I pooed on my skirt at work today(347 Posts)
I am not a poo troll.
I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.
I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.
Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.
I got away with it.
I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.
This whole thread has had me in stitches!
I have quite a few awful stories, 2 of which involve being very drunk.
Wee - I was still living at home. I had been at the pub with some friends and drank far too much. The pub closed and I stumbled the 5 minutes home.I needed to pee but thought I could hold it. I got in, closed the door, tried to lock it, couldn't because I was so drunk so just pissed all over the mat in my mums hallway.
Sick -My 21st birthday I was challenged to do the 21 shot challenge. 21 shots down and I was incredibly drunk. A friends mum gave me and DP a lift home, the whole journey I was feeling worse and worse. She pulled up outside my house, I ran out of the car, through the front door, up the stairs, couldn't open the bathroom door and threw up all over it. I locked myself in there to clean up and was sick for hours. DP who was also quite drunk was incredibly worried about me (we'd only been together 6 weeks) so called his mum crying at 4am because I wouldn't let him in to help me. (We are now married!)
Poo- for some reason my body always seems to want to go for a poo the moment dh steps in the shower. He always locks the door and takes very long showers. Usually I was force it back until he gets out. One time I just couldn't and ended up pooing into one of DDs nappies over a carrier bag in our bedroom and cleaning up with some wipes. Luckily it was a solid one.
I'm very glad I'm not alone in these things!
When DS was toilet training it took him ages to poo in the toilet and so we had loads of accidents and poo filled underpants.
2 of the most memorable are these
One day I had to go to a government office and I brought him with him. There was a long queue and we were there for ages and he inevetibly had an accident. There was a toilet there. The door to it opened right into the very small waiting room. So I brought him in a tried to clean him up but there was no bin so I wrapped his dirty underpants in some toilet paper and put them into my handbag. I laugh now but I was so upset and it was such a stressful day.
The second was worse. We went to eat in Spur. DS went off to play in the playroom and minutes later all the kids started running out of the playroom shouting and crying about 'poo' and 'someone pooed' etc. I went to investigate and it was DS. He had pooed his pants and it had fallen out and was smeared all over the place.
I went to get some tissue and met a several parents in the toilets trying to clean their children up. One mother was giving instructions to her husband to go to Penney's and get some new clothes for their child.
We cleaned DS up as well as we could and left. Luckily we hadn't ordered anything.
I have never been more mortified. It was years before we returned to Spur.
Oh god. I can now add to this thread.
First glass of wine in 2 weeks. Reading some of the funnier comments on here, had a teeny cough and fucking projectile VOMITED all over my lap and mobile phone. Not a second of warning, I didn't even feel sick! I have no explanation.
Was reading this thread all day long then log onto Facebook to find above video....too funny!!
This thread is cursed... I tell you - cursed!
Was sat reading and chuckling this morning. The boys were playing together when ds1 decided he was hungry. Time for breakfast.
I pick up ds2 who is 13 months old and take off his sleeping bag.
Good grief, what's happened to his leg? - I asked in horror. Why is it so much bigger than the other? I was having visions of a sudden attack of elephantitis. But this is the UK, so I'm being daft.
It was his nappy, having slipped down his leg. It was full of the most revolting poo! Yesterday he had eaten a lot of sultanas....
I strip him off and quickly realise wipes aren't going to cut it. DH says he'll pop upstairs and run a bath. Meanwhile ds1 is running about telling me just how much poop my younger son has produced and saying - Look! Look! It's all up his legs!
Yes, thankyou, I can see!
I run upstairs with naked, poo encrusted baby to find a locked bathroom. DH has decided that now is the perfect time for a long winded wee. We have another toilet downstairs! Why now??
Did make it to the bath with no further incidents, and thanks to a nasty case of sinusitis I couldn't smell a thing!
But it's just gone nine am and I am done for the day. Another cup of tea for me....
