Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

(462 Posts)

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment sad What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

bonzo77 Sat 07-Jan-12 19:40:38

Oh swansea, what a day for you! Sounds like you need brew and possibly wine. I have to say the codeine really helped me sleep though! Pleased your DH is being amazing. I totally understand the horror about your toddler. My 22 month old would do the same if given half a chance. My MIL offered to come and help and take DS "off my hands" when she first heard about the mc. I was livid, feeling like she wanted to take my other child away! That's the way this makes you feel, isn't it?

red I would also recommend a book and sanitary towels (I just used normal ones, the long sort as somehow all the blood ends up in my bum crack when I lie down!). I took slippers but didn't need them as they wheeled me to the operating theatre. A dressing gown would have been nice as it was cold, but I wore my coat over my hospital gown while I was waiting and then got dressed as soon as I got out of recovery. I was given a side room, so modesty was not too much of an issue. Not sure why I got a side room, I like to think that the hospital knows I am very special, as I also got on the post natal ward after having DS.

I'm not sure if everyone has the same experience, but I always feel cold and shaky as I go in for the anaesthetic, I was the same for 2 previous GAs and when I was taken in for my EMCS. I'm sure it is the result of adrenaline and nerves, so don't worry if you feel the same. Different hospitals are different, but I also had the pessaries and a dose of painkillers half an hour before the procedure. Then in the anaesthetic room they put a needle in my hand and gave me some opiate painkillers which made me feel very very warm and woozy grin and something to stop me feeling sick, then the anaesthetic which had knocked me out before the syringe was empty. One of the drugs made my arm feel really odd as it went in, so don't worry if that happens. At some point I was asking the anaesthetist what the difference is between an epidural and a spinal, but I was clearly out of my tree as I cannot remember the answer!

After the procedure I woke up in recovery and had very kind one-on-one care from a nurse. I was cold so she gave me an extra blanket, and was still cold so she gave me a funny plastic blanket that inflated with hot air. That was lovely. I was also very thirsty so she helped me drink water with a straw. I was there for about half an hour before the Dr came to check up on me. He asked if I wanted to know anything, so obviously the first thing I asked was when I could get pregnant again! Then I was wheeled back to my room where I got dressed and the nurse got me a sandwich and a cup of tea. I was there for an hour then she called DH to collect me. They can only let you go after you have done a wee.

Sorry, long one, but hopefully that explains a lot about what to expect.

Bonzo well done you, forgot all about the op and after, very similar experience to you. Had to eat, drink and wee before they would let me go home, no problem ther I was starving and thirsty.
Oh and you did make me laugh about the blood in your bum crack smile

loubloutwinmum Sat 07-Jan-12 20:43:33

Swanseamum sorry you are having a bad day, sounds awful but it is such a difficult time so don't beat yourself up.

Bleeding quite heavily now but only for last hour or so! I really hope this can happen naturally & quickly so I get all clear when I'm scanned Tues. my appointment is at 9am so haven't got to wait all day at least! Really hurts at the moment, even with drugs! Might have a glass of wine in a bit, can't feel any worse.

loublou really hope this goes quickly for you now, thinking of you.

SwanseaMum Sat 07-Jan-12 22:59:57

Oh loublou i really hope this ends quickly for you, i hate to think what pain your in. hot water bottle and a bottle of wine never mind a glass. smile xx

shomes Sun 08-Jan-12 09:28:54

swanseamum I really hope today is a better day for you. My ds is playing up alot at the moment and since we have just comeback from christmas in italy he is not sleeping well at all which i making it worse for me as i'm really grumpy!

bonzo thank goodness you made me laugh with the bum crack thing, lightened my mood this morning,

Have been talking to DH he seems like he's trying to carry on as normal as are we both and work is a distraction but getting through the whole week will be torture. I suggested we think about going away to Norfolk in the summer instead of the usual abroad stressful holiday and he seems to think its a good idea and may give us time to reevaluate things if we don't concieve again before then. At the moment i'm not sure if i want to but desperately want a brother or sister for DS x

