I pooed on my skirt at work today(341 Posts)
I am not a poo troll.
I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.
I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.
Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.
I got away with it.
I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.
Just remembered another.. when dc #5 was about 6 weeks old we were on holiday and It was roasting so she was just in nappy, a little tshirt and some shorts. We were sat at a picnic bench by the beach so I could feed her. Some of my older kids were sat next to me on the bench and we were all facing away from the table leaning against it iykwim. baby was perched on my outer leg, back to the kids next to me, being winded. she suddenly did a poonami.. With no vest on to contain it it flew straight up and out like a drinks fountain all over my other leg and my other kids legs.. imagine if she was facing the other way
ive also just been reminded of Christmas just gone. was changing my then 16m old dc#8 nappy in the chair next to where the Christmas tree was. Poor thing has a dick tummy and as soon as i opened his nappy he shit all over the Christmas tree the kids were rolling with laughter.. Poor baby didn't know if he was coming or going! DH was trying to clean the tree and floor whilst I cleaned the baby..
I'm actually crying at these..
my DM had a bug and had to go in the middle of the night. the hall in her bungalow is long.. im talking 6 meters from her bedroom to the bathroom. she shit all over the laminate on the way to the bathroom.. she couldn't clean it up as she was so ill so went back to bed slipping in shit on the way
she rang me the next day to tell me.. I was rolling with laughter!
Just found this thread. Crying with laughter!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there
Confused, like how can you do sex on your own? Doggy perhaps, turned round and nobody there? Mystified....haha
When I was 14 I went on this youth exchange thingy in Sweden sailing round the islands in a little boat. The boat had a chemical toilet but it was broken. We were moored overnight on a uninhabited island covered in trees. In the middle if the night I needed to poo so trudged off into the forest with my torch. I found a lovely spot hidden from all the boats by the trees, nice big leaves to use to wipe. Did my poo, picked up the nice leaf only to find someone else had had the same idea and the leaf was already covered in someone else's poo, that was now all over my hands!
Don't worry OP, I only shat myself during sex.
I did warn my partner about digging for gold
Another horsey yard story. I was pressure washing stables in the summer, there was only me on the yard and i needed a poo. I went into my bosses office and used her loo. It blocked, water flooded everywhere and the poo was still there. I went and got a feed bag and a pair of rubber gloves and put the poo in there and into the skip. Cleaned up the water, noone knew! I then got told days later not to use that loo as its not been working right for months. No kidding!!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there, he said he felt the hair on his balls move hahaha
So thankfully this happened to my dm. I was about 14 and we was out shopping, everything was fine until we got into boots. There i was browsing the posh make up displays that back onto some perfume stands when dm joins me. Out of nowhere her apparently very strong diet pills kick in, and shit flies out with such force that it passed through her extremely thin white linen trousers across onto the boxes of perfum behind her.
Like any teenager I left her there and got the bus home as she was left the waddle to the car park.
Me and my exdp were getting intimate and i was giving him a bj. for some unknown reason i stupidly thought i could go at it like a porn star. i couldn't, i was sick all over him. then sick again from being sick. This happened on three seperate occasions
I leaked on my chair at work. Soft desk chair. Panicked told my manager and she told me to switch it with a chair in the other room before anyone else noticed . That chair is still in the other room being used..
Some globe artichokes turned up in an organic veg box. The blurb said they could sometimes cause flatulence but not if you boil them thoroughly. So I decided to make soup with them, making sure they boiled for a good long time. Very nice soup it was too, DH and I both had seconds.
You guessed it, the blurb lied. I can confidently confirm that boiling does nothing to prevent flatulence. DH and I spent a cosy afternoon competing with each other to see who could produce the longest and loudest farts. Never again.
Went for lunch with my mum and her friend when my IBS kicked in. The toilets in the restaurant were rank, so I left my mum to pay and dashed to the car. She waved her friend off and dawdled over to the car, only to be greeted by the horror of me sharting as she got into the drivers seat. Because I was to embarassed to get out of the car at home and have the neighbours see my shit encrusted jeans I made her drive three miles to my office - the office was closed and I had the key.
Every few hundred yards I would fart and shit some more. Poor mum had to drive with her head hanging out of the window. Got to the office with a bin bag wrapped around me and shit running down my leg. Mum started roaring with laughter and not vomit at the same time. I opened up the office and had mum drive home to (discretely) get clean clothes for me. The toilets were a scene of devastation by the time she drove back: shit all over my arse, my back, the walls and the floor.
Luckily, she thought to bring wet wipes, towels and a clean bin bag to sit on for the drive home.
This thread has made me laugh so much.
A few yrs ago me and dh went away for our anniversary to a lovely hotel without the kids.
He ate mussels the first night which we have since discovered he's allergic to.
The next day we went for a walk alongside the lake, we were a few miles away from the hotel when he started to look a bit panicky and said he desperately needed a poo. We started marching swiftly back towards the hotel but dh started going faster and faster. Kind of like one of those speed walkers who wiggle their bums. By this point I could barely walk for laughing because he was wiggling away fast and kept looking back with a look of utter panic on his face. Eventually he sped off into the distance and I was left to snort my way back to the hotel.
When I got into the room the orchestra sounds coming out of the bathroom set me off again.
I was rolling about on the bed hooting at every trumpet. Dh could hear me laughing and started laughing too. Made all the funnier because every time he laughed it was followed by a succession of loud parpy farts.