OOOH this is embarassing, but I had a "time of the month" incident. I was riding my friends horse and she hadn't had him long and the owners (before her) sold him with a lovely "darkish blue" saddle. I knew it was near my period but hadn't realised I'd "come on" (as it was a couple of days before) until we got back to the yard after a lovely ride and realised her lovely blue saddle was now sporting a lovely red patch. Very luckily I got it washed off before she realised, but I had to clean her bridle as well so I said "in payment of letting me ride your horse (as mine was lame) I had cleaned her tack".
Just remembered another.. when dc #5 was about 6 weeks old we were on holiday and It was roasting so she was just in nappy, a little tshirt and some shorts. We were sat at a picnic bench by the beach so I could feed her. Some of my older kids were sat next to me on the bench and we were all facing away from the table leaning against it iykwim. baby was perched on my outer leg, back to the kids next to me, being winded. she suddenly did a poonami.. With no vest on to contain it it flew straight up and out like a drinks fountain all over my other leg and my other kids legs.. imagine if she was facing the other way
ive also just been reminded of Christmas just gone. was changing my then 16m old dc#8 nappy in the chair next to where the Christmas tree was. Poor thing has a dick tummy and as soon as i opened his nappy he shit all over the Christmas tree the kids were rolling with laughter.. Poor baby didn't know if he was coming or going! DH was trying to clean the tree and floor whilst I cleaned the baby..
I'm actually crying at these..
my DM had a bug and had to go in the middle of the night. the hall in her bungalow is long.. im talking 6 meters from her bedroom to the bathroom. she shit all over the laminate on the way to the bathroom.. she couldn't clean it up as she was so ill so went back to bed slipping in shit on the way
she rang me the next day to tell me.. I was rolling with laughter!
Just found this thread. Crying with laughter!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there
Confused, like how can you do sex on your own? Doggy perhaps, turned round and nobody there? Mystified....haha
When I was 14 I went on this youth exchange thingy in Sweden sailing round the islands in a little boat. The boat had a chemical toilet but it was broken. We were moored overnight on a uninhabited island covered in trees. In the middle if the night I needed to poo so trudged off into the forest with my torch. I found a lovely spot hidden from all the boats by the trees, nice big leaves to use to wipe. Did my poo, picked up the nice leaf only to find someone else had had the same idea and the leaf was already covered in someone else's poo, that was now all over my hands!
Don't worry OP, I only shat myself during sex.
I did warn my partner about digging for gold
Another horsey yard story. I was pressure washing stables in the summer, there was only me on the yard and i needed a poo. I went into my bosses office and used her loo. It blocked, water flooded everywhere and the poo was still there. I went and got a feed bag and a pair of rubber gloves and put the poo in there and into the skip. Cleaned up the water, noone knew! I then got told days later not to use that loo as its not been working right for months. No kidding!!
i once farted during sex the most loudest fart ever and even turned round to see if anyone was there, he said he felt the hair on his balls move hahaha
So thankfully this happened to my dm. I was about 14 and we was out shopping, everything was fine until we got into boots. There i was browsing the posh make up displays that back onto some perfume stands when dm joins me. Out of nowhere her apparently very strong diet pills kick in, and shit flies out with such force that it passed through her extremely thin white linen trousers across onto the boxes of perfum behind her.
Like any teenager I left her there and got the bus home as she was left the waddle to the car park.
Me and my exdp were getting intimate and i was giving him a bj. for some unknown reason i stupidly thought i could go at it like a porn star. i couldn't, i was sick all over him. then sick again from being sick. This happened on three seperate occasions
I leaked on my chair at work. Soft desk chair. Panicked told my manager and she told me to switch it with a chair in the other room before anyone else noticed . That chair is still in the other room being used..
Some globe artichokes turned up in an organic veg box. The blurb said they could sometimes cause flatulence but not if you boil them thoroughly. So I decided to make soup with them, making sure they boiled for a good long time. Very nice soup it was too, DH and I both had seconds.
