting caught walking out by visiting clients. So I went back to the attic, accepting my fate.
I sat and crimped one out. It was horrific. I made a poo that resembled King Kong's finger and smelled like one of his farts. I decided to make a quick get-away so nobody would see me leave.
I pressed the flusher handle. Nothing.
Pressed again. Small amount of water but nowhere near enough to shift this brown behemoth.
Third time, not even a gurgle of water.
At this stage, I was starting to sweat. I grabbed the wicker bathroom bin and fruitlessly tried to fill it with enough water to pour into the toilet. All that achieved was to drench my clothes.
By now, I was in a flap. I couldn't risk walking out and leaving it there as, at this stage, I'd been gone for over 20 minutes and it would be obvious it was me.
I looked around and, like McGyver, grabbed the only thing within arm's reach- a well-chewed plastic pen that someone had abandoned on the window ledge. Using the pen as a crude chopstick, I managed to spear the shit, and lifted it up out of the pan. I swear, it wriggled and put up a struggle.
At this stage, I didn't know what to do. Sweat was pouring down my brow, and I was standing there in my now wet suit with Moby Shit firmly stuck to a biro. I opened the window, stood on the bowl of the toilet and looked out, thinking I could lob the jobbie out. After a quick look, I realised that, below the window, was the heavily-used staff smoking area with a few colleagues standing around. There was no way I could fling my filth.
At this stage, a few people had tried to toilet door and moved away, seeing it was occupied. The pressure was mounting. Surely someone would realise I'd now been away from my desk for over half an hour and then link that to the locked bathroom?
In desperation, I looked around and there, like a beacon, was the most beautiful sight I'd ever seen; a sanitary bin. Like a basketball player, I graceful opened the lid, arched the poo in and shut the bin as fast as I could.
Relieved, I slipped out of the toilet, heading back to my desk loudly complaining about a visiting client overstaying their welcome.
6 weeks later, an e-mail came around from the Office Manager. Addressed to all the ladies in the office, it explained that, as someone had taken to shitting in the sanitary bins, the bathroom supplies company had refused to service our office any longer. There would be no more sanitary bins.
Everyone was disgusted. At first, there were murmurs of "but..but...but we need sanitary bins!". Then it changed to "hang on, someone shat in a pad bin?".
I even heard one colleague ask "but how would someone be able to aim their arse into the little bin flap?!"
JustDance Your mother sounds the understanding type!
Ooh, remember one more. I had just given birth to DD and the hospital put me on iron tablets which played havoc with my digestive system. My cousin had come round to help me with the baby, and as I was sitting there with her I felt an urgent need for the loo, followed by what I thought would be a fart, but before I could excuse myself I realised I had started! Luckily I don'tthink she noticed and I ran upstairs to sort myself out (and took no more pills!). Another one was when I was 15 and had a really bad stomach bug. My parents called the GP out as in those days they did house calls. As the Dr was examining my stomach it made me want to poo again (obv) and i couldn't help but let rip lying on the sofa! When he'd I legged it to the loo and found some lovely poo in my knickers. My mum said 'I hope you didn't do that when the Dr was here.' I lied & said I didn't!!
I am literally crying here & I'll add my two-Penneth too!
Period - I had some gynae issues in my 20s which meant I could literally start bleeding whenever. I was at work, wearing beige trousers and yes, my body decided to randomly expel some uterine blood! . I went to my boss at the time so mortified, but I had to get help from somewhere. She shoed out the rest of the office and went to find someone with spare knickers (they happened to be going to a conference after work!) and I tied my friend's fleece round my waist once I'd washed my trousers the best I could.
I also once leaked on the floor of the needlework room at school - managed to wipe it off with the sole of my shoe & quickly asked to be excused!!
Once I had a party and because my friends weren't all local, a lot stayed over. In the morning one of the boys kindly pounted out to my friend that she'd leaked during the night. She was mortified, and I still take the piss now!
I recently leakeda bit on my PIL's holiday home light-coloured sofa. It wasn't too bad so I just turned the cushion over!!
Was on holiday with DH before we got married. We were in a country known for tummy bugs & I succumbed. Luckily we had an en suite as I was on & off the bog all night proclaiming I was 'dying'. The loo obviously gave up the ghost after all the shite that had been poured into it and it got rather badly blocked so DH had to wade in & manually extract my diahhorrea from the loo with random plastic bags we must have had lying around!!
I was in a department store toilet with my mum & I had just done a rather smelly poo. When I emerged from the cubicle she said - rather loudly 'JustDance Was that you?' Thanks for that mum & yes, it was. Hope she was proud!!
This whole thread has had me in stitches!
I have quite a few awful stories, 2 of which involve being very drunk.
Wee - I was still living at home. I had been at the pub with some friends and drank far too much. The pub closed and I stumbled the 5 minutes home.I needed to pee but thought I could hold it. I got in, closed the door, tried to lock it, couldn't because I was so drunk so just pissed all over the mat in my mums hallway.
Sick -My 21st birthday I was challenged to do the 21 shot challenge. 21 shots down and I was incredibly drunk. A friends mum gave me and DP a lift home, the whole journey I was feeling worse and worse. She pulled up outside my house, I ran out of the car, through the front door, up the stairs, couldn't open the bathroom door and threw up all over it. I locked myself in there to clean up and was sick for hours. DP who was also quite drunk was incredibly worried about me (we'd only been together 6 weeks) so called his mum crying at 4am because I wouldn't let him in to help me. (We are now married!)