A couple of years ago my mum came to stay for Xmas. My new bf was there and some pals and we ended up having an impromptu party with lots to drink. DM wasn't used to huge quantities of booze and as the evening wore on suddenly her face changed and she rapidly left the room. She was in my bathroom for around 2 hours, wouldn't explain herself or let me in, just said she didn't feel well. DH was asking questions as he needed a wee, eventually I managed to persuade her to leave the loo. Cue discovery of what can only be described as a shit storm, which she had drunkenly tried to clean up, smears of poo everywhere! I scrubbed the whole bathroom but the following morning I realised she had hung towels etc on radiator to dry and they were also coated....or rather, DH discovered! To this day, DM still thinks it was hilarious. Coincidentally, she came to stay this Christmas too. Stayed in the guest room with en suite and woke us on Xmas eve saying there was a leak in the kitchen. It transpired the puddle on the floor came from the ceiling directly under the loo in the ensuite which was blocked from DMs 4am poo!!!! The on call plumber had to spend his Xmas eve wearing my marigolds and scooping poo into carrier bags.......
It's not Christmas without DM and her Christmas poo...
Flew back from Cape Town, where the temperature was 30 deg at 9 pm and landed at Heathrow early morning where the temperature was -3 deg. Bursting for a wee when we found our car, dh suggested using the other cars as cover and just get on with it. It worked. The relief. The cloud of steam that just went on and on. Laughed nearly all the way home.
Best thread ever.
Driving along the M25 with DS1 who was 3 and tiny DS2 hit traffic jam and when DS1 needed to go you needed to find a loo quick. We were stuck in 4 lanes of stationary traffic quick thinking meant I passed him one of his brothers nappies and on top of the dartford crossing he had a wee straight into the nappy hilarious and he still remembers it now at 7and always mentions it when we pass that point.
My ex has shat himself while riding his motorbike - all up the back of his leathers and out the top. I also found out that he recently did it in Tesco all in his pants!!
Fascinating thread, and interesting that it was highlighted by Mumsnet recently.
A male perspective is that real men are aware that their female partners, wives and daughters have problems and issues with poo and menstrual events.
We love the females in our lives unconditionally and feel absolutely no shame, disgust or repulsion about the events and incidents recounted above.
Newsflash- You are girls and women and we just love you!
My dad has always had a delicate tummy, and when he needs to go then everyone gets out of his way. A few years back he pooed in his boxers whilst walking down the path trying to get into the house, cue daughter to help clean him up (I'm a nurse now!) those boxers were thrown away but we've always called that pattern/shitting pants experience a "no shit" experience - and there have been a few!!
The most funniest to date, was on the way home from shopping and when he could just about walk short distances, we had to stop at a garage so he could use their loo, he was so desperate bless him that he rushed as best he could, refusing my help. So I waited, and waited and waited some more, until he finally came out of the garage very red in the face and just said "drive, please just drive" he'd gone into the small cubicle inside the shop and went for England a very loose explosion, the worst part of it was though, that only after finishing going and standing up to clear himself up did he realise he hadn't lifted the seat! He had shat on the closed lid, and took ages to clean it all up, whilst vomiting as he did!!!
We now take carrier bags in the car and always plan where the loo are! He thinks it's hilarious now Bless him!!
Lying in bed after a week on codeine, I can safely say at this exact moment in time I am sooooo jealous of all your embarassing / hilarious poo stories!
Have been creased up at this classic thread.
Travelling to a family gathering for DS' first birthday party, we'd been on the motorway for 10 mins when we hit a jam. Half hour later and I was desperate for a wee but DH wasn't quite believing me. The next junction finally arrived and DH eventually pulled up in a big home/DIY car park. No loos - Mum (sat in the back with DS) shielded me as I wee'd for England between the near side passenger doors in plain view of a very busy Saturday car park. Well, a horse would've been jealous, and there was quite an almighty puddle as evidence of my desperate need. I had to change knickers and my trousers because of "splash back" and because we were all laughing uncontrollably.
Now when I tell DH I need the loo, he believes me. But I don't think I have ever done one quite like that since.
2 days post dd's arrival, I was still in hospital, and was desperate for a poo, but a bit scared.
Was sitting on the loo, and the poo decided to emerge - half-way only. Cue instant panic. My perineum was still swollen, so it couldn't pull back to cut off the poo into turds.
Next to the loo was a bidet with a shower hose type of attachment. I must have spent about 20 mins there aiming the shower head and the jet of water in an attempt at trying to soften the poo so it would slide out easily.
I got more and more worried that I was going to have to pull the red cord to summon help from the midwives. Felt I needed a spatula, or small spoon to dig out the poo from my arse. Eventually, I managed.
Heaven knows why, but on the way back to the ward I felt the need to tell my sorry tale to the midwives on the reception. 2 of them pissed themselves laughing, and said they were glad not to have been summoned, and all they would have done was to give me a maternity towel to press against my swollen muscles to encourage the poo to come away.
With that, they handed me a maternity towel in case of future need.
Mine is a fart one. When dd1 was born, she was very small and we both had to stay in hospital for three weeks. I was terrified of poo-ing as had 16 stitches and as she was my first, honestly thought they may burst if I went to the loo. Anyway, I was desperate after about four days but still daren't so was blowing off all over the place...Was in the nursery just popping off continuously and one of the midwives said 'oh dear, who's got a dirty nappy then?' and went round picking all the babies up to check. None of them had, and I was so embarrassed, I just sort of wafted out, trailing poo smells behind me. In the end I had to tell and did manage in the end!
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