her dad ( who is crap) is taking her on holiday for a week with his partner, her kids and his parents, but she does not want to go and is hysterical

[pirategirl]

I am stuck in the middle. I am royally fucked oof that he can take her or leave her, but this break away, orchestrated and paid for by my ex inlaws is for 'their' benfit not our daughters.

They see her rarely as they love abraod. my stanc eis, i have tried to be fiar for two yrs, always pavimg the way for his visits, trying to make him see her more, but am constantly met with a ridiculous attitude, which is so self centered.

Last yr they did the same thing, but she had just turend 4, and off she was ferried, and obv missed me but somehow she seemed ok , and had a nice time.

This year, omg, well she is more grown up, has started school, and is very clingy to me. very disturbed by the fact she is to be away from me for a week.

Tonight it all came out, that when she was awy last year it 'was like you had died mummy', like 'my heart was empty mummy' and daddy doesnt listen and i miss you, please fonehim mummy and tell him i dont want to go.

All this, and she is five fucking yrs old. What the hell do i do. I face his wrath, i face him coming down on me like a ton, altho if he cared to really think, he would admit to himself i have done everything to make sure she has a healthy relationship with hi, you know, praising him up etc...

My daughter dislikes hi girlfriend, say s 'she hurts my feelings mummy'.

my inlaws just gloss over all he has done to thier grandaughter, and thik she is ok to go away for a week. They booked it without even consulting me, like my ex has a 'right' to do this.

I am scared to appraocu him, i am only gonna be the bad guy again, which i dont like but have to getused to. Its always my f ing fault, the way my daughtr feels about him and the fact he has left.

never his.

tonight she went and dug out a photo of us, and basically cried, and said ' i really loved daddy when i was three and he lived with us, i wish he would come home, becuase i hatehim now'

[pirategirl]

anyone

[berolina]

your poor little girl. I've no experience of this, but if my child was saying those sorts of things to me I wouldn't, couldn't, make her go.

[controlfreaky2]

oh poor poor you and poor her....
your ex sounds a pita and from what you say has not put dd's interests and feelings first in making these plans....

is this just an agreement (albeit that he made the plans without consulting you / her) or does he have contact under a court order?

think you will have to decide whether there are ways you can help dd to go and have a good or at least ok time... (ring her / give her photo of you take....) or whether it just isnt right for her to go..... in which case you are going to have to have a difficult conversation with ex / exil's....

do you think she might just feel torn between her feelings for you / for her father.... be generally in a bit of a spin about the whole separation / new girlfriend etc but in fact ok when she's with him??

good luck.

[BarbieLovesKen]

Oh you poor little pet and your poor dd!!!! what an awful, awful situation!!

I know it might not be technically be the correct thing to do, but coming from divorced parents, dont make her go!!! she is way to upset! no, no. I know your going to have to put up with a huge amount of rubbish over it but, really and truely if your little girl is happy, calmer and at home with her mammy and you are'nt at the end of your tether for a whole week, knowing and wondering about how upset she is, wont it be completely worth it. How fcking dare* he do this! put you both in this horrible situation- how can he be so uninvolved and then, when it suits, pick her up to play happy families for a week?????

Stupid man.

Tell him what she has said. Tell him that of course, you were perfectly willing to allow her to go on the grounds that she was happy to but as her mother, your job is to protect her and avoid (if possible) any situations that upset and stress her. Explain you have her welfare alone at heart (which you obviously do). If he contests tell him its his and his alones fault. end of. if he tried more this wouldnt be a problem. do not sound angry, no matter how angry you are or else he'll make it out that you are just being "awkard". Tell him you are just voicing your concerns, parent to parent regarding both your child and that your sure he wouldnt want to put his little girl through this distress. She cant go. Not when its doing this to her. Poor pet. shes better off at home with her mammy who loves and cares for her.. even when it doesnt suit your mood.


As for inlaws, girlfriend etc.. tell them to f*ck off - this is none of their business.

