I pooed on my skirt at work today(350 Posts)
I am not a poo troll.
I almost never poo at work. Today was an 'upset tummy' day.
I was wearing a rather huge, billowy Maxi skirt and I must have lost track of exactly where it all was while on loo. Nasty.
Had to do damage limitation with looroll in the cubicle, then stealthy washing in handbasin, all the while praying no-one would come in.
I got away with it.
I have a feeling you aren't going to believe me.
I'd Like to add here......
I was in the hairdressing wholesalers one afternoon, totally alone except for the assistant. It's a big place and as I stood choosing the hairdyes my stomach started to cramp alarmingly until I let out a silent but massive fart.
The smell of the fart was truly appalling and at that moment another woman entered the shop.
I remember standing there thinking 'please don't, please don't come over here' as she came right up next to me. I was mortified with embarassment and said to her in a meek giggly voice, 'Oh, I thought I was alone'.
She said absolutely nothing
Maxmillie he has just informed me that he wrapped it up tidily and chucked it in the skip!
He says he recognised as it his own from eating glitter and crayons with the DCs the day before
And he is now questioning that it was actually his
He just pulled a <boak> face at the thought it MIT have been one of the other work men's!!!
My Dexh was in Milan doing some gigs and they had all been sleeping in the van. He woke one morning desperate for a dump but there were no loos, so he went under the nearest bush. He did what he had to do and looked up and discovered that the bloke who had been driving had parked next to a courtyard and my D ex had just shat in front of a load of uber posh Milanese having breakfast on their patio's.
Oh my - these are hysterical!
I was once queuing for an evening buffet at a wedding with my DH. He nudges me to look at something. There, on the floor, is a wee round brown poop about the size of a marble He has shit himself whilst farting and, being a true Scotsman in his kilt, it had fallen straight from arse to floor without being contained by pants. He sniggers and just keeps moving with the queue. I assume that the rest of the guests trampled it into the floorboards. I didn't want to give it too much attention in case anyone thought it was mine.
I have read this thread from start to finish, and as a sufferer of a bowel disorder- I NEED to share this mishap.....
I was at the In-laws and had the tell tale stomach cramps, hot flushes and 'pressure' that tells me I am going to explode southwards. We were sitting around chatting with a cuppa so I discreetly made excuses and popped upstairs. Put the taps on and quickly sat on the throne. I won't go into detail about the next couple of minutes but it was AWFUL. A life changing poo. Then lots of wiping. Relief. All sorted.
Stood up to pull my trousers up and.....
It was all up the back of the throne. THE WALLS. I think the high pressure of the whole situation reached about 2 thirds of the way up the wall behind the toilet. Cue a major clean up job with lots of damp tissue and hand wash. A fecking nightmare. I must have been up there for about half an hour all in all. Not discreet at all.
I feel cleansed now. Thanks.
I had diarrhea, on acid, in a portaloo that had no lock and no toilet paper. I had to cling onto the door with one hand, get my knickers off to use as toilet roll and get my trousers back on with the other hand. All the while feeling like the portaloo was flying around like the tardis.
Quite enjoyed it.
Marking my spot. Having to do this because DH lying next to me is getting annoyed at my constant giggling at all these posts
The duet of farts in the loo has had me laughing like a drain
I know it's old but I feel I must share :
1. Driving lesson aged 17, the most dickhead instructor ever, and I had that desperate urge to pee, I broke every speed limit possible but dhead decided I needed to be pulled up on the speeding front (don't blame him but...) I couldn't last any longer and wet myself all over the drivers seat. He didn't look to impressed when I got out and he had to sit on a wet seat!
2. We were going to watch the marathon or something else and I had had too much to drink the night before, huge tummy rumblings and small shaft later I find myself in a huge queue of a small ub toilet....... Let rip and the whole place erupted into almost vomiting customers. I pretended it was the person before me, but needless to say I went commando!
It has happened to me too, I think I blogged it and its on a thread here somewhere!
I accidently OD's on Milk of Magnesia taking it for indigestion and not reading the label correctly I probably had about twice the laxative dose, not even knowing it was a laxative... fast forward to next morning, up and out for work in a hurry with a cup of tea in a travel mug..
Well four sips of tea and 10 mins from home.. almighty gurgle and everything inside me turned to liquid and wanted out! lol.. I turned around and rushed home as fast as I dare but getting out of the car on my drive it all became too much and well...