SwanseaMum Sun 08-Jan-12 17:07:48

Shomes I am calmer today partly cause I am completely exhausted and don't have the energy to get angry or stressed and partly cause know the boys are in school and nursery so I will have a little time to myself which i desperately need.

loublou hope your ok today xx

bonzo77 Sun 08-Jan-12 19:17:55

Hoping everyone is bearing up today. Spent the morning at the horses and riding, which was fun but my goodness exhausting. Hadn't been for about 6 weeks so loss of fitness and loss of blood to blame. Definitely feel better for some proper "me" time, fresh air and keeping my mind occupied. As a bonus one of the girls remarked how thin I'd got! Hoping everyone manages to find some kind of silver lining over the next few days. (hugs and [tea] all round.

Loublou hope you are doing OK ?

Bonzo good for you, I have been out with the dog today on my own while DH had DD and it was great, fresh air and my own thoughts. Wish someone was telling me how slim I look. Gonna start diet and exercise tomorrow.

I think DH is shifting slightly now just need to keep working on him.
DD has been lovely today, she is 2.3 and has really started stringing sentences lately, today she was chatting all day, really cheered me up and also made me realise how much I desperatley want another one.

SwanseaMum Mon 09-Jan-12 11:32:54

Omg my life just doesn't get any easier money stress now its like a kick in the teeth sad
I don't understand why everything has to happen at the same time. Am off work now just couldn't concentrate and I need some alone time.
Somebody help me I feel so low :'(

Redbird12 Mon 09-Jan-12 16:41:25

swanseamum so sorry to hear you are having a tough time, it WILL get better and in the meantime, we are all here for you and understand what you are going through. Some time off work without that added pressure will probably help, be kind to yourself and don't beat yourself up for feeling so low, it is normal at this difficult time, sending you lots of hugs.

loublou hope you are feeling ok.

bonzo and heels, thanks so much for explaing what will happen at ERPC for me, I am booked in for tomorrow. NHS couldn't do it until next week at earliest so have ended up going private. Just couldn't face waiting around that long, feeling in limbo, not knowing if I would mc naturally, not knowing what to do about work. Just glad it will be over quickly, well the physical part anyway, emotionally am feeling very up and down.

Redbird12 Mon 09-Jan-12 18:43:15

Just wanted to add one minor rant to get it off my chest!

On way back from 2nd scan to confirm baby definitely had no heartbeat, stopped at Next to return some maternity clothes I had bought from the sale the week before, at the time had thought i would stock up in advance whilst they were half price, they were still bagged up so just wanted to return them.

There were a few people waiting in the queue when I got near the front, a woman 2 behind me pushed forward when they said 'who's next' and went to the till. When I pointed out quite politely that I was actually next, she started giving me abuse so i just ignored her but then as I was leaving with DH she came up and started jeering at us and giving us more abuse. DH was totally taken aback as hadn't seen earlier exchange & obviously neither of us was in great state of mind at this point anyway.

Just why would someone do this?! I know I am being over-senstitive at the moment but I just didn't need that, it was hard enough returning the mat clothes anyway, got in the car and had to try v.hard not to cry sad

loubloutwinmum Mon 09-Jan-12 19:43:58

Sorry I've not been on much, had pretty grim 24 hours. Very heavy bleeding & can't believe I haven't totally miscarried but scan tom will confirm! Feel exhausted & washed out & old!

redbird hope it goes ok for you tom, sorry you've not had a great day. That woman in Next needs a slap.

Swansea hope you ate feeling a bit better, I hope your other problems sort themselves out, it is such a hard time.

Hope everyone else is doing ok? Heels, Shomes, Bubbaloo, Bonzo - thinking of you all.

Redbird I really understand the Limbo thing and think you have done the right thing by going private. I am sure you will feel much better once you have had the ERPC, physically anyway. emotions will take longer. Remember a good book, don't know what I would have done without it as lots of waiting around. Hopefully as you are private you will get something nice to eat rather than the standard NHS slice of toast. Will be thinking of you tomorrow and hope it all goes smoothly.