I hope your ok xx

[fransmom]

(((((((((((((pg))))))))))))

[macdoodle]

how horrible hon I really am not sure what to say - my DD is 5 and DH and I have had some terrible problems - she stays with him one night every other week and often few days before says she doesn't want to go I feel terrible but make her - not sure about this though comments like "he doesn't listen" and "she hurts my feelings" would worry me ....not sure solution would say talk to him but sounds like that may not work, does he have legal acces but again in my experience itnot often that simple...
TBH the only thing I can say is put your mums instinct first if you sure she is not manipulating you then do what you think is right for her and just tell him maybe next year when she is older - good luck

[Rhubarb]

Weeeeeeellllllllll.


You do what you can for your dd. She is the important one here, not him or his family.

If she doesn't want to go then don't make her. That could mean you taking a load of shit from them all, but at the end of the day she is your dd. Don't make her do what she doesn't want to. Be strong. I know it is hard, but you have to be strong for her. She won't forget the way you stuck up for her. Don't make her face them alone, be her voice, because she is too young yet? Yes you might get the backlash, but you will earn the respect of your dd.

Do what you think, nay, what you know is right.

[pirategirl]

thankyou, iam really crying here, as i have had enough of this.
i have tried my very best to be fair, thru it all, even when i have has my heart torn out by him and what he has done to me, let aloneto us.

I keep going, that sall i cansay, i keep ticking over, i survive, becuase i have her, its all for her.

his parents will be deavastated, not to say also out of pocket as they r coming from germany, and renting a house in cornwall.

I just cant understand why they cant just stay round here, and she couldhave the weeek off school, and they could take her out every day.

I just cant do this to her ,not this time. He will go absolutely mental, i know it, yes i am a bit scared, but mostly very sad and disappointed that i know he will go menatal for all thw 'wrong' reasons iyswim. i have had little contact with him recnetly, which has made life easier for us all, as things always get heated. He really thinks he has all the exact same rights, as tho the fact he left has no impact. it has no bearing of course onthe fact he is her daddy, but it does matter whenit comes downto 'real' life.

i cant let her down by forcing her, i know i cant, i have run out of 'ways to gee her up', when she is this upset now, i cannot pull the wool overlike whenshe was a bit younger.

wtf is wrong with them all.

[HunieBuniesBack]

Pirategirl, I am not experienced in these matters, but maybe the following might help. If you can start to write a special diary for you Dd to read when she is away (simple words), a page each day with photos to remind her how much you love her etc. Also give her a present to open each day, something small, but special and something you know she will appreciate/enjoy. Then tell her when she comes home that you will do something really fun with her, special DVD or trip or something. If you have the money, buy her a tape recorder and record for her a bedtime story to listen to you reading to her at night. (You get the idea...)

Seems to me it is a really difficult situation.

[macdoodle]

good girl do what you have to I get the cared thing though chin up boy will she appreciate it ...and remember it

[HunieBuniesBack]

Actually, have just read Rhubarb, and agree totally agree with her. Ignore my previous post! Her happiness is very important.

H x

[fransmom]

oh pg i think i would do the same as you. is there any timefor you to see your sol before the said hols?

[berolina]

pirategirl, it's the brave and right decision not to let her go. As another poster said, she will appreciate it.

I've had to take horrible awful rages from family members in the past for making the right decision. It's horrid, but stand your ground. His parents will no doubt be upset, but tbh they are not your problem. You have enough to deal with.

[fransmom]

[BarbieLovesKen]

please dont cry!! oh I feel so sad for you!

Ive just asked dp what he would do in your situation if I explained to him everything dd had said ( I know its all well and good "pretending") and he said he would just spend the week close to your house, let her sleep at home but would take her out each day to spend time. That surely no father would make their little girl go knowing how upset she is and everything she had said about it. It would be completely ridiculous.

Sorry but he sounds like an a*shole if he doesnt see it any different.

[pirategirl]

her coughis much much better thanks

we have no formal arrangements. wheni voiced concern last yr, saying that he really should spend some quality time with her b4 taking her away, he went crazy and went straight to his solicitor, who wrote me a letter, saying how loved our daughter was, and how it would be bad if i didnt let her go.