I ended up doing the stiff legged waddle up my drive with a womans magazine from the back seat held over my embarrassing mishap!!!
I've got a good one about a friend and one about yours truly:
1) Friend's dad lives in rural France. My mate was driving to see him and did part of the drive overnight. It got to dawn, and my friend needed to poo, so he pulled up on this road in the middle of nowhere, got behind a tree, and squatted.
Just as he was curling it out, there was a WHOOSH noise and my friend looked around to see a hot air balloon rising into the morning sky, the occupants of the basket pointing at him, aghast.
2) I went camping on the dunes with some folk a few years back and in the early evening scuttled off to find somewhere to wee. I clambered up a sandbank, found a tuft of long grass to hide behind next to a fence, and squatted with by back to the fence so I could keep my eyes open for people on the beach.
. I heard a soft 'clunk', turned around and realised too late that being the fence was a 10 foot drop onto a golf course and I was pissing in full view of the 9th hole.
Why I feel the need to share this I do not know, but here goes..
My best friend and I are outside the local pub at the end of a night of drinking/dancing/socialising. I feel the need to do a little fart. No problem, loads of people around making lots of noise. A wee fart won't be heard.
I turn to her straight away and say We need to go. NOW
Why? She says
I have to tell the truth, or the urgency of my voice just won't cut it.
My boyfriend came up my ass earlier this afternoon. I thought I had got all the cum out. But I just farted and a load of it has just come out with my fart.
Name changing now.
Mine is a peeing story.
A few years ago I'd had a day doing outdoorsy stuff, far away from a loo. I tend not to drink much water but towards the end of the day accepted that I was going to have to pee 'au naturale'.
We had just walked past a low wall at the side of the lane that seemed to be part of a sheep enclosure or something. Told friend where I was going and being the only people around, dashed back to happily squat behind the wall.
Except, mid-stream, I hear the unmistakeable sound of hooves. There are about five horse riders coming past and I realise that from their raised vantage point they will pretty much see everything
So what do I do?
Hunker down and squeak 'I'm weeing!' As said riders go past.
I waited till they were a long way off before I stood up and saw friend, who had heard my panicked squeaking, literally crying laughing.
Horseygeorgie, the same thing that happened to your friend happened to me. Except that I burst into laughter and couldn't stop for at least an hour. DP took it reasonably well, hosed himself off in the shower and got back into bed. He said he'd never forget it
Luckily we're still together nearly a year later.
Oh so many stories (not all about me!)
1. ExDPs mum got drunk andshat in a bidet thinking it was the loo, relised it wouldnt flush so wrapped it in loo roll and popped it in her handbag! Why she didnt put it down the loo I will never know.
2. When I was a student I had too much to drink and threw up in my wastepaper bin, mid vom I felt the sudden urge to poo so had to whip arohnd and squat over the bin and basically vommed oyt of my bum. I think I then passed out. Trying to sneak the bin past my 5 housemates to the loo the next day involved a lot of planning and my room stank for days.
3.The first time my dp stayed over we had been out for a few drinks. Whilst locking up to go to bed I projectile vomitted across the kitchen and all over him. I ran upstairs to finish being sick and had a quick shower. I went back downstairs to find him still there (I would have ran for the hills) I went into the kitchen to get a glass of water to try and ease my stomach and slipped in the pile of vom on the floor. I banged both knees and chin on tiled floor and had the be helped up by the poor man. Cue another shower then him kindly popping into bed. Crazy man we are still together 4 years later!
Not as bad as some of these on here but it's my only poo..er.."experience".
I was about 10 yo and staying at a friends house for the night when I sharted. I tipped the poo down the toilet and put my soiled knickers in the little sandwich bag my mum had put my toothbrush in. This was all done in the bathroom while I was getting changed into my PJ's so when I had done, I gathered up all my clothes and the offending bag.
Got back to the bedroom and couldn't find my shitty little bag. Then friends mother walked in the room with the bag at arms length asking if I had dropped it.
I mumbled something about fetching chocolate for a midnight snack but it had melted. Thankfully no questions about why the chocolate was not wrapped up or why my knickers were in there were asked!