I too have a couple of maternity things to take back to Next. I think you were very restrained, I think I wold have slapped the silly cow, I hate queue jumpers sad

Bleeding has stopped for me, just a little brown discharge when I go for a wee. Have been having a huge clearout of clothes and stuff today, DH is going to take it all to the charity shop tomorrow. I found it good therapy.

Loublou this must just be horrendous for you, I just can't imagine how exhausted you must be. No one derserves to be going through what you are. Thinking of you tomorrow, hope it is all over with soon xx

bonzo77 Mon 09-Jan-12 21:35:39

Oh swansea, you poor thing. I hope the time off, with boys at school and not having to go in to work will give you some space to recover, both emotionally and physically. We all get strength from different things, I'm sure you will find what works for you. Things surely will get better.

loublou, fingers x for your scan, hoping that you don't need any more treatment. I felt just like you did, washed out and feeble. I'd been taking floradix, a "tonic" with iron while pregnant, and started taking it again, I'm sure it helps. A bit of iron has to be a good thing when you've lost the amount of blood that we have. It's only got a little iron, so no risk of constipation. Speaking of which the codeine gave it to me really badly, so have been on movicol and lots of water. I'm sure the water makes you feel less feeble.

redbird what a bitch in next! Worth returning the clothes though, you don't need them haunting you. And the couple of bits I got from next maternity last time weren't all that great: the t-shirts were weirdly short, and I only got a tiny bump last time. This time round all I've bought were some sleep bras because my boobs had been killing me over night. They'll go up in the loft with my other maternity stuff next time I go up there.

heels my bleeding has all stopped now too. I did a pregnancy test this morning, just out of interest to see if hormones have gone, and got a BFN!

shomes Tue 10-Jan-12 08:11:44

Hi there

All sort of quiet over here, just still waiting for the next agonising 6 days until the scan next monday.

Re: The woman in next, she definitely needs a slap how dare she, i find people are so insentivie in general these days.
Luckily DH is coming with me on monday which is good although mum was just as good, i think he feels like he needs to see whats going on for himself and also be there for me too.

Birthday was ok yesterday although tinged with sadness, had to close my eyes when walking past the maternity clothes as i was looking forward to buying them this week sad feeling very down as well but trying to cover it whilst at work sad

Hope you all have a better week xxx

loubloutwinmum Tue 10-Jan-12 19:24:27

Evening, had such a grim day! Scan showed that the pregnancy & sac etc was all still there! Couldn't believe it as bleeding been so heavy & lots of clots. Was referred to emergency gynae clinic at local hospital. Waited for hour then spoke about my options! They couldn't offer me an ERPC until Fri, possibly Monday! In the end DH & I decided the medical management route was better option. However as I'm already bleeding doc examined me because suspected my cervix was already opening so would beable to skip oral pills & just have pessary. However, turned out my cervix is tightly closed! Bizarre as am bleeding loads!

So had oral pills & had to wait hour to ensure I could keep them down. Then I had blood taken which was a disaster & just bled & bled & bled! Then had anti D also as I'm rhesus negative!

Finally got home at 3 pm! Got to go back Thursday morning for pessary & then stay at least an hour & then go home. DH is so stressed & angry & worried & I'm worried about him. I'm starting to feel that there won't be another baby for us as I really don't think either of us could go through this again!

Sonographer was lovely & said the pregnancy looked perfect but just sadly didn't develop past 6/7 weeks for some reason! She said my womb & ovaries looked very, very healthy. I guess that is good but still not sure I could go through this again!!

I really hope you are all doing ok! I feel like this is never ending!

Bloody hell Loublou that sounds dreadful, so very sorry you are going through this, my heart goes out to you. Sounds all very strange but our bodies are funny things and who knows what or why this is happening.

Dreadful that they couldn't offer you an ERPC for a few days, so glad mine was offered for next day.