This is what i am up against, someone who plays the martyr, and wont talk to me, or see the sense.

The only thing he could try to do wouldbe a court order, which is solicitor threatened me with last year. That would not comeinto force before the actual holiday,a nd last year i was horrified that he would even think to go that far, just because i said i was concerned that she might not want to go.

We arenow divorced, but have a verbal arrangement of visitation, which he breaks often. I believe that even if it was a court agrrement, i have no leg to satndo n if he breaks that either, itsnot 'law' iyswim.

[HonoriaGlossop]

If this were me I wouldn't make her go. But i would talk to her about how very, very disappointed her dad and grandparents will be to not have a holiday with her, and make plans for her to spend some time with them anyway.

Id write a letter to them all, too, explaining what your dd has said, exactly as you have said here. I'd acknowledge that you know they'll be out of pocket and that you of course don't want that, but that a child's needs must come first. I'd say too that you feel it will be counterproductive to your dd's relationship with them all, if she feels 'forced' to go away with them. Offer them a plan for some really good quality time with her instead of the holiday.

i'd also say, if it were me, that I fully want and support dd having contact with her dad and grandparents and do want to help her with having this contact; but that you're not prepared to send her away when she is so upset about it.

Keep a copy of the letter in case you get a solicitor's response!

I think letters are great because you get to say all you want without it getting heated.

[BarbieLovesKen]

its a verbal agreement. Not worth the paper its written on.
So, its ok for him to break it but not for you to (for such huge reasons)
Anyway, you are not preventing him from seeing her, quite the contrary - your just objecting to a very distressed little girl being taken away for a whole week when she doesnt want to go. I think you are being very reasonable. Offer him other options - i.e. unlimited time with her but at home (or near) for the week. You are her main parent. You are just concerned about her welfare. This should be on your terms not his.

[vimfuego]

It's a very difficult situation and as you say you are caught in the middle.

Many children would feel a lot of anxiety before being separated from their main carer for a whole week.

I think you should consider the possibility that if you allowed her to go away that she would have unhappy moments but might overall have an enjoyable time.

If you think that she will be really traumatised by the trip then of course, don't send her.

[pirategirl]

i wish i could make myself understood.

i have written to him before-gotme nowhere.

if anyone speaks german i would be grateful for help with translation if i decide to write to his mum and dad. I have known them 12 yrs. They live in germany. hismum does themarytr bit to a tee, his dad is a childish sulker, and my ex dh has become the complete embodiment of the two over the yrs.

I would like to tell ex dh, about the tings dd has said, but from expereince it getsm e nowhere, he doesnot want take it in. He cannot hear it.

Then, i feel, if i dont give him a bit of her emotional state, i am letting her down. yet sometimes i think, god whats the point. lets stick to facts.

HIs parents will be here in two weeks, renting a place near me, for week, then going down to cornwall for the 2nd week.

They are all supposed to be going, what it will mean is, they will all go without dd? I am sure they will not want to go (grandparents) cos the whole pointof coming here is to see dd, i really dont think they would bother to come all this way to see ex dh and his new family.

If dd doesn not go, what about ex's parner and her 2 kids who must surely be looking forward to the holiday? They wont go without ex, and i doubt he will stay behind to spend time with dd and his parents.

oh shit.

[berolina]

My German's near-native, pg. CAT me or post here for any help.

[pirategirl]

thats great, thanks.

[berolina]

In answer to the rest of your post, you simply can't worry about the effect on other people of plans made without your consultation. Your priority is your dd. This situation is not of your making.

[HonoriaGlossop]

Maybe you could call this one nearer the time. By the time of this holiday, your dd will have had her grandparents living near you for a week, and presumably this will have helped her get used to them again. She MAY feel better about the whole thing and be more willing to go. At the moment no doubt it is a bit scary but a week with them may make a big difference.

If she is still this distressed when the time comes, then you can decide what to do. No point perhaps, in deciding now, as it may only give you longer to get grief about it all!

you could say to your dd, that of course you won't force her to go. This would hopefully relax her so that she's not worrying about it all the time.