Poo- for some reason my body always seems to want to go for a poo the moment dh steps in the shower. He always locks the door and takes very long showers. Usually I was force it back until he gets out. One time I just couldn't and ended up pooing into one of DDs nappies over a carrier bag in our bedroom and cleaning up with some wipes. Luckily it was a solid one.
I'm very glad I'm not alone in these things!
When DS was toilet training it took him ages to poo in the toilet and so we had loads of accidents and poo filled underpants.
2 of the most memorable are these
One day I had to go to a government office and I brought him with him. There was a long queue and we were there for ages and he inevetibly had an accident. There was a toilet there. The door to it opened right into the very small waiting room. So I brought him in a tried to clean him up but there was no bin so I wrapped his dirty underpants in some toilet paper and put them into my handbag. I laugh now but I was so upset and it was such a stressful day.
The second was worse. We went to eat in Spur. DS went off to play in the playroom and minutes later all the kids started running out of the playroom shouting and crying about 'poo' and 'someone pooed' etc. I went to investigate and it was DS. He had pooed his pants and it had fallen out and was smeared all over the place.
I went to get some tissue and met a several parents in the toilets trying to clean their children up. One mother was giving instructions to her husband to go to Penney's and get some new clothes for their child.
We cleaned DS up as well as we could and left. Luckily we hadn't ordered anything.
I have never been more mortified. It was years before we returned to Spur.
Oh god. I can now add to this thread.
First glass of wine in 2 weeks. Reading some of the funnier comments on here, had a teeny cough and fucking projectile VOMITED all over my lap and mobile phone. Not a second of warning, I didn't even feel sick! I have no explanation.
Was reading this thread all day long then log onto Facebook to find above video....too funny!!
This thread is cursed... I tell you - cursed!
Was sat reading and chuckling this morning. The boys were playing together when ds1 decided he was hungry. Time for breakfast.
I pick up ds2 who is 13 months old and take off his sleeping bag.
Good grief, what's happened to his leg? - I asked in horror. Why is it so much bigger than the other? I was having visions of a sudden attack of elephantitis. But this is the UK, so I'm being daft.
It was his nappy, having slipped down his leg. It was full of the most revolting poo! Yesterday he had eaten a lot of sultanas....
I strip him off and quickly realise wipes aren't going to cut it. DH says he'll pop upstairs and run a bath. Meanwhile ds1 is running about telling me just how much poop my younger son has produced and saying - Look! Look! It's all up his legs!
Yes, thankyou, I can see!
I run upstairs with naked, poo encrusted baby to find a locked bathroom. DH has decided that now is the perfect time for a long winded wee. We have another toilet downstairs! Why now??
Did make it to the bath with no further incidents, and thanks to a nasty case of sinusitis I couldn't smell a thing!
But it's just gone nine am and I am done for the day. Another cup of tea for me....
OOOH this is embarassing, but I had a "time of the month" incident. I was riding my friends horse and she hadn't had him long and the owners (before her) sold him with a lovely "darkish blue" saddle. I knew it was near my period but hadn't realised I'd "come on" (as it was a couple of days before) until we got back to the yard after a lovely ride and realised her lovely blue saddle was now sporting a lovely red patch. Very luckily I got it washed off before she realised, but I had to clean her bridle as well so I said "in payment of letting me ride your horse (as mine was lame) I had cleaned her tack".
Just remembered another.. when dc #5 was about 6 weeks old we were on holiday and It was roasting so she was just in nappy, a little tshirt and some shorts. We were sat at a picnic bench by the beach so I could feed her. Some of my older kids were sat next to me on the bench and we were all facing away from the table leaning against it iykwim. baby was perched on my outer leg, back to the kids next to me, being winded. she suddenly did a poonami.. With no vest on to contain it it flew straight up and out like a drinks fountain all over my other leg and my other kids legs.. imagine if she was facing the other way
ive also just been reminded of Christmas just gone. was changing my then 16m old dc#8 nappy in the chair next to where the Christmas tree was. Poor thing has a dick tummy and as soon as i opened his nappy he shit all over the Christmas tree the kids were rolling with laughter.. Poor baby didn't know if he was coming or going! DH was trying to clean the tree and floor whilst I cleaned the baby..
I'm actually crying at these..
my DM had a bug and had to go in the middle of the night. the hall in her bungalow is long.. im talking 6 meters from her bedroom to the bathroom. she shit all over the laminate on the way to the bathroom.. she couldn't clean it up as she was so ill so went back to bed slipping in shit on the way
she rang me the next day to tell me.. I was rolling with laughter!
Just found this thread. Crying with laughter!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there
Confused, like how can you do sex on your own? Doggy perhaps, turned round and nobody there? Mystified....haha
When I was 14 I went on this youth exchange thingy in Sweden sailing round the islands in a little boat. The boat had a chemical toilet but it was broken. We were moored overnight on a uninhabited island covered in trees. In the middle if the night I needed to poo so trudged off into the forest with my torch. I found a lovely spot hidden from all the boats by the trees, nice big leaves to use to wipe. Did my poo, picked up the nice leaf only to find someone else had had the same idea and the leaf was already covered in someone else's poo, that was now all over my hands!
Don't worry OP, I only shat myself during sex.
I did warn my partner about digging for gold
Another horsey yard story. I was pressure washing stables in the summer, there was only me on the yard and i needed a poo. I went into my bosses office and used her loo. It blocked, water flooded everywhere and the poo was still there. I went and got a feed bag and a pair of rubber gloves and put the poo in there and into the skip. Cleaned up the water, noone knew! I then got told days later not to use that loo as its not been working right for months. No kidding!!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there, he said he felt the hair on his balls move hahaha
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