This will be over soon and you can start to heel, thoughts are with you x

bonzo77 Tue 10-Jan-12 21:57:17

loublou there really is no rhyme or reason to this... it just shows how all our bodies and minds are different. Not to mention the various standards of care we've experienced. I waited 8 days for my ERCP (and 9 days between 1st and 2nd scans). I totally relate to the disbelief that even after all the bleeding and pain that the sac etc are still there. I spent a couple of nights rolling around on the floor practicing my breathing from antenatal classes, and out of my tree on codeine only to be told the same. Thinking of you tonight, really hoping that things get better ASAP.

Dunnitt Wed 11-Jan-12 14:38:25

Hey HaveToWearHeals.

Sorry if i'm too late to offer this advice. From my experience go the ERPC route as quick and clean, BUT insist on having a follow up scan to check its all clear. I didn't do this and 3 months later, yep 3 whole months, it transpired that there was still stuff there and as such there was no chance of becoming PG in that time.

And it terms of emotionally. Take your time. It does get better. And I know you've heard this but this is so so common. Everyone single one of my friends has had miscarriages and gone on to have healthy babies. Hang in there.

shomes Wed 11-Jan-12 14:48:00

LOUBLOUthat sounds horrendous, i will definitely check on monday if they are going to do erpc or whatever that i will have a check afterwards.

I've been having an awful few days, still no bleeding but not feeling pregnant anymore and just so down about the whole thing, i think its just the waiting thats killing me and maybe on monday i'll feel better x

loubloutwinmum Wed 11-Jan-12 15:34:32

Shomes sorry you are feeling so low but I know how you feel & the waiting is just so horrendous.

I had the most awful eve, night. I won't go into too much detail because it is so grim but I am sure the oral pills alone have brought on full miscarriage. I started contracting & cramping like never before about 7pm last night, the pain was off the scale & pills didn't touch it! My insides literally fell out & it went on until about 1 am! I just dozed off when DD woke & seems to have ear infection so was in agony. DH tried to soothe her but she wanted me. Was so hard as I just wanted to curl into a ball & die!

Got a few hours sleep this morning but cramps started again this afternoon & I'm still passing enormous clots. I am scared about tom & having pessaries because if it's worse than this I'm not sure I can cope. Sorry, I hope this isn't TMI but this is so different from my earlier m/c & I'm exhausted. Will talk to doc tom about my concerns before anymore treatment. My poor DD is on anti biotics & my poor DH has been rushing around looking after us both, getting her to docs, other DD to Schl & picking her up & at same time running his business. He is exhausted, stressed & on the edge. I just want this to be over now!

shomes Wed 11-Jan-12 18:22:27

loublou that sounds like a hellish experience, I am now convinced to go for ERPC as i don't think i could go through what you all have been through with the pills or naturally occuring mc. It all just makes it more real and confusing, sometimes I feel like my body has failed me sad

Thank god for honest women who can advise each other on important yet painful things like this, I too worry about my DH as he works so hard and is exhausted yet he is really trying to make me feel better. I on the other hand feel like i'm being monstrous to everyone and now i'm feeling really guilty. I suppose its like the stages of grief where you feel sadness then anger then denial etc.

Really hope you feel more human soon loublou and that things settle down and you can emotionally move forward. xx

SwanseaMum Wed 11-Jan-12 19:09:26

loublou I truly feel for you, I am not sure how I would have coupled in your shoes you are incredibly strong xx

shomes sug the erpc is quick and the physical recovery much faster. I won't help with the emotional repercussions of a mc but if your not in pain it can be a bit easier.

I had a tattoo today in memory of the baby. Its cherry blossom so it has a double meaning for me. Unfortunately the emotional pain I am feeling needs a physical counter part sad

I genuinely thought I was over my depression this mc hasn't helped.

girls I an thinking of you all xx

SwanseaMum Wed 11-Jan-12 19:10:29

Bloody predictive text on my phone sorry if my message doesn't make sense x

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