Mine is a fart one. When dd1 was born, she was very small and we both had to stay in hospital for three weeks. I was terrified of poo-ing as had 16 stitches and as she was my first, honestly thought they may burst if I went to the loo. Anyway, I was desperate after about four days but still daren't so was blowing off all over the place...Was in the nursery just popping off continuously and one of the midwives said 'oh dear, who's got a dirty nappy then?' and went round picking all the babies up to check. None of them had, and I was so embarrassed, I just sort of wafted out, trailing poo smells behind me. In the end I had to tell and did manage in the end!
2 days post dd's arrival, I was still in hospital, and was desperate for a poo, but a bit scared.
Was sitting on the loo, and the poo decided to emerge - half-way only. Cue instant panic. My perineum was still swollen, so it couldn't pull back to cut off the poo into turds.
Next to the loo was a bidet with a shower hose type of attachment. I must have spent about 20 mins there aiming the shower head and the jet of water in an attempt at trying to soften the poo so it would slide out easily.
I got more and more worried that I was going to have to pull the red cord to summon help from the midwives. Felt I needed a spatula, or small spoon to dig out the poo from my arse. Eventually, I managed.
Heaven knows why, but on the way back to the ward I felt the need to tell my sorry tale to the midwives on the reception. 2 of them pissed themselves laughing, and said they were glad not to have been summoned, and all they would have done was to give me a maternity towel to press against my swollen muscles to encourage the poo to come away.
With that, they handed me a maternity towel in case of future need.
Have been creased up at this classic thread.
Travelling to a family gathering for DS' first birthday party, we'd been on the motorway for 10 mins when we hit a jam. Half hour later and I was desperate for a wee but DH wasn't quite believing me. The next junction finally arrived and DH eventually pulled up in a big home/DIY car park. No loos - Mum (sat in the back with DS) shielded me as I wee'd for England between the near side passenger doors in plain view of a very busy Saturday car park. Well, a horse would've been jealous, and there was quite an almighty puddle as evidence of my desperate need. I had to change knickers and my trousers because of "splash back" and because we were all laughing uncontrollably.
Now when I tell DH I need the loo, he believes me. But I don't think I have ever done one quite like that since.
Lying in bed after a week on codeine, I can safely say at this exact moment in time I am sooooo jealous of all your embarassing / hilarious poo stories!
My dad has always had a delicate tummy, and when he needs to go then everyone gets out of his way. A few years back he pooed in his boxers whilst walking down the path trying to get into the house, cue daughter to help clean him up (I'm a nurse now!) those boxers were thrown away but we've always called that pattern/shitting pants experience a "no shit" experience - and there have been a few!!
The most funniest to date, was on the way home from shopping and when he could just about walk short distances, we had to stop at a garage so he could use their loo, he was so desperate bless him that he rushed as best he could, refusing my help. So I waited, and waited and waited some more, until he finally came out of the garage very red in the face and just said "drive, please just drive" he'd gone into the small cubicle inside the shop and went for England a very loose explosion, the worst part of it was though, that only after finishing going and standing up to clear himself up did he realise he hadn't lifted the seat! He had shat on the closed lid, and took ages to clean it all up, whilst vomiting as he did!!!
We now take carrier bags in the car and always plan where the loo are! He thinks it's hilarious now Bless him!!
Fascinating thread, and interesting that it was highlighted by Mumsnet recently.
A male perspective is that real men are aware that their female partners, wives and daughters have problems and issues with poo and menstrual events.
We love the females in our lives unconditionally and feel absolutely no shame, disgust or repulsion about the events and incidents recounted above.
Newsflash- You are girls and women and we just love you!
My ex has shat himself while riding his motorbike - all up the back of his leathers and out the top. I also found out that he recently did it in Tesco all in his pants!!
Driving along the M25 with DS1 who was 3 and tiny DS2 hit traffic jam and when DS1 needed to go you needed to find a loo quick. We were stuck in 4 lanes of stationary traffic quick thinking meant I passed him one of his brothers nappies and on top of the dartford crossing he had a wee straight into the nappy hilarious and he still remembers it now at 7and always mentions it when we pass that point.
Flew back from Cape Town, where the temperature was 30 deg at 9 pm and landed at Heathrow early morning where the temperature was -3 deg. Bursting for a wee when we found our car, dh suggested using the other cars as cover and just get on with it. It worked. The relief. The cloud of steam that just went on and on. Laughed nearly all the way home.
Best thread ever.
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