You guessed it, the blurb lied. I can confidently confirm that boiling does nothing to prevent flatulence. DH and I spent a cosy afternoon competing with each other to see who could produce the longest and loudest farts. Never again.
Went for lunch with my mum and her friend when my IBS kicked in. The toilets in the restaurant were rank, so I left my mum to pay and dashed to the car. She waved her friend off and dawdled over to the car, only to be greeted by the horror of me sharting as she got into the drivers seat. Because I was to embarassed to get out of the car at home and have the neighbours see my shit encrusted jeans I made her drive three miles to my office - the office was closed and I had the key.
Every few hundred yards I would fart and shit some more. Poor mum had to drive with her head hanging out of the window. Got to the office with a bin bag wrapped around me and shit running down my leg. Mum started roaring with laughter and not vomit at the same time. I opened up the office and had mum drive home to (discretely) get clean clothes for me. The toilets were a scene of devastation by the time she drove back: shit all over my arse, my back, the walls and the floor.
Luckily, she thought to bring wet wipes, towels and a clean bin bag to sit on for the drive home.
This thread has made me laugh so much.
A few yrs ago me and dh went away for our anniversary to a lovely hotel without the kids.
He ate mussels the first night which we have since discovered he's allergic to.
The next day we went for a walk alongside the lake, we were a few miles away from the hotel when he started to look a bit panicky and said he desperately needed a poo. We started marching swiftly back towards the hotel but dh started going faster and faster. Kind of like one of those speed walkers who wiggle their bums. By this point I could barely walk for laughing because he was wiggling away fast and kept looking back with a look of utter panic on his face. Eventually he sped off into the distance and I was left to snort my way back to the hotel.
When I got into the room the orchestra sounds coming out of the bathroom set me off again.
I was rolling about on the bed hooting at every trumpet. Dh could hear me laughing and started laughing too. Made all the funnier because every time he laughed it was followed by a succession of loud parpy farts.
A couple of years ago my mum came to stay for Xmas. My new bf was there and some pals and we ended up having an impromptu party with lots to drink. DM wasn't used to huge quantities of booze and as the evening wore on suddenly her face changed and she rapidly left the room. She was in my bathroom for around 2 hours, wouldn't explain herself or let me in, just said she didn't feel well. DH was asking questions as he needed a wee, eventually I managed to persuade her to leave the loo. Cue discovery of what can only be described as a shit storm, which she had drunkenly tried to clean up, smears of poo everywhere! I scrubbed the whole bathroom but the following morning I realised she had hung towels etc on radiator to dry and they were also coated....or rather, DH discovered! To this day, DM still thinks it was hilarious. Coincidentally, she came to stay this Christmas too. Stayed in the guest room with en suite and woke us on Xmas eve saying there was a leak in the kitchen. It transpired the puddle on the floor came from the ceiling directly under the loo in the ensuite which was blocked from DMs 4am poo!!!! The on call plumber had to spend his Xmas eve wearing my marigolds and scooping poo into carrier bags.......
It's not Christmas without DM and her Christmas poo...
Flew back from Cape Town, where the temperature was 30 deg at 9 pm and landed at Heathrow early morning where the temperature was -3 deg. Bursting for a wee when we found our car, dh suggested using the other cars as cover and just get on with it. It worked. The relief. The cloud of steam that just went on and on. Laughed nearly all the way home.
Best thread ever.
Driving along the M25 with DS1 who was 3 and tiny DS2 hit traffic jam and when DS1 needed to go you needed to find a loo quick. We were stuck in 4 lanes of stationary traffic quick thinking meant I passed him one of his brothers nappies and on top of the dartford crossing he had a wee straight into the nappy hilarious and he still remembers it now at 7and always mentions it when we pass that point.
My ex has shat himself while riding his motorbike - all up the back of his leathers and out the top. I also found out that he recently did it in Tesco all in his pants!!
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